Parenting survey

[Vigilante]

To clarify the weapon question, it's not so much about attacking things, but just having a dangerous tool. Like a multi-tool or a pocket knife. I know a 9 year old boy who loves these things and owns a few pocket knives and multi-tools and even a sword, and a spring-type, lever-action BB gun. So far he hasn't hurt himself or his siblings, but that's not to say he hasn't gestured with them or pretended to that required correction.
The way I see it, if they don't own a knife, they'll be cutting things with your kitchen knives anyway. I think it's good for them to own one and learn how to use it.

[Raphael]

To clarify the weapon question, it's not so much about attacking things, but just having a dangerous tool. Like a multi-tool or a pocket knife. I know a 9 year old boy who loves these things and owns a few pocket knives and multi-tools and even a sword, and a spring-type, lever-action BB gun. So far he hasn't hurt himself or his siblings, but that's not to say he hasn't gestured with them or pretended to that required correction.
The way I see it, if they don't own a knife, they'll be cutting things with your kitchen knives anyway. I think it's good for them to own one and learn how to use it.

My parents gave me my first knife when I was 6. I misused it on my mother's flower garden (apparently I wasn't meant to be sword fighting with the plants) and it was confiscated, I was allowed a knife again a few years later.

Since then I have built up a collection of knifes that stay in their box.

I never had my own gun, but we had guns in the house, and I was allowed to use the pellet guns any time I wanted to (once I was about 10 though, before than I was too young). I only ever used the pistols when I was a young under adult supervision, but my father made sure that from a young age I knew how to use a gun and that I knew gun safety. The only guns I have now are my paintball markers.

I think knives and guns are part of being a guy. (girls can play with them as well, but boys really like weapons). Over Easter I went bow hunting with my nephew, he loved it. My nieces however were horrified.

[Gabby]

I have two children 11 and 14.

Age to allow TV watching:

We didn't have cable until my first child was 5 and the second 2 but allowed them to watch Disney or similar movies fairly unrestrictive depending on if it was a down day at home or not. Generally we didn't have a lot of time for just sitting and watching. Places to go and things to do, plus they started going to school at age 3. Now the tv is regulated by homework and after school activities. If they have their homework done and no after school lessons then they can choose to watch or play video games or go on the computer or read if they want.

[Age to use computer:

The kids got their own computer about 4 years ago but the internet didn't work reliably until just this past Dec. Because of school projects, the internet became a real need. Just this year my son was allowed join Runescape, an online game and my daughter was allowed to get MSN and facebook. She has to have me allowed as a friend though.

Age to use the Internet:

Because of school projects, grade 6 for internet (11yo). Chat programs and such, grade 8 (14 yo)

Age to have a cell phone (with/without camera?):

Grade 6, when they start to spend more and more time over at school friends houses with parents I don't know except casually.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):

If she asks for it, I don't see a problem.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):

If there is a room, right from the beginning. I believe they should have a place of their own, if possible but that not because of gender.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):

From the beginning if possible.

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?) It's not because she is afraid of monsters or has bad dreams, but I think she just plain prefers to sleep with her mom.

In the parents bed, I'd never start it. If a parent was to stay with them in their own room then probably 8/9ish, depending on the child and reasons they are there.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: (i.e. when to start getting serious about modesty and 'protecting' one's self) I ask because I know a couple people on tweb who don't like such things and are basically in-home nudists in that regard, they don't care about such modesty, though probably more so in public. So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?

Depending. If it was a 6 - 8 year old (there will be a time when they refuse which is a good indication) with a 2 or 3 year old sibling no worries, if it was an mother with a 3/4 year old girl, no worries, ditto with father and son. Father/daughter about 3/4.

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):

Depends on the weapon. Small pocket knife, 10 yo. Something bigger like a hunting knife it would depend on their training. No training, no hunting knife, same goes for guns.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:

With people who I know and am comfortable with, when ever the child wants and is welcome. With friends where I've only met the parents once or twice or who are only aquaitances, Jr High.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?

Sleep over parties, never. Just regular parties, no worries but there needs to be a parent around.

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?

If it's just crude language for the sake of being crude they'll be told to stop. No taking God's or Jesus' name in vain I'd much rather they use the f-bomb than using God or Jesus in that manner and I've told them that.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?

I depends on why it's rated the way it is. Sexually explicite I'll monitor much closer than for language, plus the type of violence matters.

Rules about music?

Not much. No labels with content warnings til their at least 17/18.

What about chores and giving allowance?

We give a dollar a year per week. So our 11 year old gets 11.00 a week. 20% of that is to go in the collection plate and then the remaining is split 60/40. The 40% goes to their savings and the 60% is spending money. Chores are not based on allowance as I believe every member of the family must help and contribute to the well being of the family, it's their duty.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk".

Before grade 4, when the questions come, and then start when they're in grade 4 because that is when the schools start their programs. The schools always give an opt out option and I let my kids decide whether or not they want to attend. So far only my daughter opted out of grade 5 but has taken it since.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?

No exclusive dating until 16. If they hook up as boyfriend/girlfriend in school, no worries.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol? What if you the parent drink or smoke, what do you tell your kids about it?

Yes, I came from family where drinking was done openly and responsibly. Drinking wasn't a big taboo mystery thing and I was allowed to taste. My husband came from a family where drinking was a sin and those who drank were sinning. To this day all three siblings drink but have to hide it from their parents. I don't want my kids to grow up feeling they have to hide to drink and believe they need good role models when it comes to drinking. Drugs, most definitely, especially with my daughter as the drugs are being disguised as candy now.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline? I personally like the idea, I know of nobody who was every really messed up by it when used right.

yes, but only until they were about 7/8, but they'll still get a slap to the back of the head now and then especially my son.

Age to be responsible for a pet:

They can't be totally (where you don't have to remind them or buy food, look after health issues, ect) responsible for a pet until they are older, like 17/18, but I think pets are a good idea and teach them valuable lessons.

[Vigilante]

Thanks again everybody. A couple more issues to ponder.

I'm surprised at how many think children should have their own room, I don't take that stance at all. Well, I mean it might be nice after 11-12 or during the beginning of the awkward years. But certainly toddlers and kindies don't require their own space?
I mean, "privacy" is a big thing, but what does that even mean? Privacy to sit about naked or play with yourself? I assume not. Privacy to occasionally change one's outfit? That hardly requires the need to have your own bedroom. Otherwise what requires privacy? You don't need privacy to read a book or color, just some quiet.

I take the opposite, I think sharing is excellent, because there is a level of accountability so nobody gets in trouble, they'll watch their behavior closer lest anybody see. The children keep each other company, play games, and generally entertain and enjoy each other.
What does a child do by themselves? Read? Dance to a CD alone?
I had only one roommate, my closest brother, and man we got on each other's nerves occasionally, but that doesn't outweigh all the awesome fun we had recording and doing music stuff, games, inventing ways to entertain, contests, building things, we choreographed martial arts fights and had other fighting games, helped each other discuss school subjects and talk through issues. The list goes on and on. If I had my own room, I'd sit around and draw all day, or whatever.
So anyway, I think sharing is great, despite the occasional fighting. However, by age 11 to 13, you start to own fancier things, things you buy with your own money, things you don't want people to touch. You have more clothes, more creations hanging on the walls, and it's about time you need your own space to spread out and maintain sanity.
And on the other hand, I don't find it absolutely necessary to have one's own room ever, while living with parents. I would not want to make parents feel guilty for bunking teenagers together because they can't afford a house like the Brady Bunch have. I think they'll have to get along, and they can learn to like it and maintain their space and be friends. I certainly see no absolute rule that kids have to have their own rooms, if the situation can't allow for it, I don't think parents should feel they are bad for not having the ability to provide it.

Another issue is the drinking. I wouldn't call it a sin or anything, surely not, but I think letting your kids drink before the recommended 21 is not that good. Simply because lets face it, teenagers are not responsible enough and could possibly abuse it outside the home. It's one thing to allow a taste, it's another to allow them to drink with a command "just don't drink to much". Cause what does that mean? No doubt they will end up at friends' houses or at parties where people will be drinking, and no rule will surpass the pressure to fit in and be cool. I think if they were dedicated to abstain until the legal age, it would be easier for them then if they are allowed to and simply told not to drink to much. Then "oh just one more" becomes so enticing. Whereas if they are simply not allowed, they can have some safety in "just say no".
I come from a background of alcohol=sin. Not unjustified though, my grandmother (mom's mom) was a raging abusive alcoholic, often leaving my mom to fend for herself to get food and whatnot, often moving, she would even offer herself to pay for rent and whatnot. My uncle, mom's brother, would often just leave for days and not come home, no big deal, no care. My mom was raised (in the proper sense) more by her grandma, as they watched my grandmother basically kill herself with it and died in her 50s I think, maybe touching 60s. So quite naturally we became a violently non-alcoholic home. To start drinking would be heart breaking to my mom, who will naturally envision the worst for us and her grandkids.
In my home, all I can say to my kids is that drinking can lead to untold horrors. But at the same time, I won't say it's a sin or anything, but that it just has no benefit, and to many problems could come from it. There won't be alcohol in my house, unless my wife and I enjoy wine or some such for romance or cooking. Something mild. I just know the issue of alcohol won't be a "well if they want to try, no big deal" kind of thing. In our family it has always been a huge deal. I don't buy in to the "social drinking" thing, but that's me.


Peace

[Gabby]

sharing is not true sharing if it is enforced from the outside and if one does not truly posses the item as their own they cannot share in the truest sense of the word, they can only borrow.

Personally I believe empathy is a better principle to be taught and comes before sharing.

I won't press the point of alcohol, but I will say this. In 1990 hubby and I went to Germany to visit family and were invited to a young adult birthday party. I was totally impressed with the way they conducted themselves. There was no "adult" to supervise and they had all types of alcohol and drinks available. They drank, but they drank reasonably and not just to get wasted. I had never been to a young adult party in the states where alcohol was available were it wasn't understood that you drink to "get drunk" and stoned witless. I truly think that it is because of the difference in attitudes over alcohol between the U.S. and Europe.

Anyways, that's just mho.

[Raphael]

I myself don't drink from personal choice (did way more than enough when I was a student), I don't think it is sinful to drink (in moderation of course). We won't be bringing our kids up to think alcohol is evil, we will talk to them of the dangers of alcohol, and once they are over the legal drinking age, should they choose to drink, that is fine. As long as they're not abusing alcohol, I won't object.

[SteveF]

Another issue is the drinking. I wouldn't call it a sin or anything, surely not, but I think letting your kids drink before the recommended 21 is not that good. Simply because lets face it, teenagers are not responsible enough and could possibly abuse it outside the home. It's one thing to allow a taste, it's another to allow them to drink with a command "just don't drink to much". Cause what does that mean? No doubt they will end up at friends' houses or at parties where people will be drinking, and no rule will surpass the pressure to fit in and be cool. I think if they were dedicated to abstain until the legal age, it would be easier for them then if they are allowed to and simply told not to drink to much. Then "oh just one more" becomes so enticing. Whereas if they are simply not allowed, they can have some safety in "just say no".

Well, speaking from my own and friends experience, I don't think this is the case. Drinking age here is 18 and growing up as a teenager, my parents let me have glasses of wine or a beer with meals, that kind of thing. This way I was introduced to alcohol gently and in a mature fashion and so I was less tempted to go out and get absolutely wasted aged 15.

[Vigilante]

But isn't it addictive?
I mean, "learning" to drink in moderation wouldn't matter if one becomes addicted and can't be away from it.

I heard it said that some people can drink in moderation, socially, whatever, and then some people just can't ever stop.

I guess my fear is that at whatever time they try it out, they'll become alcoholics by addiction, not by irresponsibility. Maybe I'm wrong.

[JonLanceBarker]

But isn't it addictive?
I mean, "learning" to drink in moderation wouldn't matter if one becomes addicted and can't be away from it.

I heard it said that some people can drink in moderation, socially, whatever, and then some people just can't ever stop.

I guess my fear is that at whatever time they try it out, they'll become alcoholics by addiction, not by irresponsibility. Maybe I'm wrong.

If at any point they exhibit signs of addiction....withdraw the addictor.

[JonLanceBarker]

Age to allow TV watching:
If we have TV (as opposed to just movies), I'd let them watch stuff like PBS right away...stuff like cartoons comes later.

Age to use computer:
Old enough to learn how to type.

Age to use the Internet:
About 8-10, but no hard and fast rules here.

Age to have a cell phone:
Old enough to read and figure out the buttons.

Bikini as a swimsuit? (only younger, only when older, never?):
Older. Late teens. I would actually discourage them on principle.

Age to gender split bedrooms (i.e. no boy/girl sibling room sharing):
As early as possible.

Age to get own room (is this ever a must anyway?):
I still don't have my own room. (Then again, I live in a family of 9.)

Age to stop allowing kid to sleep with parent (do you ever demand they have to stay in their own room? Example I know is an 11 year old girl who will switch beds almost every night, is there a problem with that? And what is it?)
11? I'd say, encourage "your own bed" from the very beginning, start putting them back at about 3-4.

Age to stop group baths or showers or allow undie/topless streaking through the house: So how important is it for kids not to see their siblings or parents naked? Is there an age limit, or is it never at all?
Umm...serious enforcement starts at about 5-6. But enforce before then too.

Age to own weapons like knives, guns (BB or pellet etc):
BB/pellet gun...10-11ish. Knife....13-15ish. Real guns...you better be good with the other ones first.

Age to allow sleepovers in non-family homes:
8-10ish.

I was going to ask about boy/girl parties, but this doesn't seem to be an issue these days as most parents I know have both at birthday parties and what not. So do you make any rules in this regard?
Not really, so long as the parties make everyone comfortable (no girly games for the boys, etc.).

Rules about swearing? Do you mind if your kids pick up your own language?
Age-appropriateness is key. I don't want a 6-year-old dropping the F-bomb, but at a certain age the rules get silly. For teens, I don't mind the D-word, the H-word, or the S-word much, but no denigrating slurs, no F-bombs, and no Lord's-names, please.

Do you follow movie ratings or prescreen every movie? Just watch all movies with your kids and answer questions later? Or only buy super-safe movies until they are much older?
Let me put it this way: By now, my 6-year-old brother has probably seen every PG-13 movie we own. (Usually, it's for violence.)

Rules about music?
Not too loud, not too profane, and preferably not of the antisocial variety.

What about chores and giving allowance?
You want allowance? Do your chores.

OK, can't get away without asking when to have "the talk". You let the schools do it? You have a set age? You wait until you see signs or get asked? I actually heard it said that doing this is funny because chances are good whenever you think it's time, your child already knows more about it then their parents. I also heard Focus on the Family talk about having a more generic "before puberty" talk that doesn't even encompass that talk because it's more important to warn your child about some important changes that are going to happen in their life. So how do you handle one of the more important child development issues?
Do what my parents did: Get a few storybooks and info books about it. Start early.

Age to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend". When they are younger, they can have friends of opposite sex, but at what age is conversation about bf/gf become more serious and real? When do you start crossing the line of distinction between a guy friend or a boyfriend?
I would discourage a high school relationship but can live with a little harmless dating (of the harmless kind!). I draw the line at relationships under 13.

Do you have a talk about drugs or alcohol?
Drugs? Don't do them, here's why. Alcohol? Here, have a little wine or beer with dinner. Drink responsibly, kids.

To spank or not to spank? In other words, does physical punishment play a necessary role in serious discipline?
Yes, but after about 13 it gets kinda old and may backfire.

Age to be responsible for a pet:
Depends on the pet. Fish, hamster, cat, etc.; about 7-9. Dogs, snakes, lizards...about 10-12. Tarantula, scorpion, parrot...teens...maybe.

[SteveF]

But isn't it addictive?
I mean, "learning" to drink in moderation wouldn't matter if one becomes addicted and can't be away from it.

I heard it said that some people can drink in moderation, socially, whatever, and then some people just can't ever stop.

I guess my fear is that at whatever time they try it out, they'll become alcoholics by addiction, not by irresponsibility. Maybe I'm wrong.

It is addictive, but most people who drink aren't addicts. A glass of wine once a week when your 15 is highly highly unlikely to lead to addiction. What is more likely to lead to problems is binge drinking when you are in your teens, away from adult supervision. Introducing a child to drink in a mature way is more likely to avoid this.

Of course, I'm not saying parents have to take this approach. I just think it's one possible option..

[Vivian]

Vigilante,

You seem like a loving guy who will seek to do what is best for his child(ren).

If I might offer a warning about generalizations - this is how 4 years olds, or teenagers are, and this is what they need.

Each child is a unique being and most, at least in one way, will not fit into these 'generalizations'.

If have witnessed many a teen becoming estranged from their parents, because their parents raised a generalized child - applying generalities even when the uniquenesses of their special child were glaringly obvious, and so they never felt known by their parents and loved for the special creation they are.

For example, by the time your child is a teen, you should know if they have an addictive personality or not, know if they are at risk, and so know how to give them specialized advice about alcohol, or anything, that is uniquely applicable to them, personally, and not some generalized advice for a generalized teen.

It is good that you think of these things now. I wager though that by the time your child 'gets there' - arrives to that point in their life where they need this or that guidance, you will have changed your attitude toward this or that 3 or 4 times.





Viv

[Vigilante]

Vigilante,

You seem like a loving guy who will seek to do what is best for his child(ren).

If I might offer a warning about generalizations - this is how 4 years olds, or teenagers are, and this is what they need.

Each child is a unique being and most, at least in one way, will not fit into these 'generalizations'.

If have witnessed many a teen becoming estranged from their parents, because their parents raised a generalized child - applying generalities even when the uniquenesses of their special child were glaringly obvious, and so they never felt known by their parents and loved for the special creation they are.

For example, by the time your child is a teen, you should know if they have an addictive personality or not, know if they are at risk, and so know how to give them specialized advice about alcohol, or anything, that is uniquely applicable to them, personally, and not some generalized advice for a generalized teen.

It is good that you think of these things now. I wager though that by the time your child 'gets there' - arrives to that point in their life where they need this or that guidance, you will have changed your attitude toward this or that 3 or 4 times.


Viv

Yes I made a disclosure about that in the OP. It's hard to put an age cap on these things, so if a person didn't want to give an age, they could suggest what signs to look for instead. In other words, instead of having "the talk" at precisely 8 or 9, they would wait for signs of puberty starting, or wait until the child seems overly curious about things, etc... Rather then a set age.
However, people cannot meaningfully converse about topics if every answer to every question is "it depends". Then we get nowhere. We must have some generalizations in order to converse about things.


I'm quite sure, Viv, that when the time comes, I'll be almost entirely wrong about everything I think about kids!


Peace

[Vivian]

Yes I made a disclosure about that in the OP. It's hard to put an age cap on these things, so if a person didn't want to give an age, they could suggest what signs to look for instead. In other words, instead of having "the talk" at precisely 8 or 9, they would wait for signs of puberty starting, or wait until the child seems overly curious about things, etc... Rather then a set age.
However, people cannot meaningfully converse about topics if every answer to every question is "it depends". Then we get nowhere. We must have some generalizations in order to converse about things.


I'm quite sure, Viv, that when the time comes, I'll be almost entirely wrong about everything I think about kids!


Peace

Now that is what will make you a great parent, vigilante!

I take a bit of a different approach to parenting - that it is a team effort headed up by my husband and I, but a key player in the team is the child him or her self.

We don't punish.

Here I am towards the end of parenting realizing that -other than attempts in the early years with time outs and the spanking spoken of earlier - my children are not punished.

They never do anything that warrants punishment.

Instead of punishment, in our house we practice forgiveness - we for our children and our children for us. Everyone being honest with themselves and others about what is going on with them - why they might be cranky or whatever, and then we together learn how to treat others, no matter what, with respect and love.

My children are A students, loved by teachers and administrators and most importantly by friends and by the parents of their friends - who vie to get our children into their homes, from what they share, to set a good example for their own kids.

Through years of growing I have come to learn that the rod to not be spared is not a whipping stick, but a measure of authority and responsibility, given by God. Holding the rod means having the God-given responsibility for developing wisdom and applying it.

I have also learned that what ever success is seen in my children is of their doing - I simply provided a safe, secure, loving environment where they could grow to become their already beautiful, wonderful selves.

Like in the parable of the mustard seed. What they are to become is already imprinted in them and my job as parent is to make sure they receive all the sun, and water and soil that they need so that they may blossom fully.






Viv

[Raphael]

Age to allow TV watching:
If we have TV (as opposed to just movies), I'd let them watch stuff like PBS right away...stuff like cartoons comes later.

May I disagree slightly there. PBS isn't going to interest a prechooler that much. but channels like Disney's Playhouse, which consists of educational cartoons, has my daughter absolutely mesmerised. And all the shows are teaching preschoolers numbers, letters, counting, shapes, odd-ones out etc.

It depends on the type of cartoons that are being watched. DragonballZ, or Pokemon isn't educational, and shouldn't be watched by a toddler (no problems with the shows, but they need to be age appropriate).