Age Gap Relationships/When are we Ready for Relationships?

[CodewordConduit]

This was inspired by Fred Flanders' thread about him fancying a 15 year old when he was 27.

I became pregnant at 17 to a bloke who was 42 at the time. We had been living together for a bit first. At the time I believed myself to be emotionally and intellectually mature enough to handle such a relationship - which in retrospect was ridiculously naive. We were engaged at one point, but I saw sense and broke it off, for numerous reasons. He treated me like an errant teenager (which I was) and definitely not like a respected equal.

It's been two and a half years since we split, and we actually get along much better now. I call him a perv, though, when we're talking in a relaxed way; because - really - I was little more than a child, and he totally capitalized on the situation. He admits that if a bloke did a similar thing with our daughter he'd break his neck.

What are people's experiences and thoughts on age gap relationships?

Also, how do we know that we're mature enough to actually be in a relationship based on equality and mutual respect?

I would venture my personal philosophy:

When you can function reasonably on your own - steady personal income, an ability to do your own household chores; then you can enter a relationship without being a drag on the other person. It would probably also be helpful to have enough money saved to contribute half towards a deposit on some capital as well.

I am not mature enough for a relationship yet

I would be a drag on a mature partner, and probably be dragged down by anyone immature, at least that's how I see it.

[Zero Tolerance]

What are people's experiences and thoughts on age gap relationships?

Also, how do we know that we're mature enough to actually be in a relationship based on equality and mutual respect?

I would venture my personal philosophy:

When you can function reasonably on your own - steady personal income, an ability to do your own household chores; then you can enter a relationship without being a drag on the other person. It would probably also be helpful to have enough money saved to contribute half towards a deposit on some capital as well.

I am not mature enough for a relationship yet

I would be a drag on a mature partner, and probably be dragged down by anyone immature, at least that's how I see it.

I can't address the first question because I never gave it any thought. I only know that historically speaking, partners being of comparable age is a modern phenomenon. In fact, it was common practice for an OLDER gentleman to marry a girl who had basically just started to menstruate. After all, an older man would be (all those qualifiers in your personal philosophy) financially established, which is all that mattered (because you didn't have the programs that we have in place now to aid the poor). Of course, women were at the mercy of their husbands, too. I imagine that even now, a younger girl would be at the mercy of the older male.

Taking your "personal philosophy" into consideration, my wife and I wouldn't have married at the ages of 21 and 20. I had no degree, no job, no credit, when we tied the knot, and she had even less.


Marriage for love is also a modern phenomenon....

[Pilgrim]

The most successful marriages are ones that start later in life. The percentage of non divorce goes way up after 25. There's something to dealing with issues of age and maturity before getting hitched.

i fell for a girl when I was 25. I assumed she was at least close to that. It turned out she was actually 19 and still in school. Her parents approved of the dating so we continued for a while but it was clear eventually that we were just at two different stages with different expectations and wants. She was just beginning to stretch and I was just beginning to want to settle down.

She remains a very cool person but I'm glad we didn't pursue anything further.

The reality, though, is that some age differences don't really matter. But those are, in general, the exception not the rule. You hear stories of big age differences being successful but by and large those are anecdotal and not reflective of the over all picture. (I say this as someone educated for and engaged in pre marital and marriage counseling.)

The reasons that such marriages have a lower success rate are common sense ones: maturity, goals, expectations, experience. Especially for a young girl who gets involved with a much older man. Immediately she is unequally yoked in many cases as the relationship more closely resembles a parent child relationship as she is completely dependent in every way on the man for every need from shelter to food even to personality development that you would typically develop over many years in many different relationships (romantic as well as non romantic) as you worked out your own sense of self.

So my advice is to wait. Wait until after college at least.

[Jin-Roh]

I think I can agree Pilgrim.

Also, I have admit this. The older I get (now past 25) the more I realize that maturity doesn't correlate with age like you think it should. I known several people in the 23-24 range that still act like eighteen year-olds living in their first apartment. (One of their mothersacts like "one of the girls" in this respect too!) Yet I've also met 19-year olds who act very mature in their relationships and other aspects of life.

Because of this, I am personally trying harder and harder not to judge girls' by their ages. I have misjudged those younger than I more than once, to my regret.

Regarding you situation it sounds like a classic case of "being naive" which you have already courageously admitted. I also think you are right about what maturity level you should have before getting into a relationship. Knowing how to handle money I think is a big sign of maturity in our society.

[mossrose]

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 25. We were married when I was 18 and he was 27.

We are going to celebrate our 37th anniversary in January.

[Pilgrim]

There are always great stories like that.

[mossrose]

Yep.

I don't advocate it for everybody, that's for sure.

[Darth Executor]

9 years is a drop in the sea when you're a billion.

[Brandalf85]

9 years is a drop in the sea when you're a billion.

a billion? That's being kind, DE.

[ApologiaPhoenix]

So my advice is to wait. Wait until after college at least.

Do you mean until you have one degree? Some of us do pursue higher education after college after all.

[CodewordConduit]

I can't address the first question because I never gave it any thought. I only know that historically speaking, partners being of comparable age is a modern phenomenon. In fact, it was common practice for an OLDER gentleman to marry a girl who had basically just started to menstruate.

Aye, true enough pretty much the world over.

After all, an older man would be (all those qualifiers in your personal philosophy) financially established, which is all that mattered (because you didn't have the programs that we have in place now to aid the poor).

Yes, and back then women didn't have access to contraceptives, so couldn't be relied upon as steady workers because of pregnancy issues. Thus confined to the house, I suppose they were most productive when organizing the running of a household and waiting upon their lucky husbands. Coupled with lower life expectancy and the value placed upon the head of a virgin (no DNA tests back then) it makes perfect sense for things to have run that way "back in the day" - especially in poorer families where a girl couldn't earn but would be costing money for her upkeep.

Of course, women were at the mercy of their husbands, too. I imagine that even now, a younger girl would be at the mercy of the older male.

I believe this to be true as well.

Taking your "personal philosophy" into consideration, my wife and I wouldn't have married at the ages of 21 and 20. I had no degree, no job, no credit, when we tied the knot, and she had even less.

This is the closest I've ever come to proof of God's existence

Good on you two though.

Marriage for love is also a modern phenomenon....

I agree - but I suspect that "love" is not feeling like you should be frequently copulating, although that may well get a couple through the first year or so. It's probably more the result of beneficial symbiosis (sp?) that deepens over time. It's probably more important to hold a deep respect for your partner-to-be; for them to have an untarnished reputation in society (this aids trust, helps to squash jealousy); and to know in your heart of hearts that you don't consider them to be "inferior" to you on an intellectual or indeed physical basis, than it is to be blinded by hormones.

That's just my opinion from my limited experience, and probably misses some key points

Pilgrim: I agree with everything you wrote :)

Jin-Roh:

Knowing how to handle money I think is a big sign of maturity in our society.

Definitely, from my experience. Without knowing how to handle money, you pretty much have to depend on someone else to do your finances for you. I ended up in horrific debt after I left my partner because I had no idea how to budget. Despite having had my own place previously, I'd had so much more disposable income before my daughter came along that I never had to worry about bills, I just paid on my debit card and the money was always in the bank.

It takes a certain "independent" frame of mind to even be able to face the bills. This has recently been achieved by me (hurrah!) after some kind support from a friend. I'm one step closer to being an actual grown-up, Jin

(Good news for the young 'un if nothing else...)

[CodewordConduit]

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 25. We were married when I was 18 and he was 27.

We are going to celebrate our 37th anniversary in January.

Congrats, he picked a good 'en from what I can see - you're lovely :)


My first boyfriend was 23 when I was 16, and although our conversations were interesting and he could get me served in pubs (wahey!), I was terrified of the "experience" that I assumed he must have, stupid because I assured him that I was "experienced" - lies, all high school lies - and ended up breaking it off in quite an abrupt manner before things went into unchartered territory.

We're friends now though, and we have a laugh about it

[mossrose]

Congrats, he picked a good 'en from what I can see - you're lovely :)


My first boyfriend was 23 when I was 16, and although our conversations were interesting and he could get me served in pubs (wahey!), I was terrified of the "experience" that I assumed he must have, stupid because I assured him that I was "experienced" - lies, all high school lies - and ended up breaking it off in quite an abrupt manner before things went into unchartered territory.

We're friends now though, and we have a laugh about it

Thank you.

As I said before, this type of relationship doesn't work for everybody. A lot of things lined up right for us, and there has been no regret or desire for change over the years. The Lord has blessed our lives together, and we thank Him for His presence with us, through all the good times and the bad times.

[Pilgrim]

Do you mean until you have one degree? Some of us do pursue higher education after college after all.

Well it depends on the person I think but I was thinking more of the age of college then actually getting a college degree. After 25 the success rate of marriages goes way up. I mean way up. But of course, we all know people who were younger who were married 70 years or more and people who were older who divorced in the first year. All that to say that statistics don't define any individual.

Mrs. Pilgrim and I got married during our seminary days. During a reading week. We were 27. 12 years later and one child and we're still having fun. That's another thing. marriage, children, job searching, house hunting, each of these is a particular kind of stress. A lot of times a couple will get into all of them at one time, as young newly weds. That kind of stress takes a toll on people. Success rates go way up when couples wait at least 5 years for the first child. It's hard to balance all that other stuff you do as you begin life together for the first time when kids are there right away.

Having said all that, you're the kind of guy who seems to have lots of good guidance all around you and mentoring so you'll probably get good advice from those close to you when the time comes. Honestly, I can't imagine you having anything but a good marriage from all I've seen from you over the past several years.

[Pilgrim]

@ Zero. Marriage for love is a modern thing and that's why similar ages becomes more important. Those marriages that were arranged or forced were often time ones of coercion that were not necessarily very happy ones especially for the young girl. But what choice did she have in a society that was patriarchal?

Since that model is no longer the prevailing one women can think about happiness as well as security. I think that's a good thing.