Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[rogue06]

Dale and Earl got themselves jobs installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both went by the office to collect their pay where the boss informs Earl that he is fired.

"But why?" asks the perplexed Earl.

"Simple, responded the boss. "Dale has put in 50 poles this week while you have only done five."

"But look how far he has left them sticking out,” complained Earl.

[roadwalker]

Phil was a salesman. He was an amazingly successful salesman too. Anything he ever had, he sold it right away, and if anyone told him they wanted to find something, within a day or two, Phil would show up with exactly what they were looking for and sell it to them.

Phil had a friend who was also a salesman, but not nearly as successful at it as Phil. One day he asked him, "Phil, I want to know, how do you do it anyway? What's your secret?"

Phil answered, "Simple. I know everybody in the world."

"But you CAN'T know EVERYBODY!" his friend blurted out. "Nobody can know everyone in the world!"

"But I do," said Phil. "I meet them when they are babies, I check in on them when they are growing up and then when they are adults, they'll know me and if they want to buy something or sell something, I'll be their salesman. I just make the connections, get my small commission, and everybody walks away happy!"

"I don't believe you!" says his friend. "I bet you don't know... Barbra Streisand!"

"Oh, yeah, me and Babs... we go way back," says Phil. "I'm going out to California tomorrow, how about you go with me and I'll introduce you to Babs."

So Phil and his friend fly out to LA, and they drive to Hollywood and they are having a bight to eat in a local diner. All of a sudden, Barbra Streisand walks in, walks right over to Phil and plants a big old kiss on his cheek. Phil asks her if she'd be willing to give him another private concert for his upcoming birthday, and Barbra Streisand says, "Of course. Anything for you, Phil!"

"Well, I guess you do know Barbra Streisand," his friend says. "But I bet you don't know.... President Obama!"

"Of course I do," says Phil. "Me and Barack, why I've known him longer than just about anyone else. Listen, I have to go to Washington next week and meet some babies and get some sales done, how about you go with me and I'll introduce you to Barack?"

"Well, OK..." his friend says. He's worried about getting in trouble but he wants to prove Phil is a liar, so he goes with him to Washington. They drive up to the front gate at the White House. The guards just wave them through, because they all know Phil and he says his friend is "with me." Finally they walk into the Oval office. President Obama is sitting there at his desk and he looks up and says, "Well, hello there, Phil! We need to get together for a round of golf one of these days! I know you're busy but I'll contact the White House secretary and pencil you in whenever you can make it."

"Super," says Phil. "I just wanted to introduce you to my friend here. Well, have a good day, Barack."

"Same to you, old buddy!" the President says back to Phil.

"Well, OK, I guess you do know President Obama," says his friend. But I bet you don't know..... the POPE!"

"Oh, of course I know Benedict!" says Phil. "He and I, we go way back, many years. When 'Benny' has something really tough on his mind, I'm the guy he gets together for a good heart to heart and asks for advice!"

"Now I know you're lying," says his friend.

"Actually, I have to go to Rome later this week. Meet some babies, check in on their parents, make some sales, how about I take you with me and I'll introduce you to Benedict."

Well, they fly to Rome, and get a taxi to the Vatican. The Pope is out on a balcony giving a speech. "Come on up," Phil says. "I'm sure he'll interrupt his speech when he sees me, and then I can introduce you to Benny!"

"No, I don't know in front of all these people," says his friend. "How about I just wait down here in the crowd.. and how will I know he knows you?"

"Oh, it'll be obvious," answers Phil.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Phil appears in the doorway. As soon as the Pope sees him, he stops speaking for a moment, walks over and puts his arm around Phil. It's obvious that they are best friends. The Pope finishes his speech, with his arm around Phil the whole time.

After the speech, Phil goes back down to the street and he sees his friend laying there, passed out. "Are you OK?" he asks.

"Yes," his friend answers. "I just couldn't handle it."

"I told you I know the Pope!" Phil says.

"I could handle that, that part was OK," his friend replies. "But there was this little old Italian woman standing next to me during the speech. So she reached way up, tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Who's that guy in the white suit with his arm around Phil?"

[ke7ejx]

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[Astra49]

There are four tourists from India who are visiting London. They go to see the Big Ben. They all climb up the tower and decide to throw their wrist watches from the top, then hurry down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist, Amar, threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken four steps.

The second tourist, Vinod, threw his watch and had hardly taken three before when he heard his watch shatter.

The third tourist, Harry, threw his watch and by the time he had taken two steps, the watch hit the ground.

The fourth tourist, Santa Singh, threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a cup of coffee from a shop down the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.

"How on earth did you do that?" asked all his friends.

"Simple", Santa Singh replied, "My watch is slow by 30 minutes."

[Astra49]

Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.

He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back.”

Rob: “You fool, that’s not mine. My ear had a pencil behind it.”

[roadwalker]

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

“Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?”

“You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?”

“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.

So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”.

[roadwalker]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Teallaura]

Joke of the Month


A spaceship from Mars landed right in the middle of the Boston Marathon. An alien popped out of the UFO and shouted to a runner going by, "Take me to your leader."
Without slowing down, the runner replied, "I don't know who he is, but he's about two miles ahead of me."

-Hawkin Energy Newsletter

[Astra49]

During military war games, an officer’s jeep got stuck in mud. Seeing some men under some trees nearby, he asked them to help him get the vehicle going.

“Sorry sir,” said one soldier, “But we’ve been classified dead, so we’re not allowed to take part in any way.”

The officer turned to his driver and said, “Go and drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.”

[Astra49]

Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. “Nurse,” he moaned, “I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress.”

“What did the surgeon say?” asked the nurse.

“Oops.”

[Astra49]

A colleague returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. “Pretty,” said Jerry, one of the men in the office. “Big date tonight?”

“I picked it up for a friend,” she replied, adding, “Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?”

Jerry smiled and said, “Do you really think I’ve lived this long by answering questions like that?”

[roadwalker]

An old minister was on his death bed.

As his last request, he sent for two members of his congregation, who happened to be a banker and a lawyer, to come and sit on each side of his bed during his final hours. The minister, when he saw them, took both their hands, gazed up at the ceiling and seemed at ease.

For a long time, none of the three of them said anything. Finally, the lawyer's curiosity got the better of him. He asked the minister, "As I recall, you always seemed not to particularly care for either of us as much as some of the other members of the congregation. May I ask, why you asked for the two of us, in particular, to come and keep you company during your final hours?"

The minister smiled and said, "The Bible says that Jesus died between two thieves, and I wanted to go the same way."

[roadwalker]

An engaged couple met with their minister to sign some papers before the wedding.

As the man was filling out the form, he read aloud each of the questions. Finally, he came to a line that read, "Are you entering into this marriage of your own free will?" He looked at his fiance for a moment. Under the table the tip of her stilletto heel lightly tapped the top of his shoe while she mouthed to him, 'yes.'

[roadwalker]

A tax consulting firm finds they don't have enough preparers, so they hang a sign on the window advertising that they will hire anyone who passes their interview. A man comes in and says he has prepared taxes before and asks for an interview.

The first question the interviewer asks is, "So how much did your previous employers like your work?"

"They asked me to come back for Years."

"OK," the interviewer says, "And where did you get your education?"

"Yale," is the reply.

"Good," says the interviewer. "We'll hire you! What is your name, anyway?"


The man answers, "Yimmie Yoe Yohnson, Yunior."

[ke7ejx]

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."