We need advice from smart/married people!

[QuantaFille]

Not sure how to take that comment

He's no stranger to huge families.

[williamson8]

Oh, good. I didn't know if he was sending me up. It's hard to gauge people online.

[williamson8]

My Dad had seven brothers and two sisters. True story.

That's a big family. Six is my limit :-)

[RBerman]

I have no additional advice to give, just congratulations and wishes for a blessed marriage and careers.

[Michelle]

I'm going against the tide here but...

I lived with my in-laws for a while and, for us, it worked out pretty well. Of course we had moments of disagreement, but what relationship (except for the most shallow) doesn't? On the other hand, I learned tons from my mother-in-law and I now miss her a lot.

By the way, just in case you missed this when it was originally posted, or when it was quoted by Pilgrim, this is the most awesome advice I've heard in a long time:

Let me give some advice from someone who has a PhD, his wife has a Master's, and we have three kids:

1) Get married first. There is too much temptation out there, not just toward sin, but toward life. Education is important, but Christians always put people first, relationships first.
2) Wait on kids. If you are serious about education, get it all done before you have any kids. We waited (I defended my dissertation and had twins 35 hours later), and it was the right move for a few reasons. First, we were able to build our relationship strongly before allowing kids to enter into it, so our relationship is NOT based on children the way many are nowadays. Second, many of those who started with me finished years and years after me because of their children. I finished my PhD in under 4 years, and some of my friends took 7 or more because they had kids.
3) You will never ever be financially stable, so get used to that.
4) What dream matters more to you, education or marriage? This decision right now will define your relationship. A man is called to put his wife first in all things, so you need to begin thinking like that in your engagement time as well. do remember, though, that putting your spouse first can mean going against that person's wishes if there is a more godly or better option.

[MaxVel]

Quanta and RG, congratulations on being in an exciting time in your lives!

Lots of good advice and thinking in this thread, I'd like to add my slightly different perspective...

A wise friend once told me something like this: 'Marriage doesn't solve your problems. It adds their problems as well as yours.'

The point is not that marriage isn't great - it is - but that things don't necessarily get easier after you're married. I think that you may find it very difficult for one of you to finish your education after marriage if you've put it off to get married. If it is possible for Quanta to finish her degree first I think that would be wise. Then she has the freedom to work, start a family or whatever you want to do.

Another possibility (maybe?) is for you to get married when Quanta has one year to go, and for RG to have a 'gap year' in America while Quanta finishes her degree, then go back to the UK together...?


Anyway, the main thing I want to say is that you shouldn't necessarily be afraid to wait some time before getting married, if that looks like the best choice, all things considered.


My wife and I had to wait for some years before marrying (although we were in the same area in that time, so saw each other regularly) and I don't consider that wasted time. Some thing just can't happen on our timetables. Keep 'seeking God' - put Him at the centre of your lives, individually and together - and some wonderful things will happen (amid the struggles, trials and storms life brings us!).

[Carrikature]

Certain modern hang-ups really annoy me. Yes, there should be clear boundaries, but there's no reason to think that living with RG's mom is going to be some kind of disaster waiting to happen. Quanta's family is big and loud, and she's introverted and likes more quiet. If she has her space and RG's mom isn't all loud and whatnot, it shouldn't be any worse than her other flat-mate experiences. The whole "you gotta be alone" and "the mother-in-law is the devil" things are modern, largely western(and even then not throughout all the west) views that just don't line up with the experiences and practices of the vast majority of civilizations throughout human history.

Live with the mum-in-law. Don't go into it expecting it to be a disaster. And yeah, expect some adjustment and some need for boundary setting. You can always move out later if you really have to, but it will in most likelihood be fine.

It depends on the personalities involved. My wife had to make a conscious effort to stop running to her mother and start running to me. It was an issue between us for a while, and we didn't even live with her parents. I know my parents had a similar experience. It's something to consider, but not something to freak out about.

You also have to remember that other cultures differ fundamentally in important ways. First, it was normal/expected for one married couple to live in the same house as the parents. This still happens, but not very often in America. Second, children were raised to be adults. They were given chores that were their responsibility, and they would be married at a young age. Once upon a time, 16 was old. Now, late 20s and early 30s is the norm. Many women (and men) do not 'break' from their families until this time, making the predisposition to 'run to mommy' even worse. So yes, while this issue is often overstated, claiming that other civilizations didn't have this problem isn't really relevant.

Having said that, I'm sure Quanta and RG will do fine living with his mother. They (You) both seem to have your head on straight and are considering the issues intelligently. Good for you!

2. They get married sooner. Quanta moves to England. RG finishes his degrees. They move back to the States when they can. Since you can't always plan for this kind of thing, kids may have appeared by this point. I'm sure Quanta can get the raw skills necessary for her desired profession, but the other benefits of her potential degree(higher asking price for her work, good references, and whatnot) should be seriously considered here. Fitting the degree in may not be feasible at this point depending on their specific situation, too, so there's no guarantee there will even be a choice at this point.

My vote is for this. RG, it's already been mentioned, but I strongly suggest looking at job prospects in the US before deciding on a final degree plan. It may be that talking to people experienced in the field can help you narrow down a field that will accommodate both your desires and a realistic job prospect.

Know that getting married can make schooling harder, but it doesn't have to be that way. I've known a few couples that make it work well.


Congratulations to you both!


ETA: Just wanted to reiterate what Jaltus said about finances. There is no perfect time to get married, have children or buy a house. There's always somewhere for the money to go.