Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[roadwalker]

A female cannibal and a male vegetarian have been friends for years. Despite their differences in diet, they find they have a lot of common interests, as they go to the ballgame together, the movies together and finally decide to get married. One day the cannibal tells the vegetarian she wants to take him to visit her family. But she promises him that she won't let any of her relatives harm him. They get into speedboat and head out into the wide blue Pacific. Eventually they approach an island and the cannibal guides the boat into a cove.

They hike to the center of the island, and the cannibal looks confused. There is nothing there. After they look around a bit longer, all they find is a large iron kettle stored under a rocky ledge that has apparently been there for some years. But no other evidence of people. But the cannibal does suggest they set up camp there. "I know this area like the back of my hand," she says.

"I wonder why they aren't here," she muses out loud. "Maybe they moved the village."

The two of them are both very thirsty from the hike, but the cannibal, knowing the geography of the area, finds a stream some distance off and suggests that they store some of the water in the kettle so that they won't have to keep going back to the stream to get water as they continue to search the island from their central location. So the vegetarian and she fill up some gourds with water and haul them up to their camp and dump them into the kettle so they will have water any time they need it.

After a few more hours of searching, and as the island is covered with thick jungle, the cannibal suggests that they set a signal fire. "Instead of searching for them, if we set a fire and they are on this island, they will come find us." So the vegetarian helps her gather a big pile of grass and sticks, and the cannibal takes some of them and starts a small fire that she is able to throw green jungle vines into to generate a lot of smoke.

Still, nobody comes. Finally, the cannibal suggests to the vegetarian, "Maybe if you climb up this big tall palm tree here you can look around and see if you can find the village. You're a man and you're skinnier than I am, so it would make sense for you to climb the tree."

"But how can I get up the tree?" asks the vegetarian. "There are no branches, and this palm tree is very tall."

The cannibal reaches into her backpack and pulls out a rope."I'll tie this around you and the tree," she says, " and you can work your way up the tree by moving up and pulling the rope up on the other side."

"OK," says the vegetarian. "That sounds good."

The cannibal begins to tie. And then to make sure, she makes a second loop around the vegetarian and the tree, and a third.

"Hey!" says the vegetarian. "That's enough rope! If you keep putting rope on I won't be able to move up the tree or see anything."

"That is OK," says the cannibal. "I just realized, that my relatives all left this island years ago and moved to another island twenty miles away. After I am done here I will go visit them."

"Just you?" asks the vegetarian.

"Yes, just me," says the cannibal pulling the rope tight. "There is nobody else on this island, there is water in the kettle, I have a fire started and plenty of fuel, you are tied to a tree and I am hungry."

[ke7ejx]

This is ingenious!

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[Cow Poke]

This is ingenious!

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Here's Jerry Clower telling the same joke, but about an Oil Executive in Texas, and in his typical country style....

[roadwalker]

Did you know that Einstein once presided over a roast of a coleague as the Master of Ceremonies? The bright lights showing in his face and the realization that he had to keep the entire crowd amused for a whole hour got to him and he got so frightened that his hair stood straight out and never laid flat again.

You may have heard about that incident in regard to Einstein. The title of the show was, "Eek, was emcee scared!"

[ke7ejx]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[Cow Poke]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

hehehehehe... exact same joke, except "Church" and "because you're the PASTOR!"

[ke7ejx]

hehehehehe... exact same joke, except "Church" and "because you're the PASTOR!"

Or Bishop!

[ke7ejx]

EVER WONDER:

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[roadwalker]

Actually I had to fly to Massachusetts this weekend and I was wondering how come they call the big building the planes stay in when they work on them the 'hangar.' They leave them parked on the ground, not hang them from a hook on the ceiling. So shouldn't they call it the 'parker' instead?

[ke7ejx]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.

He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[Cow Poke]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.

He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

hehehe

SAME JOKE, but it's a Baptist Preacher trying to make some money....

at the end .... "Shut UP - you think you're the ONLY Preacher trying to make a living?!?!?!"

[ke7ejx]

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?”

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

[Cow Poke]

The doctor steps into the room where the male patient has been waiting.

The doctor is surprised to see a carrot sticking out of the man's ear, as the man complains, "Doc, I just don't feel good".

The Doc replies, "well, no WONDER! You're not EATING right!"

[Cow Poke]

The X-ray reveals that the man's arm is broken in two places.

The Doc cautions, "If I were you, I'd stay out of BOTH of those places".

[ke7ejx]

The X-ray reveals that the man's arm is broken in two places.

The Doc cautions, "If I were you, I'd stay out of BOTH of those places".