Only In Canada! Eh? Part Deux...

[mossrose]

Wrom: HPQQWOYIYZUNNYCGPKYLEJGDGVCJ
(By Kevin Burns with thanks and apologies to Will & Ian Ferguson's "How To Be A Canadian")

At least once in our lives, you will hear us screaming, "Hap me. Hap me. Tumbuddy pwease hap me!" (The sounds emanating from that person with a tongue frozen to a flagpole, even if Mom said, "Don't do it.!")

Our national animal is the beaver; renowned for its hard work, even temper, industrious nature...oh who are we kidding. It's a forty-pound water rat whose most heroic trait is to slap its tail to warn his buddies before he runs away. And it's not like we were short on choices either. But we stuck with the beaver and now we spend millions every year blowing up and bulldozing the work it does. So very, very Canadian.


It's here in Canada, where the vision of Jesus was found on the side of a Tim Horton's in Bras D'or, Nova Scotia (Cape Breton Island), thus now making Timmy's the new found Church of The Land. Finally, a seven-day-a-week shrine. Now we line up in droves every morning to toss a Toonie into the collection plate and be blessed with a fritter and double-double.


Only in Canada do we know what either a fritter or a double-double is...or a "Toonie" for that matter.


Although our country is vast (about 100 square miles for each person), we settle mostly near the U.S. border and huddle for warmth.


If it's not deep-fried in grease and covered with either sugar or gravy, we won't eat it. See "Poutine" in Quebec, "Beaver Tails" in Ottawa, "Elephant Ears" on the Prairies and TimBits at every crossroads.


Maple Syrup - If it comes from a tree, it must be healthy.

Molly's Reach - Home to Nick, Jesse and Relic. The Persephone is out front. You've got to be Canadian to get it.


Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."


We, as a culture, will actually pay someone to sell us furniture that we have to put together with a little odd-sized wrench that tends to create more curse words than heard on Christmas Eve. Oh, but we're smarter than the Swedes, aren't we?

Driving in Canada? Here's what you need to know:

In the Maritimes, everyone says, "After you!" It's done with a little flick of the headlights. So polite. So Canadian. Traffic is slow.

In Montreal, it's gang-jaywalkers. Since it's unlikely that a driver could take out the whole crowd, they break the law in packs.

In Toronto, the traffic lights are interpreted as follows: Green - "Don't stop." Yellow - "Faster. Faster." Red - "Screw 'em. they deserved to die."

In Winnipeg - "Sorry." (If you've been there, you'll understand it.)

In Saskatchewan - The word "Saskatchewan" is an ancient native word for, "I can turn left from any bloody lane I want." Turn-signals are sold as an extra on cars.

In Alberta - Posted speed of 110 kmh means for each person in your car.

In Vancouver - pedestrians are viewed simply as slalom obstacles that continue to move. Applying brakes while on this course is not allowed.

In Victoria, since there are no cars, only golf-carts and motorized wheelchairs, there is no reason to turn up your hearing-aid, since you wouldn't hear them coming anyway. Speeds not over 20 kmh.


"Yeah, but it's a dry cold."

Speaking true Canadian eh? Here's a phrase only Canadians would understand. "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went and bought a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way to the duplex. So I get the half-ton and I was trying to deke a deer, eh. Friggin' Chinook melted everything. Then this Mountie in a ghost car gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L. Only had my toque and Stanfields on. The Mountie, he's all chippy, calling me a "S**t disturber." So all I could say was, "Chimo."

Canada, where it's never too cold to go to the mall!

How to get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool. Simply say, "Could we please ask you to get out of the pool?" They will.


In Saskatchewan, there are skid marks on the Trans Canada highway. The question remains, "What did someone have to stop suddenly for that they didn't see coming for miles?"


Curling. An Olympic sport we may not have invented, but we perfected it by encouraging smoking and drinking while on the playing surface.

Bonspiel - another word for "big drunk." Adding booze as a prize in a Bonspiel would seem redundant.

While coffee shops around the world are charging over $3.50 for a cup of coffee, in Canada, our prices are actually going down. If Tim Horton were still alive, he'd be Prime Minister.


There is a lot of Canadian money in Third World countries, unfortunately it's mostly Canadian Tire money since many Canadians have a fun time convincing unsuspecting street vendors that the picture on the money was of our King.

Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.


Only in Canada would a guy stagger out of a bar at closing time, attempt to navigate every square inch of real estate between the front door of the bar and his car. He would stagger and stumble in plain view of the police, unlock the car door, get in, start the car and wait for the police to stop him from driving any further. It would be then that without a slur and without a drink consumed, he would inform the police that he was, in fact, the "D.D." (not Designated Driver but "Designated Decoy" so that his drunk buddies could run to their vehicles and drive home.)


Mike Myers, Dan Ayckroyd, Jim Carrey, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Brian Adams, Caroline Rhea, Jill Hennessey, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Dave Foley, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet, Lorne Greene, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Martin Short, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Shannon Tweed, Louis B. Mayer, Lorne Michaels, Monty Hall, Rich Little, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Robbie Robertson, Celine Dion and Cirque de Soleil are all household names. They only became household names when they left the household (Canada).

Canadians have a deep respect for authority and they prefer law and order to anarchy and freedom. Why? Because the authorities told them to, that's why.


I am Canadian. (Not available in Quebec).

If you hear the name "Elvis" and think of figure skating, you're Canadian.

Canadians have photos of themselves taken beside large objects next to the highway. (If not a large object, then in front of a Provincial boundary sign).

And finally...Canadians remember where they were when Paul scored, when Ben got caught and when Wayne was traded. (Real Canadians don't need last names).

[TCapp]

uhhhhhh...... I'm Mike . .. . . from Canmore.

This is my dog Norm.

[Benedict]

Not Canadian but I understand about 95% and I can barely breathe or type after reading that.

[DunnySaze]

Yesterday @ 11:51 PM post located here
mossrose:

Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.

Funny stuff, and all true. Except Trudeau was our head of government. The Queen of England is Head of State. And I doubt she gives the finger. Much.

[Ben Franklin]

And Toronto International Airport is so darn confusing...! How do Canadians find their flight gates, anyway ? Via mental telepathy ?

[India]

After reading that I can definitely say I'm not Canadian.

[mossrose]

Funny stuff, and all true. Except Trudeau was our head of government. The Queen of England is Head of State. And I doubt she gives the finger. Much.

Maybe we should ask Camilla...........?


(I know you are right. I didn't write it, someone just sent it to me.....besides, if you asked King Jean, he would have said he WAS head of state!!)

[Ben Franklin]

I didn't realize counterfeit Canadian dollars was such a big problem, until I saw a Tim Horton's clerk scan a Chinese guy's $20, and then told him it wasn't any good...

[TCapp]

I'm not Canadian either. But I have to put up with lots of 'em. For some reason, there seems to be a proliferation of Canadians here in the Yukon. Go figure, "eh?"

[mossrose]

Yeah, TCapp, I wonder too. Especially since the Yukon is, well, as much a part of Canada as Quebec.....maybe more.....

[TCapp]

Yeah, it's kinda of sad to hear about some Canadians who think the Yukon is a part of Alaska.

[robert65]

"Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."

Your kidding me. My dad lied to me. Oh well. I am Canadian.
Good post Mossrose. I loved it

[mossrose]

[Ben Franklin]

Mossrose,

Er... Why are $1 pieces called "loons" ? I just don't get it...

[TCapp]

I'll field this one. A one dollar coin has a pic of the queen on the front, and a loon (which I think would be cooler to have as a national animal) on the back. Hence - "loonies".