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View Full Version : Poll: 2005 Platinum Screwball Nominations, Confused Christian Category


jpholding
January 2nd 2006, 01:23 PM
This one was quick to do since there are not that many.

JohnBill's Opthamological Demonology

Are you aware of patterns of lines or spots that float in your field of vision? ...In time, you will realize and understand that these floating impressions are actually, physically and truthfully spirit entities that are with you. You will discover that many spirit entities continually attempt to contact you and to physically connect to various places on your body.



Stuart Dinenno: Church is Evil!

The Children's Church - The practice of separating children from their parents and whisking them off to a dumbed-down version of the congregational meeting (which is really little more than a day care center), is also an anti-scriptural abomination.

The Choir - If we were living in the biblical nation of Israel before the resurrection of Christ, and if we were worshipping in the Temple at Jerusalem, and if the choir were composed of the descendants of Levi, then having a choir would be biblical. But we live in modern America, the Temple was destroyed many centuries ago, and the local choir does not consist of Levites. Singing, under the New Testament, is to be performed for the church by the church; not for the church by a select group on a stage wearing robes.

MichaelCadry's Fundy Astronomy

In the latter years it is written, "And Michael shall stand up for the children of your (Daniel's ancestors and Israel's children and children's children and further), people and there SHALL BE a time of TROUBLE SUCH AS NEVER was even to a nation at that same time, and at THAT TIME shall thy people be delivered, everyone who is found written in the BOOK. And many of the dead shall awake, some to everlasting life and some to SHAME and CONTEMPT. And they that be WISE shall SHINE like the Brightness of heaven (the firmament) and they that turn many to righteousness SHALL BE AS THE STARS forever and ever." When our spiritual energy inside our earthly body leaves our dead body behind, we go to heaven, for those who are so blessed, and we inhabit the stars with our energy and we can move at the speed of light, but not with wings. Just by God's saying so. And we are a ball of energy among many balls of energy that inhabit each star. And this is heaven, where there are many mansions, and I (Jesus) go to prepare a place for you (Venus). I (Jesus) am the bright and morning star (Venus) and even as I received it from my Father, so I give it to those who honour me.

You Preterists have SO MUCH TO LEARN!! YOU are so FAR from the Lord that you are just Satan's Parasites, confused by him so much that you are ready to die for your false beliefs and you are not one iota of being closer to God than anybody in the earth.

GreatWhiteHype2 on a Farrell Till Mission

It sure is easy for you and I to sit here and discuss these things on a computer, but I'd love to see your logic out in the mission field. I can see it now.

Darth Executor enters an African village. "HEY!" he screams. "Accept Christ, or face the consequences, pagans! Either give your life to Christ or die, cause I'm here to collect the shrunken heads of God's enemies for the sake of the kingdom!"

(Executor takes a spear through the heart.)

(Villagers mumbling amongst themselves)

Villager 1: What was he trying to say?

Villager 2: I don't know, but he wanted to kill us if we didn't accept his God.

Villager 3: Where did he get that crazy idea to talk to us like that?

Villager 4: I looked through his bookbag, and there's all these papers in here by someone named "James Patrick Holding." Wow, he must have really drank this guy's stuff in! Looks like here he's got the Holding Study Bible, whatever that is. Bah! We've got better stuff to do.

LilPunkishOfTerror
January 2nd 2006, 01:54 PM
GreatWhiteHype2 gets my vote. Edit: gave myself a screwball award :lol:

norwegen
January 2nd 2006, 01:59 PM
This is truly entertaining reading. We need more than four per month.

Xavier
January 2nd 2006, 02:07 PM
I'm going to have to go with Mike, but that's a tough choice.

jpholding
January 2nd 2006, 03:11 PM
This is truly entertaining reading. We need more than four per month.

There are way more than that -- this is just a special feature of the best four. Go to http://www.tektoonics.com/parody.html and hit Screwball of the Month for the feature over the past year.

JB
January 2nd 2006, 08:32 PM
I feel compelled to cast my vote for JohnBill's Opthamological Demonology. It, even more than the other three, seems to cry out to me as amusing in a strange sort of way. But perhaps that's just because I see those aggravating little spots almost 24/7.

Cynic Sage
January 3rd 2006, 05:22 PM
I would say Michael Cadry, but not for that quote. The one where he says that God lives in the moon.

http://www.theologyweb.com/campus/showthread.php?p=1315488&highlight=Michael+Cadry#post1315488

And what about John D. Brey's "The Ark of the covenant is the Holy Scrotum of God", eh?

Darth Executor
January 3rd 2006, 05:23 PM
And what about John D. Brey's "The Ark of the covenant is the Holy Scrotum of God", eh?

I still remember that one. It was classic. :lmbo:

Crow
December 30th 2006, 08:45 AM
I'd have had to go with Mike, but gosh, #1 is such a good one too.:lol:

Y'all need a hall of shame where to save all of the good stuff.

Jnthn
December 30th 2006, 08:56 AM
Michael Cadry all the way. The man's a cult leader in the making.

(In the interests of full disclosure, I have a degree of sympathy for Dinenno's first point. I'm not entirely comfortable with farming off parts of the church into demographics-based groups - men, women, children, pensioners etc.. From experience, it doesn't seem to make for a cohesive local church.

Something I'll need to work out for myself!)

J

SteveF
December 30th 2006, 09:18 AM
I can't claim great familiarity with Michael Cadry, but I think we should entertain the very real possibility that he is genuinely mentally ill. In which case, this nomination might be a little harsh.

Anyway, I'm surprised not to see BibleWheel, given how much our resident Christians seem to dislike his arithmetic.

jpholding
December 30th 2006, 09:26 AM
Yeah, but guys, this is the 2005 thread...I ain't picked nominees for 2006.

Sir-Think-A-Lot
December 31st 2006, 06:54 PM
Biblewheel didnt make it on here?

jpholding
December 31st 2006, 07:51 PM
Biblewheel didnt make it on here?

Biblewheel was not here in 2005. He'll be on for 2006, I have little doubt once I read through the old (2006) records.

Sir-Think-A-Lot
December 31st 2006, 07:54 PM
Biblewheel was not here in 2005. He'll be on for 2006, I have little doubt once I read through the old (2006) records.

I know, my comment was only after having read the nominiees(not the rest of the topic)

Kelp
January 1st 2007, 12:39 AM
I went for JohnBill. I think that kind of nutty demonology causes problems.


I have to say, I'm not a big fan of picking on Michael. I get the sense that the man is simply not in control of his faculties.

As for Dinneno, what's with the title, JP? He's not saying Church is evil, he's saying we do it wrong.

jpholding
January 1st 2007, 09:10 AM
I went for JohnBill. I think that kind of nutty demonology causes problems.


I hope that doesn't mean you just voted for him. This is last year's poll.


As for Dinneno, what's with the title, JP? He's not saying Church is evil, he's saying we do it wrong.

I only have so much room to make a title.....

Kelp
January 1st 2007, 07:33 PM
I hope that doesn't mean you just voted for him. This is last year's poll.
What?....



Oh Beaver Biscuits!



I just saw the 2006 and assumed it was a current thread. I was wondering why we were oting on such old entries. Heh....

Doubting John
January 2nd 2007, 04:38 PM
This one was quick to do since there are not that many.

What? That itself deserves a nomination! :lmbo:

Especially coming from someone like you who repeatedly touted the words "hypostatic union" to a philosophical argument against the possibilty of Jesus being incarnate. That has got to be the absolute stupidest reply I have ever heard to any philosophical argument anywhere. :lmbo:

Oh, I'm so sorry, that comment of yours was last years news. :rasberry:

However, the one above is this years news. :tongue:

This provided me with my smile for the day, JP. I come here just to get a smile. Like this: :teeth:

You ought to write a humor book, and I'm serious, my friend. :wink:

jpholding
January 2nd 2007, 05:12 PM
Especially coming from someone like you who repeatedly touted the words "hypostatic union" to a philosophical argument against the possibilty of Jesus being incarnate. That has got to be the absolute stupidest reply I have ever heard to any philosophical argument anywhere. :lmbo:

We can't help it if you're too dumb to know when you're beat. :whistle:


This provided me with my smile for the day, JP. I come here just to get a smile. Like this: :teeth:

Oh. I figured you came here like that to get those teeth knocked out by me, Nick, and the rest of the crew. :fight:

You ought to write a humor book, and I'm serious, my friend. :wink:

I do web comics. That's even better.

As for you, I understand Trafford suggested that you remove your face from the cover? :hehe: Because it was scaring the printing jockeys?