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Sometimes i find it very hard to see myself as loveable.

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  • Sometimes i find it very hard to see myself as loveable.

    I can be a very petty person. There is a part of me that wants to impress people. To be admired. That is not bad, but there is a part of me that wants to show people up. To be the man who when people call me a failure is the guy who passes with flying colors. I was pretty vindictive as a kid. Honestly sometimes I wake up estatic that i dont have super powers because I could do something i would regret. I find it draining sometimes. I often wonder if we could see ourselves the way that God sees us would we be happy knowing God desires that we know and love him? That he loves us? Sometimes that thought is scary. That we are loved can be scary sometimes because love means you are willing to share someones pain. I sometimes wonder if I am a nuisance to the people i love and that makes me want to cry. I do believe C.S Lewis was right when he said to love is to be vulnerable.

    I wonder what exactly do you pray for in this situation? Is it wrong to pray for feelings of satisfaction? Some days I am so happy and such it feels crushing a little when it is over. I love reading the bible and going to church but afterwords sometimes i feel drained. I like playing games but sometimes i just feel so awkward its like I am constantly expecting to fail.

    I feel better saying this.
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  • #2
    Back when I was in sales we were taught that it was a poor salesman who had to denigrate his competition rather than promote his own company's good and services.

    I'm always still in trouble again

    "You're by far the worst poster on TWeb" and "TWeb's biggest liar" --starlight (the guy who says Stalin was a right-winger)
    "Overall I would rate the withdrawal from Afghanistan as by far the best thing Biden's done" --Starlight
    "Of course, human life begins at fertilization that’s not the argument." --Tassman

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    • #3
      The wonderful thing about God's love for us is that he showed it to us before we ever did anything to deserve it. This is clearly shown by the fact that He sent His Son into the world in order to be the propitiation for our sins (1 John 4:10). Not only can we not do anything to deserve a love that's already been shown freely to us, we shouldn't even try to deserve it. Just as God freely loved us without demanding anything in return we should also freely love God and each other, and not in order to try and "deserve" God's love. The problem is of course that it's impossible for us sinful humans to love anyone in that way, but luckily God solved that "problem" as well, by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, by Whose power we are enabled to love God and our brothers and sisters in a way that is pleasing to God. And that love is there no matter how we are feeling, in the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It doesn't matter if you feel like you're soaring on clouds or if you feel like the scum of the earth, unable to love God and your fellow brothers and sisters, God's Spirit still dwells in you, creating in you the love you're incapable of producing yourself.

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      • #4
        True love isn't something to "deserve". A baby doesn't have to do anything to "earn" love. If love has conditions, it isn't truly agape love.
        If it weren't for the Resurrection of Jesus, we'd all be in DEEP TROUBLE!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by TheWall View Post
          I can be a very petty person. There is a part of me that wants to impress people. To be admired. That is not bad, but there is a part of me that wants to show people up. To be the man who when people call me a failure is the guy who passes with flying colors. I was pretty vindictive as a kid. Honestly sometimes I wake up estatic that i dont have super powers because I could do something i would regret. I find it draining sometimes. I often wonder if we could see ourselves the way that God sees us would we be happy knowing God desires that we know and love him? That he loves us? Sometimes that thought is scary. That we are loved can be scary sometimes because love means you are willing to share someones pain. I sometimes wonder if I am a nuisance to the people i love and that makes me want to cry. I do believe C.S Lewis was right when he said to love is to be vulnerable.

          I wonder what exactly do you pray for in this situation? Is it wrong to pray for feelings of satisfaction? Some days I am so happy and such it feels crushing a little when it is over. I love reading the bible and going to church but afterwords sometimes i feel drained. I like playing games but sometimes i just feel so awkward its like I am constantly expecting to fail.

          I feel better saying this.
          There's a prayer composed by one of the elders at Optina in the 19th century which I pray every morning. It goes like this:
          Lord, allow me to greet the coming day in peace. Help me in all things to rely upon Your holy will. In every hour of the day, reveal Your Will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout the day with peace of soul, and with the firm conviction that Your will governs all. In what I do and say, guide my thoughts and feelings. In unexpected events, do not let me forget all things are sent by You. Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without making others bitter or embarrassing them. Give me the strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day and everything that it will bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray, and pray Yourself in me. Amen.

          And another, composed by semmie (who used to post here):
          God, I give You this day. The events and situations that will unfold are entirely out of my hands, and I commit them to You. I commit myself to You. What You desire to accomplish in me and through me, I want to desire also. Open me to receive whatever You have for me.

          Perhaps those will help some. Remember that God loves you just the way you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way. Even the most degraded human is made in the image of God. Try to see that in others, and you won't worry so much about how others see you. Just be yourself, and be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
          Enter the Church and wash away your sins. For here there is a hospital and not a court of law. Do not be ashamed to enter the Church; be ashamed when you sin, but not when you repent. – St. John Chrysostom

          Veritas vos Liberabit<>< Learn Greek <>< Look here for an Orthodox Church in America<><Ancient Faith Radio
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          I recommend you do not try too hard and ...research as little as possible. Such weighty things give me a headache. - Shunyadragon, Baha'i apologist

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