In so many ways it seems God is unknowable. Yet he has chosen to reveal himself through his Word. And Jesus himself reveals to us who God is, for he himself is the definitive revelation of the Father. If we've seen Jesus we have seen the Father.
There are many questions in between. Is Scripture inerrant? Is it totally reliable? Can we trust the copyists didn't in some way corrupt the texts they were transcribing gradually over time in order to "correct" portions unfavorable to their theological agenda?
The foundational question is this: Who is God? I feel after so many years I have been chasing various rainbows and have come out realizing more and more with the passage of time how very little I know. This is the effect knowledge has had on me. I feel I know less now than I ever have. I began studying the theology because I hoped I would find the answers I was looking for but only more questions have been raised as a result. There's too many questions, too few answers. Everybody thinks they have answers, but I am more incredulous than ever. Am I skeptic? In a sense, yes. Am I an atheist or an unbeliever? No. I will tell you I do struggle with unbelief, but I assume God is the only answer even when I feel as if I have no answers. (This plea of ignorance can make a hardened atheist laugh, I'm sure.)
I am relatively young, but even though I haven't really been having fun the time has been passing faster than I imagined it would have. I do not know how much longer I have yet to live. Of course one can always die prematurely or far before we believe it is time for us to do so, but life may end at any moment. We find this hard to believe, but it is true. I realize most of my life has been wasted. I do not say that in bitterness or tears, but in truth.
Everything does appear quite meaningless apart from God. I find it difficult to view the universe from any other vantage point than my own. I know I am not unique in this. The world, however, does not revolve around or exist because of or for you or I strictly speaking. We are participants in a grander scheme. It seems the utter futility of life is intended to bring us groveling back to our Creator who also happens to be our Redeemer as well. It seems only when we are stripped of everything may we find our way to God. Of course he's been there all along.
I can think of the things I have wanted in my life, things and people I thought would make me happy (or at least tend to enrich it). At this point none of it seems of any great significance. We never become full trying to get full. This is the great irony. Much of my life has been a misery to me. It was not self-chosen; much it seemed to find me. Part of this may be attributed to genetics and upbringing. Of course we must also take responsibility for our decisions, but many of us get off on the wrong foot and find it nearly impossible to gain any traction. I suppose a lot of pain has served to humble me somewhat (not to brag or anything). I suppose I could be a lot worse than I am.
All this futility leads me back to God. I've learned what pretenders us humans are. It seems the only way to God is to be stripped of all pretense. Forgive us our pride, my pride. I am coming to see this virus infects us all. No one seems to be free of it. I despise it in others; why don't I despise it in myself? We can't fix anyone, even ourselves. I would really like to learn to repent and to make it my daily practice, but I always find some reason not to do it. Tomorrow would be a much better day for that. I'm at the point now where I don't know what repentance feels like. What is repentance? What is this change? It's a change that is to extend in all areas of one's life, a radical change. Repentance should affect one's feelings and affections, of course, but that cannot be the essence of repentance. But I guess I'm stuck on feelings even when I can't feel much of anything (like now). Old habits die hard.
When did I stop believing God was great? When did he become this conceptually amorphous impotent deity that resides somewhere in the back of my mind? Is Yahweh not the God who lives, the living God himself who created the heavens and the earth? Is he not the God who brought Israel out of Egypt? Is he not the God who gave his one and only Son so I might die to sin and live to righteousness? Why am I alive to sin and dead to righteousness, then? Something must change. I must change. So I pray for repentance and faith in Jesus Christ who saves. I call him Lord but I do not do what he says. I am the disciple who does not follow. What else can I ask for but grace? I have no demands I can make. So many words, so many vain words. I should ask for God to reveal himself to me for he is. Don't I already know? It seems as if I don't. Light has been lost, but the Light is still shining. I must repent before it's too late; not tomorrow, but today. I need to stop playing games. It seems so hard to see with eyes so dim. Open my eyes.
There are many questions in between. Is Scripture inerrant? Is it totally reliable? Can we trust the copyists didn't in some way corrupt the texts they were transcribing gradually over time in order to "correct" portions unfavorable to their theological agenda?
The foundational question is this: Who is God? I feel after so many years I have been chasing various rainbows and have come out realizing more and more with the passage of time how very little I know. This is the effect knowledge has had on me. I feel I know less now than I ever have. I began studying the theology because I hoped I would find the answers I was looking for but only more questions have been raised as a result. There's too many questions, too few answers. Everybody thinks they have answers, but I am more incredulous than ever. Am I skeptic? In a sense, yes. Am I an atheist or an unbeliever? No. I will tell you I do struggle with unbelief, but I assume God is the only answer even when I feel as if I have no answers. (This plea of ignorance can make a hardened atheist laugh, I'm sure.)
I am relatively young, but even though I haven't really been having fun the time has been passing faster than I imagined it would have. I do not know how much longer I have yet to live. Of course one can always die prematurely or far before we believe it is time for us to do so, but life may end at any moment. We find this hard to believe, but it is true. I realize most of my life has been wasted. I do not say that in bitterness or tears, but in truth.
Everything does appear quite meaningless apart from God. I find it difficult to view the universe from any other vantage point than my own. I know I am not unique in this. The world, however, does not revolve around or exist because of or for you or I strictly speaking. We are participants in a grander scheme. It seems the utter futility of life is intended to bring us groveling back to our Creator who also happens to be our Redeemer as well. It seems only when we are stripped of everything may we find our way to God. Of course he's been there all along.
I can think of the things I have wanted in my life, things and people I thought would make me happy (or at least tend to enrich it). At this point none of it seems of any great significance. We never become full trying to get full. This is the great irony. Much of my life has been a misery to me. It was not self-chosen; much it seemed to find me. Part of this may be attributed to genetics and upbringing. Of course we must also take responsibility for our decisions, but many of us get off on the wrong foot and find it nearly impossible to gain any traction. I suppose a lot of pain has served to humble me somewhat (not to brag or anything). I suppose I could be a lot worse than I am.
All this futility leads me back to God. I've learned what pretenders us humans are. It seems the only way to God is to be stripped of all pretense. Forgive us our pride, my pride. I am coming to see this virus infects us all. No one seems to be free of it. I despise it in others; why don't I despise it in myself? We can't fix anyone, even ourselves. I would really like to learn to repent and to make it my daily practice, but I always find some reason not to do it. Tomorrow would be a much better day for that. I'm at the point now where I don't know what repentance feels like. What is repentance? What is this change? It's a change that is to extend in all areas of one's life, a radical change. Repentance should affect one's feelings and affections, of course, but that cannot be the essence of repentance. But I guess I'm stuck on feelings even when I can't feel much of anything (like now). Old habits die hard.
When did I stop believing God was great? When did he become this conceptually amorphous impotent deity that resides somewhere in the back of my mind? Is Yahweh not the God who lives, the living God himself who created the heavens and the earth? Is he not the God who brought Israel out of Egypt? Is he not the God who gave his one and only Son so I might die to sin and live to righteousness? Why am I alive to sin and dead to righteousness, then? Something must change. I must change. So I pray for repentance and faith in Jesus Christ who saves. I call him Lord but I do not do what he says. I am the disciple who does not follow. What else can I ask for but grace? I have no demands I can make. So many words, so many vain words. I should ask for God to reveal himself to me for he is. Don't I already know? It seems as if I don't. Light has been lost, but the Light is still shining. I must repent before it's too late; not tomorrow, but today. I need to stop playing games. It seems so hard to see with eyes so dim. Open my eyes.
We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him. . . .
Little children, keep yourselves from idols. (1 John 5:18,21 ESV)
Little children, keep yourselves from idols. (1 John 5:18,21 ESV)
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