Teaching Children Purity?

[elysian]

Please tell me I'm not the only mother who has had to face this:

My 12 year old (7th grade) came home with a pocket full of condoms he got from a little friend of his. The little friend got them from his older brother, (whether the little friend got them honestly I do not know) and then proceeded to divvy them up among his peers.

So my son pulls out a handful of condoms and says "Look, Mom, I can have sex now 'cause it's OK as long as you use rubbers!"

Now I have tried to be open and honest with my son with everything. I tried to explain that there's more to sex than just the physical act, yada-yada, to which he simply gave me a quizzical look and said "How could it be any different than whacking off?" Oh, boy.

His Dad isn't much help with this issue- my husband is not a Christian and he believes that pre-marital sex is OK- that monogamy is only for after marriage. So he's just reinforcing what the kids learn in school, that sex is OK as long as you "wear a rubber."

On the other hand I am trying to teach my son purity and chastity- that he should remain a virgin until marriage- but given the prevailing attitude, and his curiosity, I don't see how. He really likes girls and they are already fighting over him which is also bad because at least if he were a geek he'd stay pure although probably not by choice.

We don't have a True Love Waits program at our church- our youth programs are great- but they don't want to approach the subject of sexual purity until high school. I know that high school is too late for many kids! My son also contends that "you can't commit adultery unless you're married," but I say it's adultery as well as fornication because you are not remaining pure for the person who will someday be your spouse. He says "well what's wrong with never getting married and trading girls when you're tired of them?" ARRGH!

Anyone have any suggestions?

[themuzicman]

1) Respect for girls/women as fellow human beings, and not using them as sex objects to be used and tossed aside. I scold my boys severely for disrespecting women by hitting them or degrading them. Starts by respecting your mom and sisters.

2) Risk analysis. Go to your local pro-life or abortion alternative office and get some of their literature on condoms and the risks of having sex even with them. Information can help you, here.

3) If he's a Christian, talk about what the bible says about sex and sexual purity. Be sure you have the verses looked up and ready.

4) Keep an open and honest dialogue going between you two. Call him on the carpet when he's witholding information or lying to you, and don't freak out when he tells you that he's done something that is blatantly wrong. Calmly discuss the problem, and if there is discipline, make sure he understands why he is being disciplined.

This isn't a guarentee, but you have a special relationship with your son, and if he feels loved and accepted at home, understands the risks of sex and understands that there is a right and wrong regarding sex, these will act as a deterrant.

Michael

[elysian]

I did order some pamphlets from Lutherans for Life that address purity from the teen guy's perspective. They give not only the scientific backing for remaining pure but Scriptural backing as well.

I'm grateful that he's willing to talk about it, although when I share my expectation for purity with him he calls me a prude and says I'm living in the 1950's (which is a real laugh because I grew up in the 70's and 80's, and sad to say purity was even LESS popular then because it was before the age of AIDS and the prevalence of so many other STD's.) I have admitted to him that no I didn't remain pure because I wanted to be like my friends instead of considering God's purpose and plan for His children. I explained that this isn't a double standard but a warning rooted in love, that there are rewards for remaining pure (freedom from disease, freedom from "soul-ties" from multiple relationships and the resulting fallout, freedom from the possibility of contributing to an unplanned pregnancy, the joy and the mystery of discovering the gift of sex with the one you choose to be your spouse, etc.)

I certainly pray that he listens to God's rules and decides to wait.

My husband suggests that a.) if I insist my son waits he will "turn into a faggot" (I don't see how- he likes GIRLS!!) and b.) if I really want to scare him I should order some Army training films that show the graphic effects of VD.


:metro: I think simply understanding the love behind the Biblical instructions on handling sexuality should be sufficient- if he can understand why the boundaries are there, and accept and abide by them.

[luv1another]

my daughter is 11 and a half elysian and she actually wants to stay pure. against what my hubby thinks is good.
My hubby is a Christian although not attending church and is thinking of building like a unit thing at the back of our house for my oldest daughter to take boyfriends...sigh. She just shakes her head at him and points out bible verses... which he tells her are from ancient times and that its fine to have sex before marriage its natural ...sigh.
I also have a son who is 9 and and its the in thing to say sex he doesn't want to do it, just say it, I guess for the shock value and to make his 5 yr old sister giggle :lol: But I have been through the bible verses and encouraged my oldest to be reading what God says years ago. anyway not sure what else to say, I am hoping that my boy will follow his older sisters thinking though. Unfortuneately he tends to be more easily led than my oldest:(

God Bless you

[geebob]

sit down with him and turn the tv on to jerry springer.

proceed to explain that 99.9 % of everyone on there takes premarital sex as the norm. Explain that people who wait almost never have the problems you see on this show because these are people who take relationships seriously and they know that there's more to relationships than the animal attraction side of it. It takes strategy discernement.


other than that, reinforce what every 12 year old already knows. Sex is a big deal! Sex is really really important. Women are goddesses. He really needs sex at some point in his life and any woman who's willing to get that close to him deserves a promise and if he won't give the promise, He's not worthy. And vice versa is true. No woman is worth your son unless she's willing to give the promise. And this is a really big promise. How big is it? You prove your seriousness in that promise by involving the public, the government, and God. That is what marriage is. It is a promise.

This is how how monogamy exalts dignity. some folks really need sex. So what if if there is only one person from whom one recieves this? Thus that person is really important. And what if your son throws this away.

The first time is a big deal. It's a really big deal. Why shouldn't his wife deserve this. Why shouldn't he deserve to be his wife's first?

Any guy who doesn't think this is either so far gone that he has forgotten what it was like to be nuts about women and has so much sex that it doesn't mean much or he really hasn't put alot of thought into the attractions that he's had as a youth. He really hasn't experience jealousy for a woman and that is pathetic.

prior to marriage, I realize that I am not going to be giveing my future wife all of my sexuality, and I intend to ask her forgiveness for that. I am very thankful though that I've never had sex with anyone, but nevertheless, there are some "firsts" which she won't be the subject of and there is some wear and tear from the things I have experienced.

And should I marry a woman who was not a virgin, then I expect an apology for that. If it is no fault of her own, then I still want to know about it so I can grieve it since my love will entail not that she is less in my sight but rather that I'd love her such that I would wish that I could have all of her, including all of her sexual history.

Tell your son to be selfish. his future wife owes it to him for him to be her first. Why should your son have to be anxious about comparisons in the bed after marriage. No, in a marriage, the man is king and second to no other! And he can't be a hypocrite in that. The woman is queen and she should be second to no other.

So some might take from this thinking that therefore, it might be a good idea to go out and sample the goods out there to see who should be deemed number 1 in bed. That's a losing formula. Your subjecting yourself to downgrading each other. And so what if you find that person who's dynamite and number one in bed. What if the feeling isn't mutual so you don't end up with each other? Then whoever you do end up with has to share you with your "fond" memories.



My husband suggests that a.) if I insist my son waits he will "turn into a faggot" (I don't see how- he likes GIRLS!!)

whether or not he turns into a "faggot" has more to do with whether your son felt an identification with his father at a young age than whether he has sex with girls.

Calling your son a "faggot" would push him in that direction more than anything. But he's 12. These things have already developed. His sexuality wouldn't be effected much by that, but his view of his father would.

honestly the vd film idea isn't so bad though. The army probably promotes "safe sex" with it though.



By the way, as a bonus to your question when your son turn 18, or when he turns 16 and discovers "fake ID's" let me give you a little help on an issue that he will one day face with his other buddies. I'll just share a little true life anecdote from my life.

buddy: hey man, I gotta take you to this place. If you don't like it, you don't have to come back, (that part is added in when your friend knows you have convictions) but why don't you try it? It's called (place name of some strip club here).

me: Well, here's the thing, I'm just not sure that I want to share a moment of arousal with you. I mean, mutual erections, that sounds kinda gay.

buddy: It's not like that at all. we don't always even pay attention to the girls. You can go over and play pool. sometimes we just tell them to go away.

me: so your surrounded by naked women, and it has no effect? And this is supposed to be better? That sounds kinda gay. Maybe I don't want to be around naked women and not be effected by them.


Needless to say, a friend usually only invites me to go to a strip club with him once. And if a friend thinks I'm too weird to be a friend of mine after that, good riddance. friends who require mutual arousal for bonding are not the kind of friends that are conducive to good friendships between hetereosexuals. Actually, I've only had this conversation once, and other guy is still a friend of mine.


In all seriousness, these things do not effect one's sexual orientation, but there is a real dulling of the satisfaction that comes from sexual experience when sexuality is abused like that.

[elysian]

Sending some pearls your way once I figure out how to do it :rofl:

I'm printing off your reply. I don't know if I'll let him read it verbatim but getting good advice from another guy's perspective is helpful. One of his comments to me is "you're not a guy." Duh.

As to Jerry Springer, he loves to watch it. Now he just needs to understand that even though such scenarios might be normal in today's twisted amoral society, being normal doesn't make them optimum or make them right. In the 1800's it was normal that the streets in most major cities were covered in several feet of horse dung. Was this a good thing- no, but it was normal. Same principle applies to the denizens of Springer's world. It might be "normal" but it certainly isn't good or right.

[Queen]

I have worked a ong time with 12 year old kids and I gave sex education. Of course our idea's about this are different, but 12 year old...he is probably just bragging and very curious. This is a good time to sit down with him and talk about sex AND love....these two should go hand in hand. Tell him all he wants to know. At this age the hormiones start to work and he is confused by the biological and physical and mental change in his whole being.

He starts to fight with girls, because he has no other way to express that he likes girls. This is really cute to see in the classroom. Those 'couples' that tease each other and hit each other playful. The older brother of his friend told probably that he had sex with a girl.....but it sounds to me he got a lot of condoms....that is strange, because mostly they have one or two and the max is 24 condoms per package. If he got a handful.....I wonder how they got it...I guess the older brother is wondering what he did with these condomns :lol:

Tell him about love, respect, warmth and that love is wonderful and sex as well....with a girl you really love. (Or with a woman). Don't forget to mention and ask about peer pressure, those young men brag a lot about who and what and when....but in reality most of them are really innocent and still virgin. Tell him all you know. I'll bet there are some good books for that age in your country about love and sex.

The one thing you can be glad about is that he has heard that using a condomn is safe. Explain him why, that having sex can be dangerous (STD's).

It is hard to talk about this as a parent, but he told you it honestly, so he trusts you....use his trust to explain how you feel about it....be honest as well.

Good luck, raising an adolescent is not easy!

Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen

[geebob]

I'm printing off your reply. I don't know if I'll let him read it verbatim...

cool, I'd be interested to know how it goes.

As to Jerry Springer, he loves to watch it.

my tongue was half in my cheek on that peice of advice. My mom used to watch a lot of those morning discussion shows when they were attempting some seriousness and sometimes I'd watch with her and whe would discuss with me these shows and I'd see real world examples where liberal family ethics royally failed.

But Jerry springer is pretty much a joke, intensionally so, and it's not very edifying stuff. I don't watch tv like that nowa days. I watched it alot when I was living in a college dorm because the custom in a mens dorm is to watch awful things.

There is some of that that would be a good example, but other things on shows like that make it difficult to be an adolesent years away from marriage, such as the episodes featuring strippers and the episodes that go into details about sex.

Same principle applies to the denizens of Springer's world. It might be "normal" but it certainly isn't good or right.

well that show is typically beyond normal, and the point is not to see it as normal but rather to see how pathetic it is.

It is absurd the way you see so many live in couples their who are broken up because there partner "cheated" on them. Well, quite frankly, it wasn't cheating because there was no commitment. There was no commitment made with all the seriousness and somberness that the commitment deserves.

It's like what cameron diaz's jilted character says in the movie vanilla sky (great movie, but not for kids. rated R I think with some nudity and graphic descriptions) "When you have sex with someone, your body makes a promise."

Well, the description gets close to the truth but it's not quite right. When you have sex with someone, your heart expects a promise. It expects one that's already made. Sex involves envisioning a future with that person and remembering a past, and without the commitment, the security isn't there.

So back to the talk shows, all of these people are living as if a promise was made and they are torn to peices because they abused this aspect of there lives.

Sure some of them are married (and you gotta love the episodes where some fella proposes. Now there's a romantic setting for proposal, on the jerry springer show :eww: ), but they don't take there marriage vows seriously, and I'd be a rich man to place bets on all of those marriages that were entered into in after the couple had sex with eachother and others. Of course these people could help their current situations if they'd repent to God and apologize and forgive eachother for not giving their marriage vows their best.


I'd recomend an article for you and for your son. I recall that Newsweek ran a big study on sex with in the last 6 or 7 years. This study made a wide range of findings, and I'm not sure that all of them are conducive to a a conservative view of sex and marriage, but two findings that are most pertinent to your issue is that statistically, the couples that lived together prior to marriage were more likely to get divorced then those couples who did not live together. The other thing that the study found was that married couples have a lot more sex and satisfying sex than promiscuous singles. The cruel irony here is that so many of these couples think they are improving their odds by "trying out marriage first". But that isn't how God designed us so it merely produces obstacles.

If I find it, I'll post the date and name of the article.

[Esther]

elysian, have you heard of Passport to Purity? I've heard it's good. It's really intended for Moms and Daughters or Dads and Sons but it sounds like you already have open communication with your son. Here's a link: http://www.familylife.com/passport/parent/parent.html I don't envy you the position you're in.

Oh, btw, condoms are not "safe". For one thing, the HIV virus is smaller than the pores in the latex. For another, the area covered by/surrounding the condom is not the only area where the two people come into contact which could potentially contain and spread stds.

[$cirisme]

Ummm.... dang. :hrm:

[Esther]

cirisme:

Ummm.... dang. :hrm:

:blush: Sorry. I really was trying to be tactful. :blush:

[$cirisme]

Esther:

:blush: Sorry. I really was trying to be tactful. :blush:

I wasn't talking to you.... sorry.

I was commenting on a 12 year old so obsessed with sex which is well...umm, dang!