Our teenage daughter's clothing

[Athanasius]

We have a daughter, age 15. We have rather strict standards regarding modesty in dress. No tight-fitting or see-through clothes, low tops, string tops, midriffs showing, heavy makeup or gawdy jewelry. She is free to wear whatever she wants as long as they fall within those parameters. For the last two years however, she has been constantly wanting to "push the limits" on her clothing. choosing clothing that we find either violates our standards of modesty or come very close to doing so. Her reasoning, she says, is that she wants to "feel pretty." Because most other other girls she knows dress that way, she is afraid that she may not be considered pretty if she does not dress that way, too.

We have done our best to assure her that she can still look attractive without dressing that way. But because we are "old" she does not trust us on this. Do any of you ladies have any comments for her (or my wife and I) regarding this? Thanks!

[mossrose]

I am sorry to have to tell you this, but as a guy, you are really not allowed to post here in the Sorority.

You have made this post already in the Frat, I see. If you would like input from the girls, we could move your Frat post to Home Economics, where both genders can reply.

Would that be suitable?

[Athanasius]

That's fine.

[lilpixieofterror]

Well athanasius, I am not have a daughter like some others in this form, but I am around her age and I might be able to relate that way. When I was that age, I remember sort of feeling the same way. However; now that I'm a bit older and more mature I now know that I don't need any kind of revealing clothing to be beautiful. Personally, I find any guy who would date a girl because she dresses in a provocative way to be a waste of time to pursue any further. A guy should not only look at her body, but her mind and spirit as well. Or as Paul put it:

1 Timothy 2:9,10, NIV

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

In other words, you don't need to dress up to be noticed, you should be noticed by your actions and your personality, not by how you dress.

Hope this is what you had in mind.

[Gabby]

It is hard to teach but Beautiful and even sexyness (not that you want your 15 year old to be acting sexy) isn't something you put on it is something that comes through in actions (being kind and compassionate) and demeanor (posture, and how one carries them self).

imho

I too have teenager, 14 soon to be 15 and struggle with similar things. I just have to keep reminding myself that hair and clothes are all temporary things and that the "values" I am trying to teach are what counts. As teenagers they are trying hard to make the transition from your values to their own and sometimes it takes them a bit and some trial and error to see the value of your values. Does that make sense?

One thing that I had heard a few years back was the idea of "stacking the stands". In other words, surrounding your child with people of all ages who have their best interest at heart and who will cheer them on to holiness as they journey to independence. People who they trust and who your child feels they can approach if need be.

Anyways, God bless you and your daughter.

[Athanasius]

Thanks very much for the great comments, which are helpful and encouraging. It is not always easy being the parents of teens, especially whn the world is tugging one way, and Mom and Dad the other!

[semmie]

this is a good topic, and i'm glad we moved this and were able to allow women to participate in the discussion.

i think it's worth noting that women struggle with self-image at almost every stage of life; not just during their teens. i think, though, that how we learn to deal with the struggle in our younger years (pre-teen and teen) probably carries over into the rest of our lives.

i like what gabby said about "stacking the stands." this is something (for young men and women) that i think the church needs to be more a part of. i don't simply mean that we should tell our young women that they are beautiful because of their character, and not because of how they dress; but much, much more than that. i think we need to be much more pro-active about investing in the lives of young people...getting to know them, encouraging them in their passions, catching them with love and support when they make mistakes, helping them to find the opportunities to do and be what they want to do and be, and helping them to make sense of their existence in the world they're in.

and i don't think it should be organized or rehearsed or requested by the parents, either. i think we need to make it genuine and personal--an overflow of our love and support for the individual, as a church.

i don't mean to take the focus off of the parents. even rebellious teens listen to what they're parents are saying now and then (even if they don't obey). i mean that...i think the church should step alongside parents and invest in the lives of their children.

i think my own life has been a great example of this. at every point of my young adulthood, there were people from my church who encouraged me, who got to know me, who let me know that they were there, who let my mom know that they were there (for me and for her), who pushed me to excel in the things i was interested in.

the reason i say all this is because...i think that if we, as the church, begin to take the focus off of appearance and off of clothing and being "cool," then we spend time growing the person that god created for his glory and pleasure...and we make a statement to our children that we are invested in helping them every step of the way.

anyway. i'm not sure how much sense that makes...and i say it all as one who has no children (much less, teenagers!). i do have nieces and nephews approaching their teens, though. and i pray every day that god moves upon the people in their home church to encourage them and let them know that they see christ in them.

at any rate...it certainly can't hurt!

pax christi,
sarah

[Seasanctuary]

Because most other other girls she knows dress that way, she is afraid that she may not be considered pretty if she does not dress that way, too.

We have done our best to assure her that she can still look attractive without dressing that way.

In my experience, it's only the other girls who pay attention to precisely what a girl is wearing. Menfolk pay attention to the rough idea conveyed by the type of clothing.

Skimpy clothes convey a 'sugary' idea: interesting for today (or should I say 'tonight'), but not long term. Comfortable yet elegant clothes convey a sense of long term attractiveness and self assurance.

Make her watch some Veronica Mars or something.

[ApologiaPhoenix]

To me as a guy, what a girl is wearing doesn't really stand out to me. If she's wearing something skimpy, it's actually a turn-off. We need some room for imagination after all. The most attractive girls are actually the most modest ones. They go through life and they have a smile on and they're confident of their beauty and have no need to flaunt it.

Really, the clothing doesn't matter as much as girls think it does. It's the character. When I think of the attractive women I've met in my lifetime, I don't try to think "now what color dress were they wearing?" etc. They're just attractive. What they wear is very very very secondary.

[familyof6]

Hello!

I can relate from both points of view on this. I have four kids. Although my oldest is only 9, I'm beginning to get a glimpse of these future battles. I am also watching some of my friends go through this with their older kids. On the other hand, I was raised by strict parents; and I remember struggling daily for my independence.

As a parent, I understand the rules you have set forth. However, when I was a teen, I remember feeling that I was being treated more fairly when my parents were willing to listen and compromise. Even if they only gave me an inch, it made a huge difference in our relationship. Here are some ideas:

Try talking to your daughter about exactly what kind of clothing she has in mind; maybe even have her point out things she likes in a catalouge. Then, discuss what you do not approve of, but point out small things about the clothing she likes that you may not have a problem with. Find out what clothing brands are popular right now, and see if that particular brand carries items that aren't so racy. Take her shopping and focus on the few things you may be able to agree on.

If you and your daughter cannot find any common ground regarding clothing; perhaps you could allow her to go and get her hair done. A new hairdo does wonders for a girl! Perhaps it will help her feel refreshed and hopefully she will receive compliments at school. Don't forget, accessories and shoes help too. "I don't approve of those tight hip-hugger jeans, but I do think it's time for you to pick out some new earrings or a purse."

Small nods to her individuality, trying to work with her and not against her, and focusing on what can be agreed on will go a long way. It's a difficult balance; to keep your child reigned in and out of trouble, without alienating them or causing a serious 18 year old rebellion. Best of luck to you!

Heather