Signs of Acceptance

[spiritmech]

I need some new ideas. I was thinking about what I chase after, as far as acceptance, and I'm wondering if I have some screwed up ideas about what it means to be accepted. Here are some of the signs I have used in the past to make myself believe I'm accepted:

1. She said yes to a date. (this isn't anyone in particular, just an example... patterns over multiple relationships)
2. We had sex. (never seemed to last)
3. We got married (if there's anything I thought might be proof of being accepted, that was it)

There are just so many externals that I've used to look at so I could finally say, "See? I'm accepted! There's proof right there!" But things always seemed to fall apart later, for whatever reason. I don't know how to just *be* accepted. I don't know how to feel accepted.

So tell me, what signs have you used in the past? How do you define acceptance now?
sm

[Storico]

In my own relationship, I just offer acceptance and love. I let my sweetie know that we're a team, and that he's got my support.... and aside from that, I'm not sure I have too much to offer. I'm with my best friend. I guess it's never occurred to me that being with your best friend would maybe not mean you also being accepted, too.

I'm sorry you've had issues with this. I know the older you get, sometimes the unsteadier you feel in a relationship, and I'm sure you're trying your best to offer the same kind of love and acceptance you want.

[Rahab]

I need some new ideas. I was thinking about what I chase after, as far as acceptance, and I'm wondering if I have some screwed up ideas about what it means to be accepted. Here are some of the signs I have used in the past to make myself believe I'm accepted:

1. She said yes to a date. (this isn't anyone in particular, just an example... patterns over multiple relationships)
2. We had sex. (never seemed to last)
3. We got married (if there's anything I thought might be proof of being accepted, that was it)

((((Spiritmech)))).

I am looking at your choice of words and " what I chase after" kind of got my attention. It is possible that you have difficulties FEELING accepted rather than being accepted. In that case, your tendency will be to dismiss or ignore signs of acceptance in any of your relationships. The cause?. A basic and often subconscious sense of "I am not worthy". Not something you would dwell on consciously day in and day out.

There are just so many externals that I've used to look at so I could finally say, "See? I'm accepted! There's proof right there!" But things always seemed to fall apart later, for whatever reason. I don't know how to just *be* accepted. I don't know how to feel accepted.

Your need to be accepted is quite common. And the ultimate resolution to that common need is how you percieve yourself. IOW, the signs must be internal not external. How you feel about yourself may affect considerably which types of relationship you seek and your expectations.

Maybe it is time for you to introspect how much or little you accept yourself?

So tell me, what signs have you used in the past? How do you define acceptance now?
sm

My past has been such that I used to place unreasonable expectations in any relationship I had . To include seeking to be accepted! I would systematicaly feel rejected or threatened anytime any significant person in my life were to correct me or encourage me to modify my behavior,

At this point, I define acceptance as a continuous process of growth.It seems to be mostly dependent on how I interpret the way folks relate and communicate with me. I had to "train" myself to learn to see their motivations as being good ones. And to cut them some slack too...

I would say that a person who "accepts" me can only be someone who knows me very well. Someone who knows how my psyche works and more importantly why. Someone who seeks to understand rather than criticize. I do not think I could expect such knowlege from anyone I am just starting a relationship with. Such someone ,if motivated to prompt changes in me, would seek to do it in my best interest and to help me mature. Not because I am an annnoyance to them...you see what I mean?

[spiritmech]

Thank you, Rahab. I do think I've had a very hard time listening to the "still small voice" within me that I'm valuable. I've been ignoring that still small voice for so long in other areas it's no wonder I've had no interior sense of self-worth.

Your post is chock full of good information. I am trying to be open and see where God takes me.

God bless.
sm

[spiritmech]

So here is the new theory, the new idea:

God as the source of my self-esteem. Every time I feel bothered about something, ask myself, "Is this affecting my self-esteem?" If it is, remind myself that God loves me and values me and is the ultimate source of my self-esteem.

We'll see what happens after a few weeks. What an adventure!
sm

[Storico]

All the best, SM. God absolutely loves and values you, and sometimes it's a real battle accepting ourselves and trying to figure all of that out. It takes time. You're definitely on an exciting adventure, and I'm happy you've embarked!

[spiritmech]

Tertullian of Carthage: On the Testimony of the Soul

Stand forth, O soul, whether thou art a divine and eternal substance, as most philosophers believe if it be so, thou wilt be the less likely to lie-or whether thou art the very opposite of divine, because indeed a mortal thing, as Epicurus alone thinks-in that case there will be the less temptation for thee to speak falsely in this case: whether thou art received from heaven, or sprung from earth; whether thou art formed of numbers, or of atoms; whether thine existence begins with that of the body, or thou art put into it at a later stage; from whatever source, and in whatever way, thou makest man a rational being, in the highest degree capable of thought and knowledge-stand forth and give thy witness.

[Rahab]

Tertullian of Carthage: On the Testimony of the Soul

A couple of my replies to you got lost in the data crash. I hope you were able to read them before they got lost.

[Thespia]

I define acceptance as your friends not abandoning you.

[Catatle]

Paul Tillich wrote an excellent book about this called 'The Courage To Be', which I think is easily philosophical enough to be interesting to you.

here's the amazon.com link

http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Pau...3780898&sr=8-1