I have a project that some t webber might be willing to work on. It's apologetic satire. It's a remake of reefer madness called Jesus madness. It makes fun of atheist arguments against Christianity that you might hear anyplace adult bevorages are served. We threw in some urban legdions that were floating around rochester minnesnowta. It has been cut to 18 minutes and made but while adding sound effects some noise got on and you can not hear dialogue, so your job would be laying new sound track and any sound effects. It could be sold on t web and the profits used to support t web.



Doug Fattig



JESUS MADNESS

GRAPHIC - FBI WARNING- designed to look like FBI copyright warning on video taped movies

Federal Bureau of Irony: The material in this video presentation contains satire. If you are humor impaired you should not watch it. Severe psychological damage may be incurred if you ignore this warning

GRAPHIC – FBI WARNING

Do not make us come after you.

SCROLLING TEXT - DRUMS

The DRUMS start and stop and then start again, as if the next bit were added later as an after thought.

The film you are about to see contains graphic misrepresentations and explicitly twisted logic, in shockingly realistic depictions of real atheistic arguments such as those commonly found at NEA gatherings, or in ACLU declarations, or any place adult beverages are served. Children under 17 should not be allowed to see this film without parental supervision.

(Break in scrolling)

In fact, most parents should not be allowed to view it either. And no one without a well-developed sense of irony or at least a rudimentary understanding of satire should watch this film.

(Break in scrolling)

Because they might take it seriously.

(Break in scrolling)

Not that we don't want them to take it seriously. We would want them to take the satire seriously, because the ideas we are satirizing are held without satire by people who feel they are serious and would like to convince society that the satire is serious, (not their satire, our satire, which wouldn’t be satire if taken seriously) thus, effectively blocking the unspoken ideas behind our satire to ever successfully be appreciated by others in our culture who CAN understand satire.

(Break in scrolling)

Bastards

(Break in scrolling)

What we don't want, is for people who don’t realize it is satire, to take the satirical arguments un-satirically…

(Break in scrolling)

Or to think that we do.



SCENE 1 PTA Meeting

- Footage from Refer Madness
- Dr Carroll voice of southpark's mr mackey
addressing PTA

DR CARROL
Science is good, um k. The advances of science and the accompanying advance of knowledge have brought mankind to the very brink of utopia. It is within our grasp.

And yet…

There is a pestilence on our land. A plague that must be removed before mankind can achieve that next quantum leap forward in evolution um k. Like a weed from the dark ages of our past choking the garden of our progress, it denies to the herbs of knowledge the rich manure of science.

I am speaking of course, of Christianity um k. In our schools, shops and malls, our government, our suburbs, and our bathroom reading material, Christianity spreads fear and ignorance, fear of ignorance, and ignorance of fear er something. Christianity is bad um k.

The Bible is bad um k. It has been recopied for hundreds of years, and contains so many changes and mistakes that only glimpses of the pagan superstitions that spawned it remain. What difference, then, you may ask, does it make if a few ignorant souls believe in a book of dead superstitions? Seems harmless enough.

But believing the Bible is God's word is more dangerous than most people think. The attitude that one ought to believe such and such a proposition, independently of the question whether there is evidence in its favor, is required of anyone who takes the Bible seriously. And such an attitude produces hostility to evidence and closes our minds to every fact that does not suit our prejudices.

Literally hundreds of millions of people around the world see life through a strictly biblical lens, concocting end-of-the-world scenarios that would make your hair stand on end (and let me tell you, that would look silly um k). Fundamentalist prophets are convinced that we are living in "the last days," just before their God will reward the righteous (like the prophets, of course) and punish good, reason fearing, atheists like ourselves. Atheism is good um k.

Fixation on these, veeeery scary prophesies keeps people from actually doing anything to shape the future. Such beliefs easily lead to self-fulfilling prophecies and even suicidal tendencies.
It is not only intellectually but also morally that religion is pernicious. It teaches ethical codes that are not conducive to human happiness.

I'm sure most of you recall the incident involving Christians in our own community only a few months ago. It resulted in two dead, one in prison and another with a really nasty flesh wound. What you may not know, however, is the story behind it. But now I’m going to tell you……..

The rest of the story…um k
page 2.

FADE to SCENE 2

SCENE 2 Pre-Warning

-Footage from Refer Madness

BEVIS (voice bevis from show bevis & butthead)
By the way Ralph, I’m sorta giving a little party at my house next week. Do you wanna come? It will cool there will be chicks there. Heh heh.

RALPH (voice of pro wrestler randy savage)
Can I bring my bible?

BEVIS
Why’d ya wanna do something that weird?

RALPH
I don’t go anywhere without my Bible.

BEVIS
Ok I guess

RALPH
Then I’ll come. See ya.

SCENE 3 Warning

-Footage from Reefer Madness
-Kids walking down street

BUTTHEAD
Why do you hang out with that guy? Todd says he's bad news. Todd is the coolest guy I know, so he must be right."

BEVIS
Is he threating me?

BUTTHEAD
He believes all that stuff in the bible. Todd says that people like him are dangerous.

BEVIS
Heh heh

BUTTHEAD
Well, be careful. they learn a certain way to roll their tongues that can make you susceptible to hypnotic suggestion.

BEVIS
Oh, Christians are cool…just a little dumber than the rest of us heh heh.

BUTTHEAD
Yah..... heh heh heh.

SCENE 3 Invitation

- Footage from Refer Madness
-Kids in car - KENNY and RALPH walking up.

RALPH
Hey kids, wait up.

KENNY Voice of peter griffin from family guy
Say kids, we're having a little Bible Study over at my place, Wanna come?

MARY
Nah, Kenny we’re not into that religious crap.

RALPH (Rolling tongue)
Jimmy, how about you. It’ll be grrrrrrrreat fun.

JIMMY voice of boomhower from king of the hill
Darn That sounds swell sis. Can I go?…

MARY
I don’t know jimmy”

KENNY (Rolling tongue)
Don’t worry Mary., we'll see to it that he has a rrrrrrrrreally neat time."

MARY
Um ok I guess.

JIMMY
Thanks sis. Man I'll tell ya what, you’re swell!

SCENE 4 FBI Office

- Footage from Refer Madness
- FBI Office

FBI GUY voice of hank hill
Churches have had enormous influence upon the communities in which they flourish, I'll tell you what.

DR CARAL
Why?

FBI GUY
As soon as absolute truth is supposed to be contained in the sayings of a certain man, there is a body of experts to interpret his sayings, and these experts infallibly acquire power, since they hold the key to truth. Like any other privileged caste, they use their power for their own advantage, I'll tell you what. They are, however, in one respect worse than any other privileged caste, since it is their business to expound an unchanging truth, revealed once for all in utter perfection, so that they become necessarily opponents of all intellectual and moral progress. It's assinine.

DR. CAROL
Can't you do something um k?

FBI GUY
Like what?

DR. CAROL
I don’t know…. Um,,, ban prayers in school, make posting of the ten commandments illegal, replace Christmas with quwanza…..um k.

FBI GUY
That would make sense, but…., Our hands are tied. Anything we tried to do would be blocked by the Christian coalition, or some other politically active Christian group. They simply have too much power. I'll tell you what. You should see my files.

DR. CAROL
What files?

FBI GUY (Walks to file cabinet)
Oh, we have tons of files…. Anti abortion groups, evangelists, that veggie tales thingy… Here's a copy of a bill before congress that would allow prayers at high school football games. Uuuhhhhhh. If we allow that who knows what’s next? Graduation? Grace before meals?

DR. CAROL
No! Right out in public?

FBI GUY
I'll tell you what, sombody should kick their asses!

SCENE 5 Potluck

- Footage from Refer Madness
- Kitchen: May’s apartment. Kenny is getting food out of the fridge.

MAY voice of Lowis Griffen from family guy
Don't you ever stop eating?

KENNY
A man’s gotta eat somewhere.

MAY (interrupting)
but your eaten me out of house and home.

KENNY
What’d ya expect me to do about it?

MAY
Hey, what if we started getting the people we convert to bring food?

KENNY
How would we do that? Besides, there's no telling what will end up in the pot… hey wait a minute… that's it! We could call it "Pot Luck" cause if you were lucky somebody might bring something that you like.

SCENE 6 Malt Shop

- Footage from Reefer Madness

KENNY
Hey kid, come here. I want to talk to ya.

JIMMY
Darn What’s up Kenny?

KENNY
Kid, ever hear of… Dispensationalism? You see the bible is divided into Fifty Seven different dispensations. What the bible means when it says something is dependant on which dispensation it’s in.

JIMMY
Darn ol surely you're kidding?

KENNY
Don't call me Shirly. The Sermon on the Mount in Mathew 5 doesn’t really apply today. It was from a different dispensation.

JIMMY
But how do…

KENNY
Kinda like the ten commandments. You see, they don’t apply today cause they are from the dispensation of law.

JIMMY
What darn ol dispensation is this?…

KENNY
The dispensation of grace. I think it’s number 49 or so. We’re getting close to running out.

JIMMY
What about darn ol people who don’t believe this?

KENNY
They’re damned I guess. Because they don’t believe what we do.

SCENE 7 Bible Study

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Bible study

KENNY
Well hello

MAN (walking in door)
Hi

KENNY
Come on in… There’s the bell again.

KENNY
Hi

RALPH
The living room?

KENNY
Yeah… Jimmy, Ruth. Say, swell threads Bill!

JIMMY
Hi!

BILL voice of billy mays really loud austrian pitch man
Uh, yeah…mate

BLANCH
Bill, don’t just stand there, we’re studying the book of Leviticus, isn’t this exciting! (Where’d you get your Jacket?)

MAY
Hey Jimmy… Say Kenny, is every one here? (does a double take at Bill’s jacket) whoa! Nice Jacket!

BLANCH
May, this is Bill; he’s going to study Leviticus with us! (In a girlish squeal)

BILL
Well, um

BLANCH
Plus he’s got a swell Jacket and everything…

MAY
Yes I noticed. We'll have a grrrrrreat time Bill I know you will.

BLANCH
You’ll see, this’ll be just as exciting as when we did genealogies.

BILL
Um, do you wanna cigarette…

BLANCH
(interrupting) Oh no, we don’t smoke… here’s May… Oh Goodie! Communion! Here ya go Bill…

MAY
Anyone?

RALPH
Don’t forget me!

MAY
I could never forget you Ralph!


SCENE 8 Dr Carol’s Office

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Principal’s office at school. Dr. Carol talking to Bill in an office.

DR. CAROL
Bill, I’ve heard that you’ve been experimenting with Christianity.

BILL
Oh, no, no, no. Well maybe. A bit. I did do an amazing bible study.

DR. CAROL
The Bible is bad, um k.

BILL
And I’ve prayed, just a bit. In church....... but I didn't inhale er I mean raise my hands.

DR. CAROL
Praying is bad, um k. You think it’s all fun and games but I’m telling you it can lead to far more dangerous stuff um k.

BILL
Surely you're kidding?

DR. CAROL
Don't call me Shirly um k. Have you considered the implications of Christian teaching on sex, for instance? Every person who has taken the trouble to study the question in an unbiased spirit knows that the artificial ignorance on sex subjects which Christians attempt to enforce upon the young is extremely dangerous to mental and physical health, um k, and causes in those who pick up their knowledge by the way of "improper" talk, as most children do, an attitude that sex is in itself indecent and ridiculous. They may even become homophobic um k.

BILL
How?

DR. CAROL
Every boy is interested in trains um k. Suppose we told him that an interest in trains is wicked; suppose we kept his eyes bandaged whenever he was in a train or on a railway station; suppose we never allowed the word "train" to be mentioned in his presence and preserved an impenetrable mystery as to the means by which he is transported from one place to another um k. The result would not be that he would cease to be interested in trains; on the contrary, he would become more interested than ever but would have a morbid sense of sin, because this interest had been represented to him as improper um k. He would become more or less diseased nervously as a result of the taboo on sex knowledge when he was young um k.

BILL
Awh…

DR. CAROL
Well, I can see this is going nowhere… Christianity is bad, um k.


SCENE 9 Hymn

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- kenny arguing in kitchen with may

MAY
Those kids look a little antsy.

KENNY
It’s Leviticus, what’da’ya expect?

MAY
But if they get too distracted they might start to think, and you know where that could lead.

KENNY
You worry too much. What do you think I got the piano player for?

MAY
Why, you don’t mean…

KENNY
Yes - hymns. The hypnotic rhythms will have them dancing in ecstatic fits in a few minutes. After that, they wont have any more IQ than yesterdays boiled cabbage.


(Weird piano player playing hymns and kids dancing wildly)

SCENE 10 Train

- Footage from Reefer Madness
TRAIN SOUNDS in background.

RALPH
Say, isn’t that a train?

SCENE 11 Drive By

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Have go cart 4 sound effects

JIMMY
where to?

KENNY
I wanna tell you about Calvinism, and Armenianism. You see, Calvinism is good but Armenianism is bad.

JIMMY
How dang bad and why?

KENNY
Damnable bad because our group doesn't believe in it. You see jimmy the bible just doesn't support those who don't believe in predestination.

JIMMY
Don't ya mean dang ol bad?

KENNY
No. It detracts from the doctrine of grace and …
Hey! There’s an Armenian now! ROADHOUSE!!!

(Hit & hit & run)

BYSTANDER
Are you all right?

ARMENIAN
It’s only a flesh wound.

BYSTANDER
But your arm is off!

ARMINIAN
I've had worst. Must have been a Presbyterian.

cat meeeow

BYSTANDER
Will someone get that cat outta here?
SCENE 12 Beating

- Footage from Reefer Madness

BLANCH
It says here in proverbs “the rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame."

RALPH
Yeah, that’s right, lets try it.
what is the air speed velocity…. Of an unladened…… swallow?

KENNY
Roadhouse!
(Begins beating Kenny with rod.)
(sound of breaking glass)
RALPH
I’m afraid that’s not quite wise enough.

KENNY
Pork?

RALPH
Sorry.

BLANCH
I guess we killed Kenny. We must be bastards.

SCENE 13 (Ooooo, scary) Apocalypse

- Footage from Reefer Madness
-Blanch walking with old lady thinking to herself.


BLANCH (ID)
Hmmm… Hal Lindsey says that the end of the world is near. But he said that decades ago and nothing has happened. I wonder if he was wrong? But he couldn’t be because why else would they have made “left behind?” oh wait! what if it already happened? What if the pre trib rapture Kenny told me about already happened? But that means I have to go through the tribulation! Don’t wanna do that! I wish I could join Kenny now. (looks at window) yeah…

I live for this shiiiiiiii…

(Sound of wet towel splatting on wet bathroom floor)

SCENE 14 Final

FADE to PTA meeting.

- Footage from Reefer Madness

DR. CAROL

The knowledge exists by which universal happiness can be secured; the chief obstacle to its utilization for that purpose is the teaching of Christianity. Christianity prevents our children from having a rational education; Christianity prevents us from removing the fundamental causes of war; Christianity prevents us from teaching the ethic of scientific co-operation in place of the old fierce doctrines of sin and punishment. It is possible that mankind is on the threshold of a golden age; but, if so, it will be necessary first to slay the dragon that guards the door, and this dragon is Christianity, um k.

Because the next child it affects might be yours.

Or yours.

Or yours.

Or yours. Um k.


FADE OUT.
Video credits

Produced by Beanfarm productions in very loose association with sackcloth and ashes

Writers Jon Doty and Beanfarmer

Directed by did it actually look like anyone was in charge?

Lighting whoever was closest to the light switch

Score no one scored during the production of this movie but people who were married
to each other.

Computer Some TWebber if I can talk them into it

Key gripe I guess that would be the beanfarmer cause he complained the most.

Sound Some TWebber if I can talk them into it

Voices Jess and Anne and Josh Fattig cousins, but not the kissing kind.

Stunts There were no stunts unless you count slapping a wet towel on concrete

No vegetation was harmed in the production of this movie.

And only a few minerals
I have a project that some t webber might be willing to work on. It's apologetic satire. It's a remake of reefer madness called Jesus madness. It makes fun of atheist arguments against Christianity that you might hear anyplace adult bevorages are served. We threw in some urban legdions that were floating around rochester minnesnowta. It has been cut to 18 minutes and made but while adding sound effects some noise got on and you can not hear dialogue, so your job would be laying new sound track and any sound effects. It could be sold on t web and the profits used to support t web.



Doug Fattig



JESUS MADNESS

GRAPHIC - FBI WARNING- designed to look like FBI copyright warning on video taped movies

Federal Bureau of Irony: The material in this video presentation contains satire. If you are humor impaired you should not watch it. Severe psychological damage may be incurred if you ignore this warning

GRAPHIC – FBI WARNING

Do not make us come after you.

SCROLLING TEXT - DRUMS

The DRUMS start and stop and then start again, as if the next bit were added later as an after thought.

The film you are about to see contains graphic misrepresentations and explicitly twisted logic, in shockingly realistic depictions of real atheistic arguments such as those commonly found at NEA gatherings, or in ACLU declarations, or any place adult beverages are served. Children under 17 should not be allowed to see this film without parental supervision.

(Break in scrolling)

In fact, most parents should not be allowed to view it either. And no one without a well-developed sense of irony or at least a rudimentary understanding of satire should watch this film.

(Break in scrolling)

Because they might take it seriously.

(Break in scrolling)

Not that we don't want them to take it seriously. We would want them to take the satire seriously, because the ideas we are satirizing are held without satire by people who feel they are serious and would like to convince society that the satire is serious, (not their satire, our satire, which wouldn’t be satire if taken seriously) thus, effectively blocking the unspoken ideas behind our satire to ever successfully be appreciated by others in our culture who CAN understand satire.

(Break in scrolling)

Bastards

(Break in scrolling)

What we don't want, is for people who don’t realize it is satire, to take the satirical arguments un-satirically…

(Break in scrolling)

Or to think that we do.



SCENE 1 PTA Meeting

- Footage from Refer Madness
- Dr Carroll voice of southpark's mr mackey
addressing PTA

DR CARROL
Science is good, um k. The advances of science and the accompanying advance of knowledge have brought mankind to the very brink of utopia. It is within our grasp.

And yet…

There is a pestilence on our land. A plague that must be removed before mankind can achieve that next quantum leap forward in evolution um k. Like a weed from the dark ages of our past choking the garden of our progress, it denies to the herbs of knowledge the rich manure of science.

I am speaking of course, of Christianity um k. In our schools, shops and malls, our government, our suburbs, and our bathroom reading material, Christianity spreads fear and ignorance, fear of ignorance, and ignorance of fear er something. Christianity is bad um k.

The Bible is bad um k. It has been recopied for hundreds of years, and contains so many changes and mistakes that only glimpses of the pagan superstitions that spawned it remain. What difference, then, you may ask, does it make if a few ignorant souls believe in a book of dead superstitions? Seems harmless enough.

But believing the Bible is God's word is more dangerous than most people think. The attitude that one ought to believe such and such a proposition, independently of the question whether there is evidence in its favor, is required of anyone who takes the Bible seriously. And such an attitude produces hostility to evidence and closes our minds to every fact that does not suit our prejudices.

Literally hundreds of millions of people around the world see life through a strictly biblical lens, concocting end-of-the-world scenarios that would make your hair stand on end (and let me tell you, that would look silly um k). Fundamentalist prophets are convinced that we are living in "the last days," just before their God will reward the righteous (like the prophets, of course) and punish good, reason fearing, atheists like ourselves. Atheism is good um k.

Fixation on these, veeeery scary prophesies keeps people from actually doing anything to shape the future. Such beliefs easily lead to self-fulfilling prophecies and even suicidal tendencies.
It is not only intellectually but also morally that religion is pernicious. It teaches ethical codes that are not conducive to human happiness.

I'm sure most of you recall the incident involving Christians in our own community only a few months ago. It resulted in two dead, one in prison and another with a really nasty flesh wound. What you may not know, however, is the story behind it. But now I’m going to tell you……..

The rest of the story…um k
page 2.

FADE to SCENE 2

SCENE 2 Pre-Warning

-Footage from Refer Madness

BEVIS (voice bevis from show bevis & butthead)
By the way Ralph, I’m sorta giving a little party at my house next week. Do you wanna come? It will cool there will be chicks there. Heh heh.

RALPH (voice of pro wrestler randy savage)
Can I bring my bible?

BEVIS
Why’d ya wanna do something that weird?

RALPH
I don’t go anywhere without my Bible.

BEVIS
Ok I guess

RALPH
Then I’ll come. See ya.

SCENE 3 Warning

-Footage from Reefer Madness
-Kids walking down street

BUTTHEAD
Why do you hang out with that guy? Todd says he's bad news. Todd is the coolest guy I know, so he must be right."

BEVIS
Is he threating me?

BUTTHEAD
He believes all that stuff in the bible. Todd says that people like him are dangerous.

BEVIS
Heh heh

BUTTHEAD
Well, be careful. they learn a certain way to roll their tongues that can make you susceptible to hypnotic suggestion.

BEVIS
Oh, Christians are cool…just a little dumber than the rest of us heh heh.

BUTTHEAD
Yah..... heh heh heh.

SCENE 3 Invitation

- Footage from Refer Madness
-Kids in car - KENNY and RALPH walking up.

RALPH
Hey kids, wait up.

KENNY Voice of peter griffin from family guy
Say kids, we're having a little Bible Study over at my place, Wanna come?

MARY
Nah, Kenny we’re not into that religious crap.

RALPH (Rolling tongue)
Jimmy, how about you. It’ll be grrrrrrrreat fun.

JIMMY voice of boomhower from king of the hill
Darn That sounds swell sis. Can I go?…

MARY
I don’t know jimmy”

KENNY (Rolling tongue)
Don’t worry Mary., we'll see to it that he has a rrrrrrrrreally neat time."

MARY
Um ok I guess.

JIMMY
Thanks sis. Man I'll tell ya what, you’re swell!

SCENE 4 FBI Office

- Footage from Refer Madness
- FBI Office

FBI GUY voice of hank hill
Churches have had enormous influence upon the communities in which they flourish, I'll tell you what.

DR CARAL
Why?

FBI GUY
As soon as absolute truth is supposed to be contained in the sayings of a certain man, there is a body of experts to interpret his sayings, and these experts infallibly acquire power, since they hold the key to truth. Like any other privileged caste, they use their power for their own advantage, I'll tell you what. They are, however, in one respect worse than any other privileged caste, since it is their business to expound an unchanging truth, revealed once for all in utter perfection, so that they become necessarily opponents of all intellectual and moral progress. It's assinine.

DR. CAROL
Can't you do something um k?

FBI GUY
Like what?

DR. CAROL
I don’t know…. Um,,, ban prayers in school, make posting of the ten commandments illegal, replace Christmas with quwanza…..um k.

FBI GUY
That would make sense, but…., Our hands are tied. Anything we tried to do would be blocked by the Christian coalition, or some other politically active Christian group. They simply have too much power. I'll tell you what. You should see my files.

DR. CAROL
What files?

FBI GUY (Walks to file cabinet)
Oh, we have tons of files…. Anti abortion groups, evangelists, that veggie tales thingy… Here's a copy of a bill before congress that would allow prayers at high school football games. Uuuhhhhhh. If we allow that who knows what’s next? Graduation? Grace before meals?

DR. CAROL
No! Right out in public?

FBI GUY
I'll tell you what, sombody should kick their asses!

SCENE 5 Potluck

- Footage from Refer Madness
- Kitchen: May’s apartment. Kenny is getting food out of the fridge.

MAY voice of Lowis Griffen from family guy
Don't you ever stop eating?

KENNY
A man’s gotta eat somewhere.

MAY (interrupting)
but your eaten me out of house and home.

KENNY
What’d ya expect me to do about it?

MAY
Hey, what if we started getting the people we convert to bring food?

KENNY
How would we do that? Besides, there's no telling what will end up in the pot… hey wait a minute… that's it! We could call it "Pot Luck" cause if you were lucky somebody might bring something that you like.

SCENE 6 Malt Shop

- Footage from Reefer Madness

KENNY
Hey kid, come here. I want to talk to ya.

JIMMY
Darn What’s up Kenny?

KENNY
Kid, ever hear of… Dispensationalism? You see the bible is divided into Fifty Seven different dispensations. What the bible means when it says something is dependant on which dispensation it’s in.

JIMMY
Darn ol surely you're kidding?

KENNY
Don't call me Shirly. The Sermon on the Mount in Mathew 5 doesn’t really apply today. It was from a different dispensation.

JIMMY
But how do…

KENNY
Kinda like the ten commandments. You see, they don’t apply today cause they are from the dispensation of law.

JIMMY
What darn ol dispensation is this?…

KENNY
The dispensation of grace. I think it’s number 49 or so. We’re getting close to running out.

JIMMY
What about darn ol people who don’t believe this?

KENNY
They’re damned I guess. Because they don’t believe what we do.

SCENE 7 Bible Study

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Bible study

KENNY
Well hello

MAN (walking in door)
Hi

KENNY
Come on in… There’s the bell again.

KENNY
Hi

RALPH
The living room?

KENNY
Yeah… Jimmy, Ruth. Say, swell threads Bill!

JIMMY
Hi!

BILL voice of billy mays really loud austrian pitch man
Uh, yeah…mate

BLANCH
Bill, don’t just stand there, we’re studying the book of Leviticus, isn’t this exciting! (Where’d you get your Jacket?)

MAY
Hey Jimmy… Say Kenny, is every one here? (does a double take at Bill’s jacket) whoa! Nice Jacket!

BLANCH
May, this is Bill; he’s going to study Leviticus with us! (In a girlish squeal)

BILL
Well, um

BLANCH
Plus he’s got a swell Jacket and everything…

MAY
Yes I noticed. We'll have a grrrrrreat time Bill I know you will.

BLANCH
You’ll see, this’ll be just as exciting as when we did genealogies.

BILL
Um, do you wanna cigarette…

BLANCH
(interrupting) Oh no, we don’t smoke… here’s May… Oh Goodie! Communion! Here ya go Bill…

MAY
Anyone?

RALPH
Don’t forget me!

MAY
I could never forget you Ralph!


SCENE 8 Dr Carol’s Office

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Principal’s office at school. Dr. Carol talking to Bill in an office.

DR. CAROL
Bill, I’ve heard that you’ve been experimenting with Christianity.

BILL
Oh, no, no, no. Well maybe. A bit. I did do an amazing bible study.

DR. CAROL
The Bible is bad, um k.

BILL
And I’ve prayed, just a bit. In church....... but I didn't inhale er I mean raise my hands.

DR. CAROL
Praying is bad, um k. You think it’s all fun and games but I’m telling you it can lead to far more dangerous stuff um k.

BILL
Surely you're kidding?

DR. CAROL
Don't call me Shirly um k. Have you considered the implications of Christian teaching on sex, for instance? Every person who has taken the trouble to study the question in an unbiased spirit knows that the artificial ignorance on sex subjects which Christians attempt to enforce upon the young is extremely dangerous to mental and physical health, um k, and causes in those who pick up their knowledge by the way of "improper" talk, as most children do, an attitude that sex is in itself indecent and ridiculous. They may even become homophobic um k.

BILL
How?

DR. CAROL
Every boy is interested in trains um k. Suppose we told him that an interest in trains is wicked; suppose we kept his eyes bandaged whenever he was in a train or on a railway station; suppose we never allowed the word "train" to be mentioned in his presence and preserved an impenetrable mystery as to the means by which he is transported from one place to another um k. The result would not be that he would cease to be interested in trains; on the contrary, he would become more interested than ever but would have a morbid sense of sin, because this interest had been represented to him as improper um k. He would become more or less diseased nervously as a result of the taboo on sex knowledge when he was young um k.

BILL
Awh…

DR. CAROL
Well, I can see this is going nowhere… Christianity is bad, um k.


SCENE 9 Hymn

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- kenny arguing in kitchen with may

MAY
Those kids look a little antsy.

KENNY
It’s Leviticus, what’da’ya expect?

MAY
But if they get too distracted they might start to think, and you know where that could lead.

KENNY
You worry too much. What do you think I got the piano player for?

MAY
Why, you don’t mean…

KENNY
Yes - hymns. The hypnotic rhythms will have them dancing in ecstatic fits in a few minutes. After that, they wont have any more IQ than yesterdays boiled cabbage.


(Weird piano player playing hymns and kids dancing wildly)

SCENE 10 Train

- Footage from Reefer Madness
TRAIN SOUNDS in background.

RALPH
Say, isn’t that a train?

SCENE 11 Drive By

- Footage from Reefer Madness
- Have go cart 4 sound effects

JIMMY
where to?

KENNY
I wanna tell you about Calvinism, and Armenianism. You see, Calvinism is good but Armenianism is bad.

JIMMY
How dang bad and why?

KENNY
Damnable bad because our group doesn't believe in it. You see jimmy the bible just doesn't support those who don't believe in predestination.

JIMMY
Don't ya mean dang ol bad?

KENNY
No. It detracts from the doctrine of grace and …
Hey! There’s an Armenian now! ROADHOUSE!!!

(Hit & hit & run)

BYSTANDER
Are you all right?

ARMENIAN
It’s only a flesh wound.

BYSTANDER
But your arm is off!

ARMINIAN
I've had worst. Must have been a Presbyterian.

cat meeeow

BYSTANDER
Will someone get that cat outta here?
SCENE 12 Beating

- Footage from Reefer Madness

BLANCH
It says here in proverbs “the rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame."

RALPH
Yeah, that’s right, lets try it.
what is the air speed velocity…. Of an unladened…… swallow?

KENNY
Roadhouse!
(Begins beating Kenny with rod.)
(sound of breaking glass)
RALPH
I’m afraid that’s not quite wise enough.

KENNY
Pork?

RALPH
Sorry.

BLANCH
I guess we killed Kenny. We must be bastards.

SCENE 13 (Ooooo, scary) Apocalypse

- Footage from Reefer Madness
-Blanch walking with old lady thinking to herself.


BLANCH (ID)
Hmmm… Hal Lindsey says that the end of the world is near. But he said that decades ago and nothing has happened. I wonder if he was wrong? But he couldn’t be because why else would they have made “left behind?” oh wait! what if it already happened? What if the pre trib rapture Kenny told me about already happened? But that means I have to go through the tribulation! Don’t wanna do that! I wish I could join Kenny now. (looks at window) yeah…

I live for this shiiiiiiii…

(Sound of wet towel splatting on wet bathroom floor)

SCENE 14 Final

FADE to PTA meeting.

- Footage from Reefer Madness

DR. CAROL

The knowledge exists by which universal happiness can be secured; the chief obstacle to its utilization for that purpose is the teaching of Christianity. Christianity prevents our children from having a rational education; Christianity prevents us from removing the fundamental causes of war; Christianity prevents us from teaching the ethic of scientific co-operation in place of the old fierce doctrines of sin and punishment. It is possible that mankind is on the threshold of a golden age; but, if so, it will be necessary first to slay the dragon that guards the door, and this dragon is Christianity, um k.

Because the next child it affects might be yours.

Or yours.

Or yours.

Or yours. Um k.


FADE OUT.
Video credits

Produced by Beanfarm productions in very loose association with sackcloth and ashes

Writers Jon Doty and Beanfarmer

Directed by did it actually look like anyone was in charge?

Lighting whoever was closest to the light switch

Score no one scored during the production of this movie but people who were married
to each other.

Computer Some TWebber if I can talk them into it

Key gripe I guess that would be the beanfarmer cause he complained the most.

Sound Some TWebber if I can talk them into it

Voices Jess and Anne and Josh Fattig cousins, but not the kissing kind.

Stunts There were no stunts unless you count slapping a wet towel on concrete

No vegetation was harmed in the production of this movie.

And only a few minerals