Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[roadwalker]

Today's headlines:

Today's jobs report showing 115,000 jobs added in April wasn't very good for the President. The only good number in it was that they revised the previous two months jobs reports upwards by 50,000 jobs. So now he's trying to figure out if there is a way to re-spin last months news without talking about this month's news. Answer is, 'no.'

The Obama campaign won't take the unemployment numbers laying down though. They are already hard at work, researching how many unemployed people are in the category, "Fired or laid off by Mitt Romney."

When Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for the jobs report, the President didn't think the criticism was fair. He cited the monthly job loss numbers when he took over and finished with "lay off me." Mitt's response was, "That's exactly what we're trying to do, lay you off."

It looks like the Chinese may allow Chen to come to the U.S., but only if Secretary of State Clinton agrees to add him to the 'balance of trade.' Meanwhile, the Chinese now hold over 2 trillion dollars worth of American debt. Who would have thought 20, 30 or 40 years ago that WE would be borrowing MONEY from Communists?

The reason the Chinese don't like Chen is that he has been exposing their practice of forced abortions. Their original idea to fix the problem was to force Chen's mother to have an abortion. Forty years retroactively.

Canada is no longer making pennies. The lowest denomination will now be the nickel. Imagine the Irish 'nickelwhistle.' Just doesn't have the same ring to it. 'Nickel-ante poker?' What about the saying, "a nickel for your thoughts?" "Nickel-wise and pound-foolish?" Will they now call flat soled shoes with a low heel and distinctive styling the 'nickel loafer?' Will a lot of baby girls now be named 'Nickel?' Imagine buying something through layaway at "J.C. Nickel's." Will the story of "Henny Penny" now be replaced by "Pickle nickel?"

Ted Nugent went berserk on a reporter after being interviewed about his recent remarks about President Obama and his being questioned by the Secret Service. Maybe the Secret Service guys were really asking him if he knew any place they could pick up girls.

The full moon tonight is the brightest of the year. Maybe that explains the preceding observation about Ted Nugent flying off the handle. He is kind of a hairy guy; I mean, how do you know that Ted Nugent ISN'T a werewolf? Hmmmmm?? [let's face it, he's a rock star so that's already a good start.]

The Kentucky derby is tomorrow. If the price of gas doesn't come down, you may be looking at a preview of your next commuter vehicle purchase.

[roadwalker]

Although 320kph would almost be 200mph.

It's almost tempting to tell a joke about people who spend lots of money to buy car that can break 200 when the fastest they can go legally is 75.

[rogue06]

Time someone came clean about your childhood pranks. This was the start of things to come......Attachment 75886

You were kept out of the loop during our more nefarious schemes respectable enterprises. Mom sheltered you. You know only what we want you to know. Remember the Summer we gave you all that electroshock therapy? No? Then again, I guess not










Um, and it was CP's fault

[rogue06]

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?







She missed

[rogue06]

Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?










To see what was on the other side.

[rogue06]

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. One would dig a hole while the other would come behind him and fill the hole. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what in the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again."

"Oh yeah, I guess it must look kinda funny," the hole digger replied. "But the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[rogue06]

One day a blonde arrived at work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss noticed them and asked what happened.

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang," the blonde explained. "And I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone."

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back."

[rogue06]

Three patients approached the doctor in charge of the asylum in which they've been entrusted and requested a weekend pass to the local city.

"That's impossible," says the doctor. "You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But, they wouldn't relent asking day after day after day until finally, exasperated, the doctor agrees but tells them that they'll have to answer a simple question before he'll sign a pass.

So the doctor turns to the first one and says "What's three times three?"

The man starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38? Is it 128?"

The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next guy: "What's three times three?"

He immediately shouts in a Texan drawl "CHICKEN!"

The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last patient and asks with a sigh, What's three times three?"

This one thinks for a few moments and then answers, "Nine."

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says, "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"

The patient responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Chicken"

[moreta]

It's almost tempting to tell a joke about people who spend lots of money to buy car that can break 200 when the fastest they can go legally is 75.

Ah but you can go as fast as you want to, or dare to, around the Nurburgring.

Originally posted by rogue06

Although 320kph would almost be 200mph.

Which is still slower than Captain Slow. He had it up to 253 mph on the Ehra-Lessien test track.

[David Hayward]

...Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

320mph?

I am the owner of a car that can get to 320 mph in half that time.

I just need a 3,500 ft cliff.

David

[Sir-Think-A-Lot]

Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels....

[ke7ejx]

Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!”

[ke7ejx]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[Cow Poke]

The Baptist Church had joined the temperance movement early on, and scheduled a "whiskey dump" after morning service. All members were to bring their booze, and dump it in the river, signifying the end of boozing.

The Methodist Church, downstream, dismissed their service with the hymn, "Shall we Gather at the River"

[Cow Poke]

The steeple and bell house were looking shabby, so the congregation authorized the Pastor to hire a painter to spruce them up.

The pastor got bids from several painters, and chose the lowest bid. The man began to paint, and the Preacher went off to run some errands. ALMOST FINISHED, the painter realized he was running out of white paint, so he added some water in to thin it out.

When the preacher returned, it had begun to rain, and the paint was literally washing off the steeple and bell house. The painter confessed that he may have used a little too much water, but argued that he DID do the job and SHOULD be paid.

The preacher, unimpressed, thundered.....


REPAINT!!!! AND THIN NO MORE!!!!!