Need a critique.......

[ObliviousEffigy]

If some one would be so kind as to critique this poem of mine, it would make me very thankful..... =)

The fall of the Faery

In breath and light he was begot
Like pearls of pale or sunless jade
And not forthwith my love be told
A song so pure, fine serenade

I was afeared, as of my fate
To flattering sweet to be but true
I love amid my passions vast
And feel hence deep your hold anew

And of his words I utter not
I were to oust a bird’s ellipse
Lest for it’s song should even stir
The gentle hum of his sweet lips

“Oh, come with me, come with me
Come with me, come with me,
My love! Gold Fae! Great Nimue!”
And kissed me three, below the Rowan Tree

Before my bed, such grace there spoke
And of the oath, I sang to light
You promised thus, to wed me then
Said you, your royal soul that night

I see thee now, though not with mine
Thy sharper blade to my sweet touch?
Then donned a shroud of white to grave
The bitter tears hath claim too much

Speaks things with doubt, and tricks my heart
Will thou blink not? They eyes deceive.
Herald my fall, which you bestow
Behold by cry, I was naïve.

I weave my gown and tie my hair
Bedight in words of ill and spite
Quoth she then, with eyes cast down
They penance forth, deemed all but slight

I fare along thine path so well
Mine heart closed too much trust
The queen’s decree was tragic then
My sour soul holds none but lust

My eyes! My lips! My hands! My breasts!
Take all I wield! They ail me none!
But spare me now, my wings, my spells!
It’s though my very death’s begun!

I wail, I scream, I plead, I cry!
Avail me here! Thou listens not!
Stripped me of immortality-
Of my own name, stay not forgot

For void repose I lay my dance
Upon the earth with tears of glass
Of treachery, of endless grief
I taste no bliss, nor joy alas

[Elf-Child]

Well, for what it's worth I like it. Of course, that's more an encouragement than it is anything like a critique, but hey. =]

[Patroclus]

I thought I recognized the poem. It looks like you made some changes to it - unless I am mistaken. Let me give it a crack.

In breath and light he was begot
Like pearls of pale or sunless jade

You have very good images, for the most part. First of all, though, one wonders why your Faerie is begot in breath. It smacks of Adam, and seems too human. I recommend that you read C.S. Lewis' Perlandra. The description of the breathless voices is incredible. I think you will understand why I am curious about a faerie with a breath. Light, however, makes sense. But, I will want to see if that theme (of light) is carried throughout the poem.

How is breath and light like pearls and sunless jade? Pearls are made in darkness, and I am confused about "sunless jade," even more so that it would seem to contradict the lighted begetting. If you are being ironic, I can accept that. However, though your images are beautiful, at this point I am confused.

In the interest of time, I am skipping a few lines intentionally. You can always ask me in class now that I have had a chance to look at it.

And of his words I utter not
I were to oust a bird’s ellipse
Lest for it’s song should even stir
The gentle hum of his sweet lips

At thsi point, I am trying to grasp what is happening. I am guessing that I am coming in on the middle of the story, or after the end, and that the narrator is mourning the death of a very gentle and beloved character.

Will thou blink not?

At this point, I am sure I know what is happening. Your words are very beautiful. However, I think that in the interest of the meter, you have sacrificed verbal clarity, perhaps dropping suffixes and articles.

Okay, I have to go for now.

I'll see you Monday.