Are Men Monogamous?

[Apologiaphoenix]

Is it in our nature?

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Can we really stay with one woman? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

If you asked me how many women I have found attractive in my lifetime, I have no idea how I could answer. I think women are absolutely gorgeous. I am super thankful that God made them. If the only argument I had for the existence of God was female beauty, it would be enough. This is also from someone who did not grow up watching pornography.

While that number is countless, if you ask how many women I have had a sexual relationship with, that number is easy to count. One. My darling wife Allie is it. Two weeks from today will be ten years of marriage for us.

Yesterday while driving to a meeting, I heard a radio show that was local asking about if men are monogamous. Can they be? Is it in our DNA to want to have multiple women? One lady on this show said she grew up reading the Bible and throughout the Old Testament, the great heroes of the faith didn’t seem to be monogamous. Abraham, David, and Solomon had wives and concubines.

These are all important questions.

In the Old Testament, divorce was a practice that was allowed, but Jesus reminds us, it was because of the hardness of our hearts. The ideal was one man and one woman for life. Once those two come together, the union is complete and no other party is needed.

As for these relationships with concubines and multiple wives, that was also allowed, but whenever it happened, there was trouble. Abraham’s relationship with Hagar was because of a lack of faith on his part and that led to trouble in the family. Jacob’s family was extremely dysfunctional and his multiple wives led to favoritism. David was a horrible father and his kids had murder and treason and rape going on with them. Do I really need to tell what happened to Solomon?

When we get to New Testament times, this kind of behavior in Israel at least is hardly seen at all and nowhere can I think of described in the Gospels. When Paul writes his epistles, he assumes a husband will have one wife to lead the church. You don’t see polygamy really being talked about.

But is it in our DNA to be monogamous? I think that’s the wrong place to look. I understand it could be a figure of speech as well, but if we want to see what a man is meant to be, Jesus was the greatest example of what a man is meant to be. While He never married, He did always treat women with respect and honor.

Jesus was also tempted, which is no sin, but He did not give in ever. That means if Jesus had been married, He would have treated His wife as His alone and not gone after another woman. He would have treated His wife with honor physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

Part of the problem is that once we step outside of sex between a married man and woman as the norm, we open the door to everything else. Most people really do not think about sex today. Some of you might be astounded to hear that. Haven’t I watched TV? Well, yes. I have. Doesn’t change my mind.

Oh we fantasize about sex. We talk about sex. We daydream about sex. We just plain have sex. We just don’t think about it. We don’t think about what it’s for and how it’s to be used. We just see it as a really fun thing that we do together. The ultimate point in most TV shows is when the couple has sex together, as if there’s nothing higher.

Maybe there is something higher like years of committed monogamous marriage to one another.

You see, anyone can have sex. Anyone really. It’s not that big of an accomplishment. To be faithful to one person for several years though is an accomplishment.

A woman is not just there for a man to get to treat as a plaything and then move on. Sex is not meant to be the testing grounds to determine if you love one another or if you belong together. I even see many Christians today deciding to live together before marriage and having sex before marriage as if it were no big deal. It is a big deal.

Does this mean temptation is not a battle? Not a bit. I have to look away from women numerous times. My wife is an absolute knockout and more than enough for me, but the sinful desires in me are tempted to want to look elsewhere. In our society today, porn is an easy way to do that. You don’t even have to seduce a woman. Just a click away are several women you can look at.

Which is a great dehumanization of them. It is getting a woman that requires nothing of you. You don’t have to be a man to win her heart. She doesn’t know you and she doesn’t care about you. Also, you don’t know about her or care about her. All you are caring about is her body and you are training your brain to think that way bit by bit.

However, men can be monogamous. We can be faithful. We can rise above desires that we should not have and do what we know we ought to do. While I do have the desire for many different women, higher than that is the desire to honor God and be faithful to the wife that I have. If it is my highest desire to please God, I will be faithful to my spouse. (This is all assuming you do not have a spouse who is abusive to you. If so, that does not justify an extra-marital affair, but you can leave that spouse.)

This is also why I have the group “As Christ Loved The Church” on Facebook. To help men who are either married or on the path or just wanting to marry to learn how to be faithful husbands to their wives. It’s a real struggle.

I know I’ve emphasized the men here because the question was about men. Women need to practice this themselves. Women really control the sex market and every time a woman gives sex without marriage, she is really lowering what is required of her on the market to give herself and saying she does not require a lifetime commitment. The next woman will go even lower until before too long, sex on the first date becomes common. Is it any shock you have the app Tinder that says you can get together for just a hook-up?

Sex is sacred. Men and women are sacred. Marriage is sacred. We need to treat all of them like that.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

[T-Shirt Ninja]

But is it in our DNA to be monogamous? I think that’s the wrong place to look.

I really hate it when Christians turn a blind eye towards certain topics and look only at their scriptures and/or traditions, especially when it comes to science. Anyway, the answer is obviously no. DNA doesn't care about monogamy and is probably polyamorous in principle. The sex drive in our brains has been given to us by our DNA in order to spread it to future generations.

Part of the problem is that once we step outside of sex between a married man and woman as the norm, we open the door to everything else.

This isn't true. Secular communities talk about sexual morality quite a lot, and no one suggests to just open up the door to everything else. It's a slippery slope fallacy. Non-monogamy is only a problem for Christians in the West.

The ultimate point in most TV shows is when the couple has sex together, as if there’s nothing higher.

I agree that TV sex is mostly nonsense. However, I would also argue that it does no harm if unmarried, responsible people have sex for fun.

[Apologiaphoenix]

I really hate it when Christians turn a blind eye towards certain topics and look only at their scriptures and/or traditions, especially when it comes to science. Anyway, the answer is obviously no. DNA doesn't care about monogamy and is probably polyamorous in principle. The sex drive in our brains has been given to us by our DNA in order to spread it to future generations.

The topic was really at Christians I think by Christians. You should know that normally when I start these things, I don't start with Scripture. Still, I find your language interesting. It's speaking of DNA in practically personal terms as if it has a will and intent. I know that's not what is actually meant, but it's interesting how that works. I could just ask simply why to all of this. What is the final cause?

This isn't true. Secular communities talk about sexual morality quite a lot, and no one suggests to just open up the door to everything else. It's a slippery slope fallacy. Non-monogamy is only a problem for Christians in the West.

Entirely true. The sexual revolution has led to more and more. Now we have a society that has done an attempt to redefine marriage. The question ultimately boils down to what is and isn't sex and what is and isn't marriage. Is something allowed or not allowed in sexuality? Why or why not?

I agree that TV sex is mostly nonsense. However, I would also argue that it does no harm if unmarried, responsible people have sex for fun.

When I counsel Christian guys about to marry and talk about sex, I tell them to think about every scene of it they have seen in a movie or TV show. Then I tell them to throw it all out as it's completely unrealistic.

I also though question the idea that it's just harmless fun. It's quite amusing to hear we Christians are usually the ones that have a negative view of sex when we are the ones that view it as sacred and intimate and the secular position seems to just be "A good time was had by all."

[Hypatia_Alexandria]

I am not entirely certain if I am permitted to post to this board, so if I am transgressing site rules perhaps someone can let me know.

I suspect that biology and culture are being conflated. There is no biological reason why men should not spread their genes as widely as possible. We see such behaviours in various other higher mammals.

However, cultural mores are something rather different. The need to ensure that progeny are biologically the issue of the father has a deep rooted cultural history that is often [but not necessarily] connected with concerns over inheritance and familial recognition.

The comment about Jesus' unmarried state is interesting, it would certainly be somewhat unusual for a Jewish man not to be married. In Judaism the married state and children are seen as a blessing and there is often a degree of sadness and/or pity expressed towards those who are unmarried and/or childless. We see this latter state evidenced in various Hebrew texts.

However, if, as has been suggested, Jesus and his brother James had connections with the Essenes, then it is possible that, at least for a period of his life, Jesus may have been celibate and unmarried.