Fighting temptation

[ApologiaPhoenix]

Hi JF.

First off, are you married already? If so, then you need to realize you already are to have your thoughts filled with one woman and honor her. That is what I have to do, so what is it that I do?

Watch what's on TV and movies. If you think there will be a revealing scene, such as women in swimwear, that you know how you'll react to, then don't watch it. Why even want to? Why would you want to fill your head with the thoughts of another woman when you have one? What is to be gained by doing such?

When you are in public, watch closely your interactions with the opposite sex. I would never offer counsel to a non-family woman alone. If I had an office at a church or place like that, I would make sure I had someone else in there with me, even if that's my wife which would be most preferable.

If you walk down the street and see someone coming you find attractive, look up if that means you'll avoid staring. Better still, just turn and look at your wife if you're walking with her.

Oh. Another good tip for movies. If you're in a theater with your woman and you know such a scene is coming, take the time to turn and look at her. If she asks you later why you did, tell her the truth. Just say "I don't want my eyes to be filled with any other woman but you." I know that's something that endeared my wife to me when we were dating and it's a practice that I have kept up.

Finally, as a man, remember how you are to love your wife. "As Christ loved the church." Those words ought to scare you silly. That's your command however and pray to God that you'll get the help to do just that. I pray every night to be a better husband.

[Xru]

Oh. Another good tip for movies. If you're in a theater with your woman and you know such a scene is coming, take the time to turn and look at her. If she asks you later why you did, tell her the truth. Just say "I don't want my eyes to be filled with any other woman but you."

Wow . . .you aer an operator TP. I wish I'd thought that line up!! Just kidding.

Watch what's on TV and movies. If you think there will be a revealing scene, such as women in swimwear, that you know how you'll react to, then don't watch it. Why even want to? Why would you want to fill your head with the thoughts of another woman when you have one? What is to be gained by doing such?

I hate tv for the exploitation of sex and violence in gaining and maintaining the attention of people. They have also developed technique to attract attention of the tv watcher such as quick movements of the camera. Watch some commercial and this is one of the things they do . . . the odd movements of the camera is a natural attraction to the eye.

I suggest not watching tv at all 'cause I find it incredibly exploitative for both men and women and because tv so often uses sensationalism to attract viewers.

When you are in public, watch closely your interactions with the opposite sex. I would never offer counsel to a non-family woman alone. If I had an office at a church or place like that, I would make sure I had someone else in there with me, even if that's my wife which would be most preferable.

It's sad that it has come to this and I agree. Any male who meets alone with a woman especially a single woman is opening himself to charges of sexual misconduct.

If you walk down the street and see someone coming you find attractive, look up if that means you'll avoid staring. Better still, just turn and look at your wife if you're walking with her.

Right . . .. . I usually take the strategy of just looking totally discussed and staring off into space like the woman is a piece of gutter trash . . . that works for me . .

[theblueprint_Ni]

Right . . .. . I usually take the strategy of just looking totally discussed and staring off into space like the woman is a piece of gutter trash . . . that works for me . .

lol

[T-Shirt Ninja]

I hark back to what OBP said; saying the Jesus prayer repetitively really helps in times when the temptation becomes strong. And don't be afraid of repetition. If you mean it every single time when you pray, then it is effectual. What Jesus warned about was vain repetition where the words become meaningless.

Also, I suggest fasting on a regular basis. By fasting I mean not eating meat or dairy for a day, etc. I don't mean skipping all meals for the day since that's unhealthy. In Orthodoxy, we normally fast from meat, dairy, olive oil, and alcohol on Wednesdays and Fridays with certain variations here and there. What fasting does is help with self-control. If you can be self controlled enough to fast, then you can be self controlled enough not to look at a woman with lust. Fasting really helps me not to lust after other women.

You may already do so, but pray with your wife every day. My guess is that she already knows you struggle with lust naturally because you're a man. If she doesn't, be sure to let her know so she can pray for you. A regular prayer routine with your wife is essential. It's something I struggle with because of my crazy work schedule but my marriage has been greatly strengthened because we pray together on a regular basis, even if it's just saying the Lord's prayer before we fall asleep at night which we have almost never failed to do. It's definitely true that a family that prays together stays together.

[Josheb]

How do you guys fight temptation? For me I am in the fight when I see a beautiful women such as victoria secret models on an advertisement or beautiful women that are wearing revealing cloths in public or whatever the devil uses to tempt me. So for me the holy spirit usually chimes in and says don't be thinking those thoughts they aren't good thoughts and sometimes I tell the devil to stop whispering that junk in my ear in the name of Christ who gives me strength and sometimes I think of Psalms 121 my life verse that God gives me the strength.

I have also noticed that if I'm not fighting temptation about seeing beautiful women then I'm in the fight against getting angry to quickly at strangers for things that I can't control and my anger on an scale of 1 to 10 ends up going from a 1 and shoots up to an 8. This is the fight that I am struggling the most with right now because in my human flawed self it apears that it isn't as controlable as the other. But anyway so how do you guys fight the temptation you have when it is tempting you?

I'm going to be blunt; polite and respectful, but blunt. First, I'm gonna suggest a simple rule: change the way you think and you will change the way you act. For as [a man] thinks within himself, so he is (Pr. 23:7 NAS). We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5 NIV).

Here's where you start changing your thinking: do you believe scripture or not?

If the answer to that question is "yes," then I will ask you, "do you claim every territory upon which you tread for Christ (including the terrain of your mind and the terrain of secular advertising)? Are you a member of a royal nation and a holy priesthood or not? Are you preparing yourself to one day judge angels?

James tells us that we are tempted by our own lusts (the NIV states it as "evil desires"). Do you believe that? If so it means it isn't the woman gazed upon tempting you (whether clad well or skimpily) but your own head and heart. Fix that and you fix the problem.

What is God's perspective on women? Does God make unattractive women? Does He make some women to be more sexually viable than others, or is that all the machinations of fallen men? By what authority do any of us assess the appearance of another? especially for the purpose of beauty of sexual arousal? Do you have God's perspective on women? Are you looking at that woman the way God sees her (especially your sisters in Christ)? Stop farting around.

After you get a handle on God's word and your head and heart submitted thereof, then get a handle on your biology. God made you. God made you (all men) a specific way: sperm builds up in the testes and semen in the prostate and it needs to be purged eventually. There's only three ways this happens: sex, masturbation, or nocturnal emissions. Embarrassment isn't part of the plan for a Godly man collaborating with the Holy Spirit to take dominion of his thoughts, emotions, volition, and body. Nocturnal emissions are the norm for the unmarried man living in societies that delay marriage. Get used to it and stop shaming yourself. Predatory conduct isn't part of the plan, either; so stop persuing women so you can gratify your biological needs outside of marriage and exploit the divine relationship between protector and nurturer (husbands and wives).

Once you find a wife then understand that there are many reasons to have sex: procreation, pleasure, fun, stress management, relationship enhancement, even as a solution to boredom. If you're married have sex. Or don't. But whatever you do or don't do guard your head and your heart and stand firm on and apply God's word.

There's a more important sociological condition that bears our attention. In Biblical times men and women were married throough family arrangements and not the spouses affinity or compatibility. It was often a political and economic arrangement (dowry exchanged for a bride price). Marriage occured soon after the onset of puberty (reproductive viabilty). This doesn't happen in modern societies: puberty is occuring earlier and marriage is delayed. The current average span between puberty and marriage in America is over 15 years! This means most Christians have a biological and relational drive for sexual activity (and the thoughts and emotions that accompany it) but no viable means of satisfying those needs. And the church does little or nothing to inform us or help us deal with it (when was the last time you heard what I've written here spoken of from the pulpit or your men's or women's groups?). You've been called by God to be His people and you made choices to be pure and choices to delay marriage. Take ownership of those choices and grow up. This is what it means to grow from childhood to adulthood, from boyhood to manhood. If you want to have sex then be the man who can become a husband, the man who can support himself intellectually, emotionally, volitionally, relationally, financially, and the man who can do that with and for an adult woman. Be prepared men: I've found that a competent woman is a force to be reckoned with and you will be hard pressed to keep up. You'll have to leave your moms if you want a wife. If you can't be a steward of yourself you have no business attmepting marriage. It is the most challenging thing you will ever do and if you do it well it will be the most satisfying endeavor engaged. It is not for the meek or lazy. Boys imagine sex. Men do marriage. If you spend your thoughts efforts and actions becoming a man you won't be idling fantasies of exploitational sexual gratification. Change the way you think...

So, when walking down the street or driving down the road or walking through the mall and observing the billboard or magazine cover understand that they're advertising dresses or bras or makeup - things you don't need! Understand that the've airbrushed those women to be unrealistic and therefore are practicing deception. Men: if you fill your mind with those images you are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure and contributing to your own demise; real women have curves and stretch marks and pimples and moles and I encourage you to love every micron of them when you find a spouse. Real men love real women. Boys indulge fantasy.

Watching movies with gratuitous nudity or sex scenes is another problem altogether. The first questions is, "why watch such movies?" What does it profit you? Well if you're an artist, a film maker, or appreciate the art of film then perhaps some of the movies containing nudity may be permissible for you because (like classical paintings) the nudity is a viable part of the visual story a fil tells, but in America those art movies won't be "Die Hard with an American Pie Basic Instinct Species of Harold and Kumar Wedding Crasher Hostels." Get your heads out of your anterior southern orifices. Change your thoughts and you'll change your actions. If you do find yourself sitting in a theatre when nudity occurs in an otherwise inoffensive movie then close your eyes and stop dwelling on the image - and the guilt that condemns you. Change your thoughts...

Gods word, biology, and social circumstance; those are the facts and the realities. Accept them. Embrace them. Engage it and deal with it. Running away in fear and shame is not God's best. Running away to resist the devil is. Insuring your desires are Godly is the best insulation from temptation. Change your thoughts...

Now for something a little more radical: it is fairly commonly understood amongst sociologists that liberals tolerate sex and conservatives tolerate violence. Consider how different our private world (and by extension our public world) might be if we didn't tolerate either outside of its poper place.

Unfortunately, most books on the subject are written for married men. The church woefully neglects the unmarried man, so if you know of books that address the matter of maturing from childhood to adulthood, or more specifically boyhood to manhood, or even more specifically addressing sex and the unmarried person from a Christian pov then please let me know. I work with many young adults, especially men, failing to grow up. Here's some recommended reading:

"Disciplines for a Godly Man" by J. Kent Hughes
"Samson and the Pirate Monks" by Nate Larkin (if there is a Samson Society in your area I encoruage you to seek it out)
"Maximized Manhood" by Edwin Lewis Cole
"Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey
"The Measure of a Man" by Gene Getz

Personally, I find "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn pablum. Many black men (I'm white) with whom I've talked about that book had difficulty relating to it. It has a few moments of truth and a lot of filler.

(apologies for the length)

[jesusfreak]

Thank you guys for all your post. They definately help alot. I struggled with it more before I was married then now that I am married. I have also gone to a few bible studies. One of them being Honor Begins at home. I also went to one with my wife on marriage but mainly the honor begins at home study and staying in a persuit of God and constantly reading the scripture references about God giving me strength and when Jesus said that even when a man looks at a woman lustfully has already commited adultery with her in his heart has been helping me. Also as my wife and I have focused on our marriage and improving our marriage and focusing on eachother has helped alot as well.