Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[Cow Poke]

A man on the airplane looked visibly upset. A minister sitting next to him noticed the man had a Bible in his lap, and asked, "son, are you a Christian?"

The young man replied, "yes, I am, why?"

The minister continues, "well, you look worried, and surely you know that the Lord promised he would be with you always, even to the ends of the earth, right?"

The young man shot back, "No, that's NOT what the Bible says, preacher!"

Curious, the preacher asked, "oh? What DOES it say?"

LOW I will be with you always, and WE are going to be a 30,000 FEET!!!!!!

[Cow Poke]

A man is sitting in the back of the plane, reading a newspaper, but the paper is visibly shaking like the man is really nervous.

A minister has boarded the plane, and goes down the isle to the rear of the plane, and can just see the man's face from the eyes up, the rest of him is hidden behind the paper, but the man looks absolutely terrified.

In an attempt to calm him down, the minister asks, "First time flying?"

"No", the man replied, "I have flown lots of times".

"Hmmm", said the minister, "but you look terribly frightened!"

"Yes", said the man, "I hate flying - it scares me to death - all I can think of is plane crashes and disasters and emergency landings and mid-air collisions - it's AWFUL!"

The Minister, having never dealt with anything like this before, doesn't even know how to respond, but is interrupted by the stewardess's voice on the intercom ... "Captain Wilson, please come to the flight deck, Captain Wilson, please, come to the flight deck".

Captain Wilson puts the newspaper aside, and says to the minister, "well, you'll have to excuse me, they need me to fly this thing one more time!"

[roadwalker]

A woman hails a cab. The cabbie, following procedure, asks her to sit in the back seat, where she gives him the address of the building where she would like to be taken.

He drives there, but going down the street he drives past the building without stopping. The woman, realizing that he has missed the stop, reaches up and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver shrieks, takes both hands off the steering wheel to slap her hand away while violently ripping his head away from her outstretched finger. The cab jumps the curb, takes out a couple of fruit stands, runs over a fire hydrant and smashes into a store window, where it comes to rest, The woman notices that the man is hyperventilating, trying to calm himself down.

Aware that the passenger has now been shaken up by the experience and that he must reassert control, he stammers, "I'm sorry,. ma'am. You see, this is my first day driving a cab. I just retired from thirty years driving a hearse."

[rogue06]

Rogue, I think these guys are a lot worse off than you, with all those pitched balls that pounded you at one time, that you described.

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Another guy who's brother threw knuckleballs instinctively
protecting what counts

[moreta]

What's the difference between a carp, and a lawyer?







One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

[moreta]

A pregnant women was in a car wreck and fell into a deep coma for six months. When she finally woke up she was shocked to discover she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
"Well, ma'am", he said. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman was a little concerned, her brother eing a prankster, so resignedly she asked what he named the babies.
The doctor replied the girl's name was Deniece, And the woman allowed that it wasn't a bad name at all.
"What's the boy's name," she asked.
The docotor answered...

















"Denephew"

[Astra49]

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.

The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!

"Mary Jane laughed and laughed!

She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

[Astra49]

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

[Astra49]

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop.

The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?"

The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere."

The cop replied "You twit that's your air freshener."

[Astra49]

A woman hails a cab. The cabbie, following procedure, asks her to sit in the back seat, where she gives him the address of the building where she would like to be taken.

He drives there, but going down the street he drives past the building without stopping. The woman, realizing that he has missed the stop, reaches up and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver shrieks, takes both hands off the steering wheel to slap her hand away while violently ripping his head away from her outstretched finger. The cab jumps the curb, takes out a couple of fruit stands, runs over a fire hydrant and smashes into a store window, where it comes to rest, The woman notices that the man is hyperventilating, trying to calm himself down.





Aware that the passenger has now been shaken up by the experience and that he must reassert control, he stammers, "I'm sorry,. ma'am. You see, this is my first day driving a cab. I just retired from thirty years driving a hearse."

Oh, golly I am still laughing...so funny love it!!!!!!

[Astra49]

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white female dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. FiFi is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small female dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the Fifi out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong dog out the window."

[rogue06]

A man calls his wife at home and says, "Sweety, I have been asked to go fishing for a week at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his buddies. This is a great opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

"Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Trout, and a few Pike," he exclaimed. "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[rogue06]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

The little girl thought about this for a moment and then asked, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[rogue06]

A man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet his wife dutifully stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, the man motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!"

[rogue06]

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and even a paper hat?






The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.