Introverts & Confidence- Relation?

[princesa]

Why does confidence fluctuate?

Does learning (by reading or otherwise) contribute to the self image that governs behavior?

Why does lack of confidence affect speech..i.e. muttering etc.?

Should I be concerned that for long periods I find myself confident in social settings and the other times i am more reserved, moreso than i would like to be and without finding the "why" of it even after critical self analysis?

Is it unique that after reading informative books on theology/religion/logic/debate/classic literature your confidence is boosted for the moment and when you've taken a hiatus on feeding your brain some intellectual stimulation your confidence level in social settings drops?

Why do extroverts appear so confident as to not even care that the selection of their words carries no intelligent meaning to others?

Just some random questions i've considered lately, feel free to pick and choose.

[Sparko]

I am a pretty quiet guy most of the time. I tend to be an introvert in new situations where I don't know the people there well. But if I am among people I know, I feel comfortable and pretty much let go.

I had to stand up in front of a room full of fellow employees the other day, around 40 people. Some of them I knew, others I didn't (big company) - I wasn't a bit nervous... until I had to step up to the podium. Then I got all tongue-tied. I don't really know why. It was basically just introducing myself and telling them what I did at the company. I stammered through it OK but I felt crazy nervous and self-conscious. Something about all those people watching me and my every word being amplified in the PA system. eek.

[princesa]

yes, i think something similar happened to me at an interview recently in which i bombed.

i was warned the woman who interviewed me is from Boston and does not like NY. i was told the last person she interviewed ran her over, so to speak, so I had a personality in mind.

i wasn't nervous on my way there, i was friendly when i met her but when she started asking me all of the HR questions i started realizing i couldn't "wing it" with this one, plus i wasn't prepared. But, in psychoanalysis, i'm hardly ever prepared for interviews but i still do great winging it and talking about my skills, but that day i know i bombed b/c something in my confidence level just went "kaput" and i can't put my finger on it.

plus she was one of those people that don't look at you but "stares" at you while talking. very unnerving.

[Sparko]

yes, i think something similar happened to me at an interview recently in which i bombed.

i was warned the woman who interviewed me is from Boston and does not like NY. i was told the last person she interviewed ran her over, so to speak, so I had a personality in mind.

i wasn't nervous on my way there, i was friendly when i met her but when she started asking me all of the HR questions i started realizing i couldn't "wing it" with this one, plus i wasn't prepared. But, in psychoanalysis, i'm hardly ever prepared for interviews but i still do great winging it and talking about my skills, but that day i know i bombed b/c something in my confidence level just went "kaput" and i can't put my finger on it.

plus she was one of those people that don't look at you but "stares" at you while talking. very unnerving.

yeah, I had noticed one of those "starers" in the audience when I was talking. She unnerved me. I was thinking "why is she glaring at me? am I saying something wrong?"

[princesa]

i wonder if "starers" realize their lack of a soft or even natural look during conversation comes off as offensive. they are, in essence, challenging every aspect of the conversation when they glare at you, it does not put one at ease, unless you happen to be a glarer yourself, in that instance it will be, not only the unspoken battle of who can appear the most confident in their glare but without fidgeting with their words as well.

[Sparko]

i wonder if "starers" realize their lack of a soft or even natural look during conversation comes off as offensive. they are, in essence, challenging every aspect of the conversation when they glare at you, it does not put one at ease, unless you happen to be a glarer yourself, in that instance it will be, not only the unspoken battle of who can appear the most confident in their glare but without fidgeting with their words as well.

well at least now I know how to unnerve a speaker if I don't like them. bwaahahahahaha.

[princesa]

if i put my mind to it, i can be a "starer" too, i've actually put it into practice before and did unnerve this person (my manager) who is accustomed to making others feel awkward. I know i got to him b/c as i responded to his queries without breaking my "stare" i saw him break his glance and even look down. It doesn't come natural to me though.

[Sparko]

[Sparko]

I think "confidence" directly correlates with your emotional comfort level in a situation.

[princesa]

yes, it does fluctuate and sometimes you can't pinpoint the why of it. Perhaps it can do with mood, i'm sure there are other contributing factors.

[Teluog]

i find that confidence is relative to how familiar you are with something, like speaking in front of an audience--if you aren't familiar with that then it's nerve wrecking, but with some experience and practice you get used to it.....right away even, ever notice how your confidence goes up the further you get into a speech?

i find this familiarity principle throughout all other areas of life as well. new things are kind of nerve wrecking because you are ignorant of what to do and what will happen when you do something, but once you learn then you find that there is less to worry about

[princesa]

i am confident in my skill set at work, yet, i hate interviews b/c it's just too contrived and i know i wind up sounding phony, it's hard to get excited enough about my job to try to sell myself even when my skills are excellent, it's something i have to work on. i used to do well on interviews when i was younger and more enthusiastic, now my career path is no longer interesting in the remotest sense and i'm sure it showed. I must fake the smile etc...it sucks.

[Alien]

I have a lot of thoughts on this .. I'll try to keep it brief.

For me, confidence is related to my own internal opinion of myself (do I consider myself to be worthy, skilled in the area I am addressing, in charge of my life, and so on) and also my opinion of the person I'm interacting with.

To address the second point, it's obviously easy to be confident when I am dealing with someone who is friendly and puts me at my ease. A good interviewer will do this and not try to make the interviewee feel insecure. That's the way to get the most information from the interview. The other approach is just an ego trip. Having said that, if the interviewer is my potential boss, I welcome the insight into his/her personality. Would I like to work for this person?

I used to lack confidence, but I discovered something that helped to change this and it relates to the first point. The question is, who decides my worthiness, me or other people? It is obvious (to me at least) that if you allow others to determine your worth, then you will spend your life being controlled, directly or indirectly, by other people. Once you decide that you, and only you, can be the final judge (*) of your thoughts, emotions and actions you will find yourself in a different place entirely.

This is not easy, as most of us have been brainwashed in childhood to believe that a "good" person is one who pleases others. It takes practice to break out of this mind set, but it's worth it.

A note for those who think this is a recipe for anarchy, or licentiousness. Who is more likely to guide you well, yourself or some other person who is trying to manipulate you for their own benefit? Also, it doesn't mean you don't do what the other person wants, it's just that you do it (or don't do it) based on your own judgment, rather than a fear of upsetting the other person.

(*) Obviously God is the final judge, this applies to relationships with other humans. For me, making my own judgment means, in many cases, submitting to God's judgment.

[MooseOnTheLoose]

I have Asperger's. If I can get through a conversation without making someone want to kill me or commit Hari Kiri then I consider the meeting a success.

[Moksha]

i am confident in my skill set at work, yet, i hate interviews b/c it's just too contrived and i know i wind up sounding phony, it's hard to get excited enough about my job to try to sell myself even when my skills are excellent, it's something i have to work on. i used to do well on interviews when i was younger and more enthusiastic, now my career path is no longer interesting in the remotest sense and i'm sure it showed. I must fake the smile etc...it sucks.

Yes it's hard to sell yourself on a job you're not excited about. I'm sure there are a whole heep of factors involved in confidence.
Self talk is a big one. "Accentuate the positive" and all that.
Very hard sometimes.
Funny how you were talking about the starers being aggressive. Again that comes down to the story you're telling yourself I think. I mean maybe they are aggressive but then again maybe they had a bad nights sleep and they are just struggling to keep their eyes open and look like they are paying attention.
Confident people probably tell themselves that the starers are just so enthralled by what they are saying that they can't help but stare.