So this guy from work keeps tying to ogle me while I’m naked

[norwegen]

He’s in Procurement and I’m in Technical Publications, but we managed to meet and become friendly, and he convinced to visit a YMCA. I was becoming discontent with my sedentary lifestyle, anyway.

“Okay,” I said. I agreed to meet him at the Y before work, a schedule he had already been keeping.

Well, he wants to make darn sure I show up. He left nine messages on my phone the first morning of my regiment (a few of them the night before). Now he’s constantly calling me and leaving messages, not only to ask if I’ll be working out, but to tell me he’s picking up a pie from a local pizzeria or buying grass from Wal-Mart or doing some mundane chore that even his wife probably doesn’t care about.

But here is what really bothers me. He joined the Y a year ago, and had worked up to a routine that took well over an hour to complete. I, being new, am starting out slow – a 40-minute workout. Now, wouldn’t you know it? He ends his routine early – when I end mine. He walks into the shower with me and turns on my shower, then undresses in the locker room with me, miraculously removing his last bit of clothing when I remove mine and then walking to the shower with me (the water now running at an “optimal temperature”).

Then when I shut my water off, he shuts his off. When I towel off and walk into the locker area to dress, he towels off and walks into the locker area to dress.

I have become very conscious of his following me around, and now make a point of turning my back to him when I dress and undress. It doesn’t always help, though. Sometimes, he’ll walk around (naked) - maybe to check his nose hairs in a mirror or something – and I’ll notice him then catching a glimpse of me in all my glory.

I have encountered homosexual advances before, and this is reminiscent of it. This time, though, I’m not sure how to handle it; I know this guy personally (from work), and so don’t want any animosity or discomfort between us. How would any of you deal with this guy? Or am I just paranoid?

If you’re homosexual, please offer some input. I would like to be this guy’s friend, but would I be out of line if I just blurt out to him some day that I’m strictly hetero?

Please keep theological arguments to a minimum. For the most part, I’m just simply curious about how some of you would react to this.

Thanks.

[Darth Executor]

I don't have anything useful to say, I'm just posting to let you know that I'm laughing at you.

[TheAnalogman]

Well, he wants to make darn sure I show up. He left nine messages on my phone the first morning of my regiment (a few of them the night before). Now he’s constantly calling me and leaving messages, not only to ask if I’ll be working out, but to tell me he’s picking up a pie from a local pizzeria or buying grass from Wal-Mart or doing some mundane chore that even his wife probably doesn’t care about.


I have encountered homosexual advances before, and this is reminiscent of it. This time, though, I’m not sure how to handle it; I know this guy personally (from work), and so don’t want any animosity or discomfort between us. How would any of you deal with this guy? Or am I just paranoid?


Thanks.

How would I handle this?
This guy is weirder than weird. And you want to be friends with him? How could there not be any discomfort? It's already there or you wouldn't have posted this.
Get a new friend. I would keep my distance.........forever.

[norwegen]

I don't have anything useful to say, I'm just posting to let you know that I'm laughing at you.You saw me naked?

[Minnesota]

He’s in Procurement and I’m in Technical Publications, but we managed to meet and become friendly, and he convinced to visit a YMCA. I was becoming discontent with my sedentary lifestyle, anyway.

“Okay,” I said. I agreed to meet him at the Y before work, a schedule he had already been keeping.

Well, he wants to make darn sure I show up. He left nine messages on my phone the first morning of my regiment (a few of them the night before). Now he’s constantly calling me and leaving messages, not only to ask if I’ll be working out, but to tell me he’s picking up a pie from a local pizzeria or buying grass from Wal-Mart or doing some mundane chore that even his wife probably doesn’t care about.

But here is what really bothers me. He joined the Y a year ago, and had worked up to a routine that took well over an hour to complete. I, being new, am starting out slow – a 40-minute workout. Now, wouldn’t you know it? He ends his routine early – when I end mine. He walks into the shower with me and turns on my shower, then undresses in the locker room with me, miraculously removing his last bit of clothing when I remove mine and then walking to the shower with me (the water now running at an “optimal temperature”).

Then when I shut my water off, he shuts his off. When I towel off and walk into the locker area to dress, he towels off and walks into the locker area to dress.

I have become very conscious of his following me around, and now make a point of turning my back to him when I dress and undress. It doesn’t always help, though. Sometimes, he’ll walk around (naked) - maybe to check his nose hairs in a mirror or something – and I’ll notice him then catching a glimpse of me in all my glory.

I have encountered homosexual advances before, and this is reminiscent of it. This time, though, I’m not sure how to handle it; I know this guy personally (from work), and so don’t want any animosity or discomfort between us. How would any of you deal with this guy? Or am I just paranoid?

If you’re homosexual, please offer some input. I would like to be this guy’s friend, but would I be out of line if I just blurt out to him some day that I’m strictly hetero?

Please keep theological arguments to a minimum. For the most part, I’m just simply curious about how some of you would react to this.

Thanks.
I'm not a homosexual, but. . . .
There's a reason it's reminiscent of the homosexual advances you encountered before. :uhoh: Unless you're a glutton for punishment, you tell the guy you're not interested. Period! But there's no need to "blurt" it out. And if he persists then you terminate the friendship. Friends don't disregard the wishes of friends.

[norwegen]

How would I handle this?
This guy is weirder than weird. And you want to be friends with him? How could there not be any discomfort? It's already there or you wouldn't have posted this.
Get a new friend. I would keep my distance.........forever.
I'm leaning that way, to be honest.

By discomfort, I meant discomfort on the job. If I'm imagining some of his behavior (because I'm hetero), and accuse him of propositioning me or some such thing, and it turns out he is just weird, then what?

I can't keep my distance from him; we work together. Work might be a little uncomfortable.

[Darth Executor]

Why not just ask?

[lao tzu]

Yeah, that's a tough one, n,

It's the closet types who give the rest of them a bad name. If he's not going to be open about the situation, you're going to have to tackle the issue yourself. Straight out (forgive the pun) works best. Tell him you don't want him ogling your bootie when you're naked because it gives you the creeps. Leave it to him how he wants to respond.

As ever, Jesse

[Gabby]

Didn't you say he was married?

[TheAnalogman]

I'm leaning that way, to be honest.

By discomfort, I meant discomfort on the job. If I'm imagining some of his behavior (because I'm hetero), and accuse him of propositioning me or some such thing, and it turns out he is just weird, then what?

I can't keep my distance from him; we work together. Work might be a little uncomfortable.

It has always been my policy (as a general rule) not to hang out with people from work. I've gone to group lunches, a few parties and such but that's about it. You'll just have to be busy when he asks you to do something. I think the fact that he was kinda pushy to start with (he convinced you to go to the Gym) was the yellow alert. Now, you've experience the red alert and have to make a decision. I'd be friendly but cool at work, and be busy with prior plans when he suggests an activity.
I wouldn't bring up the gay thing at all.

[Sparko]

tell him you don't have time for the Y any more. Then talk about some girls so he gets the idea you are interested in them. (or are you married? let him know how much you love your wife...)

If he doesnt take that hint. just tell him to stop oggling you, you are not interested.

[Storico]

A really simple "I appreciate your offer to hang out at the gym, but I prefer to shower by myself, thanks!" should do it. :shrug: Most people aren't so unreasonable that they'd refuse to honour your comfort level.

[Telleriab2]

Don't shower at the gym.

More disgusting, but at least you are out of that awkward situation.

[Gabby]

Don't shower at the gym.

More disgusting, but at least you are out of that awkward situation.

I would try that once. Take a light day at the gym and then skip the shower and see how he reacts.

[anthrogirl]

Since you work with the guy, it might serve you best to take the quiet way out. In other words, don't make a big deal out of it. The dude obviously has some conflict in his life (i.e. being married to a woman, but wanting to play with other men).

Pick another gym. Get a personal trainer for a couple of sessions (perhaps a woman? lol). If he asks you why you won't work out with him anymore, just tell him you joined another club and got a personal trainer. He'll get the idea--and you will be able to avoid a very uncomfortable confrontation. You are likely not the first person he has tried to engage--and since he's married, he'll probably not push it too far.

What an uncomfortable situation! OY!

good luck, hot stuff!

ag

[norwegen]

Didn't you say he was married?Yes. He has a picture of his family on his desk. His wife is very pretty.


Over the course of the afternoon, I began to wonder if the guy might even be stalking me now. He very often finds his way to the restroom while I'm in there (honestly, I'm telling you, he stands at the urinal next to me more often than any three other guys put together). And over the last couple days, he's been sending an unusual number of emails to me; one of the last ones to me today said, "NEW RULES, YOU HAVE TO COME BY AND SEE ME BEFORE U LEAVE EACH DAY...............LOL."

I have to work in Fort Lauderdale again next week, and was hoping to use that time away as leverage for avoiding him, but now I don't know if I can wait that long.

Thank you all for your suggestions, but I think I'll seek some counsel in person, maybe some pastoral counsel.


Pick another gym.That's what I was thinking of. Finding a Y closer to home (the one I visit now is closer to work).

[Gabby]

Yes. He has a picture of his family on his desk. His wife is very pretty.


Over the course of the afternoon, I began to wonder if the guy might even be stalking me now. He very often finds his way to the restroom while I'm in there (honestly, I'm telling you, he stands at the urinal next to me more often than any three other guys put together). And over the last couple days, he's been sending an unusual number of emails to me; one of the last ones to me today said, "NEW RULES, YOU HAVE TO COME BY AND SEE ME BEFORE U LEAVE EACH DAY...............LOL."

I have to work in Fort Lauderdale again next week, and was hoping to use that time away as leverage for avoiding him, but now I don't know if I can wait that long.

Thank you all for your suggestions, but I think I'll seek some counsel in person, maybe some pastoral counsel.

That's what I was thinking of. Finding a Y closer to home (the one I visit now is closer to work).

If he is really that off, I would talk to an HR person. Seriously.

My husband has had to deal with a guy who was off, not quite the same but close, and they found out that he was suppose to be on some meds for psychological reasons but he had decided to try homeopathy instead. It really turned him bonkers. Such so that he was calling meeting with ladies he worked with at home, bringing dolls to work to give to one "special" lady and such.

Anyways, no matter what's causing him to be that way he needs to have some intervention and the HR guys are trained to do that.

chris

[anthrogirl]

Over the course of the afternoon, I began to wonder if the guy might even be stalking me now. He very often finds his way to the restroom while I'm in there (honestly, I'm telling you, he stands at the urinal next to me more often than any three other guys put together). And over the last couple days, he's been sending an unusual number of emails to me; one of the last ones to me today said, "NEW RULES, YOU HAVE TO COME BY AND SEE ME BEFORE U LEAVE EACH DAY...............LOL."

Nor,

You are not imagining things--he's definitely flirting with you. And it sounds like he's being rather pushy about it. Gender aside, it's not cool. You may need to actually confront the problem after all. Still, keep it as quiet as you can--simply for the fact that you probably don't want to stir up any uneccessary drama in the workplace.
'
And yes, before you confront him, run it by your pastor first--he or she would probably be a more valuable resource to you than any of us, simply because your pastor knows you and your communication style.


I have to work in Fort Lauderdale again next week, and was hoping to use that time away as leverage for avoiding him, but now I don't know if I can wait that long.

If you are feeling threatened or disrupted enough to be eager to get out of town to avoid him, then you may want to consider making that appointment with your pastor toute de suite!


That's what I was thinking of. Finding a Y closer to home (the one I visit now is closer to work).

Absolutely! Whatever you do, don't join him at the gym anymore--or he'll probably think you're into it.

You know, bottom line, it's really not an issue of "gayness". It's about unwanted flirtatious, sexual advances in the workplace. Doesn't matter what gender the aggressor is. He's put you in a really awkward situation as a way to leverage his power. The fact that it may be an embarrassing situation for you only works to his advantage--because the more embarrassed you are, the less likely you will be to report it to management, and the more likely you are to accept blame for the situation.

My bet is that you'll be able to resolve the problem without "outing" him publically. If you and your pastor put your heads together, you will find a gracious, courteous, and very effective way of dealing with him.

good luck!
let us know how it works out!
ag

[anthrogirl]

p.s. If you make an effort to quell his advances on your own (and be sure to document it when it happens), and that doesn't work, then you will have a much more comprehensive and responsible case to present to HR. HR tends to smile upon those who first take initiative to solve their own problems. If your attempt to deal with him politely on your own doesn't solve things--or worse, if it escalates the problem, then you can be sure that HR will handle your situation much more favorably.

fwiw,
ag

[Gabby]

Go to the HR person! That is what they are there for. If your not careful you can end up having legal issues.

[anthrogirl]

Gabby,

While I appreciate your tenacity, he doesn't really have a useful case until he has told the man to back off. He could certainly go to HR now if he wants to--but it would probably be much more effective if he at least set a precedent that the flirtation and sexual advances are problematic. In other words, things will be much more clear to HR if he tells the guy (and documents it) to cease and desist.

Most importantly, if he were to go to HR, he ought to take documentation of the incidents to present to them. Documentation makes a whole world of difference in the HR game (I'm speaking both as an HR person, and as someone who has been through it more than once)!

best,
ag

[Gabby]

Gabby,

While I appreciate your tenacity, he doesn't really have a useful case until he has told the man to back off. He could certainly go to HR now if he wants to--but it would probably be much more effective if he at least set a precedent that the flirtation and sexual advances are problematic. In other words, things will be much more clear to HR if he tells the guy (and documents it) to cease and desist.

Most importantly, if he were to go to HR, he ought to take documentation of the incidents to present to them. Documentation makes a whole world of difference in the HR game (I'm speaking both as an HR person, and as someone who has been through it more than once)!

best,
ag

He definately should document what's been happening, but if it's found out that he's been talking about this guy he could have a real problem. The HR person will definately tell him to document and that's the way to go. But if he holds off and the guys starts to get more agressive and he's been humming and hawing and going other places (not to say that a pastor is the wrong place) he may find himself backed into a corner and liable for defamation. Human Resources are the people who are trained to deal with things like this. They specifically want to work things out in the most tactful and discreat way. If things happen to get out into the open by accident then everyone will be sorry.

Hopefully he hasn't been at work while writing this thread.

[norwegen]

Hopefully he hasn't been at work while writing this thread.I was at work. I also asked a couple coworkers what their impressions of this person were. I didn't want to feel like I couldn't do anything at that moment, right then and there.

Yes, I'm stupid.

[Telleriab2]

Nor, you say that he has been hitting on you with e-mails?

If so, keep hard copies of every advance that he has made to you via email. Those can be used to defend yourself if anything comes up.

[SpinyNorman]

Towel off next time with your shiny new Swastika towel.

[Rubia Warren]

Whenever I am at the Y, I never get naked in front of the other women in the locker room. I take my clothes with me to the shower, hang them over the top where they won't get wet, dry off and get dressed before I leave the shower stall.

I dunno why. I'm not fearful of lesbians being at the Y. I think it's mostly because I don't like to be naked in front of people in general,especially when they have their kids there running around, too. :nsm:

Maybe you could just get dressed inside the shower, norwegen, and just try to avoid the guy. After a while he will prolly lay off of you. Well I guess if you avoid the guy you won't be going to the Y with him so no dressing in the shower stall anyways.

Tell him you've rethought the whole exercise thing and you're now trying the Supersize Me diet.

[Rubia Warren]

oh sorry I didn't realize there was a second page to this thread.:blush: Overlook my comments in this case.

[norwegen]

Nor, you say that he has been hitting on you with e-mails?

If so, keep hard copies of every advance that he has made to you via email. Those can be used to defend yourself if anything comes up.I'm saving all his emails to me in a separate folder, just in case.

I wound up telling my immediate supervisor just to cover my butt, so to speak, and then began to start working again like nothing happened. I keep wishing I could find a way to make those other two people forget that I told them. I'll just have to see how it goes at work.

As for the Y, I quit going. I called another one today for membership information, and plan to resume my exercise regimen there when I return from Lauderdale. I really do want to get into a habit of staying fit.

Back at work - if this guy finds out that I was asking about him and all hell breaks loose, well then that would be an issue between me and some elders at church. Thanks at this point for any input you've all offered.

[Telleriab2]

You're welcome.