Parenting survey

[Vigilante]

This survey is for ALL to answer. Doesn't matter if you're single, or an empty nester. I'm not asking what you have done with your kids, but what, right now, you'd think is best if you were doing it now, or doing it again.
I thought these up on the spot, so they are kind of random, but I've been curious about some of these lately.

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Age to allow TV watching:

Age to use computer:

Age to use the Internet:

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?

Rules about music?

What about chores and giving allowance?

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues? (For me personally, my parents did nothing at all. No puberty talks, no warnings, no advice, and no "the talk". I don't agree with this approach, though I do think it would be awkward to try and have such a talk with parents).

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.

Age to be responsible for a pet:

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OK, I had not planned on the list being so long. I realize not all of these are black and white "this age exactly", so if not, then elaborate on what sort of signs you look for, or what the catalyst is. Or give a general age area. For example, I wouldn't think that a parent should explain sex in detail just because a young child happens to ask where babies come from. Some of the more graphic elements don't have to be explained just yet. After all, they'd probably forget they ever asked if you just handed them a Popsicle and said "go play outside".

As for most questions, I am just curious, I often contemplate being a daddy, and it's not the easy, play-games-with-the-kids thoughts that tend to capture me, but the harder parenting issues that bewilder me. I realize some of the questions are probably provocative, you don't have to answer every one if you don't want. As a single guy, I figure every one of these, and perhaps many more, will eventually come up, either bluntly in your face, or at least as a conversation with the spouse about what to do.

I suggest not using the quote function for every question, I'd just copy/paste all the questions and put them in blue or red and add your answers after the questions.
It will be interesting to compare the answers of parents to the answers of the childless, I am assuming they will probably differ in certain areas.

Thanks for taking the time,


Peace

[SteveF]

Age to allow TV watching:

Not sure. Maybe 5. No more than an hour a day at this age. No TV in their own room before they leave home.

Age to use computer:

Probably same as TV

Age to use the Internet:

Around 10.

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

Mid to late teens

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

Not entirely sure. Late teens probably

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

No idea.

Age to get own room

Early teens (depending on finances!)

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room?

Might depend, but should move out from parents room quite young.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house

Not sure. 7 maybe

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

Never.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

Assuming responsible parents, fairly young. 7 or 8 ish.

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

No.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie?

Use ratings as guidelines, not rigid rules. Watch potentially problematic movies beforehand.

Rules about music?

Don't be anti-social (i.e. sit in room all day listening to Nirvana), but other than that no rules

What about chores and giving allowance?

Small allowance. Chores given, though parents still do most of work round hose

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it?

Happy to let schools be involved. Probably have talk myself sometime in mid teens.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend".

15ish.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke

Talk to them about both. Don't be too authoritarian. Introduce light drinking at home at some point in teens.

To spank or not to spank?

No.

Age to be responsible for a pet:

No idea

[historic salve]

Age to allow TV watching:
5.

Age to use computer:
7.

Age to use the Internet:
12 or older, with parental ratings.

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):
Doesn't really matter.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):
Older. I'm thinking 13 or 15 or so.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):
No split bedrooms like that to begin with.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):
Doesn't matter.

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.
Stop around age 8.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?
7 or 8 to stop helping them with showers, I would think. Is that too old still? No streaking ever. Kids should not see the parents or siblings naked, but let's be honest. It happens by mistake.

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):
You mean pocket knives? Never, or 15 over. BB gun, maybe 11. Old enough not to kill animals for fun.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:
Hmm, never thought about that one. I'd need the other parents to give me their word they'll be safe, maybe meet them first.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?
Not an issue unless they're sleeping over, in which case no way.

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?
Just don't take God's name in vain, don't swear at me or mom. Anything else is fine.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?
Prescreen the R-rated movies, maybe even some of the PG-13 movies depending on age and content. But I suspect that if my kids go out to the movies, I wouldn't know about it anyway.

Rules about music?
Dangerous themes/excessive swearing are not allowed.

What about chores and giving allowance?
Chores, yes. Allowance, maybe.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues?
My parents did it young for me. I would probably do the same, before 10, because in my experience that's when kids start liking the opposite sex. It would be a general talk about puberty and what is appropriate to think about the opposite sex.

(For me personally, my parents did nothing at all. No puberty talks, no warnings, no advice, and no "the talk". I don't agree with this approach, though I do think it would be awkward to try and have such a talk with parents).
Wow, how did you fare?

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?
12, maybe.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?
No drugs or alcohol period. I will hammer this into them from an early age.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline?
Spanking when young.

Age to be responsible for a pet:
Doesn't really matter.

Kind of surprised you didn't ask about prayer or when to explain who God is to them. I've been wondering about that a lot. How am I supposed to make sure my kid has as few understandings as possible? How and when am I supposed to explain the Creeds or things like John 1?

ETA: also, reading the Bible without any guidance is another concern. It's too easy for kids to misunderstand a teaching of Jesus, for instance, apply it to themselves, and take it to heart.

[rogue06]

Don't have any kids, but if I had a son I'd hesitate at ever letting him wear a bikini.

[Philosophickle]

Age to allow TV watching

Don't have a tv, and probably won't then.

Age to use computer

At the age they begin to show interest.

Age to use the Internet:

I'd monitor their usage early on, and take the training wheels off at 10-12.

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

I dunno, whenever they can buy one.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

Boys-never. Girls-never (I hope)

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

Probably won't share a room. Otherwise depends on the child's preference, I suppose.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):

Whenever we have enough rooms.

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.

5

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?

I don't know, but young.

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

They can have a knife whenever they become able to control it (not stab themselves). BB gun at 10 or so, real gun at 13-15, depending on maturity level.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

Whenever.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?

No.

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

I don't care.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?

Won't watch them in all probability, but they will have responsibility for choosing their movies.

Rules about music?

No country or rap music.

What about chores and giving allowance?

Yes for chores, and it depends on how much money I have.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk".

The DIscovery Channel. If they have questions I'll be sure to direct them to their mother.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?

All depends on the maturity level of the kids involved.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?

They can do what they want when they are of age. No smoking in my house unless it is Cuban and they share with dad. As far as alcohol, they can drink with me (if I'm still in Wisconsin) before 21, but they won't get shloshed on my watch.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.

Yah.

Age to be responsible for a pet:

Early.

[Raphael]

Age to allow TV watching: Already started (from birth) but we do moderate what is allowed to be watched

Age to use computer:Depends on what she is doing...with the great educational stuff available for young kids, it depends on what is age appropriate.

Age to use the Internet: Depends on what is being done, kiddy game sites and stuff we've already started (at 18 months). forums boards will be 13 years (with possible supervising...i.e. we'd also be members of the same board). I'll remove the parental controls on the internet at 18yrs

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?): When they start driving. They have no need for a mobile phone until then.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?): If daddy has his way, shortly after hell freezes over. Seriously, somewhere in the teens.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):Depends, we'll try to keep our kids in their own room from the beginning, and if we can't, we'll group the genders first.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):Already does, and will still when the next one arrives. However it depends on the size family we end up with and what we can afford. (my one brother was 17 before he got his own room, that was when my folks could afford a big enough house)

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.As soon as they can sleep through the night.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?5/6

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):Knife 10. Pellet gun 10. Paintball marker 16. Rifle 16.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:About 6 (only if we know the family)

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?If they're friends they can come

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?16 if they don't want their mouths washed out with soap. My own language is rather moderate. I do still swear when I stub my toe. Yes I do mind though if I hear my kid using a swear word I used (although having changed countries, I'm learning once again that there is a major difference in what different cultures consider to be a swear word.)

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?I check the ratings and I prescreen. The ratings however will be enforced. If the age limit is 16 on the movie, I will not let a 15 year-old watch it.

Rules about music?RnB will never be allowed to be played in my house. (because I cannot stand the music). music with swearing or sexual content won't be allowed until the child is 16. Afterwards any music containing swearing or sex will need to be kept turned down to not influence any younger kids in the house.

What about chores and giving allowance?Yes to both.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues? (For me personally, my parents did nothing at all. No puberty talks, no warnings, no advice, and no "the talk". I don't agree with this approach, though I do think it would be awkward to try and have such a talk with parents).We want to have the talk (Tamryn will have it with the girls, I will have it with the boys if we have any). 9 years or so, depending on the child.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?No serious dates until 16. Any any punk who causes my daughter the slightest discomfort, let alone hurt, will be finding one the receiving end of extreme pain

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?Early teens. I don't smoke, and I don't drink (only alcohol I will have is if I have to have cough syrup). I will encourage my kids to do the same, but as soon as they're over the legal age limit, should they choose to drink, that will be their decision.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.Yes

Age to be responsible for a pet:6

[Vigilante]

You'd only "hesitate" Rogue?

I'm actually kind of surprised at some of the answers so far, I wouldn't have thought.

The bikini question, actually was surprising. For me at least, I don't care what they wear as kids maybe under 8. They'd probably run around in the back yard naked with a hose if you let them. But when they begin to "fill out" at the puberty age when things are really awkward, I'd think more conservative swimming clothes would be more appropriate until they are comfortable with themselves probably later on in teen years. As a general rule, though, I would advise, though maybe not demand, that they wear something a little more fuller than modern bikinis. Such as swimming trunks like everybody else, and then a fuller top. Or to have one of those wraps that go around the bottom. But right at that tender 10-13 range, is probably not the best time for that kind of bodily exposure.

Yes Historic I didn't ask any faith questions. Well honestly I think children should be a part of the family faith. If you and your spouse find your beliefs to be true, then why NOT pass them on? If you don't think they are true, why do you hold them? I mean, if you feel that maybe you could be wrong about some things, is that really adequate grounds to refuse to share it with your kids? Why would you tell them about everything else you believe, but not the faith-based stuff?
In most families I know, their kids participate in all their religious activities. They go to church, pray before bed or meals, they have a Bible reading time, whatever. Not necessarily because parents want to "indoctrinate", but rather because this is simply what they do in their home, and the kid was born to this home.

For every kid I know, prayer is actually a very intimate, and highly bonding experience that the kids greatly enjoy. I know of a two year old girl who gets mad if they don't hold hands and pray before eating. Not because they indoctrinated her, but because it is just family tradition and she likes it.

I don't think you should maintain "as few understandings as possible". I think you allow your child into all your thinking and understanding, and have answers for when they ask questions. A time will come when they doubt and question and make it there own, but I see no reason why we can't pass on what we believe to our kids. And this applies for everybody, it must. Atheists will have to tell their kids what they believe about God, so will theists, Muslims, Mormons, Catholics and everybody in between. We will ALL pass on our knowledge to our kids, it's part of our job. Nobody likes the idea of indoctrination, but the fact is that kids want to be like their parents, and they want to know what their parents think about everything. So it must be this way.

In any case, so far there seems to be a couple dividing lines. Right at the 7-8 age we make a jump, and then another jump at or after puberty. Otherwise there doesn't seem to be much to discriminate against the rest of the time.

As for how I fared without any "talks", well, dictionaries, encyclopedias and the Internet filled in rather nicely! But I don't suggest you let this happen, because I always felt dirty about looking in to it, after all, parents wouldn't talk about it. And anything relating to it in movies got fast forwarded or bleeped out. I figured it was bad stuff that I shouldn't be looking in to. That has stayed with me even to this day. I'd much rather have a clear and open communication line to my parents, than to fear about subjects I concluded were off limits.

And on the other hand, by a certain age, there was NO WAY I'd talk about these with my parents anyway. So I think it would be good, before puberty, to have such talks. Not even to teach everything in the world, but rather to open the communication lines about the subjects so the kids know they are not off limits and taboo and that they CAN actually talk to you about stuff and not feel scared or sinful for thinking about it as in my case.

Anyway, awaiting more responses, might learn something.


Peace

[historic salve]

Yes Historic I didn't ask any faith questions. Well honestly I think children should be a part of the family faith. If you and your spouse find your beliefs to be true, then why NOT pass them on? If you don't think they are true, why do you hold them? I mean, if you feel that maybe you could be wrong about some things, is that really adequate grounds to refuse to share it with your kids? Why would you tell them about everything else you believe, but not the faith-based stuff?

I wasn't suggesting that I would keep my faith from my kids. Quite the opposite. The only thing I'm worried about is explaining it as accurately as I can, which is hard when you're talking to a child.

I don't think you should maintain "as few understandings as possible". I think you allow your child into all your thinking and understanding, and have answers for when they ask questions. A time will come when they doubt and question and make it there own, but I see no reason why we can't pass on what we believe to our kids. And this applies for everybody, it must. Atheists will have to tell their kids what they believe about God, so will theists, Muslims, Mormons, Catholics and everybody in between. We will ALL pass on our knowledge to our kids, it's part of our job. Nobody likes the idea of indoctrination, but the fact is that kids want to be like their parents, and they want to know what their parents think about everything. So it must be this way.

Wow, that was a really bad typo. I meant to say misunderstandings.

[Vigilante]

Here is another question to ask the dads:

Do you cave in at the big cow eyes and pouting lips of your daughter(s)?
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Thanks Raphael, you got your post in before I did my last one.

So far I'm torn on the sleeping in parents bed issue. As it stands now, I don't see the big problem, I wouldn't care if my teenager wanted to sleep with me. It seems nothing more than a matter of preference, I can just as easily send them packing. Is there some kind of psychological problem there? I've known parents to go sleep with their kids!

I also thought about the gender-split bedrooms. I guess they could get into mischief. So I'd say, no combining at all, or else make the split very early, like 3 maybe 4.

[Vigilante]

Haha Historic. OK that makes sense now. No advice here except to say, just keep explaining until they get it. If they don't get it, assure them they will when they are older and have more info under their belt.

There is actually a fallacy out there that has something do to with how we will "dumb down" information so it is digestible to children, and then add more info and round it out later. I think it is enough for kids to have the all-encompassing kind of overview of things, and then as they grow and question these concepts, you break them down further, and further, until you really hit brass tacks.

[Vivian]

This survey is for ALL to answer. Doesn't matter if you're single, or an empty nester. I'm not asking what you have done with your kids, but what, right now, you'd think is best if you were doing it now, or doing it again.
I thought these up on the spot, so they are kind of random, but I've been curious about some of these lately.

Hello Vigilante.

So that you know where I am coming from, I am a mother of an 18 year old son and 11 year old daughter.

Before I begin, my husband and I have a different philosophy than most I have encountered when it comes to parenting.

I start assuming that my children are perfect and all their desires are perfectly aligned with what is best for them.

Then as they prove otherwise, or in what area otherwise, we make rules that will help them grow and development into healthy and beneficial additions to humankind...

Age to allow TV watching:

It depends on whether or not it is your first child, or second or third.

With a first child, I would keep as much of the world away from him/her as possible. And so would not have the TV on much, except for an occasional PBS or disney show, or tape, for some quiet down time, or a movie for the family to watch together.

But once the child is acquainted with TV, I would not call it evil, nor make any judgments about this show or that show being bad. However, if my child asked to watch something that I did not feel they should be watching, we would talk about it. Often the decision was no, but often, I did change my mind.

From talking with my kids, I found that I had misjudged a few shows, and after previewing, decided that they were not only OK, but good to watch.

With my son, he did not know commercial TV existed until he was 8 or so, so as far as he was concerned the TV was for watching PBS and shows and movies with his parents, and he started watching with us as soon as he was able to enjoy the shows, probably around 2 1/2.

My daughter though, being born into a family that watched more TV than had her brother, watched shows that I would never have allowed her brother to watch, because the family was watching them. We though had to make compromises, picking shows that she would enjoy and not be harmed by that we could all together enjoy.

Age to use computer:

As soon as they can work a mouse! With both my kids, we played many fun games together and the computer has been a source of much fun and learning. I would though always supervise a child on a computer. With my 11 year old daughter, if she hears about a youtube video etc that she wants to watch, I preview it, and then watch it with her.

Age to use the Internet:

Probably never unsupervised (because it is easy to accidentally go someplace you don't want to be!), or not until they are at least 16-17 (depending on the level of maturity and responsibility of the child), but as soon as a child is able to enjoy the internet, I would share it with them, always with me leading the way.

My daughter's first internet excursion came after she asked me where donuts came from and I said well, let's go find out...

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

Right now, I would say when they need one.

Definitely by time they are able to drive, or be out in a car without a parent along. Also, in the high school years, the kids stay in touch via texting - socially, but also to make plans for study groups or projects. My son did not get a phone till his 17th bday. I imagine though that my daughter will have one by the time she is 14.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

Depends on the child.

My daughter would not be caught dead in a bikini - she wears board shorts and a rash guard. But I know some girls would feel uncomfortable not wearing a bikini, because everyone else is wearing one.

My advice - if you have a daughter who likes wearing things like a bikini, keep her in a social group where no one else wears one, and I bet she will soon dislike wearing one also.

If you do not want your child to do something, do not send them to a school or make them live in a neighborhood, where everyone else is doing it. By forcing your child to go against what their friends are doing, you will damage them, and your relationship with them.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

Depends on the children and the family situation.

I personally prefer each sibling to have their own room so this is a non-issue. When we lived in a two bedroom house, we did not make my son share his room with his baby sister. We the parents decided to have the child, so she shared our room until we could afford a bigger house.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):

Definitely a must, from the beginning. Each person in the family needs their own place, where they can go and be away from the noise of the family, in solitude with themselves and God.

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.

I support being there 24/7 for your kids - even the middle of the night.

Right now, my husband and I have a king size bed, so there is room for my daughter, should she need us at night. When our bed was smaller, we kept a small mattress beside the bed, for the kids to climb into (or start out there) at night.

The 'kids in their own bed' is a cultural thing and definitely not a God-thing. Kids need access to their parents day and night.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?

I think what ever works for the family and for the kids. Some kids are born modest, and some like to run around naked! So the family has to adapt, so that everyone is comfortable.

What is horrid is to teach a child who is free with his-her own body that something is wrong with it - that they need to hide it away so no one else can see.

Again, this is something each family has to resolve, based on what is most comfortable for all.

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

This again can vary based on parental preference and child maturity.

In my home, I do not like guns, but my husband is a hunter, so we had hunting magazines lying around that my son at a very early age would gravitate towards. The gist is that I had to let go of my son, realizing that my husband was more adept at turning a boy into a man than I, and so he made all the decisions regarding paint ball, pellet guns, and now rifles. My son has used them all. By daughter though has no interest.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

Depends on the child. My son was ready at age three and spent the night at relatives and close family friends' houses. My daughter though, did not like to be away from home, and was actually forced to spend the night away during a period of time when my husband was ill and in the hospital.

But she did not regularly spend the night away until she was in 4th grade.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?

There is no need to make any rules, unless the child has proven themselves untrustworthy. My children have gone to small, private schools, and so are behind the norm in social development. My son was well prepared for boy-girl parties when he started attending them at age 16.

Again, if you do not want your child attending boy-girl parties do not send them to a school, or live in a neighborhood, where all their friends will be throwing boy-girl parties and attending them.

Doing such a thing is a sure-fire way to get your teen to hate you.

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

Instead of rules, we talk about why people swear, including ourselves, and help them find less lazy ways of expressing how they feel.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?

Yeah. Until my son was 17, I checked out all the movies he wanted to see, even prescreening a few R rated movies, and then taking him to see them myself. I research movies now for my daughter to see, often taking her to ones that her friends do not see - because of supposed anti-Christian themes (not sex or violence) finding in them deep spiritual meaning and wanting her to develop the ability to think for herself.

Rules about music?

Yeah. Again I limit what my kids are exposed to, but once they hear and want to listen to a certain artist, I listen with them.

What about chores and giving allowance?

Depends on the child. It can be good way of teaching responsibility etc. Again though, I am for using less rules to teach and more face to face interaction.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues? (For me personally, my parents did nothing at all. No puberty talks, no warnings, no advice, and no "the talk". I don't agree with this approach, though I do think it would be awkward to try and have such a talk with parents).

Good question. Having gone through it twice now, I highly recommend talking to your kids about these things when they are very little, building on it a little at a time. Both our kids knew nothing, until 'the talk' (their school does a formal talk in 5th grade) and they were both embarrassed and horrified by it all.

The kids that knew this stuff before age 7 (or most of it) thought it no big deal. Because when they heard about it the first time, it did not apply to them personally. It was something that would happen in the future, so there was no fear or discomfort in the present.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?

Again, face to face teaching is superior to rules. With both kids, we are there with them, talking and listening as they talk about the opposite sex. And in both cases, I am finding that the kids themselves know when they are, or are not, ready for a serious relationship.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?

The truth - including how much I liked to party (drink and smoke pot ) in college. There is a reason the young adults are drawn to alcohol, and drugs. And it isn't because they are evil and bad!

Again, face to face honest teaching is better then rules. Telling your kids to behave a certain way, when you yourself did not, or don't even understand why such behaviors exist in our society, is being hypocritical.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.

I did not believe in spanking with my son, so did not spank. My daughter though was quite difficult, and after trying everything, I resorted to spanking. I stopped though, and still feel pangs of guilt in realizing that often we are punishing children for being children. We want them to fit into our world, and when they don't on their own, we force them with punishment.

My daughter, even at age 4, had no concept that she could not do exactly as she wanted, and all the spanking in the world was not going to change her. So instead, I changed me, I created a world where she could do everything that she wanted, and I joined her there.

Later, when she was older, she was able to learn to control her impulses and desires. She was a late bloomer in this regard.

Age to be responsible for a pet:

Each child is different.

OK, I had not planned on the list being so long. I realize not all of these are black and white "this age exactly", so if not, then elaborate on what sort of signs you look for, or what the catalyst is. Or give a general age area. For example, I wouldn't think that a parent should explain sex in detail just because a young child happens to ask where babies come from. Some of the more graphic elements don't have to be explained just yet. After all, they'd probably forget they ever asked if you just handed them a Popsicle and said "go play outside".

As for most questions, I am just curious, I often contemplate being a daddy, and it's not the easy, play-games-with-the-kids thoughts that tend to capture me, but the harder parenting issues that bewilder me. I realize some of the questions are probably provocative, you don't have to answer every one if you don't want. As a single guy, I figure every one of these, and perhaps many more, will eventually come up, either bluntly in your face, or at least as a conversation with the spouse about what to do.

I suggest not using the quote function for every question, I'd just copy/paste all the questions and put them in blue or red and add your answers after the questions.
It will be interesting to compare the answers of parents to the answers of the childless, I am assuming they will probably differ in certain areas.

Thanks for taking the time,


Peace

OK, Vigilante.

I would say that parenting is the most difficult job any of us can have. Because you must give all of yourself to your child (or at least often seems like it!) So you better be ready, already having lived 'your life' and now ready to help a child begin theirs.

As Dobson (I think) says, pay now or pay later.

We have friends down the street who, after their first 2 kids seemed to be establishing themselves well in this world, decided that they wife would start working. Now their youngest, who is 16, has a severe drug problem.

Again, rules are for absent parents. Face to face teaching is far superior.





Viv

[Raphael]

Do you cave in at the big cow eyes and pouting lips of your daughter(s)? I'm very firmly wrapped around her little finger.

Thanks Raphael, you got your post in before I did my last one.

A pleasure.

So far I'm torn on the sleeping in parents bed issue. As it stands now, I don't see the big problem, I wouldn't care if my teenager wanted to sleep with me. It seems nothing more than a matter of preference, I can just as easily send them packing. Is there some kind of psychological problem there? I've known parents to go sleep with their kids!

It's not the kid I'm worried about. When you have a kid sleeping in the same bed it's an immediate intrusion on the intimacy you have with your spouse. (I'm not just talking about sex here folks).

I also thought about the gender-split bedrooms. I guess they could get into mischief. So I'd say, no combining at all, or else make the split very early, like 3 maybe 4.

I'm not too worried about mischief. I shared my sister's room until I was 5 and she was 11, then we moved into a bigger house and I got my own room. We were a big family, 4 boys and one girl. My oldest brother Steve had his own very small room (he's 16 years older than me), my next two brothers shared a room, and my sister and I shared a room.

If I can I would rather boys shared a room and girls shared a room, more because the boys don't like pink, and the girls get upset if the boys chop the heads off the Barbie dolls than for any other reason..

The bikini question, actually was surprising. For me at least, I don't care what they wear as kids maybe under 8. They'd probably run around in the back yard naked with a hose if you let them. But when they begin to "fill out" at the puberty age when things are really awkward, I'd think more conservative swimming clothes would be more appropriate until they are comfortable with themselves probably later on in teen years. As a general rule, though, I would advise, though maybe not demand, that they wear something a little more fuller than modern bikinis. Such as swimming trunks like everybody else, and then a fuller top. Or to have one of those wraps that go around the bottom. But right at that tender 10-13 range, is probably not the best time for that kind of bodily exposure.

I won't let my little girl wear a bikini as I think it is sexualising them in the eyes of others at a young age. Not just the bikini's, some of the clothing available for little girls would embarrass a prostitute if she was wearing the adult versions.

I won't let my daughter wear a bikini when she's thirteen either, but when she is in her later teens, I've no problem should she choose to wear a modest bikini top and board shorts.

[Vigilante]

Thanks for all the detail Vivian, though I disagree on the spanking. My understanding is kids are born sinners, kicking and screaming, red in tooth and claw, selfish as the day is long, disobedient, ornery, demanding, lying, thieving, temperamental, and everything else.
I'm not sure what you meant by creating a world where she can do anything she wants. This isn't the real world, and I think it's good for a child to learn something about respecting authority and that life isn't their playground. When she "get's out there", nobody else going to create a world where she can do anything she wants. But that's just me. Unless you meant something else by it.
It's my view that parents know what is best, not kids.

Raphael, I realized later that having a spouse would be a big reason not to want kids sleeping in bed, duh! Since I am single, I tend to put myself in a single-parent situation. So naturally nothing would be better than extra cuddling time. But truly, with a spouse, that might not work a lot of the time. Husbands and wives most certainly need some alone time without a kid, not matter how adorable and cuddly.

Good stuff.

[Vivian]

Thanks for all the detail Vivian, though I disagree on the spanking. My understanding is kids are born sinners, kicking and screaming, red in tooth and claw, selfish as the day is long, disobedient, ornery, demanding, lying, thieving, temperamental, and everything else.
I'm not sure what you meant by creating a world where she can do anything she wants. This isn't the real world, and I think it's good for a child to learn something about respecting authority and that life isn't their playground. When she "get's out there", nobody else going to create a world where she can do anything she wants. But that's just me. Unless you meant something else by it.
It's my view that parents know what is best, not kids.

Hello Vigilante-

It is different mindset, perspective, world view - one I did not have until I was in my second decade of parenting.

Kids are not born sinners. They are born children - curious, adventurous, wanting - into a world that will hurt them if they are not trained in both wisdom and love.

I see a parent's job then, to aid them in growing emotionally, mentally, and physically, so that they will be healthy and strong, filled with love and wisdom, fit to be servants of God.

And so my job has been to guide my children through the different stages of development, and early on children need a 'safe world' about them so that they may grow and develope and learn about themselves without the intrusions of the 'real world'.

Teaching our children about the real world should be done in stages, and delayed as long as possible, so that the innocent purity of the child can continue to be nurtured.

In God's Kingdom, children of God play, doing whatever their heart desires, for there is a natural give and take allowing all to remain in bliss, constantly. And so I gave this to my children in the early life - a safe world, likened to the Kingdom. And if I did not want for them to have something, they did not see it, thus they did not want for it unable that had matured sufficiently to deal with the desire.

Their life then was Kingdom-like, filled with happiness and joy. (Of course it was not this perfect, but this was the goal.) And for my daughter this world existed for a bit longer because she was not ready at 4 to begin learning about the real world.

I have seen the harm that parents do to their children, thinking they are sinners that need to be controlled, or even parenting a generic child based on a set of standardized rules instead of parenting 'their child' with his or her own uniquenesses.

Even Dobson says to say yes to our children as often as we can.

Yes, children are born into sin. Born into sin, not born sinners. There is a big difference. The only reason children 'sin' is because of the world they are born into. And it is our job as parents to teach them the love and wisdom that is required to maneuver this world.

If we love our children unconditionally - letting them know that we think they are perfect no matter what they do, while at the same time we train them in wisdom, they will be less susceptible to the sin in this world.

If we, as parents, allow our children's natural God-given, curiosity, creativity, love, joy, playfulness, not only stay alive within them, but continue to be nurtured as they rise into adulthood, we will have done our job well.

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.




Viv

[JenSen]

To start off... I'm in my 20s and I don't have children yet. So I'm going based on my values, my own childhood, and my experiences looking after kids. That out of the way...


Age to allow TV watching:

Four or five. And television at this age should be limited to one movie, or a show or two.

Age to use computer:

Kids start to use computers at school at an early age often, usually by 6 or 7. I recall being taught educational games related to geography, spelling, reading, math, and french. At that age and older, if kids are playing on a computer at home, it's fine... but times should be limited, and it really depends on the circumstances. If they do use the computer at home, I would suggest getting those types of games that are educational, and maybe being there with them too, to supervise, and ask questions. One personal memory: being 8 years old or so, and being "allowed" to use an old DOS paint program to "draw" on the computer. I recall thinking that was quite a treat.


Age to use the Internet:

I think that depends on quite a few factors. first, the maturity of the child... I know kids who are lightyears apart although they're the same age. you also need good parental controls on the net, and you need to be able to supervise them... I'd say that a 12 or 13 year old should be able to use the internet in a limited way, with supervision and a list of things they're allowed/disallowed to do. I'd limit it to email, kid-friendly sites, educational sites, and I'd honestly supervise any email coming in and out. Some sites even have timers that parents can set, and after the time's up, it logs the child out. That's a good thing. Kids don't need to be in front of the internet all day.


Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

A cellphone for use of only calling my husband and I, or any relatives or trusted friends (That we would approve) is good at age 10 or so. This would make sure they don't abuse the phone but can still reach me and my husband or someone else for help, to ask a question or to check in, if they need to or want to.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

I'm not sure a child younger than highschool age needs a bikini. In fact, I've never owned one. I'd personally prefer to teach my daughter that she can look pretty in anything, even if it's more modest. A tankini (see right here, which is basically a bathing suit tank top, is absolutely great and it covers a kid's stomach. I'm really not sure. I just don't see why a child should need to go to a pool or a beach and have older boys ogling her. I wouldn't be comfortable with a child in a bikini. There's NO need for one. When they get a job and buy their own clothes, I hope they'll use their own good judgment.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

5 or 6 would be a good time to split up genders, since it's the age kids become aware that they're not in fact all the same, and that they'd like privacy. That, and separate spaces to hang out with their toys, friends, etc.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):

If it's feasible, same answer as above. Kids like having their own space. If you have enough rooms and they don't want to share, then why not split them?

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.

After the age of 5 or 6, I think I'd encourage them to sleep in their own bed on a regular basis, nightmares or not. If they ever asked occasionally, or if they had a nightmare and they were upset, I wouldn't tell them that they weren't allowed, regardless of age. I also think that I'd let my kids know that mom&dad have their own bed, and the kids have theirs. I'd be more adamant about enforcing the "sleep in your own bed" policy by age 11. I don't think too many kids over 12 or 13 really want to sleep with their parents very often anyhow.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?

In terms of bathing...

I think it's absolutely harmless to bathe toddlers or preschoolers together. they don't know the difference, and it's pretty impractical to bathe one 2 year old while worrying about what the 3 year old's gotten into, so I say into the tub they both go. I'd teach older kids to bathe themselves, I'd be there to help if they needed it (ESPECIALLY right there at the door or in the room with a child around age 5, or 6... accidents do happen), and if they for some reason wanted to shower or bathe with a parent I'd encourage it being the same gendered parent.

In terms of streaking (I don't believe I've ever said that before! )....

Some little kids love to streak. I maintain that most babies and most toddlers find it comes naturally. By age two or so, though, they're more than old enough to know that clothes should stay on. By preschool, they HAVE to know that clothes stay on or their caretakers and teachers will have a thing or two to say about that. So I'd start them off as early as possible with the "clothes stay on" concept.


Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

A child doesn't need a weapon that'll harm anyone else. Nothing wrong with a water gun or maybe a cap gun (the sort that makes a loud bang and blows smoke only). If a kid really wanted to know how to use a weapon, I'd re-assess later, when the child was older, and had proven to be responsible and mature enough.


Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

Kids as young as 4 or 5 could sleep over at a friend's house, provided we knew that friend and his or her parents well, and trusted our child to their care. It would also depend on if our kids WANTED to sleep over. Some really don't like the idea at all. I wouldn't push it, but I'd allow it if I had enough information and I trusted the place they were staying at. My own pre-requisite would be that the parents (or at least one parent) would need to actually BE THERE. That's both a safety requirement, a supervisory issue and a rule I'd insist on for my own sanity. For that matter, I'd need to know that the parent(s) were there and sober and focused to help any kid in the house, as needed. And when my kid got home, I'd ask about how often the parent(s) who were there checked in with them, etc.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?

Boy/girl parties are just fine. However... As far as basic rules I would encourage the parents to stay. When the invites go out be sure to let them know it's a boy/girl party as some parents might not be comfortable themselves with it and make sure to ask the child what he or she wants. If he or she wants just girls or boys there...i don't think making them have both would do any good.


Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

I don't swear very often at all, although there's always an exception -- if I'm very, very angry, or if something falls on my foot, I've been known to say something. I'm not absolutely immune. But I'd make a POINT of not swearing around a child. I also think that besides swearing we need to think about words we might not want them to repeat. Idiot, jerk etc. Not swearing, per se, but not words I want them using alot either. I'd also like to add onto our 'language' that our affection towards each other (me and my husband) and how we treat each other as husband and wife will have an effect on them (the kids). Kindness, respect etc. So body language and simple words like "thank you' or "I love you" goes a long way.


Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?

I'd let my child watch any G-rated movie they wanted to. Anything PG or higher, I'd pre-screen or at least rely on the advice of a friend I trusted who'd already seen the movie or allowed their child to see it. I'd decide on a case-by-case movie basis while a child was a pre-teen and younger. Over a pre-teen, getting into the teenaged years, I'd still want to know what they were choosing to watch but I'd allow them their own choice to an extent, I think. You have to trust that the judgment you taught them will stick at some point

Now there are some movies i know like LOTR...those are too scary for young kids...maybe when they're 12 or so, they could watch them, but not before. I would like to read some of the stories to them though or let them read it. I could easily edit it down verbally if i read it to them...the creepy parts etc. And when they're older, they could watch the movie.


Rules about music?

Rap is not allowed in my household unless there is a Christian rap artist my child likes. At home with the kids there, I'd love to play Irish music, oldies, country, Christian music while they were growing up, and I'd like to make that music a part of their lives. It's harmless, it generally all has a pretty good message, and I have wonderful memories of growing up with great music. The stuff I grew up with, I still love now. It's fun. I want to give my kids that sense of fun. And in terms of Christian music, letting a child hear that God loves them, in music form, is a great thing.

What about chores and giving allowance?

I'd teach them as early as possible how to do small, age-appropriate things, and build up from there. A 4 year old can make his or her own bed and tidy their room. A 6 year old can sort laundry. An 8 year old can put away dishes (of course, I'd help them reach the higher stuff on top shelves... until they got taller than me! Which wouldn't be too hard! ) Little kids LOVE to help mom and dad, and I'd like to encourage that in my kids. Helping the family should be its own reward... families are a team. Parents are team leaders. Now, I know that sometimes, people believe that young kids shouldn't be given chores, and that at a set age, say 10 or 11, kids should be taught a whole bunch of chores at once, or they should be shifted in gradually from there. Because some people think "childhood is just for playing and being carefree" and they know they'll raise their kids into responsible adults by starting the chores just a bit later, I really see no problem with that, either.

As for allowance...

It depends greatly on age. And maturity, and how well your kids have learned the value of a dollar. Giving a child a couple dollars a week and teaching them to budget for what they really want is a good idea. I'd buy a kid any clothing they needed (and I don't mean name brand designer stuff. I mean good, sturdy, wearable practical clothing and maybe they get to pick their favourite colour or something)... and I'd buy a kid a book or the odd toy, but anything else, I'd teach them to save up for. Especially if it's something I know will break in 10 minutes. When a kid saves up for a month and gets a toy that breaks in 10 minutes, they usually go "oh. now I see why mom and dad didn't want me to have this toy."


OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues? (For me personally, my parents did nothing at all. No puberty talks, no warnings, no advice, and no "the talk". I don't agree with this approach, though I do think it would be awkward to try and have such a talk with parents).

I don't want the schools doing it. I'd sooner me and my husband have that talk with our kids. There are some GREAT books for younger children, stuff that is REALLY basic and addresses the differences between boys and girls. And there are Christian books that explain to kids what love is -- and how a certain kind of love belongs between a husband and his wife (or a mother and a father), and how that love produces a baby. I wouldn't necessarily HAVE to use the books, but I want that to be the angle my husband and I come at the subject from. And if we chose to let our child read a book we'd pre-screened, we could be available to answer any questions.

In terms of talking to kids about puberty and the changes they'll be going through, I'll make it short and sweet: I'll talk to my daughter about any changes. My husband will talk to our son about any changes. That works out best I think. I know nothing about little boys, and much less about actually BEING one, so. If possible, in my family I'd want a same gender parent to answer questions and do the puberty talk. Now, if a child approached me and asked a question I'd answer to the best of my ability anyways, but I'd probably preface it (if it was my son asking) with "sweetie, I'll do my best to answer you, but I think your dad will know more on this."



Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?

I'd say 15 is a reasonable age. A child younger than that doesn't need to go on a date for any reason I can think of. Overall, it's going to depend on the maturity of the child, and I never want my child to date someone just because they think they ought to, or because they feel pressure to. They need to be ready to handle a relationship. I don't even mean a serious relationship - just one in general. I say it might be wise to assess on a case-by-case basis. Each teenager's going to be different. ( Heck, some teenagers have no interest in dating anyone until they're old enough to date someone they know they could also marry. I'd completely respect that. Realistically, though, that probably won't happen with most kids. )

Most importantly, I'd want to be open with my kids, and REALLY emphasize the difference between "like" and "love". There's such a huge difference, and they need to know it. I'd want to tell them how their dad and I met, help them understand that the love their dad and I have for each other is true love -- affection, consideration, respect, joy.... and I think it's important for kids to have some standard for their own relationships. They NEED to know how others deserve to be treated. They need to know how they deserve to be treated.


Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?

It's important to me to talk to kids about drugs and alcohol from an early enough age. These days, these are VERY real issues for some kids as young as 8 or 9, and they need to be addressed at home by both me and my husband. I'll get the kids any information they want or need, and answer any questions they have. I absolutely want to make sure we both talk to our kids regularly about the problems associated with smoking, drinking and other drugs. I don't want my kids to think alcohol is evil -- it clearly isn't -- but I want them to see my husband and I using very common sense, and I'll expect them to as well, and raise them to.

I want our kids to get their information from us. From trusted sources. NOT from friends, from magazines, from rumors. I want us to sit down with our kids and talk openly with them. And I want to let them know how to be good stewards of their own bodies, and how to take care of those bodies by making sure they're not abusing them with the substances out there that are available.

I also want our kids to know that we're there for them, and that we care.


To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.

I don't believe it's necessary in serious discipline. I also don't know anyone who was messed up because their parent used a hand on their backside, either. On the other hand, I'm not going to bother with it. I'd much prefer to raise my children to see that what they do has a very natural consequence: if they act out and scream and fight, then they obviously need calm-down time, and they'll find that they'll need to sit quietly in a corner, facing the wall, with nothing to do for 15 minutes -- and if they carry on, another minute gets added. That drives a kid CRAZY, but it's effective. If a child scribbles all over a wall in crayon, what point is spanking them? I'd sooner get them scrubbing that wall until no crayon can be seen. That teaches them, too. On the FLIP side, when they behave well, they'll see the POSITIVE consequences of that.



Age to be responsible for a pet:

That depends on the child and how responsible they are in picking up after themselves, looking after their personal things, etc. If they can't do that, then they won't be able to have a pet and fully look after it. Now, assuming I've got a child I've taught to be responsible and careful, I don't see anything wrong with a child having a pet to look after by the time they're 7 or 8. I know kids at that age who LOVE looking after their pets.

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So, there we have it. If you made it through this.... congrats. Hope it was useful. I know it REALLY was, for me!