Story of gay family...just want to share

[Queen]

Betty DeGeneres and Esera Tuaolo on Faith, Football and Family

HRC FamilyNet Columnist Betty DeGeneres talks with former NFL defensive lineman Esera Tuaolo, the openly gay father of twins, who says, “Now we have … the American Dream. Two dogs, two children and two daddies.”

Betty DeGeneres: You are a former NFL [National Football League] football player who played with the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings – as a defensive tackle. I would have known that just looking at you.

Esera Tuaolo: That’s right. [laughing]

Betty: Is that a Super Bowl ring?

Tuaolo: Yes, it’s the runner-up ring. The winner’s ring is a lot bigger.

Betty: Oh, but this one is better. Let’s start at the beginning. You were born in Hawaii.

Tuaolo: Yes, I was born on the island of Oahu, in Waimanalo. I am the youngest of eight children – five brothers and three sisters. I grew up on a banana plantation.

Betty: Did you all work?

Tuaolo: We all worked, although I was very young then so my job was to make sure there was water for everyone and answer the phone. But it was a beautiful place to be raised.

Betty: You all had to pitch in and help your mother.

Tuaolo: Yes, my dad passed away when I was 10 years old. That was very hard on everyone. I remember waking up at night and seeing my mom scream at the walls about how were we going to pay for this or do this. She is the reason I am who I am in my life, because of all of her support and everything she did for me at a younger age.

Betty: And you knew you were gay at a very young age?

Tuaolo: At a very young age. I’d say around 5, 6 or 7.

Betty: But you didn’t know what to call it.

Tuaolo: No. When I first heard a friend call another friend a derogatory term for “gay” in Hawaiian, I asked my friend what that was, and I didn’t like the answer. The way I saw him tease our friend, I didn’t want him to start teasing me. People ask, “How did you know?” Well, back then I wanted a doll and not a gun. I wanted an Easy Bake ® oven. [laughing]

Betty: Really!

Tuaolo: I never got any of that but they were things I wanted. When I was young, I was always interested in what the girls were doing, what my sisters were doing instead of my brothers. As time went on, I realized I was more attracted to my best friend than to any pretty girl at school. As time progressed, I knew that I was special and different.

Betty: I like “special”.

Tuaolo: But never hearing anything positive about homosexuality growing up, I knew that I had to keep it under wraps. When I heard my friend say that word and use it is such a negative way, I took that child within me and threw him in the closet. That’s the day I started living that double life. I started becoming an actor.

Betty: You were raised in a religious household, weren’t you?

Tuaolo: Yes, Pentecostal Assembly of God. Very fundamentalist and conservative so I learned I was supposed to "burn in a lake of fire." I grew up in fear.

Betty: That is the message that you got. Not one of love.

Tuaolo: Not one of love or acceptance. But I am very thankful that I was raised Christian. If you know the Bible, it’s about love. God accepts everyone for who they are. And if you are a true Christian, you understand this. Those fundamentalists who attack us with the Bible should realize what they are doing to us is a sin. There is only one judge, the man upstairs

Betty: And he preached love.

Tuaolo: He saw the beautiful in everyone. He died on the cross for the straight people and the gay people, in the present and the past. I tell people that and they are surprised that a gay man knows so much about the Bible.

Betty: But you do!

Tuaolo: It geared me up to protect myself.

Betty: Then you came over to the mainland when you were in junior high.

Tuaolo: Yes, I transferred over to a school in Chino, California.

Betty: How was that for you, coming from a small town on Oahu?

Tuaolo: I had always known that there was something better than the banana plantation in my life. I used to look out to the ocean and I knew that there was a lot more than just that ocean. So when I had the opportunity to live with my aunt in California, I took it, even though I was going to have to leave my mom and family.

Betty: Why did she send you there?

Tuaolo: During that time, I just needed a male role model in my life, so I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle. And then I started playing sports and that paid my way. Leaving my mom was probably the hardest thing I could ever do. But there was something in me that said I had to do it.

Betty: Then you got a scholarship.

Tuaolo: To Oregon State University. The coach didn’t pressure me, and it is a beautiful school, although our football team was not very good when I went there. But it made me become a better player.

Betty: Then, were you drafted by the NFL?

Tuaolo: Yes, I was drafted in the second round by the Green Bay Packers. The funny thing was when I got the phone call, they asked if I knew where Green Bay was. I said, “Nope, but I am sure I’ll find out very soon.”

Betty: So you had a happy career, but still in the closet.

Tuaolo: Throughout my whole life, it has been difficult because I really could never be myself. Not just in football, but also in friendships. I could never share who I truly was. The basis of friendship is trust and honesty. But I was living with this fear, so it was easier for me to leave the relationship or friendship than to try to nurture it. And it got worse when I was in the NFL because of the popularity, glamour and everything else. I was afraid that someone would recognize me and out me. I had to do a lot of things to throw them off. I dated a woman or went to strip clubs.

Betty: You were playing a role.

Tuaolo: Yes. I was very suicidal when I was in the NFL.

Betty: Oh, it was that bad.

Tuaolo: I was very depressed and sad. I felt alone and isolated. So a friend of mine who is gay gave me a book on David Kopay. He was the first football player to come out. It gave me possibilities. It gave me hope. And it gave me a sense that I didn’t want to live the life that he had lived. I grew up in a family. I always wanted children. I always wanted to have a family. So it gave me the sense of possibility. And that year, I met Mitchell [Wherley] the strongest man I know, who put up with all of the things we had to go though while I was still playing in the NFL.

Betty: Pretending he was a casual friend.

Tuaolo: He was my “manager,” my “music manager,” my “brother-in-law.” For all the frustrations with my life, I am glad that he was able to separate them. All of the problems were not about us, but about this other life that I lived.

Betty: Sounds like enough to drive someone away if he were not strong enough.

Tuaolo: Yes.

Betty: And you’ve been together eight years.

Tuaolo: Yes, but with all the drama it sometimes seems like dog years. [laughing] You know, when you have two queens in the castle it is very hard.

Betty: [laughing] You don’t strike me as a queen!

Tuaolo: You’d be surprised. But it has been wonderful. We met at McDonald’s.

Betty: McDonald’s?

Tuaolo: Yes, in Minneapolis. I also sing and I was doing a promotion for a radio station where you write in and win a wedding at a McDonald’s. Ronald McDonald would be there and I would sing. Well, Mitchell’s friend won. So I noticed him [at the ceremony]. We glanced at each other and that was it. If I didn’t read that book about David Kopay I don’t think I would have opened myself up to the possibilities. We would have been two ships passing in the night.

Betty: A role model helps tremendously. Someone who has gone before and done it. And you are only the third one to come out. You know that out of all the men in the NFL, the law of averages suggests …

Tuaolo: I am not the only one.

Betty: There are those who still need the courage.

Tuaolo: Still need the courage or just need the support. We all come to terms with our lives in different ways and at different times. I don’t think those of us who are out should pressure others, just let them know that we are there for them. I get asked that question all the time, “What if someone told me that they wanted to come out?” The first thing I would ask them is if they felt safe that they could do that. The second thing I would ask them is if they had support. You can’t do it alone. I found that out. I had wonderful support from my family, and from Mitchell and his family. You need that.

Betty: Let’s talk about your children. You adopted twins, a boy and a girl.

Tuaolo: Michele Mainaavasa Tuaolo and Mateo Mitchell Tuaolo. That is probably the most incredible thing that ever happened in our lives.

Betty: How old were they when you got them?

Tuaolo: One week. I traveled half way around the world, to Samoa, to pick them up.

Betty: Did you and Mitchell go together?

Tuaolo: Actually, I went first. There are things we have to do as a gay family. I had to go and adopt them first and bring them back. Then we had Mitchell adopt them.

Betty: You came back with them by yourself?

Tuaolo: No, my mother was with me. I have been around children and babies all my life, so it was second nature to me. But the emotions that I went through! Never in a million years did I ever think I would have children and a husband and be out. Be a family. They are what society told me I could not have so I am enjoying every moment. I understand now what my sisters and my brothers have had. The joy of the first words, the first step. They are at that talking age now. The best thing ever is when your children say, “I love you, dad.” It melts your heart.

Betty: Sounds like they are going to have you wrapped around their fingers. How do they interact with one another?

Tuaolo: Great. The best thing about having twins is that they will have a friend for life. When one gets a timeout, the other starts crying. Timeouts don’t last long in our house.

Betty: Let’s talk more about when you decided to come out. Did you already have your babies?

Tuaolo: Yes. Mitchell and I went on a rafting trip down the Colorado River with his parents, and someone recognized me. So Mitchell became a “friend” again. Then they found out that I had children. And I looked across and could see that Mitchell was about to cry. Then I wanted to cry because I was neglecting him as a father. Then I saw his mother wanted to cry. So after that trip we sat down and said, “No more.” I never wanted to neglect him as a father or his mother as a grandmother again. Also, we did it for the children.

Betty: Of course, you want to teach them to be proud.

Tuaolo: And teach them that it is not wrong. They will grow up knowing it is normal. They will grow up knowing there are different types of families.

Betty: So where did you come out?

Tuaolo: I came out on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, just a year ago. It seems like I have been out for nine years but it has only been a year. The first question they asked me was, “What’s your secret?” And when I said, “I am gay,” I could feel the relief. The burden was lifted. I felt healthy and happy. But the true healing started when I went back, as I said before, and let that little child inside out of the closet. Now we have a beautiful family. The white picket fence. The American Dream. Two dogs, two children and two daddies. I have what my straight friends have and what my brothers and sisters have. I walk down that street with my husband and my children and everyone knows we are a family. We have not gotten any type of backlash. If anything, we have gotten a lot of encouragement from the community.

Betty: And you should.

Tuaolo: It isn’t about being gay or straight. It is about living in your truth and living a happy life.

Betty: Were you surprised at the reaction from friends and the press?

Tuaolo: Yes. I didn’t think it would be that big. But it was huge. It blew up.

Betty: It sounds familiar to me.

Tuaolo: The gay community doesn’t have many role models in sports. So it was great to take that responsibility on.

Betty: This is a happy story.

Tuaolo: Every time we get our stories out there, it reaches someone who it helps.



Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen :Q:

[Bill the Cat]

God accepts everyone for who they are. And if you are a true Christian, you understand this.

While that is true, He does not desire you to remain in that sin. That's the message that is missing from this whole interview.

[themuzicman]

Poor kids will never know what it's like to have a mom.

Why would you do that to a kid?

Michael

[Queen]

I don't get it? I mean, I really don't........love and joy in a family is more important then gender, isn't it?

Just thinking outloud....no debate here :HUG:


Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen
:Q:

[Faramir]

Today @ 03:53 PM post located here
Queen:



I don't get it? I mean, I really don't........love and joy in a family is more important then gender, isn't it?

Just thinking outloud....no debate here :HUG:


Lots of love and sunshine,
Queen
:Q:

My :2cents:?

Both are important.

[Stephen]

Queen, I know, a lot of people have trouble with that. The problem is, not that there isn't one, but with God's commands we don't need to always find a practical reason why they should be followed. For example, many choose to abstain from sex till marriage, not because of STD's or practical reasons, but because God has chosen that path for us. Its the unwaivering commitment to follow God in spite of our natures that sets apart as strong Christians. If all God's commands were meant to be easy, we wouldn't need saving.

Love is important, but I'd say a love founded in God's standards is much more pure and enjoyable than a love in spite of them.

Not to debate here, just a bit of input.

Stephen

P.S, for all wondering, I have no clue why I don't post here much now. I'm going through some odd phase, should be over soon enough

[bar Jonah]

Indeed, we should start with the attitude that we will accept the absolute truth from God, even if it goes against what we expect, and/or what we want it to be.

[Rahab]

12-23-2003 @ 02:56 PM post located here
themuzicman:

Poor kids will never know what it's like to have a mom.

Why would you do that to a kid?

Michael

I guess one would have to ask a child raised by a gay couple if their sense of family is hindered by the fact that the same gender assumes parental roles.
I mean you could say the same with a lesbian couple who adopts a child " poor kids will never know what it is like to have a dad".
There are so many examples of single parents who succeed in providing good parenting to their children that I am not sure parenting abilities by gender is an argument valid to attack gay adoptions.

Some children grow without a nurturing mother.( yet they do have a mother) They tend to find a placebo for that nurturing missing element. I am not sure the gender itself is what brings the desire to nurture a child. Men can bake cookies and fix bobos.They can feed bottles, change diapers, console and comfort when kiddie comes home with a bully story from school, they can bake a birthday cake, I mean they can do just about anything mom would do for her children. Some men are even more nurturing than women are.
Most gay men I have known were gentle and concerned people.I can easily see some of them giving an opportunity to a child to have a parent.

If I were a child in a foster home.... I would honestly welcome the love of two men or women. My sense of what family means would be how important I am to those two adults. Am I a priority in their lives and are they willing to make sacrifices every parent makes to insure my welfare. I was in an orphanage for a while and I would have given anything then to be picked up on Sundays and taken to a nice welcoming home with adults who thought I was so special to them. My own parents had given me up for a while under the care of nuns to spare me from the poverty they encountered.
In the mind of a child who feels deserted and unwanted, what is so important is to be wanted and needed. I do not think the fact that a child has two same gender parents hinders that fulfillment of being finaly loved and wanted and needed.

[themuzicman]

But why should we force kids into conditions where they have to find a replacement for a mother's or father's love? The relationship with each is unique and vitally important. There is a reason that there is alarm over the rising number of single parent and divorce homes, and that's the effect on the kids.

This is certainly NOT the time to be putting more kids in this kind of situation.

Michael

[Dee Dee Warren]

God accepts everyone for who they are. And if you are a true Christian, you understand this.

How could such a large imploding self-contradcition be contained in so few words?

[Rahab]

Yesterday @ 11:43 PM post located here
themuzicman:

But why should we force kids into conditions where they have to find a replacement for a mother's or father's love? The relationship with each is unique and vitally important. There is a reason that there is alarm over the rising number of single parent and divorce homes, and that's the effect on the kids.

This is certainly NOT the time to be putting more kids in this kind of situation.

Michael

Would you rather the child to be destined to an abortion clinic because unwanted by the biological mother and father? or raised in foster homes? possibly be on the streets from teen years and on?
Do you have any problems with a single person adopting a child?

You know Muzikman.... the most devastating effect on any child is to live with the realization that he or she is not important to their parent. And that happens in the most "perfect model" family with both mother and father. Have you got any idea how so many "perfect model " families are dysfunctional? often it is only in the adulthood years of the children that they realize how much healing and recovery they need from their years of co dependency. And it does not have to be an alcoholic or abusive parent..... it can be a parent who is an achiever and drives his or her children to the belief that they are worthy only if they succeed. Interesting skeletons in all those closets.

It was my observation as I mediated a group of adults recovering from dysfunctional families that all came from a mother/father family model.

[Rahab]

Today @ 02:45 AM post located here
Dee Dee Warren:



How could such a large imploding self-contradcition be contained in so few words?

It is a fact that the notion of a "true" christian is of human origine. God examines what degree of sincerity lays in the heart of any christian. The willingness to undergo the process of transformation of our nature under Christ. Since it is a lifelong process where some of us will struggle against our nature, lacking compassion or battling our egos, none of us needs to be perfect to be loved by God. He places no condition to His Love. He scrutinizes the willingness to grow closer to Christ. He intervenes thru His holy Spirit to make us aware of which areas in our humanity need transformation.

QUEEN : if we are to evaluate who is a true christian based on their ability to love as Christ does, the news is that we all fall short of it. And He knows that. There is only one true christian.... Christ Himself.

[Dee Dee Warren]

Today @ 09:54 AM post located here
Rahab:


It is a fact that the notion of a "true" christian is of human origine.

Sorry that is nonsense. And of course that is not what I was commenting on. Why are you not criticizing the authors of the above piece for deciding who is a true Christian or not based upon whether or not they accept homosexuality? IIRC you have no hesitation criticizing those that would automatically place practising homosexuals outside of the faith.

[Rahab]

Today @ 03:00 PM post located here
Dee Dee Warren:



Sorry that is nonsense. And of course that is not what I was commenting on. Why are you not criticizing the authors of the above piece for deciding who is a true Christian or not based upon whether or not they accept homosexuality? IIRC you have no hesitation criticizing those that would automatically place practising homosexuals outside of the faith.

I do not see how I am being critical of anyone in my previous post. On the contrary..... my concern was to make it clear to Queen that defining a "true" christian based on whether or not they love everyone equaly can never match the knowledge God has of our potential for loving as Christ does.
Yes I profoundly disagree with denying the salvation of any individual based on the fact that he or she may be gay. I do not care to be assimilated to the christian current of categorizing who deserves salvation and who does not. For in essence salvation is not earned or deserved. It is dispensed by Grace thru the acceptance of Christ as the ultimate coverage for all of our sins.

Therefor I see no point in human beings evaluating in lieu of God who is saved and who is not.

Denying access to the cross to a human being because he is gay is the result of dismissing our own sinful condition reflected in so many of our thoughts and unfortunatly in the way we treat others.

I am glad that you can see some of us working in secular forums to hopefuly restore in the minds of some freethinkers the validity and benefit of the christian faith as well as looking for what we can share in common to contribute to the betterment of mankind.

[Paul]

Dee Dee Warren:

How could such a large imploding self-contradcition be contained in so few words?

It can be contained in even fewer words, namely certain two that appear in the title of this thread.