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Jedidiah
02-08-2014, 04:16 PM
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Cow Poke
02-08-2014, 05:14 PM
A blonde female is driving too fast, and is pulled over by a police car, driven by --- a blonde female police officer!!!!

Approaching the vehicle, the blonde police officer asks the blonde driver for her identification. The blonde driver cannot find her license, and continues digging through her purse, finally finding her compact. She flips it open, sees herself in the mirror, and says, "Oh, HERE it is" and hands it to the police officer.

The blonde officer looks in the mirror and exclaims, "Well GOSH, why didn't you TELL me you were a cop! -- have a nice day!"

mossrose
02-08-2014, 05:18 PM
:hrm:

Is this just going to be a blonde female joke thread?

Because if it is, I might ban it.

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:19 PM
A fundy and a fundy atheist ...
(finish the joke)

Cow Poke
02-08-2014, 05:20 PM
So, this blonde female moderator finds a rolling pin....


:outtie:

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:21 PM
:hrm:

Is this just going to be a blonde female joke thread?

Because if it is, I might ban it.

I agree. Make fun of Fundy atheists and fundies instead! Or poke fun at animals. No more dumb blonde jokes!!! Or other mean jokes.

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:22 PM
So, this blonde female moderator finds a rolling pin....


:outtie:

:glare:

Cow Poke
02-08-2014, 05:24 PM
I agree. Make fun of Fundy atheists and fundies instead! Or poke fun at animals. No more dumb blonde jokes!!! Or other mean jokes.

Mossy is NOT dumb! :rant::mob::rant:

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:28 PM
Mossy is NOT dumb! :rant::mob::rant:

Correct! Don't be mad at me! I wasn't the one making dumb blonde jokes! Or was she kidding about being offended?

Cow Poke
02-08-2014, 05:29 PM
Correct! Don't be mad at me! I wasn't the one making dumb blonde jokes! Or was she kidding about being offended?

Mossy is my bestest friend - it's her job to keep me in line. :smug:

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:31 PM
okaaaay...

mossrose
02-08-2014, 05:32 PM
Yeah!

:brood:

Cow Poke
02-08-2014, 05:37 PM
Just wait til Rogue finds this thread. :lmbo:

Christianbookworm
02-08-2014, 05:44 PM
How many kjv-onlyists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Change the lightbulb! Why, that's the special light bulb that must never be changed because it was specially lit!

Jedidiah
02-09-2014, 11:28 AM
:hrm:

Is this just going to be a blonde female joke thread?

Because if it is, I might ban it.
What, moss, do you have against blondes? (Did you notice how cleverly I avoided capitalizing "moss?")

mossrose
02-09-2014, 11:41 AM
What, moss, do you have against blondes? (Did you notice how cleverly I avoided capitalizing "moss?")

Yes, I did notice you not capitalizing "moss".

I have nothing at all against blondes. I happen to be one. Natural, too.

So blonde jokes tend to rub me the wrong way.

Cow Poke
02-09-2014, 11:48 AM
Yes, I did notice you not capitalizing "moss".

I have nothing at all against blondes. I happen to be one. Natural, too.

So blonde jokes tend to rub me the wrong way.

OK. I apologize.. lemme try again....

There was this female Canadian driving down the highway.....
:outtie:

Cerealman
02-09-2014, 12:01 PM
And she hit a maple tree...
Syrup went everywhere.

mossrose
02-09-2014, 12:17 PM
:glare:

mossrose
02-09-2014, 12:18 PM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

mossrose
02-09-2014, 12:19 PM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

DLAbaoaqu
02-09-2014, 12:22 PM
Here's a riddle:

A guy sleeps under the hood of his car; he wakes up oily.
Another guy sleeps under back of the car; he wakes up exhausted.
What happened to the guy who slept with jumper cables?

supton
02-09-2014, 02:39 PM
Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?








Because they have large fingers.

supton
02-09-2014, 02:40 PM
Woman was shopping for turkeys in the frozen turkey isle. She had a large number to feed, and so she was looking for the biggest tom she could find. Not finding one large enough to her tastes she asked the clerk "do these get any bigger?" To which the clerk replied "no ma'am these are all dead."

Jedidiah
02-09-2014, 03:33 PM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

See, blonds are not so bad.

mossrose
02-09-2014, 03:39 PM
Yeah!

DLAbaoaqu
02-09-2014, 08:29 PM
Here's a riddle:

A guy sleeps under the hood of his car; he wakes up oily.
Another guy sleeps under back of the car; he wakes up exhausted.
What happened to the guy who slept with jumper cables?

ANSWER: He wakes up with a start!

Zymologist
02-10-2014, 02:44 PM
The presiding judge in a case involving a man charged with tax evasion was known for his dry sense of humor. As the defendant stood before him alone, the judge asked if he had counsel. Looking toward the ceiling, the man replied, "Jesus Christ is my counselor and defender."

The wise Judge nodded slowly while carefully framing his next question, which was, "Sir, do you have LOCAL counsel?"

Zymologist
02-10-2014, 02:46 PM
An evangelical is a fundamentalist whose kids dress up for Halloween.
A conservative evangelical is a fundamentalist whose kids dress up for the churchs Fall Festival.
A confessional evangelical is a fundamentalist whose kids dress up as Zwingli and Bucer for Reformation Day.
A revivalist evangelical is a fundamentalist whose kids dress up as demons and angels for the churchs Judgment House community evangelism outreach.
An Emerging Church evangelical is a fundamentalist who has no kids, but who dresses up for Halloween anyway.
A fundamentalist is a fundamentalist whose kids hand out gospel tracts to all those mentioned above.

Zymologist
02-10-2014, 02:47 PM
A bit of wisdom:

You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.

DLAbaoaqu
02-10-2014, 03:12 PM
My wife put a mud mask on her face before going to bed and for the next week, she looked gorgeous... then the mud fell off.

Christianbookworm
02-10-2014, 03:37 PM
Here's a dirty joke!
a white horse fell in a mud puddle!

Soyeong
02-10-2014, 05:09 PM
Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. It takes an average of 10 years to get a car. 1 out of 7 families owned automobiles. You have to go through a major process and put the money out in advance. So this man did this and the dealer said "okay in 10 years come get your car." "Morning or afternoon?" The man replied. "well what difference does it make?" Said the dealer. "The plumber is coming in the morning."

Cerealman
02-10-2014, 07:45 PM
Wanna hear a joke about blondes?

































































I forget

DLAbaoaqu
02-10-2014, 09:17 PM
How many fundy atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three.
One to hold the ladder.
One to screw in the bulb.
One to say "If Christians had their way, we'd still be using torches!".

David Hayward
02-10-2014, 09:52 PM
How many Jewish men does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't know!
You don't care!
You don't love me any more!

Zymologist
02-11-2014, 01:37 PM
It's a lot of fun to take the phrase "make like a _______ and _______" and fill in the blanks (preferably in a way that actually makes sense). Such as:

Let's make like a baby and head out.

Let's make like the French Revolution and head off.

Let's make like a sea monster and get krakken!*



*Alas, only the last one is actually of my own invention.

ETA: the more I think about that last one, the more I think it needs to be rephrased. Oh, well. I laughed when I came up with it, years ago.

Zymologist
02-12-2014, 02:57 PM
262

lilpixieofterror
02-12-2014, 06:02 PM
Yes, I did notice you not capitalizing "moss".

I have nothing at all against blondes. I happen to be one. Natural, too.

So blonde jokes tend to rub me the wrong way.

I'm a natural blonde too and I just remember two things:

1. Blonde jokes were written by jealous brunettes that wish they were natural blondes.
2. The proof of this is that how many of them dye their hair to be blondes?

See? Feeling better already?

Darth Xena
02-12-2014, 07:22 PM
Thus endeth the joke.

Jedidiah
02-12-2014, 09:32 PM
My hair was almost white when I was a little one, I was so blonde. But I got better.

Christianbookworm
02-12-2014, 09:36 PM
My hair was almost white when I was a little one, I was so blonde. But I got better.

That sounds so adorable! Do you have any pictures from back then?

DLAbaoaqu
02-16-2014, 08:44 AM
Q: What did the Mommy Buffalo say to the Baby Buffalo when he went off to school?

A: "Bye, son!"

Jedidiah
02-27-2014, 11:54 PM
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

MaxVel
03-01-2014, 04:22 AM
A man was playing a round of golf with a friend. They were just about to tee off on the 11th, when a funeral cortege went past on the nearby road. The man interrupted his tee shot to doff his cap, bow his head and keep silent while the cortege went past. His playing partner, slightly surprised at this, said "I didn't realize you were such a caring and empathetic guy." The man replied: "It was the least I could do. We were married for thirty-five years."

MaxVel
03-01-2014, 04:23 AM
It's a lot of fun to take the phrase "make like a _______ and _______" and fill in the blanks (preferably in a way that actually makes sense). Such as:

Let's make like a baby and head out.

Let's make like the French Revolution and head off.

Let's make like a sea monster and get krakken!*



*Alas, only the last one is actually of my own invention.

ETA: the more I think about that last one, the more I think it needs to be rephrased. Oh, well. I laughed when I came up with it, years ago.



Let's make like a tree and leaf

Let's make like a banana and split

MaxVel
03-01-2014, 04:26 AM
Can anyone add to this list?




About as useful as....


...soap false teeth

...an ashtray on a motorbike

...a margarine gearbox

...

KingsGambit
03-08-2014, 05:08 PM
What did Gandalf say to the student who didn't study?

"You shall not pass!"

rogue06
03-08-2014, 06:53 PM
What did Gandalf say to the student who didn't study?

"You shall not pass!"
How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the Rings pinball game?










None -- it only takes Tolkiens

KingsGambit
03-17-2014, 08:18 AM
What did St. Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are ye all right in the back there, lads?"

fm93
03-17-2014, 04:23 PM
The Carolina Panthers' wide receivers.

MaxVel
03-24-2014, 12:23 AM
What's the difference between a stage musician and a scientist who studies rodent behaviour?











One pulls rabbits out of hats, the other pulls habits out of rats.

Jedidiah
03-29-2014, 12:03 AM
Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Caller: My wife is going into labor and I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Caller: No, this is her husband.

sylas
03-29-2014, 05:40 PM
There are three problems with growing old.

There's loss of memory..... .... I forget the other two.

sylas
03-29-2014, 07:39 PM
I once complained I had no shoes, then met a man who had no feet; it turns out he had a pair of shoes he wasn't using.

rogue06
07-25-2014, 01:19 PM
What type of music do mummies listen to?


















Wrap music

rogue06
07-25-2014, 01:20 PM
Why don't shrimp ever share anything with anybody?














Because they're a little shellfish

rogue06
07-25-2014, 01:21 PM
What did the ghost say to the wall?












I'm just passing through

rogue06
07-25-2014, 01:22 PM
What do prisoners use to call each other?












Cell phones

rogue06
07-25-2014, 01:23 PM
What did the ocean say to the boat?












Nothing. It just waved.

Zymologist
07-25-2014, 01:36 PM
1239

Teallaura
08-05-2014, 06:49 AM
:hehe:






Joke of the Month




A man in the early years of his marriage was convinced he and his family needed a four-wheel-drive pickup truck. His wife was sure that he did not need but merely wanted the new vehicle. A playful conversation between this husband and wife initiated their consideration of the advantages and disadvantages of such a purchase.
"She asked, "Why do you think we need a truck?"
He answered her question with what he believed was the perfect response: "What if we needed milk for our children in a terrible storm, and the only way I could get tot he grocery store was in a pickup?"


His wife replied, "If we buy a new truck, we won't have money for milk."

Cerebrum123
08-05-2014, 06:57 AM
1239

:lol:

sylas
08-06-2014, 12:04 PM
A woman comes in to a bar, and says "Give me a double entendre".

So the barman gives it to her.

Teallaura
08-22-2014, 04:59 PM
Joke of the Month





A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure.."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs...
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"




:hehe:

rogue06
08-22-2014, 06:24 PM
So did he go back and get her toast?

Teallaura
08-22-2014, 06:49 PM
No, they both forgot.

rogue06
08-22-2014, 07:00 PM
Forgot what?

Zymologist
08-26-2014, 08:31 PM
1842

TimelessTheist
08-26-2014, 09:13 PM
So, a baby seal walks into a club......






























Once again, I'm sorry.

David Hayward
08-26-2014, 11:12 PM
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner.

I realised it was just gathering dust.

Teallaura
08-27-2014, 07:35 AM
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner.

I realised it was just gathering dust.
:rofl:

Truthseeker
09-01-2014, 02:05 PM
Wife to man who is poking at his computer: Time for bed, honey.
Man: Not now, this is important.
Wife: What?
Man: Someone is wrong on TWeb.

(That is based on a cartoon by someone who is not identified by Casey Research [2014 8/29]. The difference is "Internet" instead of "TWeb")

rogue06
09-01-2014, 02:47 PM
Wife to man who is poking at his computer: Time for bed, honey.
Man: Not now, this is important.
Wife: What?
Man: Someone is wrong on TWeb.

(That is based on a cartoon by someone who is not identified by Casey Research [2014 8/29]. The difference is "Internet" instead of "TWeb")
http://truestorieswithgill.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/someonewaswrong.jpg
From xkcd and called "Duty Calls"

rogue06
09-01-2014, 02:51 PM
http://truestorieswithgill.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/someonewaswrong.jpg
From xkcd and called "Duty Calls"
http://www.baby.co.uk/wp-content/gallery/wyoo-iwd/wrong-on-the-internet.jpg

Teallaura
09-01-2014, 05:43 PM
:zzz: Speak for yourselves - I'm not giving up sleep forever!

KingsGambit
09-20-2014, 01:12 PM
I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.

Teallaura
10-06-2014, 06:40 PM
An Israeli with a good sense of humor at United Nations set the record straight.




An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.




A representative from Israel began:

'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"




Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!




The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up and

shouted furiously, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."




The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

fm93
10-06-2014, 07:40 PM
Q: What did Sparko say on his 80th birthday?
A: "Aye matey."

fm93
10-06-2014, 07:43 PM
:hehe:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MUsVcYhERY

fm93
10-06-2014, 07:46 PM
And one of my personal favorites:

Parallel lines have so much in common. Unfortunately, they'll never meet.

Teallaura
10-06-2014, 08:08 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otx0xSxHBII

fm93
10-06-2014, 08:25 PM
Q: How do you know you have good barbecue?

A: It isn't from Wendy's.

Zymologist
10-10-2014, 09:57 PM
2305

fm93
10-10-2014, 10:58 PM
Q: How did the Roman Empire become divided in two?

A: With Caesars.

Truthseeker
10-16-2014, 01:42 PM
You likely know what a pallet is. If not, take a gander at the images in this webpage: http://www.bing.com/search?q=pallet&form=IE10TR&src=IE10TR&pc=MALNJS

Now for the joke (unintentional, to be sure--details of origin withheld to protect the innocent):

Although many of my colleagues are connoisseurs of disaster -- have a scent for it like some have a pallet for fine wine (a tolerable thing because their predictions are usually correct) --

"Palate" is the correct spelling. Oh, what a palatial error!

fm93
10-16-2014, 02:06 PM
The Kansas City Royals walk into the World Series

Hey, wait...

fm93
10-16-2014, 02:44 PM
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

But he's 0K right now.

Zymologist
10-16-2014, 02:59 PM
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

But he's 0K right now.

2345

That was pretty funny.

Zymologist
10-16-2014, 03:04 PM
This is my favorite Bible joke:

2346

Zymologist
10-16-2014, 03:05 PM
I can't think of any jokes, but I have pictures.

2347

Jedidiah
10-16-2014, 06:02 PM
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

But he's 0K right now.

Arrg.

fm93
10-16-2014, 07:05 PM
Why such a cold response?

Teallaura
10-23-2014, 06:25 PM
Joke of the Month





A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."




:hehe:

Truthseeker
10-23-2014, 06:36 PM
Why such a cold response?Well, now after Teal's joke, maybe we will have a warm response.:clap:

Truthseeker
10-28-2014, 01:48 PM
Errors like that make you want to swear. From a report that was partly about the history of trading wares:
". . . and then the new owners took the Chinese wears to a different town . . . "

rogue06
11-20-2014, 06:31 AM
"Yeah, I pretty much never sit around a swimming pool anymore." --Marco Polo

rogue06
11-20-2014, 06:32 AM
Whoever invented the "Knock Knock" joke ought to win a No-Bell Prize.

Jedidiah
11-23-2014, 03:00 PM
Signs, (not new but)

Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Jedidiah
12-13-2014, 08:59 PM
This is an old one, but I still like it.

WARNING: If you are a liberal you might want to skip it.

BARACK OBAMA MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s David Cameron!”

KingsGambit
12-23-2014, 06:06 PM
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

Littlejoe
12-23-2014, 08:11 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, Jesus knows youre here. He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, Jesus is watching you. Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot. Yep, the parrot confessed, then squawked, Im just trying to warn you that he is watching you. The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
I'm Moses. replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed. What kind of people would name a bird Moses?
The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.

fm93
12-24-2014, 07:23 AM
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.
http://replygif.net/i/172.gif

rogue06
12-24-2014, 07:53 AM
http://replygif.net/i/172.gif
I'm trying to pretend that I don't get it :hrm:

Littlejoe
12-26-2014, 12:23 PM
Mark Sanchez, RG3 and Eli Manning walk into a sports bar....









To WATCH the Cowboys in the Playoffs!!!!! :yipee:

Jedidiah
12-26-2014, 01:47 PM
What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

I love it. Had to use it last night as my son's house.

37818
12-26-2014, 06:12 PM
Can you figure this out? The oldest man who ever lived, died before his father did. What would be his father's name?

Jedidiah
12-26-2014, 08:43 PM
I think most of us here can answer that one. We can also give the fathers name.

Littlejoe
01-05-2015, 03:05 PM
Outhouse Fifty Yards Away

Written by: Willie Makit
Edited by: Bettye Dont
Illustrated by: Oopsy Didnt

rogue06
01-11-2015, 09:30 AM
What do you end up with if you attach a bunch of watches together in order to make a belt?



A waist of time

rogue06
01-11-2015, 09:35 AM
What do we do when a chemist dies?



We barium

Littlejoe
01-11-2015, 11:20 AM
Two guys walk into a bar...



















































the third guy ducked....:hehe:

37818
01-11-2015, 07:02 PM
One bright day in the middle of the night.
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other.
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
And came and shot the two dead boys.
If you do not believe my story tall.
Just ask the blind man.
He saw it all.

Truthseeker
01-12-2015, 06:12 PM
An Australian therapist may have to change his URL: sydneytherapist.com

Littlejoe
01-14-2015, 06:19 AM
Why did God invent whiskey?


To keep the Irish from taking over the world!

Jedidiah
01-15-2015, 06:27 PM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said,"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an"Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Littlejoe
01-15-2015, 10:22 PM
Speaking of rabbits...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


Unique up on him!

KingsGambit
01-17-2015, 06:36 PM
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

rogue06
01-21-2015, 12:29 AM
If you were planning on shooting a mime, would you use a silencer?

mossrose
01-26-2015, 08:11 AM
Much of his life, Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot, which produced calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he often had bad breath.

Do you know what this made him?







































































































Wait for it............


































































































A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

37818
01-31-2015, 12:16 PM
Do you know why blondes created dumb blonde jokes?











































































So brunette have something to do.

Jude
02-08-2015, 05:24 AM
Sign in shoe repair shop: We don't preach but we save soles.

Cow Poke
02-08-2015, 05:36 AM
Speaking of rabbits...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


Unique up on him!

How do you catch the EtherBunny?


With an Ethernet!

Jude
02-08-2015, 05:39 AM
So, this horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Jude
02-08-2015, 06:15 AM
How do you catch the EtherBunny?


With an Ethernet!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.

Cerebrum123
02-08-2015, 07:16 AM
How do you catch the EtherBunny?


With an Ethernet!

It came with another card, but you mean this guy right?

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/02/31/f5/0231f53582fb4579fd732599b8e247f9.jpg

Jedidiah
02-14-2015, 11:53 PM
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to him and punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl . . . not on my watch.

Jude
02-15-2015, 04:37 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a weekend camping trip. After sharing perhaps a little too much liquid refreshments on Friday evening, they settle in to sleep. Early in the morning hours, Holmes elbows Watson and says, "Watson, look up, what do you see?" Watson replies, "I see stars and more stars." Holmes agrees, "And what does that tell you, Watson?" "Well,"" says Watson, "Astronomically it tells me that there are billions and billions of stars. Multiple galaxies." "Meteorologically it tells me that tomorrow will be a clear and sunny day." "Astrologically I see that Jupiter is in Saturn." and "Theologically it tells me that man is just an infinitesimal speck amid a vast and wondrous creation." What, does it tell you, Sherlock?"

Sherlock replies, "Holmes you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!!"

Teallaura
02-17-2015, 10:29 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a weekend camping trip. After sharing perhaps a little too much liquid refreshments on Friday evening, they settle in to sleep. Early in the morning hours, Holmes elbows Watson and says, "Watson, look up, what do you see?" Watson replies, "I see stars and more stars." Holmes agrees, "And what does that tell you, Watson?" "Well," says Watson, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions and billions of stars. Multiple galaxies. Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow will be a clear and sunny day. Astrologically, I see that Jupiter is in Saturn, and theologically, it tells me that man is just an infinitesimal speck amid a vast and wondrous creation. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Sherlock replies, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!!"


fixed it for ya... :flowers:

rogue06
02-17-2015, 10:33 PM
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home for college?




































Bison.

Jude
02-18-2015, 03:45 AM
fixed it for ya... :flowers:

Thank you friend!!!
It's SO much better when told properly.
I started a joke......oh, but I didn't see.....

Jude
02-18-2015, 08:32 PM
Never under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

sylas
02-18-2015, 10:12 PM
Never under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

As I age, I am actually becoming more regular in my habits. Every morning at 6am I void my bladder, and at 6:30 I open my bowels... and at 7:00 I wake up.

Jude
02-19-2015, 05:05 AM
The yogi was asked if he would like novacaine before a tooth filling.
He replied, "No thanks, I can transcend dental medication."

rogue06
02-19-2015, 05:14 AM
A group of chess players who came to play in a tournament had just checked into a hotel but instead of going to their rooms stood in the lobby talking about various matches and bragging about their recent victories. After about an hour, the front desk clerk came over and told them they needed to go to their rooms

The hotel manager overheard this and called the clerk into his office and asked him to explain why he had been rude to the hotel guests since they didn't appear to be harming anyone.

The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Jude
02-19-2015, 05:31 AM
A pony was giving a speech in a lecture hall. A man stood up in the back and said he could not hear.
The pony said, "You'll have to forgive me. I'm a little horse."

Cow Poke
02-19-2015, 07:10 AM
As I age, I am actually becoming more regular in my habits. Every morning at 6am I void my bladder, and at 6:30 I open my bowels... and at 7:00 I wake up.


You've been reading Rogue's diary, I see.

Littlejoe
02-19-2015, 09:52 AM
I didn't sleep well last night, so I decided to make my coffee with Red Bull. I was half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car... :aye:

Sparko
02-19-2015, 11:30 AM
Mickiel.



:lmbo:

Sparko
02-19-2015, 12:50 PM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

Jude
02-20-2015, 05:27 AM
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Jedidiah
02-20-2015, 06:56 PM
4135

Jude
02-22-2015, 05:12 AM
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not the one ahead.

Jedidiah
02-22-2015, 02:28 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Yes, don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Jude
02-25-2015, 04:34 AM
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase, "fire at will."

Jedidiah
02-25-2015, 02:03 PM
New version of an oldie:

One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.

"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"

"You're under arrest," said the policeman.

"But why?" he asked.

The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

Cow Poke
02-25-2015, 02:26 PM
KIND of a joke......


One of those "Bible Museum" places had a number of live displays, one of which depicted "The Lion will lay down with the Lamb"*. They had a REAL lion and a REAL lamb, and, sure enough, they seemed to get along just fine. One day, the Museum Curator was giving a tour, and a guest, astonished at the lion and the lamb getting along so well, asked..... "How do you DO that?"

The curator shrugged and said, "oh, it's no problem - we just have to put a new lamb in there about every 3 or 4 days".








*nevermind that this is a misrepresentation of Isaiah 11:6 -The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

The Melody Maker
03-04-2015, 10:12 AM
We have a whiteboard in my work place on which any of the staff can write "positive thoughts" for the other staff members to see. Yesterday, I saw that one clever person had written this on it:

"Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes, because then you're a mile away and wearing his shoes."

No, I didn't write it -- but I thought it was pretty good. :hehe:

Littlejoe
03-04-2015, 05:16 PM
We have a whiteboard in my work place on which any of the staff can write "positive thoughts" for the other staff members to see. Yesterday, I saw that one clever person had written this on it:

"Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes, because then you're a mile away and wearing his shoes."

No, I didn't write it -- but I thought it was pretty good. :hehe:They must have been reading CP's posts here on Tweb....:hehe:

http://www.theologyweb.com/campus/showthread.php?5766-Notable-Quotes&p=166618&viewfull=1#post166618

rogue06
03-05-2015, 12:01 PM
A lost dog wanders into a jungle. Meanwhile, a lion sees this from a distance and says to himself, “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts charging towards the dog intent on eating him.

The dog spots the lion and starts to panic but as he’s about to try to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him and gets an idea. “Mmm... that sure was some tasty lion meat,” he says loudly.

The lion abruptly stops and thinks, "Whoa! This guy is obviously tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”

Over in a nearby tree a monkey witnessed everything and figures the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and therefore having the lion owe him a favor.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back and we’ll go get him together.” So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened and begins to panic even more, but he then gets another idea and shouts “Where is that stupid monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

Zymologist
03-10-2015, 08:30 AM
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

rogue06
03-10-2015, 11:45 AM
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

rogue06
03-10-2015, 11:48 AM
Day 17


I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.

-- Pavlov’s DogXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bill the Cat
03-10-2015, 12:25 PM
A man goes into a dog pound looking for a guard dog.

The pound watchman takes him back into the area with the dogs.

They come across a Rottweiler chewing on a board.

"Wow! That looks like a tough dog" the man says

The watchman says, "that's nothing, follow me"

They come across a pit bull chewing on a metal bar

The man says "WOW!! Now THAT is what I am talking about!"

The watchman says "he's not the one you need. Follow me."

They come to the last cage in the building where a Chihuahua lays while licking his private parts.

The man says "WHAT??? Are you kidding me? A Chihuahua???"

The watchman said "We had a break-in earlier, and Pedro there is getting the taste out of his mouth"

Jude
03-15-2015, 04:48 AM
I play the bagpipes and get various gigs for doing so.
Once I was asked by a friend of mine who is a funeral director to play at a small service in the back country of Kentucky for a homeless man.
I had the time and agreed but being unfamiliar with the area I was soon lost and several minutes late arriving to the grave
site. When I rounded one particularly long curve, I discovered that I was indeed late. That everyone had left except for the
workers and they were taking lunch beside their backhoe. I got out my pipes anyway and approached the open grave. The vault cover
was already in place. I played a touching and mournful version of Amazing Grace. I played my heart out for this homeless man
with no friends or family. The workers gathered around me hats in hand. They cried. I cried. I finished and silently walked away
with my heart swelling to the point of bursting. As I put my pipes back in my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Never seen
nothing like that and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Note: Full disclosure. I do not play bagpipes. This joke was read aloud by Ravi Z. in first person so I followed suit.

rogue06
03-20-2015, 09:02 AM
4764
Click on the image and then click on the resulting image to embiggen it

mossrose
03-20-2015, 11:28 AM
That should be in the Canadian thread, as Colin Mochrie is a Canuck.

Chrawnus
03-25-2015, 11:13 AM
A little girl walks up to a punk rocker.

"Why is your hair so green?", she asks him.

The man sneezes, wipes the snot off his nose with his hand and then proceeds to nonchalantly run aforementioned hand through his own hair.

"I've got no idea."

Chrawnus
03-25-2015, 10:31 PM
How can you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert?
When he's talking to you a Finnish introvert looks at his feet.
A Finnish extrovert looks at yours.

Chrawnus
03-25-2015, 10:32 PM
How come the Arabs got oil and Finns got potatoes?
You can't make booze from oil.

Chrawnus
03-25-2015, 10:36 PM
+15C / 59F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.
+10C / 50F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5C / 41F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
0C / 32F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
-5C / 23F
People in California freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10C / 14F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20C / -4F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30C / -22F
People in Greece die.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40C / -40F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".
-50C / -58F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-60C / -76F
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183C / -297.4F
Microbes in food don't survive.
Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
-273C / -459.4F
All atom-based movent halts.
Finns say "-*, it's cold outside today."
-300C / -508F
Hell freezes over.
Finland announces a tax reduction.


*I removed a Finnish curseword, for anyone interested it's the probably most well-known Finnish swearword in existence.

Chrawnus
03-25-2015, 10:51 PM
Q: What is the difference between an empty stomach and a Finnish person who wants to ask something from a stranger?

A: You can actually hear the empty stomach.


Q: What is the most heavenly language?

A: Finnish, because it takes an eternity to learn.



Q: How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Once a Finn has noticed that a light bulb is made of glass and has the shape of a bottle, he'll try to open it.



Q: No, seriously, how many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough vodka for the room to start spinning.



Q: What's the difference between the Vikings and Finnish men?

A: When the Vikings came home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when a Finnish man comes home after drinking, that's when the real war begins.



Q: How do you know a Finnish man is madly in love with his wife?

A: He almost tells her.

Sparko
03-26-2015, 05:31 AM
Finland sounds like a warmer version of Canada.

Bill the Cat
03-26-2015, 06:35 AM
What's the difference between an abandoned Greyhound station and a lobster with large breasts?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean

:lol:

Cow Poke
03-26-2015, 07:22 AM
What's the difference between a rubber hose and a drunk Dutchman?


One's a hollow cylinder - the other is a silly Hollander.

Littlejoe
03-26-2015, 05:49 PM
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you havean extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” saysGrandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment andsaid, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that Ican bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditors jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes thebet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?”Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get adrop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d behappy about it!”

Littlejoe
03-27-2015, 06:33 AM
A Police Officer radio's into Headquarters.

Officer: "Sarge, we have a situation"

Sarge: "Yes, go ahead."

Officer: "A woman has apparently shot her husband for walking across the floor she had just mopped"

Sarge: "Ok, have you placed her under arrest and secured the scene?"

Officer: "No sir....you see, the floor is still wet"

Zymologist
03-31-2015, 07:54 AM
Q: How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Once a Finn has noticed that a light bulb is made of glass and has the shape of a bottle, he'll try to open it.



Q: No, seriously, how many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough vodka for the room to start spinning.


This is funny.

Jedidiah
03-31-2015, 08:30 PM
*OBAMA RATED 5th BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY*

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America.
From a total of 44 US Presidents, Obama is rated as the fifth best.
The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement:
After almost six years in office, Americans have rated President
Obama the fifth best President ever.
These are the details according to Texas A&M:
*1. Ronald Reagan & Abraham Lincoln tied for first*
*2. Twenty three presidents tied for second*
*3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third*
*4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and*
*5. Obama came in fifth*

Bill the Cat
04-03-2015, 09:43 AM
What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head?

I blame my shelf.

Teallaura
04-06-2015, 09:51 AM
*OBAMA RATED 5th BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY*

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America.
From a total of 44 US Presidents, Obama is rated as the fifth best.
The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement:
After almost six years in office, Americans have rated President
Obama the fifth best President ever.
These are the details according to Texas A&M:
*1. Ronald Reagan & Abraham Lincoln tied for first*
*2. Twenty three presidents tied for second*
*3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third*
*4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and*
*5. Obama came in fifth*

:rofl:

Jedidiah
04-06-2015, 02:20 PM
A fellow goes into his local veterinarian and says “Dr. — I've got a world famous champion horse, but I can't get the birds to stop nesting in his mane — what should I do?”

The veterinarian says, “Very simple — pick up a box of yeast on your way home, sprinkle it in your horses mane, and the birds will go away.”

The horse owner does as he's told, buys a box of yeast on the way home, sprinkles it in his horse's mane, and instantly all the birds fly away never to return!

The horse owner is ecstatic, rushes back to the veterinarian, and says, “It's a miracle Dr. — your recommendation worked after every other treatment I could think of had failed but tell me, what is the rationale for this strange treatment?”

The veterinarian says, “Very simple — yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.”

Jedidiah
04-09-2015, 01:12 PM
What is the difference between a green apple and a red apple?

They are both red except for the green one.

Littlejoe
04-09-2015, 08:43 PM
A Rangers fan, a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Red Sox fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for the SOX!", he yells and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Rangers fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for TEXAS!" and pushes the Yankee fan off the mountain.

rogue06
04-15-2015, 03:20 PM
5669

rogue06
04-17-2015, 10:11 PM
There's a band called 1023MB.


They haven't had any gigs yet.

Truthseeker
04-18-2015, 07:48 PM
There's a band called 1023MB.


They haven't had any gigs yet.:giggle:

mossrose
04-19-2015, 11:36 AM
When the man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died, the undertakers had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They'd put the right leg in and..........well, you know the rest.

rogue06
04-24-2015, 10:05 AM
5950

Bill the Cat
04-24-2015, 12:28 PM
5951

Truthseeker
04-24-2015, 04:04 PM
Oh, wow, the Jokes thread has mutated into another funny pictures thread.

rogue06
04-26-2015, 01:03 PM
Oh, wow, the Jokes thread has mutated into another funny pictures thread.
ok.

6007

Truthseeker
04-30-2015, 06:19 PM
Oscars are made possible by a movie script for any or all of the following people: Steven Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone, Steve Segall, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The script involves some famous composers. Spielberg let Sylvester pick first which composer he will play. Sly said he'd love to play Mozart. Next up was Segall: "Beethoven!" Bruce said, "Chopin!"

Spielberg was pleased by how things fell out so quickly.

"Arnold, who'd you be?" He asked Arnold. Came the reply: "I'll be Bach!"

Chaotic Void
05-01-2015, 09:31 AM
Q: They found a dead drummer and a dead squirrel on the side of the road. What's the difference?
A: The Squirrel had a gig.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 11:13 AM
A haiku about getting out of bed:



No No No No No

No No No No No No No

No No No No No.

:bravo:

rogue06
05-01-2015, 01:55 PM
The doctors told me that had Type A blood but it was a Type O

rogue06
05-01-2015, 01:56 PM
Is a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray considered a seasoned veteran?

rogue06
05-01-2015, 01:57 PM
I tried to catch some fog this morning but I mist.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 01:57 PM
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 02:00 PM
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 02:01 PM
I stayed up all night trying to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 02:02 PM
A woman claimed that she recognized me from a vegetarian club but I never meter herbivore.

rogue06
05-01-2015, 02:04 PM
These last few jokes are much like a broken pencil. Pointless.

Truthseeker
05-18-2015, 06:25 PM
An e-magazine claimed that making gourmet sandwiches yourself could save a "stunning" amount. See, a gourmet take-out sandwich costs around $14, but the DIY sandwich costs only $11.34. So, let's see, 11.34/14 = .81, which the author called "stunning." What he should have done is to compute 1-0.81 ~ only 19% savings. Do you wonder lightning struck the author upon seeing the first result of his ratiocinations?

Jedidiah
05-19-2015, 12:52 PM
An e-magazine claimed that making gourmet sandwiches yourself could save a "stunning" amount. See, a gourmet take-out sandwich costs around $14, but the DIY sandwich costs only $11.34. So, let's see, 11.34/14 = .81, which the author called "stunning." What he should have done is to compute 1-0.81 ~ only 19% savings. Do you wonder lightning struck the author upon seeing the first result of his ratiocinations?

Is this a joke at all?

mossrose
05-20-2015, 06:52 AM
Is this a joke at all?

I find it laughable to imagine a sandwich you make yourself costing 11 bucks and change.....

rogue06
05-20-2015, 11:32 AM
I find it laughable to imagine a sandwich you make yourself costing 11 bucks and change.....
Not at all

6602

mossrose
05-20-2015, 11:34 AM
Not at all

6602

Yeah, but you are weird.

rogue06
05-20-2015, 12:09 PM
Yeah, but you are weird.
But in a good way :smug:

Jedidiah
05-23-2015, 05:39 PM
6705

Jedidiah
05-24-2015, 10:14 AM
A fellow walks into a doctor's office with a large piece of lettuce sticking out of his nose. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Good grief, man, that looks absolutely horrendous."
The man replies, "You haven't seen anything yet. That's just the tip of the iceberg."

Jedidiah
05-25-2015, 01:00 PM
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

Jedidiah
05-25-2015, 01:22 PM
Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen. Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.

mossrose
05-31-2015, 11:20 AM
Not a joke, but a riddle:

What is greater than God -- and is more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. And if you eat it, you will die.

Chrawnus
05-31-2015, 12:48 PM
Not a joke, but a riddle:

What is greater than God -- and is more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. And if you eat it, you will die.

I know the answer, but I cheated, so I'll let someone else answer. :yes:

Chrawnus
05-31-2015, 01:33 PM
It seems like mossy approves of cheating. :no: :glare: :thumbd:

6936

:outtie:

mossrose
05-31-2015, 01:45 PM
:doh:

Chrawnus
05-31-2015, 02:01 PM
:doh:

:teeth:

rogue06
05-31-2015, 03:36 PM
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asked the bartender.

The Roman responds, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it.







Another Roman walks into the bar and holds up two fingers spread wide like a peace sign and says, "I'll have five beers please."

Truthseeker
05-31-2015, 04:11 PM
What does a skunk's car run on?

[If you're impatient, highlight the following space fumes]:yipee:

37818
05-31-2015, 08:16 PM
Not a joke, but a riddle:

What is greater than God -- and is more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. And if you eat it, you will die.

I used Google.

mossrose
05-31-2015, 08:23 PM
I used Google.

Somebody may as well give the answer. Nobody is interested in guessing.

The Melody Maker
05-31-2015, 09:06 PM
I have nothing to say.




:teeth:

rogue06
06-01-2015, 03:49 AM
Nothing at all.

Bill the Cat
06-01-2015, 06:46 AM
Not a joke, but a riddle:

What is greater than God -- and is more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. And if you eat it, you will die.

The answer is "nothing"

Jedidiah
06-01-2015, 01:51 PM
Whoda thunkit?

Zymologist
06-01-2015, 01:57 PM
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

rogue06
06-04-2015, 08:31 PM
7009





7010

Ben Zwycky
06-05-2015, 03:22 AM
7009





7010

It'd work better if he said 'I know some/a couple of jokes about unemployed people' in the first frame, so that the verb forms agree.

rogue06
06-07-2015, 11:08 AM
Why is Peter Pan always flying?



Because he neverlands




















I like this joke because it never grows old

Jude
06-07-2015, 11:11 AM
Riddle: The oldest man that ever lived died before his father did????

Jedidiah
06-07-2015, 11:38 AM
A challenge only to atheists.

mossrose
06-07-2015, 12:16 PM
A Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civil official who apologized profusely, saying, "Not sure how this happened. I must have taken Leif off my census."

Littlejoe
06-08-2015, 11:09 AM
If a cow laughs.....does milk come out it's nose?

Zymologist
06-11-2015, 06:14 PM
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Luke warm.

rogue06
06-12-2015, 03:13 PM
7009


7010
He's baaaaaack


7257

Bill the Cat
06-12-2015, 03:39 PM
What do you call a massage therapist that hates women?

A Massage-onyst

Bill the Cat
06-12-2015, 03:41 PM
What will Sparko say when he turns 80 years old?

Eye-matey!

Truthseeker
06-12-2015, 04:06 PM
Why did Count Dracula go to a baseball game?

He'd overheard something about broken bats there. As president of the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Bats (SFPCB), he went to investigate the game.

Cerebrum123
06-13-2015, 07:01 AM
This should be called the "Bad Jokes Thread" at this point. :sigh:

rogue06
06-15-2015, 09:14 AM
I have the heart of a lion -- and a lifetime ban from Zoo Atlanta

rogue06
06-15-2015, 09:15 AM
What happened to the cow who jumped over the barbwire fence?


















Utter destruction

rogue06
06-15-2015, 09:17 AM
Why did Star War episodes 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?


















Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

rogue06
06-16-2015, 08:30 AM
What did one orphan say to the other orphan?











"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

rogue06
06-24-2015, 09:42 AM
Enbiggen by clicking on the image and
then click on the resulting image
7523

rogue06
06-29-2015, 08:29 AM
A Russian man goes in for an eye examination and is shown the letters on a board: CZWXNSTAZKY.

"Can you read that?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Russian replies. "I even know who it is. He married my cousin."

rogue06
06-29-2015, 08:29 AM
7653

KingsGambit
06-29-2015, 08:46 AM
Did you know 15 + 5 is the same as 15 + 7?

One is twenty and the other is twenty two.

moreta
07-13-2015, 08:33 PM
Why couldn't the animals play cards on the Ark?






Because Noah sat on the deck!

And yet another zombie thread....
:outtie:

rogue06
07-14-2015, 05:12 AM
Not long after the Ark had landed on Mt Ararat one of Noah's daughter-in-laws noticed him sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, Noah would chew on a particularly hirsute hide, smile and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."

Chrawnus
07-14-2015, 01:28 PM
Not long after the Ark had landed on Mt Ararat one of Noah's daughter-in-laws noticed him sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, Noah would chew on a particularly hirsute hide, smile and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."

*groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaan* :doh:

rogue06
07-14-2015, 03:01 PM
*groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaan* :doh:
:teeth:

The best reaction that one can hope for when it comes to a pun

rogue06
07-21-2015, 02:59 PM
How do you organize a space party?



























You planet

Cerebrum123
07-21-2015, 03:03 PM
How do you organize a space party?



























You planet

http://images.akamai.steamusercontent.com/ugc/524904249274121803/4C3CF0C00C76A83B94F84DEF48141E73EEE8AB3C/

Faber
07-21-2015, 04:01 PM
There are three problems with growing old.

There's loss of memory..... .... I forget the other two.

(2) You tend to repeat yourself.
(3) You tend to repeat yourself.

Jedidiah
08-12-2015, 11:33 AM
A blonde just texted me asking, "What does 'IDK' stand for.

I texted back saying, "I don't know."

She answered "OMG nobody does."

Truthseeker
08-12-2015, 02:57 PM
OMGNK = OMG, nobody knows. Not funny, but maybe I will be the first to coin that.

tabibito
08-12-2015, 03:11 PM
A blonde just texted me asking, "What does 'IDK' stand for.

I texted back saying, "I don't know."

She answered "OMG nobody does."

http://prod.scorptec.com.au/28/386/55484/87472_large.jpgReminds me of the time that a mate and I were watching TV when the old bloke wandered in and asked what "MYOB" stands for. Both of us replied "Mind Your Own Business". I had to chase the old bloke up and tell him that it is an acronym for Mind (as in "Take care of") Your Own Business.

rogue06
08-12-2015, 08:37 PM
I think I want a job polishing mirrors.

It's just something that I could see myself doing.

rogue06
08-12-2015, 08:38 PM
If you ever get cold try standing in a corner.


They're usually 90 degrees