Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[roadwalker]

You sure that is not a blond joke?

blonde, Texan, blonde Texan, what's the difference?

[roadwalker]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm..

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs.

These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."




Roadwalker, please talk to me after this,,,,, please! Hope I haven't offended anyone!

Offended, of course not! It's only Republicans who get prickly about that kind of stuff!

In fact, I'm considering doing a lookover of today's headlines.

[roadwalker]

So.... (since it seems like we are starting to repeat each other's jokes):

Today Obama visited Afghanistan to mark the one year anniversary of the death of Osama...... yeah, he said "I'll show those search engines that keep misspelling me who's the boss!"

-- Within one hour of his arrival, FOX News had an Afghan poll out showing that Obama is 7 points behind the Taliban if the vote were held today.

-- Obama released a campaign ad saying, "I took out bin Laden. What would Romney do?" Romney replied, "That's nothing. I took out Santorum!"

-- Speaking of Mitt, he still hasn't put the dog story to sleep. But he's making it clear that he'd never put a dog on the roof of his car when the car is in the elevator. And he promised to give a pink slip to anyone who tries.

-- Romney's national security spokesman, Richard Grenell, resigned after he was criticized for being gay. Maybe he should have joined the military instead.

-- With the release of a string of strong earnings reports, the Dow Jones hit its highest point since 2007. FOX News has reported it as a 'temporary correction' and predicts that the Dow will 'top out' and resume its decline soon. Meanwhile, the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters held a rally outside to protest. All thirteen of them said they were furious.

-- The Chinese are embarrassed that a blind man managed to sneak past all of their watchmen, who had good vision. They will be arranging for a crash course for all the watchmen who had been assigned there to understand blind people better. The course will begin after their eyes heal up.

-- The question is whether the U.S. will grant Chen asylum. So he can come join us in the asylum.

-- The French are celebrating the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc. Mostly because they haven't produced any better military leaders since then.

-- Speaking of the French, they appear poised to kick out Sarkozy and elect a Socialist who pledges to expand government spending, raise taxes and cut back on military spending and overseas commitments.

-- Amateur historians are hotly debating if the last two points are connected.

-- Incidentally, somewhere, DSK is staring into a glass of beer and thinking, "That could have been me. If only I'D made the necessary cut backs when I should have..."

-- Sarkozy isn't going down without a fight, however. He held a big rally today. It fit in with his new campaign slogan.... "May day, May day, May day!"

-- The British have determined that Rupert Murdoch isn't fit to run a major international firm. Murdoch disputed the report before it was published. He knew what would be in the report from hacking into the phone calls of the people writing it.

-- Social Security statements are now available online for anybody 18 years of age or older. Why not? As Ben Franklin once said, you can believe everything you see on the internet.

-- A judge has ruled that a woman in Arkansas who threw away a $1 million lottery ticket should get the money from the woman who picked it out of the trash can (yeah, for real:

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articl...d-million.html

So if you accidentally throw away an uneaten hamburger does the dumpster diver who finds it have to regurgitate it upon request?

-- Boise State quarterback Kellen Moore was undrafted by the NFL last weekend despite only losing 3 games in four years as a starter, and was seriously having to contemplate leaving football. Then his luck got even worse when he was invited to training camp by the Lions as a free agent, but if he makes the roster he'll have to live in Detroit.

-- The world swimming champion died while practicing in Arizona. Excuse me, but WHO comes to Arizona to practice SWIMMING?

-- A homeless man in Georgia threw a brick through the courthouse window so he could get arrested and have a meal.

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/art...ntionally.html

Hey, at least with the slowdown in construction and all the unemployed brick layers, This guy has figured out HOW to put food on the table by picking up bricks!


OK-- those are made from today's headlines, so NO REPEATED jokes.

[rogue06]

-- Speaking of Mitt, he still hasn't put the dog story to sleep. But he's making it clear that he'd never put a dog on the roof of his car when the car is in the elevator. And he promised to give a pink slip to anyone who tries.

What's Obama's favorite steak?

He likes both rib eye and seeing eye.




Did you hear that Obama is writing a new book?

It's called "A Boy and His Dog" and it's a cookbook.

Recipes include: Yorkshire terrier pudding, mutt chop, Pekingese duck, bichon frisee salad, beagle with cream cheese, pure bread.




Obama's favorite fast-food joint?

Checkers




So, Mr. President, where shall we go to eat?

"I know a great Spot."




Happiness is a warm puppy, with a side of fries.

[roadwalker]

Actually, Obama's favorite is the put bull cutlets. This is him at the White House Correspondent's dinner last week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn0Gr1OufcY

[roadwalker]

Today's headlines:

-- White House security experts are concerned that word of President Obama's secret trip to Afghanistan was leaked to the local media several hours before he arrived. They are wondering how the Secret Service managed to find hookers in Kabul.

-- President Karzai was a tough negotiator, after a number of recent incidents have increased tensions in Afghanistan. The President didn't even seem to mind though, he said "You should see what it's like trying to negotiate with the Republicans."

-- The April jobs report is due out tomorrow. If you want to catch the President praying, this would be a good day for it. The Republicans are praying too, but for the opposite result.

-- Somebody asked Mitt Romney what he thought about celebrating Cinco de Mayo and whether he could use the holiday to address concerns that he wasn't relating to the Latino community. He said, "I like it! Mayo is great, especially if it's with turkey on sourdough."

-- They are looking into how an elite British spy was found dead and zipped up into a duffle bag. Has anybody been keeping tabs on Ernst Blofeld?

-- Facebook is now going to be soliciting organ donations. Unless you go deep into your facebook control panel, you will automatically have a box checked that reads, "take my spleen." And you were silly enough to think that there was something Facebook didn't know about you.

-- Speaking of which, back in the 1950's and 1960's, J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI had a massive building in which they housed file folders with information on over 50 million Americans. He also paid tens of thousands of spies, snitches and agents to fan out across the country and collect that information. Nowadays, Hoover wouldn't have to do that, all he'd do is get on Facebook and he could find all that information out for free.

-- Newt Gingrich is suspending his campaign for President. Oh, never mind. I said headlines, this story is on the bottom of page B-6 if anybody's still paying attention to Newt.

[rogue06]

A blonde was standing in front of a soft drink machine muttering things like, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

"What are you doing?" her friend asked.

The blonde responded by pointing to the sign on the front of the machine that said "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

[rogue06]

A young businessman asked a older rich man how he made his money. The older man said, "Well, son, it was 1932 and we were in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel so I invested it in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples," the older man continued. "I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the young man asked.

"Heavens no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[rogue06]

A man is enjoying a drive out in the country when he spots a blonde standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He ignores the man and continues his drive but as he drove back several hours later he sees the same man still standing in the same spot doing absolutely nothing.

So the man pulls the car over to the side of the road and gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the blonde and asks him, "Ah excuse me young lady, are you okay?"

The blonde nods her head to the affirmative but continues to stand there.

"Well, I hope you don't mind me asking but just what are you doing out here?" the man asks.

The blonde sighs and replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[roadwalker]

A man is enjoying a drive out in the country when he spots a blonde standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He ignores the man and continues his drive but as he drove back several hours later he sees the same man still standing in the same spot doing absolutely nothing.

So the man pulls the car over to the side of the road and gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the blonde and asks him, "Ah excuse me young lady, are you okay?"

The blonde nods her head to the affirmative but continues to stand there.

"Well, I hope you don't mind me asking but just what are you doing out here?" the man asks.

The blonde sighs and replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Well, I'd give that blonde a prize. Not many people can undergo a complete sex change operation while they are standing in the middle of a field.

[rogue06]

Well, I'd give that blonde a prize. Not many people can undergo a complete sex change operation while they are standing in the middle of a field.

I, uh... I was, um, was... just checking to see if anyone was paying attention. Yeah. That's it. Just testing to see if anyone was paying attention.

























Don't believe it?

[Astra49]

A man is enjoying a drive out in the country when he spots a blonde standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He ignores the man and continues his drive but as he drove back several hours later he sees the same man still standing in the same spot doing absolutely nothing.

So the man pulls the car over to the side of the road and gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the blonde and asks him, "Ah excuse me young lady, are you okay?"

The blonde nods her head to the affirmative but continues to stand there.

"Well, I hope you don't mind me asking but just what are you doing out here?" the man asks.

The blonde sighs and replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

I still love it and the fact that Rogue tries to change the sex of the blondes at times, it is refreshing.......Well done brother!!!

[Astra49]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[Astra49]

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said... "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

[roadwalker]

More headlines, from today:

After reports that the U.S. had hurried Chen to leave the embassy so he could be gone before Secretary of State Clinton got there, the Chinese called the U.S. a 'paper tiger.' Secretary Clinton's response, taking great care not to upset her Chinese hosts was, "Oh, so you like origami too!"

Mitt Romney is protesting the Obama campaign claiming that he wouldn't have ordered the raid on Osama, using his own statement during the 2008 campaign that he would not violate Pakistani sovereignty to go after bin Laden or other targets in that country. The makers of "Mitt flops" are getting annoyed because they can't update their catalogue fast enough:

http://www.cafepress.com/mittflopflipflops

Speaking of Romney, Newt Gingrich formally ended his campaign and pledged to do anything he could to help Romney. The Romney campaign is already suggesting reviving Newt's idea of a moon base, with Newt himself to go there and staff it.

The Russians are so concerned about the construction of a proposed missile defense shield in Europe that they are threatening a first strike. Not to worry though, with the shape that the debt crisis and accompanying austerity measures have put the Eurozone economy in right now it's hard to see how a nuclear strike would make things much worse.

Here in Arizona, our most notorious (though sadly, far from only) neo-nazi militia leader, J.T. Ready shot himself and four other people to death. Within hours, some of his supporters were claiming that he was actually killed either by cartel hitmen (as Ready claimed in an online post before he did the deed) or by government agents sent by the Obama administration who made it 'look' like a murder-suicide. No evidence of that, but then with neo-nazis you don't need any 'evidence.' Just like the old Nazis.

In Ohio, a deputy has been fired for making inmates dance to, "Usher." Why would he play "Usher?" Marshall Matt Dillon used to get the bad guys to 'dance' without any music, just the rhythmic firing of his six gun into the ground an inch in front of their boots.

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articl...ets-fired.html

In the world of sports, last night pitcher Jered Weaver of the California Angels threw a no-hitter. Which in baseball, is good. Earlier this week, boxer Chazz WItherspoon threw a no-hitter against heavyweight champion Seth Mitchell, before being TKO'd in the third round. In boxing, that's not good. Maybe Witherspoon should become a pitcher.

Olympic athletes are making final preparations to go to London. Airline reservations are being made, strict dietary guidelines are now in place, doping is being scaled back or discontinued so they will come up clean on the drug tests,....