Stories of Toodles

[ApologiaPhoenix]

My wife made it to round 2 on a writing contest of pony stories on a web site she's at. I wanted to share the entries she submitted to hear some feedback on her writing style There were some minor touches by myself and by Rayado, but by and large, it's her. Her pony was named Lickety Split and she wrote about a jousting competition first and then an archery contest. The stories were meant to be short and set in medieval times, no humans involved.

Please let me know what you think.


Event 1: Jousting

T”is the first day of the Extravaganza. Lickety Split went into the Cyan Lady’s temple and prayed. “Oh great Lady of Azuyan, with all of your power and magic, I pray to thee to guide me today. There will be those who have good intentions entering, and there will be those with bad intentions entering. Some will see this as a simple game, and others truly wish harm on other ponies. Guide me, my Lady, so I may show that the weak and sick can rise victorious and strong! May you also be honored in this competition.” Lickety Split’s pendant glowed brightly, feeling the presence of the Cyan Lady’s spirit. She gently opened her eyes and whispered, “May you be with me, my lady.” Lickety Split left beautiful, fresh cyan-colored roses and was ready to go.
As she put her armor, made of pure gold and chain mail suit on, her thoughts were of the times she trained herself as a sickly foal. She knew this competition was a big chance for her to show the other ponies that all ponies have a future worth living, not just the healthy ones. She looked at he rosary and prayed one last time before the competition began. “It’s time.” She whispered as she got in the arena, prepared to defeat her opponent.

Her opponent was Layla, the beautiful Reindeer Pony. Her beautiful stride is magnificent in itself. Lickety Split bowed and had her horn ready. One horn against two antlers can be difficult, and unicorns are most known for their magic, in which they are not allowed to use in this particular competition. “For the Lady, and for all those who are sickly, I will be victorious for them!” she exclaimed in her mind. Lickety Split had her helmet ready, “No matter what, I cannot lose!” Layla and Lickety Split scratched the ground with their hooves getting ready to charge into each other. “For Azuyan!” Lickety Split yelled as she and Layla charged at each other. The two dashed at each other and missed. Layla smirked, “Slow and steady wins the race. It’s the tortoise who wins, not the hare.” Lickety Split snarled, “For my family!” The two charged at each other again, this time Layla injured Lickety Split a bit. Layla mocked, “Give up already! Some champion of the Lady’s you are!” Blood streamed down Lickety Split’s face. “For the Lady!” Lickety Split yelled as they charged once again. This time Layla damaged Lickety Split even more. Lickety Split struggled a bit to get up, as Layla scoffed at her, “You weak, sickly little loser! You’re supposed to be a champion? I heard that you were sickly as a foal. You’re living proof that the sickly and weak don’t have a chance for living, and now, I’m going to finish you!” Lickety Split felt almost like giving up, when she heard a familiar voice scream from the audience, “Miss Lickety Split! We’re all counting on you! You can do this!” It was the sickly foal that had taken two clumsy baby steps the day before in front of her. “Show her our lives are worth living too!” another sickly foal responded. Her pendant glowed brightly again, and Lickety Split stood up bravely, “For the lives worth living!” she shouted as her and Layla charged at each other for the last time. The crowd waited in anticipation. “Ha!” Layla laughed, “See? You sickly pony’s don’t have a chance in life!”
“Are you sure?” Lickety Split smirked, when one of Layla’s antlers broke. Layla screamed, “Do you know how long it will take me to grow that antler back?” Lickety Split looked at Layla in the eyes, “Do you want to keep your other antler?” Fire burned in Lickety Split’s heart ready for anything. Layla saw this fire and knew she could not beat Lickety Split with only one antler; she would risk breaking her neck from trying to aim it at Lickety Split’s horn. Layla growled in rage and ran off. Lickety Split fell to the ground exhausted and the crowd cheered. She knew somehow, the Cyan Lady’s spirit was with her.


Event 2: Archery

Round two began; as Lickety Split walked into the arena, she saw the ponies she was up against. Lord Cherak, Grand Paladin for the Cyan Lady. Sir Romeo, a knight in shining armor. Seiji Star, prancing in with such elegance. Lucien, Nefarious Paladin for the evil, dark Lord Korr. Lastly, Xyk, a Grand Paladin for the Cyan Lady as well. Lord Cherak bowed to Lickety Split, “Champion of the Lady’s, I wish you luck.” Lickety Split bowed to Lord Cherak, “Thank you, Lord Cherak, I wish you luck as well.” Sir Romeo and Lickety Split bowed to each other as well. Seiji was too busy showing off her beautiful fur. Xyk and Lickety Split bowed to each other; then there was Lucien. He grinned evilly and laughed psychotically, “This will be fun wiping all of you slaves of the Lady out!”
Lord Cherak was the first one to go. He rose up to the sky and used his hooves to hold the bow. He aimed at the target and using his mouth, he shot the first arrow. The arrow hit close to the bulls-eye, but not quite on it. The ponies cheered for Lord Cherak. Sir Romeo took flight to the skies as well and aimed at the target; he fired and it also hit close to the bulls-eye. Seiji giggled, “Only the most beautiful will win!” Her tail held the bow. She aimed, shot, and it didn’t even hit the target! “Oh how embarrassing!” Seiji cried and ran away from the arena. Lucien was next, as he chuckled, “You will all kneel before Lord Korr!” The crowd shivered with fear. Lucien used his dark magic and aimed at the target. He fired and it hit the bulls-eye! Lucien looked at the two unicorns that were next, “Such beautiful ponies truly belong to Lord Korr.” Xyk’s legs trembled. She was next and using her magic she shot the arrow and it nearly hit the bulls-eye, but still missed. It was Lickety Split’s turn. She too used her magic and aimed, fired, and hit the bulls-eye!
It was the tiebreaker: Lucien versus Lickety Split. Lucien glared at her, Kneel before Lord Korr!”
“I will not,” Lickety Split exclaimed. “I only serve the Lady!” This time, the targets were moving. Lucien aimed, fired, and hit one of the targets, but missed the bulls-eye by one point. Lickety Split prayed to the Cyan Lady, “My Lady, guide my arrow to victory!” Her necklace glowed brightly. Her eyes were closed as she used her magic to aim the arrow. As soon as she opened her eyes, light shown from her eyes and she fired the arrow! The arrow hit the bulls-eye again! Lickety Split was declared victorious! Lucien let out a yell and used his dark magic to fire all of the arrows at Lickety Split. Lickety Split was about to get hit by all of the arrows, when a force shield covered her.
“Hm? Impossible!” Lucien screamed. Split was also amazed, “Could it be from the Cyan Lady?” Lucien was taken away and the crowd of ponies cheered excitedly for Lickety Split, “Finally,” she said under her breath, “it is finished.”

[Brandalf85]

I can say from writing stories that multiple people speaking in a single paragraph can be confusing. It becomes a big "Wall o' text'" and it can be confusing who is speaking or what is going on.

I used to do that too in my parodies until it was pointed out to me that it was confusing. As I write now, I have a paragraph with the action or story progression and usually when a character speaks, and anything like "And he said," or something is included in it, that is a different paragraph. It ceases to be a wall of text and makes for a much more readable story. As her story stands now, she would just need to space them out and it makes everything a bit better, if you ask me anyway (which you did).

If Toodles would ever like any advice from one writer to another (and I am not perfect in it), I'd be happy to help if possible.