The single life

[lilpixieofterror]

It's all about expectations....

Once you figure out what those are, or learn to set them, you have it made!

I've been married for 35 + years, and it took a while to figure this out, but once I did, a bunch of other things feel right into place.

Like what do you mean?

[Cow Poke]

Like what do you mean?

It's pretty simple, actually.
A lot of it is communication.
If a man expects his wife, for example, to have dinner ready every time he comes home, and SHE is working, TOO - that's a totally unreal expectation.
But it causes fights!

There needs to be an agreement on the expectation.

And, if I may get "personal"... let's say that the wife is in charge of paying the bills (true in many homes) and finances are tough. This is a whole lot of stress that doesn't just go away.
So, hubby comes home, feeling a little romantic, but wife is worried about the bills and can't just "get in the mood" - more frustration.

A LOT of marriage problems are related to sex and money. And, many times, the two are tied together as in the example I gave.

Or doing dishes. Again, if the wife works, but the husband thinks that cooking and doing dishes is "woman's work", and all he wants to contribute is a hearty appetite - there's going to be trouble. It may rock along for a while, but resentment builds. And resentment doesn't usually manifest itself "at the time" - it's LATER, and seemingly unconnected to the unfulfilled expectation.

If I understand that my wife has a job, and works as many hours as I do, I can't really EXPECT her to have dinner on the table when I get home. If she DOES, and it wasn't expected, it's a PLUS! If I expect it, and it doesn't happen, it's TROUBLE.

So, I often try go get home before she does, fire up the grill, get some steaks started, empty a can of baked beans into a pot on the stove, throw some salad together, then when she gets home, she helps me "finish" getting dinner together, and we sit and eat. But she doesn't EXPECT me to do that - it's a PLUS.

Managing expectations is HUGE - and COMMUNICATION is KEY.

One last thing - laundry. This often is a "wife" thing, even though the husband may wear more clothes than she does (because he wears work clothes, comes home, changes, might wear different clothes to change the oil in the car, etc) but somehow only SHE does the laundry. In my house, my wife doesn't WANT me doing laundry - she ENJOYS that for some reason. But she HATES rounding up the clothes, or picking my undies up off the floor of the bathroom, my socks from the floor of the bedroom, and my shirts off the cedar chest at the end of the bed. And she HATES ironing shirts!

SO... I always take my shirts off and place them in one neat pile in my closet, and weekly take them to the 99 cent dry cleaners, and they come home clean and pressed and hanging on hangers! We have a bin in HER closet where I throw my undies and socks, so she doesn't have to round them up. I bought her a new washer and dryer of HER choice, and she's totally happy with that. It has been DECADES since we have battled over laundry.

Each person must figure out what the other person EXPECTS, and manage those expectations - either negotiate new ones, or learn how to fulfill the ones that matter. It's a process. And, again, communication is KEY.

[ApologiaPhoenix]

Sex, money, and in-laws are the three biggest areas fights take place over.

Fortunately, Toodles and I simply get together and discuss the issues calmly and if need be talk to others wiser than ourselves.

I think one thing CP is getting at is people cannot read minds. Don't go in expecting your husband to understand necessarily what you're hinting at or how you'd like things to be. He's not a mind reader. While he should try to draw inferences, he shouldn't be expected to know everything you're thinking and why.

Calm discussion overall works much better than argument. You can calmly tell someone that you disagree with them. You can calmly discuss the issues.

Try to make sure you're also not assuming the worst conclusion right off. Take time to consider where the other person is coming from. I often pray when I think I'm doing something wrong for better understanding and that I'll love my wife better than I already do. Marriage will help you grow in holiness if you do it right.

[Cow Poke]

Yeah, I forgot to mention parents-in-law, because we got married and moved FAR from ours.

But that would NORMALLY be a big problem.

And the "mind reading" thing... in marriage counseling, it used to be called "the booby trap".

Example....

Anniversary is a big deal to wife.
Husband pays NO attention to dates or calendars.
Husband ROUTINELY forgets birthdays and anniversaries, and these turn into a fight.
Wife KNOWS hubby forgets, and a fight always ensues.

Scenario ONE....
Two weeks before anniversary, wife begins to watch for signs that he will remember, but says NOTHING.
Hubby goes about life, doing his job, paying no attention to the calendar, having NO CLUE of the impending doom ahead.
The DAY of the anniversary, wife watches to see any clue that hubby remembered, but says nothing.
As they're getting into bed that night, she pounces "I KNEW you would forget again, you dirty louse..... " fight fight fight.....
Cold War ensues for the next 3 or 4 days, and resentment remains.

Scenario TWO...
Wife loves her husband, but realizes he's a real schmuck when it comes to remembering anniversaries.
Two weeks before the day, she begins dropping hints.
She smiles and says something like, "you realize that Saturday will be THREE YEARS since we were married, yes?"
He, of course, is CLUELESS, but the light goes on in his head, and he says, "of COURSE I remember!" (NOW he does!)
Wife realizes that he is STILL a forgetful clod, so as the day gets closer, she suggests a restaurant or "whatever" for the special occasion, and, if hubby has any redeeming qualities at ALL, he will "come through", and a great time will be had by all.

Now - in Scenario ONE - wife got what she EXPECTED - her lousy husband forgot, just like she KNEW he would, and they had a lousy Anniversary.
Did she get what she WANTED? Only if she WANTED a disaster.

In Scenario TWO - wife "managed expectations" - both hers and his - and got what she wanted - a nice Anniversary to remember.
She wasn't WANTING a "train wreck", and didn't get one.

[CodewordConduit]

Yeah, I was always on the receiving end of "you should have known", like I'm supposed to literally read someone's mind when they say things like "no, you don't have to pay rent here" and realize that means "voluntary contributions would be appreciated despite our £20k basic wage disparity and the fact that I own this house outright"; or "come home whenever you like" means "I will get a right moody on if you're home later than 12, you should want to be home earlier" etc etc.

I still get it now off him, just when we're out with our daughter. I go in the shop for a Snickers and to pay for the petrol, I come out back to the car and it's "didn't you get me anything?" and it's like you know me, you know that I will get you something if you ask, but I'm not in the habit of asking people do they want stuff because I forget sometimes and then it's viewed as a sleight or me being moody... arrrrrrgh!

So yeah just say if you want something, and if you're the type that "does" anniversaries, birthdays, valentines day then just make the other person enter everything you want remembering for the year into their phone or organizer, complete with alarm setting, while you watch. Lucky for me I didn't have that obligation as well, or I'd have exploded, ha.

Oh and something else: don't say "most women/men do this that or the other" ever, as reason to persuade your partner to do anything. So annoying!

/rant

I'ma be single for a while yet

[lao tzu]

I'ma be single for a while yet

Most women say that.

[CodewordConduit]

Most women say that.

To you.

[lao tzu]

To you.

Can I pick 'em, or what?

[CodewordConduit]

Can I pick 'em, or what?

That could literally mean anything.

[Rational Gaze]

I have no problems when it comes to arranging things... the problem is always with other people. My parents are probably the main offenders.

"How come you haven't... [insert task here]"
a) if it a one off situation, they didn't ask
b) if it is a task that must be carried out on a routinely basis, they did not make it clear that it was my responsibility to do it, and/or did not set up a rota.

You see, I have this concept called the Turn Based System, you get all the tasks that need doing and then assign a rota. For things that all parties can perform, then assign 'turns'. If someone is incapable of performing a task, they are exempt from that task.

You would think that would be easy to understand but my parents, despite bragging about how they understand me and my asperger's syndrome, kept on repeatedly not only expecting me to do tasks that I could never ever carry out, they expected me to be able to know what tasks needed doing and to do them even if it wasn't my turn, and even if I could not do them. Of course, when I did do tasks randomly, my parents would always complain.

As much as I hate being by myself all the time, and as much as I hate the idea of being alone for the rest of my life on earth, I have realised that there is no point in me getting married to someone who doesn't meet certain 'criteria'.

[ApologiaPhoenix]

I have realised that there is no point in me getting married to someone who doesn't meet certain 'criteria'.

Don't focus so much on how someone can be right for you. You can't control another. Focus on how you can be right for the other. We can do something about ourselves easily. Doing something about others is far more difficult. Why do we concentrate on the first then?

[Rational Gaze]

Don't focus so much on how someone can be right for you. You can't control another. Focus on how you can be right for the other. We can do something about ourselves easily. Doing something about others is far more difficult. Why do we concentrate on the first then?

This is true. Which is why I am always concentrating on being a better follower of Christ.

[CodewordConduit]

I have no problems when it comes to arranging things... the problem is always with other people. My parents are probably the main offenders.

"How come you haven't... [insert task here]"
a) if it a one off situation, they didn't ask
b) if it is a task that must be carried out on a routinely basis, they did not make it clear that it was my responsibility to do it, and/or did not set up a rota.

You see, I have this concept called the Turn Based System, you get all the tasks that need doing and then assign a rota. For things that all parties can perform, then assign 'turns'. If someone is incapable of performing a task, they are exempt from that task.

You would think that would be easy to understand but my parents, despite bragging about how they understand me and my asperger's syndrome, kept on repeatedly not only expecting me to do tasks that I could never ever carry out, they expected me to be able to know what tasks needed doing and to do them even if it wasn't my turn, and even if I could not do them. Of course, when I did do tasks randomly, my parents would always complain.

As much as I hate being by myself all the time, and as much as I hate the idea of being alone for the rest of my life on earth, I have realised that there is no point in me getting married to someone who doesn't meet certain 'criteria'.

Would you like to share my theme song for the hour?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_P-v1BVQn8

EDIT: and be thankful that you're not in the relationship described by MaggothOg, page 3 of the comments. That's bad. I mean, really really bad.

[Rational Gaze]

Would you like to share my theme song for the hour?

Nah, this is my theme tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FVp2rw1BFQ

[CodewordConduit]

Nah, this is my theme tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FVp2rw1BFQ

Have you considered any of Dennis Waterman's?