Book Plunge: The Art of Falling in Love

[Apologiaphoenix]

How do you fall in love?

Link

[One Bad Pig]

I dunno that there's a whole lot of choice involved with falling in love - though our words and actions can enhance or impede the love of others toward us. My wife and I are committed to putting the other first, which helps to cement our love for each other. My love is certainly stronger now than when we got married, despite the fact that we're still working to improve our communication.

[Apologiaphoenix]

What we often think of as love is more often limerence. The best work on this is Love and Limerence by Tennov. She's the foundational researcher on it. Love though is not dependent on the emotions and is a constant choice.

[One Bad Pig]

What we often think of as love is more often limerence. The best work on this is Love and Limerence by Tennov. She's the foundational researcher on it. Love though is not dependent on the emotions and is a constant choice.

"Limerence" is a term Tennov made up. Love IS an emotion, Nick. I love my step-daughter, who's 3. It's certainly not a romantic attraction (), and it equally certainly not a conscious choice I made once, let alone constantly.

[TheWall]

I think this is one of those instances where the english language cannot fully convey things. It's been a while since I read The Four Loves, but your post reminds me of that.

Agape is the love that Christians are called to have and that God helps us with. Agape is kind of hard to describe. It is desiring the best for another for their sake.

As for affection and romantic stuff I see it as both emotion and and act of will. You may for example love your wife dearly, but you have to actively participate in showing that in ways she can understand.

Just my two cents.

[Apologiaphoenix]

Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.

Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.

[TheWall]

Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.

Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.

I think my post answers this question.

[KingsGambit]

Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.

Aren't all words made up terms, in a sense? I think it is a real concept. I think it's even hinted at in the Bible (with the one year honeymoon period in the Pentateuch).

[Apologiaphoenix]

Another place of limerence is with Amnon and Tamar. It's limerence because it was all about what he wanted and in the end, once he got what he wanted, he hated her with more hatred than the love with which he had loved her.

[One Bad Pig]

Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.

You appear to be treating love as some sort of steady force of something. That I might have temporary feelings of anger or irritation does not mean that love itself is not a feeling. I tolerate her misbehavior because my love is greater than my anger. I may deliberately recollect my love for her in order to temper my response, but my choice is to recall my love, which is already firmly established (not by choice). I would like to love my other three stepchildren, but the feelings just aren't there (yet).

Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.

Differentiation is fine, and I understand the distinction she's drawing. Declaring that love is not an emotion is not fine.

[Apologiaphoenix]

You appear to be treating love as some sort of steady force of something. That I might have temporary feelings of anger or irritation does not mean that love itself is not a feeling. I tolerate her misbehavior because my love is greater than my anger. I may deliberately recollect my love for her in order to temper my response, but my choice is to recall my love, which is already firmly established (not by choice). I would like to love my other three stepchildren, but the feelings just aren't there (yet).

Steady force? No. Steady choice? Absolutely. Every day is a choice to love or not love. My feelings don't matter in it ultimately. If they come, great, but it's easy to love someone when you feel like it. When you don't is when true love exists. How you treat your stepchildren is important. If you feel a certain way, great. If not, you still act in love.

Differentiation is fine, and I understand the distinction she's drawing. Declaring that love is not an emotion is not fine.

Love can result in a powerful emotion, but it is not the emotion itself. The emotion fades, and really if it comes from limerence, thank God it fades. No one could function if it stayed that way.

[TheWall]

Again cant love both a choice and an emotion?

[One Bad Pig]

Steady force? No. Steady choice? Absolutely. Every day is a choice to love or not love.

What you're asserting is entirely foreign to my experience. I have never consciously chosen to love someone, yet I love many people. My wife did not choose to love me, either; in fact, she spent months trying to suppress her love for me before acknowledging it.

My feelings don't matter in it ultimately. If they come, great, but it's easy to love someone when you feel like it. When you don't is when true love exists.

I agree that true love remains even when things get difficult.

How you treat your stepchildren is important. If you feel a certain way, great. If not, you still act in love.

I will respect them regardless of how I feel. Feelings of storgoi may come with time.

Love can result in a powerful emotion, but it is not the emotion itself. The emotion fades, and really if it comes from limerence, thank God it fades. No one could function if it stayed that way.

Source: Merriam Webster: love

1a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
maternal love for a child
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
After all these years, they are still very much in love.
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
love for his old schoolmates
b: an assurance of affection
give her my love

© Copyright Original Source

Don't see emotion referenced there directly, however

Source: Merriam Webster: affection

1: a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something : tender attachment : FONDNESS
She had a deep affection for her parents.
2: a moderate feeling or emotion

© Copyright Original Source

I'll go with the dictionary, which is an authoritative source, over your assertion which is contrary to my experience. I also think I'll stick with the more familiar word "lust" to describe what lovers tend to initially feel.

[Apologiaphoenix]

What you're asserting is entirely foreign to my experience. I have never consciously chosen to love someone, yet I love many people. My wife did not choose to love me, either; in fact, she spent months trying to suppress her love for me before acknowledging it.

You do not choose a feeling. You choose an action. If you have a feeling, whether to act on it or not or how to act on it is a choice.

I agree that true love remains even when things get difficult.

It should remain. Sadly, many times it doesn't. We could say it isn't true love then.

I will respect them regardless of how I feel. Feelings of storgoi may come with time.

As with all loves. A powerful emotion is a great feeling, but it does not constitute love.

Source: Merriam Webster: love

1a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
maternal love for a child
(2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
After all these years, they are still very much in love.
(3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
love for his old schoolmates
b: an assurance of affection
give her my love

© Copyright Original Source

Don't see emotion referenced there directly, however

Source: Merriam Webster: affection

1: a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something : tender attachment : FONDNESS
She had a deep affection for her parents.
2: a moderate feeling or emotion

© Copyright Original Source

I'll go with the dictionary, which is an authoritative source, over your assertion which is contrary to my experience. I also think I'll stick with the more familiar word "lust" to describe what lovers tend to initially feel.

Not I. I'll go with what I see in Scripture where love is defined by actions. Consider 1 Cor. 13. No feelings in that chapter described. The quality of what love is and actions with it are described.