Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[Astra49]

fter being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[Astra49]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

[Astra49]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[roadwalker]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.

When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied that there were six.

The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

-- And a box of rice, I'd reckon.

[roadwalker]

An Arizonan, a Coloradoan and a Texan are out hiking on a remote island near Papua when they get captured by cannibals. They tie each of them to a stake.

Their leader, who has learned English, walks up to the Arizonan and says, "We're going to skin you alive and use your skin to patch the hole in our boat."

"I can't let you do that," says the Arizonan. "Bring me a knife."

The leader turns around and says, "Uggaga whan, kyat'ioiwa gah'so niffeh!"

One of the villagers runs up and hands him a knife. He gives it to the Arizonan, who procedes to slit own his throat from ear to ear.

The leader then walks up to the Coloradoan and says, "We're going to skin you alive and use your skin to patch the hole in our boat."

"I can't let you do that," says the Coloradoan. "Bring me a knife."

The leader turns around and says, "Uggaga whan, kyat'ioiwa gah'so niffeh!"

One of the villagers runs up and hands him a knife. He gives it to the Coloradoan, who uses it to slit his throat just as his colleague had done.

The leader then walks up to the Texan. He says, "We're going to skin you alive and use your skin to patch the hole in our boat."

"I can't let you do that," says the Texan. "Bring me a fork."

The leader looks a little puzzled but he turns around and says, "Uggaga whan, kyat'ioiwa gah'so fokh'reh!"

One of the villagers runs up and hands him a fork. He gives it to the Texan, who begins to stab himself all over with the fork and says, "I hope your boat sinks!"

[rogue06]

-- And a box of rice, I'd reckon.

And 5lbs of salt to boot

[rogue06]

A blonde strolled up to an airport ticket counter and asked for a round trip ticket.


"Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent.


The blonde rolled her eyes and said in her most sarcastic voice, "Duuuuuh, back here of course."

[rogue06]

Two brunettes and a blonde were traveling through the desert in a jeep when it suddenly broke down. Unable to determine what the problem was they decided to walk the last dozen miles.

Each of them decided to take one thing with them that would be useful.

The first brunette took the water in case they got thirsty.

The second blonde took the food in case they got hungry.

And the blonde? She took the car door.

When questioned about her choice, the blonde explained, "Well, if we get hot, I can roll down the window!"

[Astra49]

- And a box of rice, I'd reckon.

Oh dear you wouldn't would you?

[Astra49]

One of the villagers runs up and hands him a fork. He gives it to the Texan, who begins to stab himself all over with the fork and says, "I hope your boat sinks!"

You sure that is not a blond joke?

[Astra49]

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

[Astra49]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm..

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs.

These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."




Roadwalker, please talk to me after this,,,,, please! Hope I haven't offended anyone!

[rogue06]

You sure that is not a blond joke?

Just showing how ornery Texans are.

[Cow Poke]

Just showing how ornery Texans are.

And DURN proud of it!

[rogue06]

And DURN proud of it!

Yeah I didn't mean it in a bad way