Write your own Koan!

[C. D. Ward]

For those unfamiliar with Koans, the following definition and examples may assist you in designing your own for fun and profit. (well, fun, anyway...)

Koans are "...stories or verses that present fundamental perspectives on life and no-life, the nature of the self, the relationship of the self to the earth - and how these interweave." (Robert Aitken) They are used in the teaching of Zen Buddhism as a method of revealing truth. One of their chief features is some form of contradiction or apparent non-sequitur the inability of which to be rationally grasped is supposed to focus the mind on the essential issues of which Robert Aitken speaks in his definition.

Two very well known Koans follow:

A monk asked Tozen when he was weighing some flax, "What is Buddha?"
Tozen said, "This flax weighs three pounds."

A monk told Joshu, "I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me."
Joshu asked, "Have you eaten your rice porridge?
The monk replied, "I have eaten."
Joshu said, "Then you had better wash your bowl."
At that moment the monk was enlightened.

More resources are available here (http://www.ciolek.com/WWWVLPages/ZenPages/KoanStudy.html#Definitions).

[C. D. Ward]

My own first attempt:

A student once asked a master, "Master, why is it that we spend so much time pursuing deep questions in internet debate forums?"
The master answered, "Where are my slippers?"
Immediately, the student was enlightened.

[themuzicman]

A student asked, "Master, why do you spend much time in study?"
The master answered, "Do you know where the mountain is?"
Immediately, the student was enlightened.

[C. D. Ward]

What, only one taker? (BTW, nice one, MM!)

Here's another:

A young monk was walking down a path in the wood when he came upon an old man sitting in the middle of the path. "Venerable elder," said the monk, "do you need assistance?"
The elder answered, "Thank you my son, but no. I became weary and needed to rest."
The monk spoke again, "But why are you sitting in the middle of the path? Here is a rock by the path on which you may rest more comfortably!"
The elder answered, "Why are you following me?"
At this moment, the young monk became enlightened.

[themuzicman]

The young monk followed his master for 3 miles to a damp clearing in the forest, where the master went to pray. "Master, why do you come so far?"
The master answered, "You came this far to ask me this? Listen, what do you hear?"
The monk listened for many minutes, but heard nothing. Dejected, he answered, "I hear nothing, my master."
The master sat down on the rock and closed his eyes, and the young monk was enlightened.

[NeilUnreal]

Good ones! I'm still thinking.

-Neil

[Fideist345]

You make me want to somehow incorporate the: "if a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, will anyone see it?" thing.

:laugh:

[Amazing Rando]

Ooh! My turn!

Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, and Confucius walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Jesus, Buddha, and Confucius glanced looked over at Mohammed and began cracking up.
For Mohammed had turned into a horse.
And the bartender was enlightened

[brother vinny]

He asked me, "Why are you pointing that gun at me?"
I responded by pulling the trigger.
The bullet made an entry wound about 2cm at the bridge of his nose. The slug widened as it travelled, though, making an exit wound about three inches in diameter in the back of his skull, splattering bone fragments and pieces of grey matter across the wall behind him.
And, immediately, he was enlightened.

[Em7add11]

Here goes:

A student asked a master, "What is the difference between being and non-being?"
And the master answered, "What is the difference between an orange?"
And, immediately, the student was enlightened.

[themuzicman]

A young monk found a dying seal, and took it in to care for it.
The master asked, "Is your seal ready?"
As the young monk released the seal asked, "Why does the seal live in the sea?"
Just then a killer shark surfaced and ate the seal. The young monk was immediately enlightened.

[brother vinny]

Last edited by Yog^sothoth : Today at 01:02 AM. Reason: well. i would say this koan goes a bit beyond good taste. sorry guy.


Hmmph. If good taste is really the issue, maybe the exit wound should have bled barbecue sauce?

[C. D. Ward]

A young woman approached her teacher and asked, "excuse me, Master, is it time for my lesson?"
The teacher replied, "But you have already had your lesson."
The young woman was enlightened."

[Em7add11]

He asked me, "Why are you pointing that gun at me?"
* edited by a moderator *
And, immediately, he was enlightened.

That's actually kind of profound. :lol:

[Yog^sothoth]

That's actually kind of profound.
i think that would describe my ability perfectly! :teeth:

[brother vinny]

Methinks Yog needs enlightenment, Brother Vinny style!

:wink:

(Just kidding!)

[NeilUnreal]

"Master, where will I be after I die?" asks a novice.

"Where are you yesterday?" the master replies.

-Neil

[C. D. Ward]

Neil, that's actually quite good!

BTW, I really like your sig line... :thumb:

[NeilUnreal]

Thanks! (Although it's so solidly Zen-traditional I'd be surprised if something similar isn't already in out there.)

-Neil

[Seasanctuary]

One day Joshu spoke a koan to his students, wanting to see how they would respond. The newest student asked Joshu, "Is it better to be enlightened than not?"

At that moment, Joshu became enlightened.