Tell Your Dumb Jokes Here

[ke7ejx]

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

“Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

[David Hayward]

Reminds me of the guy who told a friend it was a shame the friend couldn't bequeath him his brain when he died.

The friend was delighted: "You recognise I have an excellent brain?"

"Must be -- it's never been used."

David

[roadwalker]

Report today out by Louis Freeh concludes that Penn State officials

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decided to cover up abuse by Jerry Sandusky

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to avoid bad publicity.

Well, when you cover up to avoid bad publicity, it's like covering up a fire in the kitchen so your parents won't find out. They will later, when it burns the house down.

[Jedidiah]

THE BEST BAR JOKE EVER!

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics' space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Football, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[roadwalker]

That's OK, Jed. I guess you kind of have to talk about Obama since your guy (Romney) is kind of like Bob Dole without the viagra.

I don't want to say that Mitt Romney is a boring, out of touch aristrocrat, but when Obama tagged John Kerry to play him in debates,....

One of Romney's handlers told him that he needed to have some charisma. So Romney whipped out his checkbook and told him to go buy however much charisma they were short.

When Romney got booed at the NCAAP convention, it was a new experience for him. Usually he is greeted with polite snores.

Did you know that Romney got a nickname out of his speeches? -- yeah, it's "Sandman."

[roadwalker]

In other news,

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Egypt. New President Mohamed Morsi trying to convince people he is NOT an Islamist:

Attachment 77956

[ke7ejx]

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

[Teallaura]

Joke of the Month


A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. And we used to just sell lemonade!


-Hawkin Energy Newsletter

[ke7ejx]

Joke of the Month


A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. And we used to just sell lemonade!


-Hawkin Energy Newsletter

The hilarious thing is I live in Redmond, Oregon which is not even 20 miles north of Bend.

[ke7ejx]

Business Terminology

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[roadwalker]

Joke of the Month


A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. And we used to just sell lemonade!


-Hawkin Energy Newsletter

Little town I lived in a few years ago put up a 'speed zone' sign just to make people from out of town slow down and look at the shops along Main Street. As far as I know, they never did have a real police officer patrol there.

Worst things to say when you get pulled over:

1. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. I thought I outran that last cop. He must have radioed ahead.

3. I thought they made you guys exercise and stay in good physical shape.

4. Sorry I don't have my driver's license with me. I loaned it to my gardener so his friend could use it to apply for a job.

5. Do you want to hold my gun while you write the ticket, or can I just give you the bullets?

6. I was going to be a cop too, but I decided to stay in high school and get a diploma instead.

7. I'm sorry that neither you nor your wife knows how to iron your uniform.

8. You're not going to check for drugs, are you?

9. OK. I'll get out of the car. Just don't ask me to open the trunk.

10. Would a hundred dollar bill be enough to make you forget that you pulled me over and not write that ticket?

11. The officer in the last town just gave me a warning. Can you just give me one too?

12. I thought all motorcycle cops wore those mirror sunglasses. Honestly, you really should.

13. I ran out of booze, and I was trying to get to the liquor store before I lost the buzz.

14. Oh, officer! Can you give me a 'pat down?' I just LOOVVE sooo much getting a 'pat down.' Maybe even, you can frisk me! How about a 'full body cavity' search? Oooohh, gooddee, I can't wait!!

15. Sorry I was speeding. I just found this car with the engine running in somebody's driveway a few minutes ago and I'm not used to how it handles.

16. Darn, and I thought the FBI hadn't figured out it was me! I wonder why they sent you to pick me up.

17. I can tell from your gut, that if I get out of the car and start running that you'll never catch me. Would you shoot me in the back?

18. If you touch me with your billy club, I'll sue for police brutality!

19. How come a guy your age is still working as a cop? Did they cut back on your retirement benefits?

20. You do know that getting tasered turns me into Captain America, don't you?

21. Hey, you interfere with my business, and my boss make-a you sleep with da fishes, Kapiche? An, my boss has-a you boss on the take.

22. Ah, so you're from the Schnootville police department? Glad to meet you. Agent Jones, FBI! Deep undercover, so my ID doesn't say it.

23. Sorry I was speeding, this is my getaway car from the bank!

24. You're not really the guy I was supposed to meet from al-Qaeda, are you?

25. As long as I have your attention, I'm a taxpayer, and I'm FED UP with how much of my money they waste on you guys! All you do is sit on your behind and eat donuts all day, in between hassling law abiding Americans! I told my state senator that they should fire half of you, and pay the rest of you minimum wage!

26. You only have a 9 mm? Here, look at my .44 Magnum!

[ke7ejx]

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[Cow Poke]

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

Same story, but cannibal restaurant, and various prices for meals....

Southern Gentleman - $9.95
New York Yankee - $12.95
West Virginia Hillbilly - $38.95

Waiter's response to why WVH is so expensive....

"have you ever tried CLEANING one of those fellas?"

[ke7ejx]

Same story, but cannibal restaurant, and various prices for meals....

Southern Gentleman - $9.95
New York Yankee - $12.95
West Virginia Hillbilly - $38.95

Waiter's response to why WVH is so expensive....

"have you ever tried CLEANING one of those fellas?"

Hilarious!

[roadwalker]

Every now and then, there is an article in the paper that belongs on this page:

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/art...-goat-man.html

"A man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah has wildlife officials worried he could be in danger as hunting season approaches."


Uh, yeah. DON'T SHOOT at the goat with a zipper on it!