I want marital advice please...

[emulator]

I haven't been the greatest husband, when the marriage started off we had met in church and fallen in love. As has been my pattern I stopped going to church because "They're a bunch of friggin hypocrites." It has always bothered me deeply how most christians just don't seem to care about anything outside of their circle. I am a really zealous lover of God, but in the past I have allowed myself to be discouraged by comparing myself with others, I just don't think their good enough. I know your thinking 'well I guess we know who the real hypocrite is', and you are 100% right it's not them God is concerned about it's me; I am the hypocrite.
Well, my wife is christian too she doesn't have as many legalistic qualities as I do and that is good, but I think she is overly liberal. She has taken to telling me I can't tell her what to do. I was pretty pissed when she told me that the first time, but I started trying not to tell her what to do. I figured I am just to controlling. The problem is that now if she tells me what to do, I get irrate and tell her to screw off after all if I can't tell her what to do then who is she to tell me what to do? I know that's childish, what I don't know is a good solution. Her and her mom always say well if it bothers you so much then you should pray about it. And I think that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I do believe in prayer, maybe it will work the way I want it to (and I do believe that it does work the way God wants it to), but I don't think it's the only way to effect a change. It is my belief that praying for people to get saved is stupid, and lazy if that is all you propose to do. I have been lucky enough to see dozens of people get saved with my help (leastwise what I think was my help), and prayer does make a difference, but if I hadn't said anything to them... then what, maybe they get saved later on, maybe they don't but in the meantime how exactly is that (just praying) spreading the gospel?
Anyhow, we've been having a lot of arguements. We're both stressed out with the new baby, and we don't always mean what we say, but I need some more affirmation on the right way to do things. Do you think I should never yell at my wife, my children? Forgive me if this sounds stupid I'm not trying to be beligerent or redundant... that's always been the way I was raised, beatings (which I don't prescribe for my babes, but I do smack my 16 mo girls hand here and there) and a lot of yealling to get the point across. Sometimes it doesn't seem to affect my little girl if I don't get louder. And with my wife it is just a anger management issue, I yell because I am so mad I want to hit her (in an unspoken way it is a warning, though not a threat she knows I want to hit her, but she knows I won't do it.) What I am asking for is some tools to use, not counting to ten something that you do in your life that seems to work. All input is welcome, especially Roobz, I read two of your posts on women being obeasant and although I don't think my wife would subscribe to your theories I want some advice on how I should act in the present. (let it be understood that I am aware that I have been undermining our marriage for quite a while and the only reasons we are still together is because she forgives me so much and I don't believe in divorce, we've been at it for two years now and we are still in a lot of love.)

[trueseeker]

emulator,
Brother, first realize you are not alone, families with these kinds of difficults are common. But since you are both Christians there is hope.

I haven't been the greatest husband,

Realizing and admitting this is probably the most important first step in improving the situation. The best and most important way to improve the situation is for you to work on yourself to become the best husband and father you can be. You can't force your spouse to change and improve, it is not your responsibility to do so, it is hers. But it is your responsibility to be the best Christian you can be. If you ask the Lord to show you some things you should start work on to improve, He will show you. Don't get overwhelmed, the Lord's list may seem impossibly long and difficult, you won't be able to make all the changes at once, but all you need to do is regularly make small steps in the right direction and start chipping away at the list. Your wife will notice that you are trying harder to be a better husband and father almost immediately.

I stopped going to church

Seek out good fellowship. If you can't find a descent Christian church institution, find a good couples or men's Bible study, if there isn't one - start one. And go to various Christian conferences, go listen to special speakers, concerts, retreats, etc. Don't forsake the fellowship of believers

my wife...has taken to telling me I can't tell her what to do... now if she tells me what to do, I get irrate...

Unfortuately, we can't change our spouse's or children's bad attitudes, by fighting fire with fire. Returning their bad attitude toward them won't work. We have to be a good example of how they should act. Returning the wrong attitude escalates the tension and problems, responding the right way de-escalates the tension. Remember your wife (or women generally) react to feelings more than you do. If she feels tension and that you are trying to force her to change, etc. - she is going to get more and more defensive and feel like she needs to protect herself and her rights, so she doesn't feel like she will get run over. As the tension goes down she wouldn't feel as defensive and she will become more cooporative.


Anyhow, we've been having a lot of arguements. We're both stressed out with the new baby,

Change often puts more temporary pressure and stress on a marrage. If you can arrange for a occasional evening out, or night away together, to be away from it for short periods, it can help the stress levels go down. If you can't both get away, give her the opportunity to get away with her friends or family. Her stress level going down, will help both of you. Small thoughtful things, to tell her you appriecate her and the extra work load she is doing now, will also help lower her stress level.

Do you think I should never yell at my wife, my children?

Your wife isn't your child, and you need to give her due respect as your partner in life. Obviously, she is going to act childish sometimes, but so are you. Treat her like you would want to be treated, with respect. Changing your tone and volume with your kids, to let them know when you are getting more serious, is inevitable. But you don't want to shout them down to the point that they feel insecure, scared, small, abused. They aways need to know that they are safe, loved, etc. Discipline is impotant for them to learn, but it needs to be in a caring enviornment. Warn them to stop in a normal tone, than a more serious tone, then a louder more serious tone, then punish them if they don't stop, then let it go.

...that's always been the way I was raised, beatings (which I don't prescribe for my babes, but I do smack my 16 mo girls hand here and there) and a lot of yealling to get the point across. Sometimes it doesn't seem to affect my little girl if I don't get louder.

Beatings, obviously are no good. However, you do need to smack your girl's hand if she tries to touch the oven or a burner or something dangerous. You don't want to yell at your kids, nose to nose, but if they are far enough away that you need to, to get them to stop, sometimes you may need to. However, remember the more you use smacking or yelling the less effective they get. My wife yelled too much at our first two kids (we have four) when they were young, now when she yells, they often just keep on doing whatever. I yelled much less, when I yell, "Stop it now!" there is dead silence, because they know if they have pushed me to the point of yelling to get them to stop, the next step is getting punished.

If you look around you can pick things up from other couples around you. I like the way they respond to each other, or the way they discipline their kids, etc. Take good things you see in this or that family and try to incorporate them into yours. After you start to make some improvements as a husband and father, you can't wait for her to do them first or at the same time, you need to make them because it is the right thing for you to do, your wife will notice. At some point when you are both willing to work on your marrage together, a good marrage retreat weekend seminar could be very helpful.

That's my two cents after 18 years of marrage and four kids. I hope some of it is helpful. Blessings!

[Solly]

Excellent advice TrueSeeker.

Marriage is often difficult, esp when children come along; but even from the simple fact of two people with different personal histories, different weaknesses, failings, etc, trying to live together permanently. I don't speak academically here, I know some of what Em is writing about, and shout way too much at the kids at home, and always intend to have the last word in arguments with the wife. Ego plays a big part in it all; Christ's way is to give up our own rights, to die to self, and to put the other first. "Ah, but," says ego, "What about my rights, what about my free time/hobby/career/authority/etc" What about them?

There is no magic bullet of course, no easy path to marital bliss for the 99% of us who don't have a perfect relationship. For those who are Christians, there is only the path our Saviour walked: suffering servanthood in love. Our family life is for many of us where the rubber hits the road. We can look so good elsewhere, in Church, in work, amongst friends, on the Internet. But in the home, when the doors are closed *sigh*.

Christ is the answer, growing in grace; forgiveness and repentance is the answer, and God knows I find it difficult to apologise to the wife when I think I am right, or I don't want to admit I am wrong - for fear she will use it against me. Turning the other cheek, suffering the loss. Yes, the home is where many a Christian saint is made.

slly

[luv1another]

this might sound lame but I really think you should seek out a marriage counsellor.
over here in Oz there are goverment councillors for those on low incomes and stuff ... I don't know how it is in USA.
my hubby won't do the marriage councelling thing and so now we live together but lead almost seperate lives...sigh... my last blog had more on that. But I really think you guys need someone who can be a middle person who you both will listen to. Its no good going to someone then not doing as they say oh and by the way they should be Christian marriage councellors.
I might also add for me, my husband not coming to church is something I hate... he used to be beside me and help with the kids etc... now his views have changed... I now see why they call it backsliding.... his views have gone backwards.... from something like homosexuals being sinning if they act on their feelings to now saying they should allow them to marry and adopt kids things like that are very hard especially since my views have not changed in the areas his has
anyway I am no one to give advice but I could see how a marriage councellor would help in many areas. oh and by the way it's not all his fault... I have withdrawn from him so as to avoid arguments etc
ok well thats my maybe unhelpful advice

[Rubia Warren]

First of all, em, if you really wanna be the head of your home- and a Godly one- then you have to know and accept from this day forward that it will NOT happen overnight, and you will go through times where you think it is impossible, so prepare yourself so that you may have the stamina to endure (which I know you do).
You both have acted like idiots in your marriage (don't take offense to that, but it's true- if you only knew the things I have done! So I am not picking on you!) and seeing how you both have a little habit of saying what you do not mean, then ACTION is required instead of having a long talk about it first.
I don't know her or you in real life, but I am a woman, and in reading your first post about wanting to take control over the home is a healthy desire..... but if I may, lemme give you something to think about.:
BEFORE you will EVER be able to lead your home as a man is supposed to, YOU will have to stop allowing a woman (or anybody else for that matter) to CONTROL YOU.... not even the home, but YOU. Even if you are always the one who continuously starts the fights or ends it, you've got to stop that right now, and become unmoved by other people's reactions to you, and you've got to get your temper under control. Lemme explain what I mean:
You ever been in a fistfight? I have, and usually, people like to get louder than the other one, they get very dramatic with their body language, they cuss and insult, and all of the onlookers go, "Woah..... she is scary.. she's a bad mamajama.....oooh... she's gonna kick your butt, r00bz!" which causes my ego and my pride to wanna push back at her and get really crazy too, but I stop myself! Know why? Because when I had the girls acting all big, bad, and psycho like that, they left themselves vulnerable- they really were the weaker ones- and as they are going off like that, and I am just standing there not saying much, I could EASILY sock them in the mouth real hard, taking them off guard, and by the time they had a chance to realize what had just happened, I was mopping up the floor with them.
My point is that you NOT sock your woman in the mouth, though!!!! But you are a street smart guy, I've read your posts, and you know this to be true. BUT.... usually, the person getting all psycho is BANKING on you to either show fear so they don't even have to touch you so they can win that way, or they want you to TRY to act as crazy as them, so that they can continue their show and try to act crazier than you- I fell into this many times as a young person... until I realized the mental part of it. Wanna know what scares the crap outta me? I never had it happen because most people (women in particular) act like basketcases, but I always was terrified that one day, I would go head to head with someone who remained more calm than I, and if it would have happened, I'd have shaken in my boots, not knowing what cards they were holding, and they prolly would have beaten the crap out of me.
My point is, you wanna ultimately have the lead in the home and be the guide and a real man......so what makes you think you can just step up and do that if you are letting a GIRL control your behavior?!?!?!?! Forget about her! Control yourself right now! Become a person who is UNMOVED, because if you fall into bickering and pettiness and all of that, then you become like the girls I used to fistfight, em! And your wife knows that (we are very intuitive creatures) and we know EXACTLY how to control our men in situations like that.
You wanna know what drives me as a woman absolutely INSANE, I mean outta my mind, acting like a complete circus freak?! When no matter what I do, I cannot get a rise out of my husband. OH! That burns me up! I have threatened suicide in the past trying to get him at my mercy, I have even went nuts and broken things in the house, I have done it all! I came at him while he was alseep once with a broom and was gonna beat the crap outta him! Know what he did? He grabbed the broom in midair after I hit him once, and before I could blink, he had me pinned down with it up underneath my chin and I couldn't move or breathe, and he held me there and said nothing until I whispered, "OKAY! Sorry! Won't do that anymore!!!!". He didn't get mad and didn't yell. When I broke things in the house to get him to see my point of view, he LET me do it, stood there, ducked as things flew past his head, and laughed his arse off at me! OH THAT MADE ME MAD that I couldn't get a rise outta him and make him mad! When he did those things, it threw the ball back in my court and left it all on me. No matter what I did, I couldn't get a rise out of him for the life of me! It actually caused me to think subconciously that he was very very sexy, and caused me to be waaaay attracted to him, even though I complained about it and made me mad that "SIGH! He just doesn't care!". There is something so incredibly sexy to me about a man that I cannot control But he learned all of this by duking it out on the streets in Puerto Rico. You never let somebody control you.... because on the streets they COULD KILL YOU. Same thing in the home. You let your wife control your anger and stupid behavior, it is deadly, but not physically.
So if YOU are the more conservative one, then so be it. Leave your wife alone about those things for a while, and work to gain her respect...... no woman wants to be led by a man whom she does not respect, and she cannot have true loyalty to someone who compromises his beliefs and morals just because he gets upset. A man is someone we can lean on and find security in- how can we find that in you if you are so easily manipulated and controlled by emotion? You never never force your woman to submit to you- it can't happen. But a woman will willingly submit to you if you change, and you EARN her respect as being someone who absolutely will not compromise in situations. When you have an argument or a disagreement, don't use foul language. No matter what. Don't do it. Don't fly off the handle! Don't be led off by anger! Be led by Christ! He NEVER let somebody get his goat..... and he NEVER forced anyone to follow Him either. And that is how men should be.
I got lots more to say, but em, I saw something you said about your mom, and it has left me wondering if some of your problems are not stemming from the resentment that you hold inside for your mother? Was she overbearing or anything? Because I know that many men who had a messed up mom who made them feel belittled when they were young, causes men to grow up holding in anger and resentment, and ultimately, they have a difficult time being a MAN because of it (not that I am saying you are less than a man, but try to understand what I mean). A LOT of men are dealing with that right now. I also know that who you hate deep down inside, you eventually start to become- I know I have.
I know of this guy on the radio (you can hear his show on the internet) who you absolutely need to hear, emulator. I think I have an idea what you are going through, and this guy can give you the tools. It will blow your mind when he talks about how when you hold resentment in for your mother, you can't stand up and be a Godly man because that hatred affects you, and weakens you... and he shows people how to let go of that and step up to the role of leading the home in a Godly way and being a strong man.
You are not some sort of freak or weakling, em. Our society has made it really difficult in this day and age to be a true man of the home. Your wife loves you, though, and she only does what she knows.... just like you are only doing what YOU know. And when you change YOURSELF, I guarantee you, your wife will respect you in a way you never thought possible, and she will gladly follow you and be someone who can be led. The only one in the home you can CONTROL is you.... and if you cannot control yourself right now, then how much more impossible is it to control someone else? I hope I do not seem too harsh, I don't mean to be. But I can't change your wife any more than you or anyone else can. All you can change is you..... and look what a huge difference it had made in my household just by little old me making changes? It isn't perfect for me nor am I an expert.... I went through hell, I mean a C-O-C-A-I-N-E hell with my husband friday night- he went off on a coke binge all of a sudden. How much that hurt me how much I want to step in and control the situation but I can't! People cannot control people and God Himself does not even forcefully control people. I wanted to flip out! I had to bite my tongue so hard! I wanted to tear the roof off the house!!! But it does no good at all. I did tell him the feelings I had, and I left him a note and I spent Sat, night with a friend...... and after reading my note which was non-accusatory, that threw the ball back in his court, and he felt like a pile of crap. Will it happen again? I dunno. Probably one day. But that is all I can do- try to not be moved by what he does without being apathetic.
I am gonna go find the certain shows that have blown my mind about men and women that this guy has done- I will warn you, it's a bit harsh, and the guy is not an eloquent speaker, but he is way cool, and wise.

[Solly]

First of all, em, if you really wanna be the head of your home- and a Godly one- then you have to know and accept from this day forward that it will NOT happen overnight, and you will go through times where you think it is impossible, so prepare yourself so that you may have the stamina to endure (which I know you do).
You both have acted like idiots in your marriage (don't take offense to that, but it's true- if you only knew the things I have done! So I am not picking on you!) and seeing how you both have a little habit of saying what you do not mean, then ACTION is required instead of having a long talk about it first.
I don't know her or you in real life, but I am a woman, and in reading your first post about wanting to take control over the home is a healthy desire..... but if I may, lemme give you something to think about.:
BEFORE you will EVER be able to lead your home as a man is supposed to, YOU will have to stop allowing a woman (or anybody else for that matter) to CONTROL YOU.... not even the home, but YOU. Even if you are always the one who continuously starts the fights or ends it, you've got to stop that right now, and become unmoved by other people's reactions to you, and you've got to get your temper under control. Lemme explain what I mean:
You ever been in a fistfight? I have, and usually, people like to get louder than the other one, they get very dramatic with their body language, they cuss and insult, and all of the onlookers go, "Woah..... she is scary.. she's a bad mamajama.....oooh... she's gonna kick your butt, r00bz!" which causes my ego and my pride to wanna push back at her and get really crazy too, but I stop myself! Know why? Because when I had the girls acting all big, bad, and psycho like that, they left themselves vulnerable- they really were the weaker ones- and as they are going off like that, and I am just standing there not saying much, I could EASILY sock them in the mouth real hard, taking them off guard, and by the time they had a chance to realize what had just happened, I was mopping up the floor with them.
My point is that you NOT sock your woman in the mouth, though!!!! But you are a street smart guy, I've read your posts, and you know this to be true. BUT.... usually, the person getting all psycho is BANKING on you to either show fear so they don't even have to touch you so they can win that way, or they want you to TRY to act as crazy as them, so that they can continue their show and try to act crazier than you- I fell into this many times as a young person... until I realized the mental part of it. Wanna know what scares the crap outta me? I never had it happen because most people (women in particular) act like basketcases, but I always was terrified that one day, I would go head to head with someone who remained more calm than I, and if it would have happened, I'd have shaken in my boots, not knowing what cards they were holding, and they prolly would have beaten the crap out of me.
My point is, you wanna ultimately have the lead in the home and be the guide and a real man......so what makes you think you can just step up and do that if you are letting a GIRL control your behavior?!?!?!?! Forget about her! Control yourself right now! Become a person who is UNMOVED, because if you fall into bickering and pettiness and all of that, then you become like the girls I used to fistfight, em! And your wife knows that (we are very intuitive creatures) and we know EXACTLY how to control our men in situations like that.
You wanna know what drives me as a woman absolutely INSANE, I mean outta my mind, acting like a complete circus freak?! When no matter what I do, I cannot get a rise out of my husband. OH! That burns me up! I have threatened suicide in the past trying to get him at my mercy, I have even went nuts and broken things in the house, I have done it all! I came at him while he was alseep once with a broom and was gonna beat the crap outta him! Know what he did? He grabbed the broom in midair after I hit him once, and before I could blink, he had me pinned down with it up underneath my chin and I couldn't move or breathe, and he held me there and said nothing until I whispered, "OKAY! Sorry! Won't do that anymore!!!!". He didn't get mad and didn't yell. When I broke things in the house to get him to see my point of view, he LET me do it, stood there, ducked as things flew past his head, and laughed his arse off at me! OH THAT MADE ME MAD that I couldn't get a rise outta him and make him mad! When he did those things, it threw the ball back in my court and left it all on me. No matter what I did, I couldn't get a rise out of him for the life of me! It actually caused me to think subconciously that he was very very sexy, and caused me to be waaaay attracted to him, even though I complained about it and made me mad that "SIGH! He just doesn't care!". There is something so incredibly sexy to me about a man that I cannot control But he learned all of this by duking it out on the streets in Puerto Rico. You never let somebody control you.... because on the streets they COULD KILL YOU. Same thing in the home. You let your wife control your anger and stupid behavior, it is deadly, but not physically.
So if YOU are the more conservative one, then so be it. Leave your wife alone about those things for a while, and work to gain her respect...... no woman wants to be led by a man whom she does not respect, and she cannot have true loyalty to someone who compromises his beliefs and morals just because he gets upset. A man is someone we can lean on and find security in- how can we find that in you if you are so easily manipulated and controlled by emotion? You never never force your woman to submit to you- it can't happen. But a woman will willingly submit to you if you change, and you EARN her respect as being someone who absolutely will not compromise in situations. When you have an argument or a disagreement, don't use foul language. No matter what. Don't do it. Don't fly off the handle! Don't be led off by anger! Be led by Christ! He NEVER let somebody get his goat..... and he NEVER forced anyone to follow Him either. And that is how men should be.
I got lots more to say, but em, I saw something you said about your mom, and it has left me wondering if some of your problems are not stemming from the resentment that you hold inside for your mother? Was she overbearing or anything? Because I know that many men who had a messed up mom who made them feel belittled when they were young, causes men to grow up holding in anger and resentment, and ultimately, they have a difficult time being a MAN because of it (not that I am saying you are less than a man, but try to understand what I mean). A LOT of men are dealing with that right now. I also know that who you hate deep down inside, you eventually start to become- I know I have.
I know of this guy on the radio (you can hear his show on the internet) who you absolutely need to hear, emulator. I think I have an idea what you are going through, and this guy can give you the tools. It will blow your mind when he talks about how when you hold resentment in for your mother, you can't stand up and be a Godly man because that hatred affects you, and weakens you... and he shows people how to let go of that and step up to the role of leading the home in a Godly way and being a strong man.
You are not some sort of freak or weakling, em. Our society has made it really difficult in this day and age to be a true man of the home. Your wife loves you, though, and she only does what she knows.... just like you are only doing what YOU know. And when you change YOURSELF, I guarantee you, your wife will respect you in a way you never thought possible, and she will gladly follow you and be someone who can be led. The only one in the home you can CONTROL is you.... and if you cannot control yourself right now, then how much more impossible is it to control someone else? I hope I do not seem too harsh, I don't mean to be. But I can't change your wife any more than you or anyone else can. All you can change is you..... and look what a huge difference it had made in my household just by little old me making changes? It isn't perfect for me nor am I an expert.... I went through hell, I mean a C-O-C-A-I-N-E hell with my husband friday night- he went off on a coke binge all of a sudden. How much that hurt me how much I want to step in and control the situation but I can't! People cannot control people and God Himself does not even forcefully control people. I wanted to flip out! I had to bite my tongue so hard! I wanted to tear the roof off the house!!! But it does no good at all. I did tell him the feelings I had, and I left him a note and I spent Sat, night with a friend...... and after reading my note which was non-accusatory, that threw the ball back in his court, and he felt like a pile of crap. Will it happen again? I dunno. Probably one day. But that is all I can do- try to not be moved by what he does without being apathetic.
I am gonna go find the certain shows that have blown my mind about men and women that this guy has done- I will warn you, it's a bit harsh, and the guy is not an eloquent speaker, but he is way cool, and wise.

Dat Momma R00bz, she tells it like it is!!

[themuzicman]

One thing I've found, as well, is that a man has to sacrifice himself for his wife. What have you given up for her lately? I'm not saying that you have to stop doing things altogether, but consider her needs first. Not what she SAYS she needs, but what she NEEDS.

Let me tell you a few things she needs from you:

At least 5 non-sexual, meaningful displays of affection: Hugs, kisses, saying 'I love you', etc.

Daily reminder that your relationship is secure, that nothing will come between you. (My wife and I agreed never to even mention the 'D' word, or even make references to it.)

She should see that every decision you make has been made considering her needs and desires first. Your goal should be to know where she is at, what she needs, and how you can meet as many of those needs as possible. One need with a new child is that you need to call a couple of her friends, put $20 in her hand, and kick her out of the house every week or two to go have fun. She might not even want to. Make her anyway. Ask her friends to come pick her up, and take her out for a couple of hours, even if she says she doesn't want to go anywhere.

Finally, put her first in EVERY area of your lives together. Money, love, SEX (yes, put HER satisfaction over your own), etc.

If you continue to view the world from her perspective and your duty to fulfill her needs, a lot of other things fall into place.

GB

Michael


( Roobz, what do you do with a woman who is passive aggressive?)

[emulator]

That's my two cents after 18 years of marrage and four kids. I hope some of it is helpful. Blessings!

That was awesome, I really appreciate your counsel; thank you so much!

[emulator]

anyway I am no one to give advice but I could see how a marriage councellor would help in many areas. oh and by the way it's not all his fault... I have withdrawn from him so as to avoid arguments etc
ok well thats my maybe unhelpful advice

Mrs. Luv,
I have never read anything in your posts that would remotely disqualify you from being a good counselor, your awesome (regardless of circumstance) and I respect you.

[emulator]

Excellent advice TrueSeeker.


There is no magic bullet of course, no easy path to marital bliss for the 99% of us who don't have a perfect relationship. For those who are Christians, there is only the path our Saviour walked: suffering servanthood in love. Our family life is for many of us where the rubber hits the road. We can look so good elsewhere, in Church, in work, amongst friends, on the Internet. But in the home, when the doors are closed *sigh*.



slly

yeah I know, I just don't wanna :smirk:

[emulator]

In response to ru-
Thank you, that was piddly compare to the diatribes I would dish (which is why I'm not a pastor yet)...it was not too harsh for me.
You were dead on with the mom thing except that mom ignored me most of the time and then lashed out here and there, I've been working it out in tussles over the last five years. Don't stress the coke it fades faster than some people think, and I can say quite confidently that the coke wasn't the real problem (the real problem needs addressing, and he needs to speak up.)
I don't think that anyone who has problems should disclude themselves from this discourse, I'm more likely to take advice from plebians than scholars...theories are cute but reality bites.

[emulator]

One thing I've found, as well, is that a man has to sacrifice himself for his wife. What have you given up for her lately? I'm not saying that you have to stop doing things altogether, but consider her needs first. Not what she SAYS she needs, but what she NEEDS.

Let me tell you a few things she needs from you:

At least 5 non-sexual, meaningful displays of affection: Hugs, kisses, saying 'I love you', etc.

Daily reminder that your relationship is secure, that nothing will come between you. (My wife and I agreed never to even mention the 'D' word, or even make references to it.)

She should see that every decision you make has been made considering her needs and desires first. Your goal should be to know where she is at, what she needs, and how you can meet as many of those needs as possible. One need with a new child is that you need to call a couple of her friends, put $20 in her hand, and kick her out of the house every week or two to go have fun. She might not even want to. Make her anyway. Ask her friends to come pick her up, and take her out for a couple of hours, even if she says she doesn't want to go anywhere.

Finally, put her first in EVERY area of your lives together. Money, love, SEX (yes, put HER satisfaction over your own), etc.

If you continue to view the world from her perspective and your duty to fulfill her needs, a lot of other things fall into place.

GB

Michael


( Roobz, what do you do with a woman who is passive aggressive?)

Well that is excellent advice and I'm gonna start thinking of ways to stop being selfish... wait you didn't even mention selfish never mind....

[emulator]

btw all, I am most often the starter of the yelling; she usually avoids the fight as much as the conflict (I've got no qualms with conflict resolution, I just suck at the resolution part). I generally apologize within the hour, but I am getting tired of the pattern.

[themuzicman]

Oh, congrats on the kid!

[rmwilliamsjr]

You've got lots of good and well meaning advice.
one item that i didn't see is.

to get down on your knees, with your wife and tell God and her what you said here.

if you value the advice of someone who has been married for 30 years, had 6 kids together, gone through lots of hard times together, then you can see my point that i can't lie to either my wife or God when i am on my knees and submissive to Him and the best side of me. kneeling is the best position to understand your relationship with both God and your wife.