Dealing with pain and disability

[Storico]

I stuck this in here because it's more about actually dealing mentally and emotionally with pain and disability rather than being about pain or disability themselves. I look at my family these days, and it strikes me as odd that I can cope with just about everything, but seeing them in pain makes me flinch and it makes my heart ache. My grandmother hasn't had one good day in years. Pain in her legs. In her hip. Her stomach. Very little sleep. She says she can't remember the last time she slept well. Having a hip replacement surgery hasn't taken away the pain so far. My mother has constant pain in her knee (a cyst and bad arthritis), her knuckles and ankles, her back -- damn near everywhere. She hasn't had a pain-free day in a few years, either. The last few weeks, she's barely slept. When she walks across the kitchen she takes 3 or 4 minutes just to cross it. Going up stairs is agony. I have to walk behind her because I'm scared she'll fall.

My family doesn't know how to deal with all of this, mentally or emotionally. Myself included. My grandmother and mother, the two women I love most in the world, don't have hope any more. They've given that up. I guess when you wake up every morning like that, it's easy. Prayer doesn't work -- not to take the pain away, anyhow. They're stuck with it, and that's a fact. Medicines aren't working. My grandma doesn't respond to them and my mother can't take many of them due to high blood pressure and diabetes. Everyone's got frayed nerves, we've started to lose our senses of humour, my grandma doesn't think God's available to help at all, and my mom's decided that either God's ignoring her and doesn't care, or maybe God just doesn't fix these things... or, maybe, He's not really there either. Can't say I blame them. This isn't an "I'm hurting and God's not helping so I'll get mad at Him". This is two intelligent women suffering badly from pain, being unable to deal with it mentally or emotionally, and they're both coming to the conclusion that they need rescue and there's nobody there to save them. I have to admit, from their angle, God looks very silent indeed.

I'm not going to sit there and pontificate at them, and tell them "I'm praying for you" when it isn't helping and it's only frustrating to the lot of us. They both ask ME what I think they should do, they ask ME how they can get through the day, and they ask ME why I think they have the pain -- is God mad at them? Are the doctors all stupid? Will the pain ever go away? I don't know ANY of the answers, but they ask.

The stress is taking a toll on all of us. I've been short and snappy lately, tired all the time, and this is making my depression issues worse. My mom and grandma have bigger problems -- they've both been in so much pain with so many sleepless nights that for them, this isn't something they just chalk up to stress.... this is reality for them. Constantly in pain, both of them, no relief, and asking me why.

I don't think psychologists have even BEGUN to examine the MENTAL anguish pain and disability bring to people and their families. Or the emotional anguish. Counselling's usually the standard option for anyone who's stressed out -- except, of course, you have to be able to physically get TO counselling, and you have to not have relatives who need you nearby. Counts my family and I all out, really.

I'm not sure why I posted this here, but sometimes we need to go on a rant, and I suppose I needed to. That's good enough, I guess.

[Rahab]

I stuck this in here because it's more about actually dealing mentally and emotionally with pain and disability rather than being about pain or disability themselves. I look at my family these days, and it strikes me as odd that I can cope with just about everything, but seeing them in pain makes me flinch and it makes my heart ache. My grandmother hasn't had one good day in years. Pain in her legs. In her hip. Her stomach. Very little sleep. She says she can't remember the last time she slept well. Having a hip replacement surgery hasn't taken away the pain so far. My mother has constant pain in her knee (a cyst and bad arthritis), her knuckles and ankles, her back -- damn near everywhere. She hasn't had a pain-free day in a few years, either. The last few weeks, she's barely slept. When she walks across the kitchen she takes 3 or 4 minutes just to cross it. Going up stairs is agony. I have to walk behind her because I'm scared she'll fall.

My family doesn't know how to deal with all of this, mentally or emotionally. Myself included. My grandmother and mother, the two women I love most in the world, don't have hope any more. They've given that up. I guess when you wake up every morning like that, it's easy. Prayer doesn't work -- not to take the pain away, anyhow. They're stuck with it, and that's a fact. Medicines aren't working. My grandma doesn't respond to them and my mother can't take many of them due to high blood pressure and diabetes. Everyone's got frayed nerves, we've started to lose our senses of humour, my grandma doesn't think God's available to help at all, and my mom's decided that either God's ignoring her and doesn't care, or maybe God just doesn't fix these things... or, maybe, He's not really there either. Can't say I blame them. This isn't an "I'm hurting and God's not helping so I'll get mad at Him". This is two intelligent women suffering badly from pain, being unable to deal with it mentally or emotionally, and they're both coming to the conclusion that they need rescue and there's nobody there to save them. I have to admit, from their angle, God looks very silent indeed.

I'm not going to sit there and pontificate at them, and tell them "I'm praying for you" when it isn't helping and it's only frustrating to the lot of us. They both ask ME what I think they should do, they ask ME how they can get through the day, and they ask ME why I think they have the pain -- is God mad at them? Are the doctors all stupid? Will the pain ever go away? I don't know ANY of the answers, but they ask.

The stress is taking a toll on all of us. I've been short and snappy lately, tired all the time, and this is making my depression issues worse. My mom and grandma have bigger problems -- they've both been in so much pain with so many sleepless nights that for them, this isn't something they just chalk up to stress.... this is reality for them. Constantly in pain, both of them, no relief, and asking me why.

I don't think psychologists have even BEGUN to examine the MENTAL anguish pain and disability bring to people and their families. Or the emotional anguish. Counselling's usually the standard option for anyone who's stressed out -- except, of course, you have to be able to physically get TO counselling, and you have to not have relatives who need you nearby. Counts my family and I all out, really.

I'm not sure why I posted this here, but sometimes we need to go on a rant, and I suppose I needed to. That's good enough, I guess.

(((((Storico and family))))))

I have seen similar depression inducing consequences in any family where a loved one experiences unresolved pain and the caretakers or close relatives feel so helpless. Basicaly if that is any comfort to you, you guys are not alone.

Because you are the one member of this family physicaly spared from disabling and painful conditions, the news is that it is up to you to provide encouragement and support.

Encouragement by suggesting daily simple stretching exercises for mom and range of motions exercises. By that I mean, you can do a bit of physical therapy with her. It will give you a sense of participation and productivity. Support by relieving her from tasks and chores which aggravate her discomfort (which I am sure you already do). While at the same time encouraging her to be as independent as possible.

The main emotional downer of disabled folks is their dependency on other people. You have to somehow back off from helping them for certain tasks while intervening for others.

How does God come in play? Well... this is where you need to experience serenity, Storico. He can provide you with the grace to accept what you cannot change while giving you the strength to undertake what you can change.

You cannot change the health conditions affecting both grand ma and mom. Some are part of aging others part of our bodies being vulnerable to nature itself.

You can change how you respond to their physical struggles. Do you see what I mean? I know it seems that I am putting it all on you. But you are the one still being molded by the potter. You are that precious clay, Storico.

[Storico]

Thanks, Rahab. :hug:

Besides me, my grandfather's also here. He's 82, and in reasonably good condition for being that age. He's the one with my grandmother most of the time, and I'm the one with my mother. He doesn't know what to make of all of this, either. I know it stresses him out. Pretty badly, some days. So he's someone else to try and reach out to.... and he reaches out to us by doing stuff for us around the yard, or what have you. It's his way of acknowledging that my mother (his daughter) needs help. He's been through the wringer emotionally and mentally, too.

What you said about just accepting what I can do and finding strength to deal with what I can't is true enough. That's all we can ever do. And the mobility exercises might be a bit of help. My mother's a nurse, so she knows many of them already and I'm sure she uses them with many of the residents she works with. I just need to encourage her to do some of them herself, with me.

It's odd, looking at family members in positions like this. Both grandparents are older, and I just have to accept that. My mom's health, for her age, is poor. Most of it isn't age-related, though... it's complication-related.

I guess dealing with things comes with one day at a time, and just trying to find the humour and the lesson in ordinary things... because really, no life is all that ordinary anyways. Not when we have it for only so long.

Thanks again.

[Rahab]

Thanks, Rahab. :hug:

Besides me, my grandfather's also here. He's 82, and in reasonably good condition for being that age. He's the one with my grandmother most of the time, and I'm the one with my mother. He doesn't know what to make of all of this, either. I know it stresses him out. Pretty badly, some days. So he's someone else to try and reach out to.... and he reaches out to us by doing stuff for us around the yard, or what have you. It's his way of acknowledging that my mother (his daughter) needs help. He's been through the wringer emotionally and mentally, too.

What you said about just accepting what I can do and finding strength to deal with what I can't is true enough. That's all we can ever do. And the mobility exercises might be a bit of help. My mother's a nurse, so she knows many of them already and I'm sure she uses them with many of the residents she works with. I just need to encourage her to do some of them herself, with me. Oh yes... being a nurse she might have some difficulties focusing on her own recovery and therapy. We seem to get so used to taking care of other folks that we tend to dismiss our own physical care such as not sparing our backs or legs. Many nurses end up with physical problems not caused by aging but the demands of the profession itself. So you may have to motivate her to take care of herself.


It's odd, looking at family members in positions like this. Both grandparents are older, and I just have to accept that. My mom's health, for her age, is poor. Most of it isn't age-related, though... it's complication-related. You know, just enjoy your grand parents as much as you can. Sometime for older folks our company and us listening to their wise and old stories gives them a "booster". Maybe you can think of simple activities to help grand ma get her mind off her discomfort : ask her to tell you about her recipes for example and write them in a book for her. Tell her that you want to saveguard them for your future children. I have noticed with my most disabled and pain ridden patients that sharing a mental activity with them distracts them from their discomfort. And you know as well as I do that old folks have wonderful thoughts to share with us.

Maybe you can suggest noting on paper her memories for her as you consider writing her biography. You are such a talented writer. Work on a photo album maybe with footnotes she can inspire?

Mom : because mom 's age is not the cause of her disability, it may be difficult for you emotionaly to "parent" her. As our parents become advanced seniors, we, their children, tend to become their protectors and care takers. In your case, you are dealing with a mom whose profession makes her by definition the ultimate care taker. So you have to go slow and easy with her as she is probably also dealing with a sense of inadequacy. Make sure you balance your interaction with her by also giving her opportunities to be useful in your life.


I guess dealing with things comes with one day at a time, and just trying to find the humour and the lesson in ordinary things... because really, no life is all that ordinary anyways. Not when we have it for only so long.

Thanks again. As Mother's Day is coming up, your above remark is profoundly applicable to such special celebration. Make it a day for both mom and grand ma where you can bring laughters and where they can see how special their lives are. Some of us look upon that day with a sense of loss because mom is gone home. Find your strength in cherishing yours. No matter what. Think about the good thoughts you nurture about mom, thoughts we sometime forget to communicate because we get so busy. Each day, make it a day to tell her in some gesture or words how special she is. We have so much time to do it all.

Once they have departed, we can only regret to have forgotten to communicate those good and lovely thoughts.

You will do fine, Storico. I promise you that God does not withold from us the grace to deal with the most difficult circumstances. It flows from Him to us. When strength tends to weaken, I visualize in my mind an encounter with Christ. We "take a walk" together and discuss my struggles. I find that the answers I recieve for my own struggles are the ones I will usualy provide to someone else.

[Storico]

Rahab, thank you. Just thank you. You're awesome. :glomp: