Questions for people who have more than one kid.

[Rubia Warren]

Most of you know that I have 3 kids, 2 girls ages 6 and 5, and a son who is 3. I didn't grow up with any siblings until I was 14, so a lot of having kids (especially who are close in age) is a mystery to me. I never am sure if certain things that go on are normal stuff, or when I should step in, or how I should treat them. So, many times, I either end up overdoing it, or not doing something when I probably should have. So, I have questions for anybody who has kids, or anybody who grew up in a home with siblings.

What should be done when 2 kids bicker constantly? And what happens when they start hitting each other and stuff? Am I supposed to let them work it out, or step in right away?

What happens when one kid gets a gift from a relative and the others don't and they are hurt? Is that okay?

What can you do to make your kids like each other more? Is it normal if they are not very fond of one another? My 2 girls fight like cats and dogs.

What things should a parent of more than one child always remember to do so that she is treating allof the kids the same, and not playing favorites and making one feel bad?

[prgmrdave]

Today @ 10:55 PM post located here (http://www.theologyweb.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&postid=87018#post87018)
La Rubia:

Most of you know that I have 3 kids, 2 girls ages 6 and 5, and a son who is 3. I didn't grow up with any siblings until I was 14, so a lot of having kids (especially who are close in age) is a mystery to me. I never am sure if certain things that go on are normal stuff, or when I should step in, or how I should treat them. So, many times, I either end up overdoing it, or not doing something when I probably should have. So, I have questions for anybody who has kids, or anybody who grew up in a home with siblings.

What should be done when 2 kids bicker constantly? And what happens when they start hitting each other and stuff? Am I supposed to let them work it out, or step in right away?

What happens when one kid gets a gift from a relative and the others don't and they are hurt? Is that okay?

What can you do to make your kids like each other more? Is it normal if they are not very fond of one another? My 2 girls fight like cats and dogs.

What things should a parent of more than one child always remember to do so that she is treating allof the kids the same, and not playing favorites and making one feel bad?

I have three sons, aged 15, 9 and 7. It's still a mystery :shrug:

In my situation, the 15-year-old tends to act more like his little brothers (sort of a vicious circle where he finds it hard to relate to people his age, so there is a tendency to alienate, leaving him with few peer role-models, leaving him with mostly his brothers to socialize with, making it harder for him to relate to his peers, etc.); they wind up in something of a sibling rivalry (not fighting, per se) where the oldest sort of lords it over his younger brothers, instead of understanding that he is their role model.

Given that, I'd say that this is something with no quick fixes, so dig in for the long haul.

Do your daughters have separate rooms? It can help if they have their own retreats when one gets on the other's nerves.

I try very hard with my kids (especially the oldest) to point out that while we have every right to feel the way we do ("I don't like my sister"), it isn't our feelings that tell us right from wrong, and for any given unhappy situation ("she took my doll") there is a way to resolve it so that everyone is happy. It's important to me that my kids learn to look for people's motives in order to understand why they do what they do, especially when someone is doing something they don't think is right.

Today my youngest was playing an educational game on one computer, while my oldest was doing some writing on his computer, in the same room. Little brother had turned up the volume on the game, because he couldn't hear it well, and big brother said (sarcastically), "Do you think you could turn it up any higher?" because the volume distracted him from his writing.

I pointed out that while it was OK for big brother not to like the noise, it wasn't OK to deal with it that way, and it turned out that little brother didn't realize the sound was coming from the headphones rather than the speakers. So he turned down the volume (and actually put the headphones on :smile:) and they were both happy. (At least until the next disagreement :smile:)

There's not going to be anything that will get your daughters to like each other, but that will sort itself out in time. It's not uncommon for siblings to dislike each other, especially as young as they are. They're just coming up to the point where they realize that others have feelings, too. They are behaving this way because they sense unmet needs (often territorial), but since they're a ways away from being able to reflect on their own feelings, they just go ahead and act on them. Definitely, stepping in before they come to blows is a good thing, but up until then, it's more of a process of helping them understand that while their feelings are OK, other people's feelings are OK, too, and beating up on each other isn't going to fix stuff.

When I hear a bickering going on, I try to step in and let each one tell his side of the story without interference by the other (this is hard!). As one talks, I'll ask the other, "Did you say that?" to make sure everyone agrees on what happened, and then try to sort out needs and feelings and try to help each understand the other (this is where the dislike eventually gets sorted out), and try to help them resolve things in ways they both can agree to.

Things aren't hopeless at all. It doesn't sound like your daughters are acting age-inappropriately (which doesn't necessarily help the feeling of "can't they just get along?" :smile:). But we parents get to help them learn respect for others.

It's quite OK if one child feels left out because the other gets a gift. All feelings are OK; they're just emotional reactions, and you can't help what you feel, especially if you're 5 or 6. If it's pretty one-sided, then a word to the generous relative (or whomever) might be in order, though. When the left-out one says, "Why did she get something and not me?" you can say, "I don't know, but it certainly doesn't mean you're less special!" (assuming you really don't know).

Trying to treat your children all the same can be almost as bad as playing favorites. I'm sure your children aren't actually all the same (mine sure aren't). They know, with surgical precision, when things are "unfair." And they let you know. I try to keep right vs. wrong a higher standard than fair vs. unfair. I wouldn't say it's right to give one daughter a couple of cookies, say, and not the other, unless there were health reasons or you'd made a particular deal with one of them (in exchange for a chore or something like that), but even then, I'd want to try to offer a similar deal to the other.

What's really important is meeting their needs, and helping them learn how to meet their own needs in ways that don't detract from others. It's a little hard to get a 6-year-old to distinguish between her needs and her desires, so patience and gentle perseverance definitely help.

I hope this hasn't all been too vague to be of use, but please know that you're not alone! The fact that you care enough to ask shows a lot!

[luv1another]

Hi La Rubia,
I have 3 children but they are girl boy girl.... I guess I dont have as much bickering as i would with 2 girls closer together.
as a child me and my other two sisters fought like cats and dogs.... I think we were better off fighting each other because when mum or dad stepped in it always seemed unfair they didnt know what had happened and my middle sister used to wrap dad around her little finger.... so me being the oldest was always the one to get told off before the others did. However if your kids have tempers like my middle sis did well you may end up with serious injuries in one of the kids :teeth: she put a broom handle through my door and hit me over the head with a candlestick holder thing just to mention two :smile: when my kids fight I let them sort it out themselves most the time or I step in if its getting rough and say Im going to punish all of the ones that are fighting since I have no idea whos fault it was to start with. But hey everyone handles it diffrently :shrug:

when one kid gets a gift from a relative if its a birthday or something for a reason then I just say thats how it is.... if its for no reason and they just give one something and not the others I just tell them I don't think thats very fair either and I usually get something for the other two like say an icecream or something.

hmmm I don't think you can make siblings like each other anymore than you could place two of your friends together that had never met and had diffrent personalities and expect them to like each other.... however they should love each other.... there is a diffrence:smile: me and my sisters fought like cats and dogs but if anyone would try and do something to one of the other sisters that was bad usually there were the three muskateers they had to deal with :teeth:

you can't treat all the kids the same each has their own personalities... a great book is the love languages of children... it teaches how diffrent children respond to diffrent things and helps you to understand how to make your child feel loved in their language :) ... for example some children are touch so they like cuddles or things like that and they feel loved that way others are quality time and you could hug that child lots and they would still feel like you didnt love them as much.... anyway the books great.
also I sometimes ask my kids if you could spend an hour or two hours alone with me what would you like to do.... one of my children said bake cookies another said go to the movies when I said to the one that asked to bake cookies wouldnt you prefer to go to the movies she said no... see diffrent types of kids diffrent needs and ways they feel loved :)
JMOs:teeth:

Love in Christ
Luv1another

[Bill the Cat]

Rubia, may I suggest a book. It's called "Making children mind without losing yours" by Dr. Kevin Lehman.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0440551846/ref=pd_sim_books_1/102-2774181-2648119?v=glance&s=books

I have a 7 and 6 year old girls, and I think if we let them, they would literally kill each other. Dr Lehman straightened out my view of their relationship with us and each other.


Another is "the new birth order book" by the same author at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0800756797/ref=pd_sr_ec_ir_b/102-2774181-2648119?v=glance&s=books

They are not very long, but I have found them invaluable to dealing with my daughters and them dealing with each other.

[Jacob]

Everyone seems to have different levels where they feel the need to "get involved" conflict between children. I tend to get involved quickly, mainly to try to set up good habits.

We have "house rules" that include no lying, and no hitting ("The Klinstein family does not lie to each other, and people who love Jesus do not lie to anyone").

With Bickering (sometimes including pushing & hitting, etc.), we step in and tell them that "fighting" is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. They must (1) take turns talking & listening, & (2) come to an agreement peacefully, or (3) bring it to an adult to decide. The consequence I prefer (when they don't follow the guidelines) is having them sit upright on an uncarpeted floor, without toys, without permission to "play", until they decide they're ready to work things out in a nice way (or I take away what they're fighting about - for 1-2 weeks, or none of them get anything they wanted)....

Another "bad habit" my kids (girl, 7 & boy, 5) practice is whining. I've decided that whining is a means of punishing others (namely me)when they don't get their way, and I'm not going to be punished into giving it to them. So I don't listen when they whine, or I remove all possibility of them getting whatever they were whining about.

If they've physically hurt someone or lied to us, they'll probably get a spanking.

To finish the subject line:

Better parenting through better consequences...

We focus on "attitude" all the time. Almost every time there is a consequence, there is a time of prayer together to deal with the attitude. Sometimes they avoid punishment by (apparent) heartfelt repentence.

Jacob

[Rubia Warren]

Thank you, everybody for your posts! I really appreciate the advice.... it is interesting to me to find out how other people's households work, as I said before, I was raised by myself, and sometimes I think I am the only one who goes through any of these things... and half of the time, I am not sure if what is going on is something I should get involved in, or let it work itself out, or what.
But, thank you for the links to those books, Bill, I am going to get my hands on them and start reading right away!

[Ryokan]

As the eldest of five kids(12G,14G,15B,18B,20B) and not so old to have forgotten what it is like to be a kid, I'd like to offer a different perspective from just the parental end. Me and my two younger siblings fought constantly when I was younger, and there isn't alot parents can do about it. When you are constantly around someone with poorly developed social skills, and have poorly developed social skills yourself(this is all small children) conflict is inevitable. I think it is best not to get too envolved, but it is often hard to correctly assign blame, and ingdination from childhood injustices can often last to lifetimes. It also creates a negative perception of authority. For the most part, as long as the kids aren't bodily harming,( bad, not just wrestling, but face or back punching and hair pulling) each other or saying really cutting things, let the kids sort it out themselves. When they disagree with people as adults or in school, nobody is going to be there to help them come to peace. Duking it out with there siblings is the best way to do that because, at heart, they really do love there sibling, and will get tired of fighting, forcing peace.
But I may be wrong, and have never had kids, so....