Heresy of the Month #1

[beanfarmer]

The Church of the Leaner Day Saints
by Beanfarmer and Sackcloth By permission (Kent Rasmussen)
Don't you hate it when someone you know comes up with some new thing that you have never heard about? You sit there in apparent ignorance as they pontificate about the proofs and merits of some idea so far beyond common knowledge that it can only be revealed by people of exceptional enlightenment such as they. Well now you have recourse! You can baffle your friends. Impress the opposite sex. It can be easily accomplished by joining the Heresy of the Month Club!

Imagine the deep sense of satisfaction you can feel the next time a Jehovah's Witless knocks on your door. When he says, "Have you heard about Jehovah's kingdom?"

You confidently reply, "Of course. But have you heard about the Church of the Leaner Day Saints?"

Invite him in and you become the one with the higher knowledge benevolently leading him down the path of truth. And you got it here, before anyone else, at Heresy of the Month!

This month's heresy, The Church of the Leaner Day Saints, finds it's origin in a rather creative interpretation of Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter ye in at the straight gate: For wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."

Yes, even Jesus himself, was known to be a thin person. How else could you get through that narrow gate? Jesus criticized the obese pharisees who were too fat to wear normal clothes.

"But all their works they do to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the boarders of their garments." Matthew 23:5

Consider the deep and profound symbolism of the dream of Pharaoh recorded in Genesis 41:1-7. Pharaoh sees 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. The lean ones eat the fat ones. Then he sees 7 fat ears of grain followed by 7 lean ears of grain. The lean consumes the fat. This is symbolic literature. Both the animal world and the vegetable world are included. This signifies the totality of God's condemnation of fat. The consuming doesn't mean that we are to eat fat people. It rather refers to the tendency we all have to consume what we love. This very thing was pointed out by Sigmund Freud and is intrinsically tied up in our subconscious desires to still be breast fed. Though we still love those who have fallen into the error of gluttony, we who are called of God to walk the narrow path must not fall into the same pit of obesity, for the fat are to be destroyed and the lean will prevail. Is it any wonder that Leviticus 4:31 says, "And he shall take away all the fat thereof"

The truth can more clearly be seen by critical analysis of some texts such as Leviticus 1:12 If one accounts for the obvious redactor's comment added between the words head and fat and corrects for the author's dyslexia then, "with his head and his fat" becomes, "with his fat head" which the author then instructs the reader to lay on the alter and cut to peaces.

But how, you may ask, is one to achieve this gaunt and salvific state? The answer can be found in Philipians 2:12: "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."

So we are to work out. But what type of exercise is best for entering that narrow gate? Certainly not weight training. Muscle bound meat heads could never fit in. Look at Ezekiel 34:16 "I will destroy the fat and the strong."

The scripture recommends running for that sevete look. Hebrews `12:1 states that we should lay aside every weight and run with patience.

Now you have the inside scoop. You are the enlightened one. Memorize these verses and you can astound anyone who hasn't read the Bible because they think it can't be understood. Be careful however not to read whole books of the Bible as a unit. That type of knowledge can be rightly interpreted only by super spiritually enlightened people, such as we here at Heresy of the Month.

Disclaimer
Any similarities between the heresies found in Heresy of the Month and ones that someone else made up are purely accidental except for where it is intentional. We refuse liability for the final resting place of the soul of anyone adhering to any of these beliefs; so if you end up in hell you can't sue us (even though you would have a lot of lawyers there with you who would take the case on a percentage.) Beliefs found in Heresy of the Month are not endorsed by Sackcloth and Ashes.

[KingsGambit]

We already have enough ridiculous heresies out there without making up new ones.

[David Hayward]

Nice bit of satirical humour.

David

[Hamster]

Nice Lipophobia, hater