Dealing with quick tempers and anger issues, does scripture reference this problem

[princesa]

I know there is a passage that states "Be slow to anger" but in applying that to practical living for someone who's prone to a quick rise in blood pressure at spouse,children etc....how do actually do that? Is it just a matter of "catching yourself" at that moment, walking away, deep breaths.....or is there an additional step Christians should take to be a more calm and peaceful person who is slow to anger. I've always admired people who appear to be so calm, are they born that way? Does it mean their slackers? I'm always on edge and sometimes get upset rather quickly with my spouse and children b/c things aren't done correctly/on time etc....but now I'm "catching myself" and bite my tongue. But I still "feel" upset although it does go away eventually. Is that it? Just "catching yourself" in those moments and then forcing yourself to hold back on negative commentary and then it will get easier? Anyone deal with this or know someone who has successfully changed their bad temper?

[Cow Poke]

Anyone deal with this or know someone who has successfully changed their bad temper?

As part of a ministerial seminar I attended, one of the breakout sessions was on anger. I had a guy in my church who had real anger issues, so i attended that session.

The guy who was leading the conference was a retired Marine combat pilot - let's call him Bob... he told about a terrible temper he had. His boss, the base commander, called him in one day because he had a complaint that Bob had slapped his wife, and a neighbor filed a complaint. The base commander talked to him about anger. Bob said he just couldn't help it, that he had tried everything.

His boss asked him, "Bob, have you ever been angry at me?" Bob said, of COURSE I have!

Boss asked "have you ever wanted to HIT me?". Bob said, of COURSE I have, but I would never do that!

Boss asked "why not"... Bob said, "because you'd have my STARS" (meaning a demotion in rank)

Boss asked... "is your wife as important to you as your stars? Is your wife more important to you than I am?"

Bob said "it all of a sudden hit me... if I can CONTROL my anger and not hit my BOSS... and my wife is somebody I truly love... I can control my anger when I talk to HER"
He continued.. "it occurred to me that I CAN control my anger.. it's just a matter of how important the target of my anger is".

[princesa]

wow, how true. I don't think I can ever not think of this example ever again. Thanks CP, that was wonderfully put and very useful.

[Cow Poke]

Now for the Scripture...
Here are some of my favorite "Anger Management from Proverbs" verses....

(Prov 14:17 KJV) He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.

(Prov 15:1 KJV) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

(Prov 15:18 KJV) A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.

(Prov 16:32 KJV) He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

(Prov 19:11 KJV) The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

(Prov 20:2 KJV) The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul.

(Prov 21:14 KJV) A gift in secret pacifieth anger: and a reward in the bosom strong wrath.

(Prov 21:19 KJV) It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

(Prov 22:8 KJV) He that soweth iniquity shall reap vanity: and the rod of his anger shall fail.

(Prov 22:24 KJV) Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:

(Prov 27:4 KJV) Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?

(Prov 29:22 KJV) An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.



ETA: OK, I can't help it.. .i'm gonna be naughty... here are two other verses from Proverbs...

(Prov 21:9 KJV) It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

(Prov 25:24 KJV) It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.

[Darth Executor]

I counted to ten to lose my anger. Then I counted back to 1 and found it again.

[princesa]

I counted to ten to lose my anger. Then I counted back to 1 and found it again.

that might've been a joke but that happens to me, the more i think about the problem (while breathing deeply and stepping away from the situation) the more reasons I tell myself that I'm right after all and then the blood boils again. But still, in my case it's losing my patience with my kids so it's different from being angry with my spouse (i.e) b/c in that case the kids really are innocently just being annoying and are innocent bystanders to my moods whereas hubby does things to upset me purposely and I don't have it in me to just walk away, I want to let him have it.

[themuzicman]

Anger is often the result of either a perceived catastrophic failure to meet expectations (one's own or others), or the exposure of an insecurity in oneself. Often both.

Forget what any stranger thinks. Do the right thing. Most of the people you come across either understand, or are judgmental idiots who don't know or have forgotten what having kids is like.

So, when you get angry, explore it a bit. What expectation wasn't met? Is it valid? Do I feel insecure about something? What? Should I feel insecure about that? What should I do to change these things?

Often this is fixed by realizing that insecurity results from unreal expectations that we perceive from others. When we learn to give up caring what strangers think, many of our insecurities simply go away.

Michael

[princesa]

Anger is often the result of either a perceived catastrophic failure to meet expectations (one's own or others), or the exposure of an insecurity in oneself. Often both.

Forget what any stranger thinks. Do the right thing. Most of the people you come across either understand, or are judgmental idiots who don't know or have forgotten what having kids is like.

So, when you get angry, explore it a bit. What expectation wasn't met? Is it valid? Do I feel insecure about something? What? Should I feel insecure about that? What should I do to change these things?

Often this is fixed by realizing that insecurity results from unreal expectations that we perceive from others. When we learn to give up caring what strangers think, many of our insecurities simply go away.

Michael

Thanks Michael, .....there are unfortunately a great many situations in which I find myself ready to be abrupt in anger and rare is the moment when I step back and try to evaluate the situation. Such was the case yesterday, my 2nd grader received a 40% on her math test. She also got a %100 and 98% on her english test. I congratulated her on her great scores on her 2 other tests and took out the math test to review the incorrect answers and go over them with her. It was around 7pm, I just came back from work and we hadn't had dinner. She wouldn't sit still on the sofa to focus on the question after telling her multiple times to sit still. The worst was asking her to subract 9 from 14 and watching her add out loud instead, count the wrong # of fingers, she was completely unfocused and it almost seemed deliberate.....the reason I became upset was b/c she's showed me the method before, she's done it successfully, she knew how to do it but she must've been tired (I know she was) b/c she was all over the place getting wrong answers constantly with the easiest questions I was trying to review. Anyway, yes I yelled at her and found myself getting angry. I put everything away and felt awful for yelling at her. I stepped outside myself and saw this neurotic, emotionally unstable woman yelling at a little girl. Ugh. That's when I realized I needed to take things a bit easier. Things got better later on and I told her mommy was sorry for screaming at her to pay attention. She knows this is not typical but it should never happen.

[themuzicman]

Keep in mind that different people have different strengths. Often those strong in English will be weak in math. They employ two different areas of the brain. it may take more time for your daughter to grasp the concepts of math. (What is she doing taking a test in the 2nd grade... another topic...)

And you are correct, kids get tired just like adults. They have bad days. Part of growing up is learning to deal with them.

Perhaps you could think about how you're modeling that for her....

Michael

[Cow Poke]

OK, gonna be real honest here...
My oldest daughter (daughter 1.0) brought quite a few "challenges"... I swear she used to stay up late at night thinking "what can I do to REALLY hack my dad major bigtime"... but many times.

And she knew how to "push my buttons". I remember more than a few times in the evening, I would tell my wife 1.0... "OK, i'm going to go into her room and talk to her... I am all prayed up, I am calm... I have had NO COFFEE.... .... I will very calmly state my position, then leave before it gets ugly."

Sure enough, I would walk in, and begin my calm talk, and she would either interrupt or ask a dumb question or... bottom line, I would end up all purple-faced and "hot under the collar" and all that ugly stuff, leave her room, slamming the door and stomp out to the living room where dear sweet wife 1.0 would say very calmly "i see that went well".

I can laugh now, but back then... yeah, that was about the only thing that could really send me over the top.

Muz hit the nail on the head... so many times it was unrealistic expectations... I was seeing things through a "spiritual" perspective, and "expected" her to do likewise, while her whole point of view was "worldly". The more I began to realize that MY expectations were askew... the easier it wast to have calm discussions UNDERSTANDING that she's not looking at her problems as "spiritual", but as "carnal". (the weapons of our warfare, etc...)

To THIS DAY, i can talk to her about nearly anything without even my blood pressure rising... wife 1.0.... not so much... wife 1.0 is so entirely frustrated with daughter 1.0 that she says "I can feel my blood pressure rising when she talks to me". Hence, I do the liaison work for the family.

[The Curtmudgeon]

To THIS DAY, i can talk to her about nearly anything without even my blood pressure rising... wife 1.0.... not so much... wife 1.0 is so entirely frustrated with daughter 1.0 that she says "I can feel my blood pressure rising when she talks to me". Hence, I do the liaison work for the family.

Send Wife-1.0 to talk to Bob.

The (don't get angry; get even) Curtmudgeon

[Cow Poke]

Send Wife-1.0 to talk to Bob.

The (don't get angry; get even) Curtmudgeon

I'm not THAT brave stupid, Curt. I shoulda had you suggest that when you were at my house!

(but GREAT idea)

[The Curtmudgeon]

I'm not THAT brave stupid, Curt. I shoulda had you suggest that when you were at my house!

(but GREAT idea)

Give her a hug for me, CP.

As for household anger issues, we had a ton of them, too. My sister was pretty much mad at the world for most of her first 20+ years, and took it out on everyone that came within punching, biting and/or screaming distance (the first two were mainly for me, the screaming for Mom and Grandmother -- although give my sister credit, she wasn't suicidal enough to scream at Grandmother very often). I won't play pseudo-psychoanalyst right now about the reasons for her behaviour, but I spent a lot of my childhood and youth in my bedroom with the door closed for good reasons.

To be somewhat trite about it, it took her growing up and moving out of the house to begin to get over it. Amazingly (to Mom and me, anyway), it wasn't all that long after she got married and moved out before she started talking with and even visiting us, just as if we were related or something. Before long, she was stopping by Mom's to visit every day after work. She and her husband got involved in a D&D gaming group that I was running, so they visited with me nearly every week, too. Nicely, I might add.

I know it's not very helpful, but sometimes it does just take time and a change in situation before we can properly deal with anger issues. That's not the way it should be done, of course; we should bring our anger under control even when it's not easy to do so. But being brutally honest, sometimes we fail at that.

Oh, yeah -- she's one of my closest friends now. We're working through a family situation right now where we're comforting each other and holding each other up. In retrospect, it always ... amuses ... me when we find ourselves in this kind of position -- but it's wonderful.

The ( hopefully I ended that on the right note, now that she's taken to reading TWeb more often ) Curtmudgeon

[princesa]

Give her a hug for me, CP.

As for household anger issues, we had a ton of them, too. My sister was pretty much mad at the world for most of her first 20+ years, and took it out on everyone that came within punching, biting and/or screaming distance (the first two were mainly for me, the screaming for Mom and Grandmother -- although give my sister credit, she wasn't suicidal enough to scream at Grandmother very often). I won't play pseudo-psychoanalyst right now about the reasons for her behaviour, but I spent a lot of my childhood and youth in my bedroom with the door closed for good reasons.

To be somewhat trite about it, it took her growing up and moving out of the house to begin to get over it. Amazingly (to Mom and me, anyway), it wasn't all that long after she got married and moved out before she started talking with and even visiting us, just as if we were related or something. Before long, she was stopping by Mom's to visit every day after work. She and her husband got involved in a D&D gaming group that I was running, so they visited with me nearly every week, too. Nicely, I might add.

I know it's not very helpful, but sometimes it does just take time and a change in situation before we can properly deal with anger issues. That's not the way it should be done, of course; we should bring our anger under control even when it's not easy to do so. But being brutally honest, sometimes we fail at that.

Oh, yeah -- she's one of my closest friends now. We're working through a family situation right now where we're comforting each other and holding each other up. In retrospect, it always ... amuses ... me when we find ourselves in this kind of position -- but it's wonderful.

The ( hopefully I ended that on the right note, now that she's taken to reading TWeb more often ) Curtmudgeon

lol, thanks for sharing your experience. What's most interesting in it's accuracy is that we (hubby and I) are in the process of finding a new home and moving out of this tiny apt and horrible neighborhood. It's strange how a town changes from one year to the next, but we are in quite a stressful situation. We always say "Once we move, we'll be calmer and then we can get on with our lives". Of course, we shouldn't wait to do so, but as you say, we fail frequently. thanks again.