Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[ke7ejx]

The bishop and his counselors were fishing by the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.

Apparently one car that passed didn't appreciate the sign. The people in the car rolled down their window, shouted "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!," and then continued down the road.

A few seconds later the bishopric heard a big splash. They looked at each other for a moment and then the first counselor said....."You think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[Astra49]

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.

If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

[Astra49]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Astra49]

There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low.

And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska,
































and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

[ke7ejx]

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

"That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass."

He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?"

The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?"

The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?"

The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!"

The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?"

The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"

The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

[roadwalker]

I trained our dog not to beg at the table.

I let her sample my cooking, problem solved.

[ke7ejx]

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

[roadwalker]

Did you hear about the Texan who slept out in the garage, under his car?

He had to catch a 6 AM flight the next morning so he wanted to make sure he woke up nice and oily.

[roadwalker]

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

True story: Several years ago I picked up two cards and mixed them up. A friend of mine, who was retiring got the Valentine card I bought for my daughter (I had to explain to him that I didn't really want him to be my valentine.) My daughter (then about ten) got a card in a nice, red valentines envelope wishing her a great time on the golf course (which I'd picked out because he had told me he was looking forward to it.) Of course all the golf we ever do is miniature golf so she thinks 'golf' means hitting the ball through the little windmill.

[Cow Poke]

Did you hear about the Texan who slept out in the garage, under his car?

He had to catch a 6 AM flight the next morning so he wanted to make sure he woke up nice and oily.

Are you sure that wasn't a JERSEY GUY?!?!?!

We say "awl" for oil.

[roadwalker]

We say "awl" for oil.

I thought an 'awl' was what the early oilmen used to dig for it, before the drill was invented.

AWL.jpg

[Cow Poke]

I thought an 'awl' was what the early oilmen used to dig for it, before the drill was invented.

AWL.jpg

That's "an" awl..... Oil is just "awl". (Actually, it's my cousin from Alabama who pronounces it that way)

[ke7ejx]

guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

[Teallaura]

Wrong email address...


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile . . . somewhere in Houston . . .a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the
computer screen which read:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

>P.S. It sure is hot down here!!




- Hawken Energy Newsletter

[roadwalker]

Headline today:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/htm...aceneedle.html

glass-bottomed viewing deck proposed in the Seattle space needle.

So now you can walk on glass, and have a bird's eye view of where you'll land if it breaks