Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[ke7ejx]

You might be a Redneck Mormon if...
-Your belt buckle has a temple on it.
-Your favorite pasttime is roping your polygamist friends.
-You take your scriptures line dancing with you.
-Your spurs were showing underneath your baptismal clothes.
-You yell "Giddianhi" to get your horse to trot.
-You wear a black raccoon mask, cape, and wave your sword wildly - calling yourself "The Mighty Zoram."
-Your morning prayers end with "And please bless Pa to stop his cussin'."
-Your dog's bark sounds like "Wilford WoodRuff."
-Your definition of "FHE" is "Family Hoedown Evenin'."
-You use your tractor license as a temple reccommend.
-Your Grandma's cookie jar is filled to the brim with chewed sunflower seed shells.
-The sign on your bishop's door reads "No more corn this week as a substitute for tithing...."
-You go home teaching in the tractor.
-You consider milking your cow named "Sariah" on Sunday as keeping the Sabbath Day holy
-You think that CTR stands for "Cowboys Take Risks."
-You invited Faith Hill to sing in Sacrament Meeting.
-You have seminary out in the barn.
-You used-ta-could say all 13 Articles of Faith.
-You plow your field in the shape of the tree of life.
-Your ex-girlfriend, mother-in-law, and 3rd cousin all have the same maiden name : "Young."
-Your brothers and sisters still share bunkbeds; all 7 of them.
-Your idea of an expensive date is taking the girl to a rodeo, then McDonalds for ice cream after.
-Your idea of a cheap date is watching the rodeo from the parking lot then McDonalds for water after.
-Fasting isn't hard as long as you can "just have a smell" of what Ma's cookin' for Sunday dinner.
-You pray before and after you watch the Superbowl (....and please bless Steve Young, our brother in the faith...)
-You've kissed 3 out of 5 of your sister's best friends at youth conference.
-You have a broken-legged donkey.
-You named your broken-legged donkey "Lemuel" - (Lame Mule)
-Your favorite primary song is "I hope they call me to Wyoming...where I can rope a cow er two..."
-Your Pa's last words to you before your mission were "Son, I'm proud of ya! Now baptize the H-- out of ‘em!"
-You've ever worn Wranglers to church.
-You can't wait for Wranglers to come back into style so you can wear them to church again.
-The Hog-Tie merit badge was required for your Eagle Scout Award.
-A team of oxen came with your new ‘BMW' (Big Mormon Wagon).
-Your favorite CO-ED college game is "I love you honey, but I just can't ‘Yee-haw...'"
-You sing "Grandma's Feather Bed" at every family reunion.
-You share that story about Grandpa surviving the bull stampede every time you bear your testimony.

[Cow Poke]

A man calls his wife at home and says, "Sweety, I have been asked to go fishing for a week at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his buddies. This is a great opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

"Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Trout, and a few Pike," he exclaimed. "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Reminds me of the cartoon where the man is coming in the door with his fishing pole, tackle, and a string of fish....

The wife is handing him the phone ..."it's the fish market - you left your wallet there"

[rogue06]

A woman met her husband at the front door, rolling pin in hand, when he came home from work. Before he could say a word she shoves a piece of paper with the name "Betty Sue" scrawled upon it into his face.

"I found this in your jacket pocket," the wife said as she raised the rolling pin to give him a wallop. "Who is this Betty Sue?"

"Wait a minute honey," the husband began as he defensively covered his head. "That's the name of the horse I bet on when I went to the track last month."

"Oh," she replied sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

Three days later the husband was again met at the door by his wife who had the rolling pin in hand.

"What's the matter sweetie pie?" he asked.

Swinging the pin at his noggin she replied, "Your horse called asking for you."

[rogue06]

Two political aides were walking through a decrepit, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.

The younger man works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly while the older, more experienced aide works deliberately, going from headstone to headstone, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.

"Why are you spending so much time doing that?" the first man asked.

"I'll tell you," the second man answered. "This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote."

[rogue06]

A man bought a new Ferrari and took it out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. Traffic was very light so he decided to see what it could do. He was doing nearly 90MPH when he noticed a police car behind him with the lights flashing and the siren blaring.

"There's no way they can catch a Ferrari," he thought to himself and floored it.

The needle hit 100 and then 110.... and then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Finally he walked back up to the driver and said "It's been a long day and this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me a good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The man thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer as he walked back to his car.

[ke7ejx]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

[Cow Poke]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

So, I take it you have internet in YOUR room at the institution?

[ke7ejx]

So, I take it you have internet in YOUR room at the institution?

Nope, I called the directed an asinine cretin and pulled the plug.

[Cow Poke]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

TRUE STORY ALERT!!!!!!!!

Years ago, my brother John lived in Atlanta. He was an epileptic, and the doctor had just changed his medication.
The NEW meds, apparently, didn't work for him, and he ended up standing on the corner of Peach st and Peach st (believe or not, that's almost possible in Atlanta!) trying to figure out where he was - he felt totally lost.

A policeman arrives, probably because somebody reported this old long-haired hippie-looking man just standing at the corner staring into space, and the officer asked my brother what his problem was. My brother, confused, said something like, "I'd like to kill that doctor who messed me up", and he was arrested for "making terroristic threats" and eventually wound up in the looney bin.

I had to fly to Atlanta from Houston to get him out, and was AMAZED at the "hospital personnel" in this "institution" -- they looked incredibly depressed and miserable. I was beginning to wonder if the inmates had taken over the asylum. THEN I began to wonder --- "what if they keep ME -- who will get ME out?!"

Long story short, I got them to release John to my care, got the doctor to readjust his meds, and got back to Houston a few days later. Since then, I really HAVE wondered how many people are in such places because they're confused, not crazy.

[Cow Poke]

Nope, I called the directed an asinine cretin and pulled the plug.

I may have to study this sentence a bit -- I'm confused.

[ke7ejx]

I may have to study this sentence a bit -- I'm confused.

I said directed when I meant to say "director"..... That's what I get for reading 'The Odyssey of Homer' while typing....

[Cow Poke]

I said directed when I meant to say "director"..... That's what I get for reading 'The Odyssey of Homer' while typing....

THAT makes sense!!! And sounds MUCH more like Punkinhead!!!!

[Astra49]

was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.

[Astra49]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Astra49]

A farmer named John was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Kiewa Valley, Australia when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Australian Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog, mate.