Anyone Here Codependent?

[spiritmech]

It seems I am. Anyone else?
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[God_is_personal]

Hi, spiritmech > I would say I am codependent.

To be prayerful > this helps. Be ready. Not be ready just to turn off the person as soon as she starts to get nasty or arguing or struggling. But also be fully ready to have a nice time, but at any moment sensitive enough so I can pull clear, right away, and NOT give in to arguing, struggling, trying to get my word in. But I have to be able to shut up even if it means listening to the person misrepresent me...holding me hostage in order to coerce an argument > THAT is psychological terrorism > I have to refuse to try to negotiate, but let go and leave it to God. But be ready to talk sense...NOT to hold on to grudging and withdrawing.

Jesus said we need to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him. I think this means, in my codependence, that I am the main problem. So, mainly I need to deny myself. I'm the one who can get nasty and unloving; this is MY fault...how I can be weak enough to give in to Satan's vile and stupid and nasty spirit.

And NOT to get into self-righteously criticizing the other...and we have >

"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:" (Hebrews 12:14)

"looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;" (Hebrews 12:15)

I'd say codependent reacting and stuff is instant bitterness about not getting what you want. So, we have to just say no to it.

[familyof6]

Hi! This thread is a little dated, so I don't know if you'll see it, but here it goes. I've had several relationships where I have been very co-dependent. Here are a few tidbits of information that I have learned from others, from Al-Non, and from experience:

There is a great book out there titled "Co-Dependent No More"...check it out.

Never do something for the DEPENDENT person that you wouldn't do for any other person in your life. For example, my ex was an alcoholic. If he asked for my car keys while he was intoxicated, or asked me to purchase liquor while he was already intoxicated, I would want to give in to avoid an arguement, or not be the 'bad guy', or whatever. But you have to ask yourself, 'would I do these things for my friend/brother/sister if they asked it? Of course not. So you don't do it for the dependent either. It's difficult to say no to someone you are in love with and that has a dependency.

You have to take care of yourself first. The dependent person is not going to take care of you, and you can't care for them if you are ailing; physically, mentally, or emotionally. You are no help to yourself or anyone else if you don't set some boundaries and put yourself FIRST. You have to love yourself before you can effectively love anyone else.

You can not change other people. I learned this the hard way. In Al-Non they used to tell this short story: A man found a poisonous snake in the woods. The snake was suffering and about to die, and was in need of help. The man said to the snake, 'I would like to help you, but you'd probably bite me.' The snake replied, 'I promise I will not, I really want to live.' The man thought, 'perhaps he is being truthful...why would he bite the person who would help him in a time of need?' So, the man picked up the snake and took him to his cottage and warmed him up and gave him water and brought the snake back from the brink of death. He picked up the snake to release him, and the snake bit the man in the neck. The man fell to the ground, sick and possibly dying from the bite. He said to the man, 'why would you do that? why would you bite me after I helped you?' The snake replied, "because it is my nature."

My experiences with being co-dependent include people with drug and/or alcohol problems, and perhaps your experiences are not this severe. But if you take anything with you, just remember to take care of yourself. There are lots of different people out there with this problem and there are many ways to change your co-dependent behavior. I hope you are successful!

[Rahab]

It seems I am. Anyone else?
sm Bonsoir Spiritmech,

What has led you to believe that you may be a codependent person?

If there are common traits of dysfunctional responses among codependent persons, they have different causes to codependency.

Some root from childhood while growing in a dysfunctional home. Where a child learns to anticipate what may come from a dysfunctional parent and establishes a pattern of pro active reactions to prevent conflicts, and often thrives to be a pacifyer or a rescuer or a pleaser.

Some root from a dysfunctional marriage to an abusive spouse. Where the victimized target of opportunities will establish a pattern of attempting to content and satisfy the exigences of the abuser.

Some root from a low self esteem where a person will seek relationships where they feel the need to "fix" the other person. By excellence, they are rescuers, often caught in dysfunctional relationships at every level. They tend to be givers and do not feel worthy of recieving. They are attracted to marginal individuals often considered outcasts.

All those folks share one trait in common : they cannot make decisions based on "that is the right thing to do". They are easily manipulated. Since all abusive personalities thrive on controling by manipulation, codependents are very vulnerable to such dysfunctional relationships.

There are a great number of codependents. You are not alone. Many do not come to the realization that they are codependent. The fear to lose the interest or alleged affection of the dysfunctional party often prevails.

Let me guide you to a Christian centered self help book so that you may identify the roots of your codependency and work your way out of it:

From The Life Support Series :

"Making Peace with Your Past" by Tim Sledge. (published by Lifeway Press).

You can use this guide as a self study alone or as part of a support group. You will find reassurance that other adults experience the same confusing and conflicting feelings as you do now. You will be able to identify the root cause of your codependency. You will also learn to validate yourself as a person worthy of experiencing healthy relationships. It will be a life changing experience. As a christian, you will find peace as you will learn to forgive the individuals who manipulated you into becoming codependent of them.

[Amazing Rando]

What exactly does it mean to be codependent?

[Darth Executor]

What exactly does it mean to be codependent?

I think you can get a pretty good idea of it by reading the other posts.

[God_is_personal]

Well, each of us is different; so how each one is codependent can be quite different, I would say.

One image I have gotten is it's like you and the other person are tangled together in a bunch of brambles, so that when one of you tugs to get your own way, you are yanking the briars against the other person, tearing him or her with the thorns. And then the other pulls back, tearing you with thorns.

What you expect, what you want and DEMAND of the other . . . these can be the entangling briars with thorns. And you can't take no for an answer > enough is not enough. So I need to cut loose those briars that have me attached to and tangled with and struggling with another person.

"be content with such things as you have", it says in Hebrews 13:5. This, for me, goes for my relationships > it helps me, to be satisfied with whatever I really have in each relationship, and being willing to forgive howsoever any person fails me. And trust God to arrange for me to have whatever I really should have, with whomever this really turns out to be.

[themuzicman]

OK, I'm typing this for Muz, because he's not sure he can do it.

He is NOT co-dependent.

[Questor]

It seems I am. Anyone else?
sm

No way, I'm not codependant. Ummm, why do you ask, have you heard something about me? I mean, I can be codependant if you want me to be..if its OK with you that is.

[Pilgrim]

It seems I am. Anyone else?
sm
I don't know. You tell me.