Domestic violence

[Queen]

I was wondering, because yesterday was The international domestic violence awareness day, if domestic violence is just physical?

I noticed that the news was only referring to physical abuse and I believe that this is not the only form of domestic violence.

I am thinking about mental abuse as well, or sexual abuse and so on.......

just wondering.

Queen

[Sher]

No. Physical domestic violence almost always includes emotional/mental abuse, and sometimes sexual abuse. Emotional/mental abuse can leave scars that last a lifetime.

Unfortunately, not many people who live with sexual abuse in a marriage, or other committed relationship, know to report it. Many think that they will not be taken seriously because they have previously, or still have, sexual relations with that person. This is not an open license for someone who is just irritated at their spouse to report them, but rape is rape ... sexual abuse is sexual abuse ... regardless of who does it.

No woman ... or man ... should ever have to stand for any form of abuse from anyone.

... and yes, men are abused in these manners too ... and most are afraid to speak up for shame of "allowing" it to happen.

Abusers often use the emotional/mental abuse to anesthetize their victims. They may isolate them from their family and friends, keep them from obtaining close relationships with anyone who might recognize the disfunctional behaviours, and make them feel like they are at fault ... that they are somehow deserving of the abuse.

My brothers and sisters ... if this is happening to you ... please speak to someone ... ANYONE ... today! Keep talking to people until someone listens and gives you assistance. You are worth more than this ... you are a special person in your own right ... and do NOT deserve abuse ... regardless of anything you have done in your life.

[robert65]

Abuse absolutly takes on many forms. My mother inlaw and my wife and her sisters put up with years of mostly emotional/mental abuse from their father. He was always calling them stupid and useless, dumb etc. She still suffers from self estime and self worth issues. She doubts her abilities as a wife and mother although she is fantastic at both.
I think this is the worst type of abuse sometimes because the mind does not heal as easy as the body...
Fortunatly near the end of his life when he became a grandfather my father inlaw mended fences...Better late then never but the damage had been done.

[Patroclus]

Of course, there is Shakespearean abuse too:

"It is fit that I commit offence to my inferiors."
- Cymbeline

[Rahab]

Yesterday @ 08:19 AM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=317436#post317436)
Queen:

I was wondering, because yesterday was The international domestic violence awareness day, if domestic violence is just physical?

I noticed that the news was only referring to physical abuse and I believe that this is not the only form of domestic violence.

I am thinking about mental abuse as well, or sexual abuse and so on.......

just wondering.

Queen

Bonsoir Queen..... it is probably the easiest to detect as there will be outside signs of physical violence even as the victim still tries to protect the perpetuator (common in co dependent relationships). Also health care workers and social workers who often work as a team are usualy trained to recognize signs of physical abuse( location of the wounds or bruises etc....). Teachers are encouraged to report a child who may have bruises. I think there is a general awareness on domestic physical violence.
Mental or emotional abuse are difficult to detect unless you are an observer of how the parent interacts with the child. Though a severely mentaly or emotionaly abused person will exhibit social behaviors such as withdrawal, depression, compulsive behaviors etc. Sexual... I am not sure. Married women have a hard time denouncing a rape by their husband. Because a non consential sexual act may result in the use of force, there too outside signs of physical violence may reveal also sexual abuse.

[Queen]

Thank you all for your input!

I believe that all kinds of abuse happen. And mental/emotional abuse is hard to prove. Also sexual abuse, because it doesn't always is a "violent" act. Sometimes women say yes to avoid the mental abuse that mostly follows. You can not prove it...that is difficult. And even if they are abused by their husband (or wife, men do experience that as well) they love their husband. That must be so confusing. Rape is not the word most wives use, because rape sounds so horrific....

We should keep these anonymous women and men in our thoughts and 'pray' that they will find the strenght to stop it.

Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen

[Xmansmommy]

It's not until a person gets sick and tired of being sick and tired that they will find the strength to stop it Queen. Unfortunately for some, they never reach that point.

[Queen]

Mommy...It's not until a person gets sick and tired of being sick and tired that they will find the strength to stop it Queen. Unfortunately for some, they never reach that point

Oh they reach that point, they just can't get out.......trust me on that one.

Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen

[Xmansmommy]

Some never reach that point because their lives are abruptly stopped by the perpetrater. Some because they never choose to. There are various reasons for those but those really are the basics as to why they never do.

[Sher]

It is possible to get out ... and have a healthy life again. There are shelters, undergrounds, etc. Call a local helpline ... usually listed in the phone book.

... and remember ... they have to sleep sometime :grin: (j/k)

Seriously ... please ... anyone reading this who is in this situation ... please, please ... do not stay ... get help ... get out ... your life is worth so much more than that person would have you believe. God wants so much more for His children than that.

My love to you guys ... and my prayers are with you

(BTW, if you really don't know where to look, you can PM me privately ... and I will keep your confidence, if you ask me to ... seeing what I can find online as soon as I get your message. Just send me your immediate area ... for example, you don't need to tell me your exact town, just your county and state ... or province and country ... etc. .. and I will see what I can research for you and get you a number to call for help.)

Remember ... abusers rely on the fact that many people are too ashamed or too scared to speak up for themselves ... and they do everything possible to make sure that that shame and fear continues to be perpetuated. You can help break that cycle by speaking up. There is NO shame in being the one abused ... and fear can be conquered with removal of the situation ... something only possible if you do not hide it any longer.

:sher:

[Queen]

Sher, you wonderful angel,

Yes, there are ways to get out. But with emotional abuse you have been humiliated for so long, you thinnk you desreve it and you have no self-esteem at all. Being married to a dominant man isn't easy, especially when he decides all things in your life. Seeking yourself within you is hard when you reached a certain point. See, emotional abuse is silent. Often these men have a great charisma, the community respects them and no one will believe you. Because he provides for the family, but at a certain point you are hardly able to leave the house without asking him permission and hiding the things you bought, because you are afraid he is going to judge you and calls you names telling you are worthless or throwing with money, no wonder he never can buy anthing for himself.......and so on. And than he asks for your atm card, you give it and get allowance. He calls you during the day....and you hope that something will happen to safe you from him. His dominantion is expressed in the bedroom......Those women are trapped......have no proof, none at all......They stand alone. And you are a grown up....

Or something like that....the thing is that they still love him.....

Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen

[Sher]

Yes, Queen. But it can be done. It only takes that first step ... a big one, to be sure ... but once that first one is taken ... the rest quickly follow ... and the person is safe and can begin to heal.

My suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive friends and family ... and cut the people that hurt you on top of the victimization loose. You will need as much love and support as you can find to be able to make it through. No one said it will be easy ... but it can be accomplished and the person is so much better off on the other end of it.

[Rahab]

Sher's guidances are excellent. Go straight to a shelter. You will be referred to the local DCFS (Dept of Children and Family Services) A social worker will be assigned to your case. Do not return to your home to collect personal effects. If mediation is a possibily with your abusing mate/spouse, meet only in a public place or in the context of a supervised meeting. Remember that you have remained so long in that situation because of the fear to change it.

Abusive personalities are also manipulative. Start a journal where you list all the broken promises. All the meaningless "I am sorry, I will not do that again". If children are involved, make sure you recieve proper legal counseling as to parental rights.

Join a support group and learn to overcome co dependency.It is necessary so you will not fall in the same pattern in other relationships. Re build yourself thru counseling for the very foundations of your wonderful person have been shaken. Look forward to recovery.

As you experience healing, forgive the one who inflicted pain on you. But do not confuse that forgiveness with attempting to rescue him or her.

[Socrates]

Get out at the first physical violence -- there should be zero tolerance for that between a couple.

[Xmansmommy]

Soc,
I've seen Christians justify staying in an abusive marriage by using scripture. Your thoughts?

[Rahab]

Today @ 02:06 PM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=321896#post321896)
Xmansmommy:

Soc,
I've seen Christians justify staying in an abusive marriage by using scripture. Your thoughts?

And I have also encountered ministers who justified it.....Xmansmommy, I had a close friend who was protecting her husband despite of continuous physical and emotional abuse for over 19 years. She had to be confronted by some of us to finaly take a step to preserve herself and her two children. Our pastor at the time used a scriptural argument to help her see that it was not God'Will as she had been counseled otherwise by other ministers. He reminded her that her body was the Temple of the Holy Spirit. It seemed to have erased from her the belief that her body was meant to be mistreated for the sake of her marital vows.
Unfortunatly she separated only shortly from her husband. Ten years later she is still a broken spirit. One of her children suffers of severe dysfunctional behavior imitating the violence pattern of her father.

[Queen]

I am sorry Rahab, that your friend had to endure all this and still is captured in his violent grip. The worst thing is that she sees her child suffer from all that pain.....

She is in my thoughts,
Queen

[rach12]

11-27-2003 @ 01:35 PM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=319062#post319062)
Queen:



Or something like that....the thing is that they still love him.....



The most difficult part about being in an abusive relationship is for the woman to admit to herself and others that she is a victim. There is unjustified shame in that admission, but with that admission comes a sense of freedom and direction.

An abusive man is not worthy of the love and respect his partner gives him. However, true love does not die easily, and the woman always thinks she can fix her man. All it takes is a little more love, right? And a little less whining... and a little less freedom... and a cleaner house... and more sex... and less mistakes...

If she doesn't get out, he'll win. And even if she does, he sometimes still wins. She wins by not falling into self-pity or self-loathing and by succeeding in life under the power of her own determination. No matter what a woman does, she will never satisfy the demands of an abusive man because he thrives on her misery and in destroying what makes her special, her self-worth.

The most important thing for abused women to realize is that they are in control of their own destinies. The abuser wins only if she allows it. And the longer she stays, the harder it is to save her soul. Taking that first step out the door and into the unknown is terrifying, but women are stronger than they realize.

With one foot in front of the other, we can change our future. As far as anyone here knows, we only have one chance at this life. Why should anyone of us waste it trying to please an ungrateful failure of a human being?

[Socrates]

Today @ 12:06 AM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=321896#post321896)
Xmansmommy:

Soc,
I've seen Christians justify staying in an abusive marriage by using scripture. Your thoughts?

XMM, my thoughts are that the Bible teaches a hierarchy of morality, and pretty high up is protecting oneself from physical harm. Therefore one should get out of the home if there is physical danger. The abuser is the one who ended the marriage, not the one who was forced to leave.

Other than that, without knowing the Scripture you mean (or rather, the Scripture abused to keep people in danger), it's difficult to comment further.

[Queen]

You talk about physical abuse....How about mental abuse, Soc? It can be as painful as physical abuse....

Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen

[Socrates]

Today @ 05:48 PM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=324156#post324156)
Queen:

You talk about physical abuse....

Because that was the topic of the thread.

How about mental abuse, Soc? It can be as painful as physical abuse....

Yeah, and often it goes hand in hand with the physical, and can be just as dangerous.

[mykidsmom]

so how do u prove emotionl and verbal abuse???? how do u prove that he woud be an unfit father??? cause IF i was t o leave, I dotn want him to have custody at all. hes left our son in the car locked up lots of times. he just forgets about him. how do i prove that?? is having the house organzied and clean abuse?? or just the way it needs to be. is weeding things out and throwing things away abuse??? is taking htings away from ur childs messy room abuse or a parents responsbility???? see I see myself as I refuse to be the victim.. so i fight back in mouth and deed. so i dont know if im being abused or not. again how do u prove it??? he is a stubborn, has to have it his way, he is when mad, says things like its my house, because u dont clean it, so i decide what to do. this is new. and yes the house isnt great. it needs some repair, but i do clean.

see we dont usually have such problems on a daily basis, more like once a month, he goes postal. but hes on a 8 week time off of work and we are annoying each other. i can t wait til janurary. i make the mistake crying to my parnetsn and now htey are mad at me for staying. i need to tlak to certain peeps but they never called back.

ok so any thoughts??????????????????

[Queen]

This will help you to find out if you are abused......

Checklist

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner....

____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

____ Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

____ Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?

____ Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?

____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do You...

____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Adapted from Reaching and Teaching Teens to Stop Violence, Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition, Lincoln, NE.


You will find more information on this site:
http://www.ncadv.org/problem/what.htm

Lots of love, safety and sunshine,
Queen