Dealing with an Ex (girlfriend specifically)

[Brandalf85]

I've been broken up with my girlfriend for about 3 months now. We tried to stay friends, but it failed. There's too much emotion and history to deal with. At last chat, a few weeks ago, we agreed just not to communicate anymore.

She called today, but I didn't pick up. Why? I just can't deal with it. Not to mention she said she wouldn't call or anything so I don't know why she is.

I've talked to a couple of other people regarding exes and they all agreed that they too can't remain friends with their exes for various reasons. There's emotional issues, temptation to go back to what it was based on emotion etc.

Does anyone have any sage advice on exes and how they'd deal with them? And has anyone here maintained a friendship after breaking up? Just something that was on my mind and figured I'd get some good replies here.

[KingsGambit]

I do think it's difficult to remain friends, not that I'm one to talk. It seems to often lead to a situation where one person wants to give it another try, and the other doesn't. I've been there myself. I guess the most important thing to consider in such a case (and I don't know that this necessarily applies to you, but maybe might apply more to somebody in her position) is honestly asking oneself why they are trying to initiate contact again - what they honestly want from the other person. Of course, being honest with one's self in such a situation can be difficult.

[Raphael]

I've had a grand total of two girlfriends.
My first girlfriend and I broke up when I was 19. We had little contact apart from one or two social occasions for 3 years
MY second girlfriend and I broke up when I was 21 after dating for 2 years. Apart from one phone call to see how I was after getting hijacked 3 weeks after we had broken up, she and I have not spoken in over 10 years, and I have had no interest in talking to her.

My first girlfriend texted me to wish me a happy 22nd birthday. We started talking and one thing lead to another and we've been married for 9 years in September (and have 4 beautiful girls).

[Sparko]

Brandalf, without going into too many details, is this the same girlfriend that caused so many problems a few years ago?

[ApologiaPhoenix]

It isn't Sparko. Princess and I both even got to talk to this girlfriend.

[Sparko]

It isn't Sparko. Princess and I both even got to talk to this girlfriend.

OK. cuz if it were, I would tell him to move, change phone numbers and go into witness protection!

[Littlejoe]

I do not know what a single one of my ex-girlfriends is doing or even where they are...and AFAIK, not one of my friends has a current friend that is an ex-girlfriend. As you said, there is too much history and emotion attached to the relationship usually for it to revert back to friendship.

There's even an old saying about it that sums it up... "Friendship often ends in love, but love never ends in friendship." I think it's pretty much true.

IMO, It's better to let her go completely and treat it like a loved one who has passed away, in time the hurt and pain fade...

[ApologiaPhoenix]

OK. cuz if it were, I would tell him to move, change phone numbers and go into witness protection!

I recommend the same thing to avoid Mossy with the Pin, except it just doesn't work.

[Sparko]

I recommend the same thing to avoid Mossy with the Pin, except it just doesn't work.

why do you think we took away her custom smilies?

[Chaotic Void]

I quit being friends, and I just steer clear of her if I see her (which can be fairly common... this is Saskatchewan- the Province with a Population of 1 Million- after all).

But then again, it wasn't really that hard for me to stop being a friend with her... she dumped me via e-mail two years ago after all.

[Carrikature]

Hm. Staying friends after a break-up is virtually impossible unless you were never that emotionally attached. Even then...

Your best bet is to cut off contact for as long as it takes. At some point, those emotions will die down. If you're in a situation where you still encounter them on occasion, it's ok to be polite, but keep conversation to a minimum...small-talk only. There may come a time when you are comfortable initiating contact again only as friends. I don't know all the details, of course, so that day may never come. Or it may take so long that by the time you get completely over her you see no need to talk to her ever again. I think that's more likely. Don't rush it, though.

My first girlfriend and I broke up at her urging, which I now have learned to respect. We tried staying in touch, but it just made things confusing. Both of us still really liked each other, and both of us wanted to be together still. It took me consciously stopping thoughts about her and talking about her, and about six months later, I was pretty much over her. I may make that sound easy, but it really wasn't. We hung out a couple of times after that, but I had really moved on in life (I was in college and she was not).

Not sure if that helps.

[Bill the Cat]

Hey Brandalf,

Friends after breakup usually lasts until you get with someone else. No current wants you talking to an ex. I know this from experience. And my wife and I went to High School together, so she knows all of my ex girlfriends. And I don't talk to any of them, but she does talk to a few on Facebook.

Best bet is to cut the strings while it is amicable.

[Teluog]

I have both of my exes on Facebook, though I rarely, if ever, talk to them or pay attention to them, like I do with a lot of people I have on Facebook. Not that I have any emotional baggage with them because both times the breakups were because of a lack of chemistry, so of course I never really stayed friends with any of them because I never really liked them as a friend to begin with. So neither of those relationships ever got emotional or serious.

[The Remonstrant]

I've been broken up with my girlfriend for about 3 months now. We tried to stay friends, but it failed. There's too much emotion and history to deal with. At last chat, a few weeks ago, we agreed just not to communicate anymore.

She called today, but I didn't pick up. Why? I just can't deal with it. Not to mention she said she wouldn't call or anything so I don't know why she is.

I've talked to a couple of other people regarding exes and they all agreed that they too can't remain friends with their exes for various reasons. There's emotional issues, temptation to go back to what it was based on emotion etc.

Does anyone have any sage advice on exes and how they'd deal with them? And has anyone here maintained a friendship after breaking up? Just something that was on my mind and figured I'd get some good replies here.

It's best to end things as civilly as possible (as far as it depends on you), of course (this isn't always possible). Damage control may be necessary (especially if you've come to learn you are dealing with a narcissist, a sociopath or someone who is otherwise mentally or emotionally troubled/disturbed). If you were caught deep in a relationship based on fornication or an otherwise sexual (or sexually-based) relationship, you need to get as far away as you can. Change phone numbers, shut down your Facebook or social networking sites (be careful with all that anyway), &c. If she lives in close proximity to where you do or frequents the same places you do (stores, gyms, &c.) or even the same church, it gets even more sticky (so to speak). As a man, if you believe it is a wise thing to do, you really need to have your mind made up pertaining to boundaries and what you are/aren't willing to put up with. If you want to end all contact genuinely, cleanse yourself of all double-mindedness and make it very clear to her by directly telling her the phone calls, e-mails -- all of it -- needs to stop. And stick with it. Don't cave or crack, break your rule or boundaries. If she is a twisted or dangerous person, wisdom is all the more required. Be discerning and wise; be a man (I'm lecturing myself too). Don't let yourself get sucked back in. This, unfortunately, is where many have failed. I encourage you to take hard and painful steps now that will be beneficial in the long run. Take care of yourself.

[Pilgrim]

People always want to be friends. Either because they don't want to feel alone or don't want to feel guilty. My best advice is to just cut contact. I might even go further, depending on your state of mind, and recommend that you toss all stuff she ever gave you, the cards, letters, etc. If you happen to see her be cordial. But there is no rule that says you have to be her friend. You do have to be nice, but a part of being nice is setting up the proper boundaries.