Do We Think About Sex Too Much?
Is it on our minds too much?
The link can be found here.
Do we need to change our minds? Let's plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.
I remember years ago seeing someone on Facebook put up a status saying that the problem with our society is we think too much about sex. One can see his point. You turn on the TV and before too long, you see sex. You listen to our political debates, you hear sex. More and more people are living together before marriage. Sex is seen as a rite of passage for many men to show that they are indeed men. Sex is practically our national obsession. So surely the answer to the question is obvious.
The answer to the question is, no. We don't think too much about sex. I contend just the opposite. We think too little about sex.
"What? Are you crazy?! Look at what you just said! Look at what's on our TV sets! Look at what you see in the movies! Look at how sexually active our young people are! Look at how much people are having sex! Surely we're thinking too much about this!"
No. Not at all. We dream about it. We fantasize about it. We hope about it. We desire it. We just outright do it plenty. All of this is true, but we don't spend a lot of time really thinking about it. We don't really examine what the national obsession is and why we care about it so much.
To be sure, let me state I am never at all condemning strong sexual desire. I am a happily married man. You think I'm going to condemn sexual desire? No way. One of the great gifts of marriage is that you get to experience the fulfillment of this sexual desire. In fact, if you have strong, strong sexual desire, you should go and get married.
The question we need to ask is what is this great wonder that we are so amazed about? I find it amazing that we have spent so many years developing great tools for our entertainment. We have more channels on TV, more games we can play, more gadgets we can be amused with, etc. What is it that we still find ourselves so obsessed with? Sex. That is just what our great forerunners thousands of years ago were obsessed with. All the pleasures of the world and we still can't top the one from the beginning. Why is that?
Before I was married, there was something I thought odd about sex. Many of my fellow friends and I who were all waiting for marriage had this great and intense desire for something we were sure was very good, and we had no idea why we just seemed to instinctively know that. How can you have an intense longing for something that you've never had before? This is part of the mystery.
And what is it that we really want? A lot of women have a really simplistic view of men for instance. This is the view that all a man cares about is physical release and not emotional connection at all. The Unveiled Wife site had a recent article about an interview with her husband and it says "His answers will surprise you." You can read it here.
They might surprise you if you're a woman. Most husbands I know were reading it and going through and saying "Yeah. That's exactly what I would have said." As I read the article, I knew that that was exactly what I would have said as well. It wasn't breaking news. That a lot of women consider this a shock is something that I do find concerning.
Could it be we really want what could be called a transcendent experience? Could it be we truly want to be accepted by another totally? Could it be that sex is really built in so that each of us gets something we deeply desire? A man desires to be strong and respected and wanted. A woman desires to be loved and seen as beautiful. Sex gives us both.
We have spent so much time doing sex and treating it like just a hobby, instead of really thinking about it. This is especially so for us Christians. After all, sex is not our idea. It's God's. He made it. He set everything in motion. He built in the desire. He even gave us a book in Scripture all about the celebration of sex.
Earlier in the post, I indicated that we see sex everywhere and talk about it everywhere. Unfortunately, that isn't true. There is one place we don't do that. That is the church. In the church, sex is very often that forbidden topic. Sure, many of our men and some of our women are spending the week struggling with pornography. Sure. Many of our young people are thinking that any sexual expression is okay as long as it's in love and you don't hurt anyone and are living together and sexually active themselves. Sure, our church members are thinking about this topic and seeing it all around them and the public school system and the rest of the world has a message about sex, but that doesn't mean we need to talk about it.
There's a word for that. That word is "stupid."
If anything, the church should be talking about sex more than anyone else. We worship the God who created it. It is His gift to us. We are to handle it properly. We ought to be taught about the sacredness of sex. It's not something dirty, like many people believe. It's also not something just for men that women are to suffer through. Sex is holy and we as God's people ought to treat it as holy.
Unfortunately, many of us don't really think about sex at all, which is sadly the way we go through our Christianity. We go and sing songs and listen to sermons and read our Bibles, but we don't really think about what is going on. We go through the experience and we want the experience, but we don't think about it.
Perhaps today we should begin thinking better about both. If we're married, how can we better treat sex with our spouses? If we're single, we still have to honor sex properly, such as by realizing that unless we marry, we have to abstain from all sexual activity. We also have to promote sexual holiness with our fellow man, as in helping to build up marriages and come along side couples when thy have problems.
You know, be the church. We are to be the church in every area of our lives.
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You know this is one of the smartest things I have read. If you look at the statistical data lots of men in the church struggle with porn. Many others struggle with homosexual desires. Some have nympho mania. I didn't know anything about ex homosexual until I read a book by Joe Dallas who I learned about from you Mr Peters.
Sexual education is also horribly misguided. Not in attempting to spread abstinence but because it says nothing about the sexual organs, psychology, menstrual cycle, nothing. Thus is supposed to teach teenagers? It doesnt.
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I thought this was all of us....
Originally Posted by TheWall
Theologyweb's Official Grandfather
Myself, I prefer grown ups.
Originally Posted by Apologiaphoenix
Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
I take the term to mean someone who just really really likes sex.
Great topic Nick! Glad you had the courage to start it. I would like to express a few quick thoughts as a 50 something married for 30 years now.
Yes, I agree we definitely need to talk about it more in church...unfortunately, too many still think that it's not "church topic" material. I think that because of that, marriages in the church suffer unnecessarily.
You linked to the interview at the Unveiled Wife site. This article should be must reading for all wives IMHO. It points to the root of many problems we see in marriages today...that despite the "perceptions" men and women don't really see sex that much differently. Both want to be desired by their mate, both want intimacy not just sex.
But I think the problem starts with the message we are broadcasting as a society..."love me as I am, unconditionally". It sounds good, but I think it's the start of many problems in marriages today...and I think we in the church, with our emphasis on "till death do us part" have created a problem. Since we've promised before God to love honor and cherish, we think we don't have to try to be attractive to our spouses any longer...this is big mistake IMHBAO. I remember a quote from the Big Bang Theory, Leonard in response to a question about why he didn't try to do a particular thing to be more attractive responds: "I'm married I don't have to be attractive". One of the things I've found in looking at this is that married people have a tendency to not work on themselves any longer once they've "found that special one". But, even though the prevalent thing is that women aren't nearly as attracted to men by their looks, that's not really true...there are mitigating factors that can allow a "less" physically attractive man to be attractive but sometimes that is dampened by "domestic bliss" and the change in peoples attitudes after the knot is tied. I think this all leads directly to the pornography problem that is running rampant not just in the world, but in the church as well. The thing is, attraction isn't a rational, thinking through process, it's much more at a gut level, and when we let ourselves go, (speaking as a man, but this is in no way only men doing it) and THEN become more focused on relationship comfort, we tend to lose the thing(s) that made us and continues to makes us attractive. In William Harley Jr's excellent book "His Needs, Her Needs", Harley talks about the needs men and women need from their spouses, one them is how men need an attractive wife. I submit that women also want an attractive husband, so guys, hit the gym, lose some weight, eat better, it will go along way toward helping her be attracted to you, and you build attraction as well by showing her affection. But, when a man's wife lets herself go and gains weight, is always in sweats and no makeup, a man's attraction dips. The wedge starts to form in the marriage. So, (esp. in the church) instead of affair, porn becomes the "lesser of two evils" (the others being an affair and/or divorce) as men try to honor their marriage vows but don't desire their wife, and/or their wives doesn't desire them. I've heard this line uttered way to often in these instances...I love my spouse...but I'm not "IN" love with them.
"It is no sin to doubt some things but it may be fatal to believe everything." - A.W. Tozer
"... there are two parties in Washington, the stupid party and the evil party, who occasionally get together and do something both stupid and evil, and this is called bipartisanship." - Everett Dirksen
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One must first love the beast before the beast becomes loveable
I think the problem stems from a few things
1. Sex ed is not about the psychology, anatomy, or embryology. How is one supposed to understand Sex if not all of its aspects are taught?
2. The churches innatetiveness to porn.
According to the book "Christians are hate filled bigots and other lies you believe" porno graphs use can be found in pretty discouraging numbers. The use of porno graphs has been shown to decrease with church attendance however. It is a sin and an addiction and the church should outreach to people who have these problems.
3. Abstinence programs fail to give any real incentive.
People want to understand why things are sinful. Just saying something is often irritates people. Teenagers experiencing these things or even adults want not only to understand their libido but in the christian tradition want to see how it plays into gods plan for the world and themy.
4. The oxymoron of casual Sex
Sex is not casual. If anything it is the most intimate thing a man and woman can do as a married couple. Yet culture makes Sex out to just be an act and that condoms and such can make pregnancy related complications almost non existent. We also give pretty names to sexual sins. Affairs for adultery. Hooking up for fornication.
These are some of the issues I have.
Again I am not married. Just someone who feels that this is worthwhile to adress.
Thanks for the thoughts. LJ. Since you've been married, I hold that in a high respect. I don't think the problem is with the vows to love unconditionally and such. We should do that. The problem is that we've become so self-centered that we use that to our advantage. I think there's sadly a great tendency to take someone for granted. I don't understand the statement "I'm married, so I don't have to be attractive." I keep wanting to put my best foot forward. I do not have to have a spouse. She should keep loving me and such, but I should not take it for granted. I would say it's like someone who believes in eternal security. I don't, but if you do, that doesn't mean you say "Hey, I'm saved so I can sin all I want to." Instead, I try to live with great thankfulness. God didn't have to give me a wife but he did. Everything I try to have always be new. The privileges of having a spouse are not to be taken for granted.