The Prayer of Lamech - TheDoorMagazine

[Dee Dee Warren]

By Jamie Crossan

Genesis 4:17-24

“Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch; and he built a city, and named it Enoch after his son Enoch. To Enoch was born Irad; and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael the father of Methushael, and Methushael the father of Lamech. Lamech took two wives; the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.

“And Lamech said to his wives: ‘Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; you wives of Lamech listen to what I say: I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for striking me. If Cain is avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy-sevenfold.’”

<Sarcasm>

This is a fair warning to those sarcastically impaired the preceding text was written in jest.

<Sarcasm>

Are you sick of feeling like nothing more than a “suffering servant” Christian? Are you tired of missing out on all that the female of the species has to offer? Don’t you wish that, just once, people would fear and respect you?

If you long to enter into your God-given right to gain more wealth and influence than you’ve ever dreamed possible, then our new best-seller The Prayer of Lamech is the pathway to all these desires, and more! If you faithfully pray this prayer on the hour, three times a day between meals, preferably while wearing beige undergarments, then you too can enter into the promised land of power, revenge and control!

From the author’s forward:

I want to show you how to pray a controlling little prayer from the Bible, that for some reason, no one seems to have noticed before! It is a prayer that God always answers, with no exceptions whatsoever!!! (I’ve gained butt-loads of money and power from “finding” this prayer, so I know it must be right!).

This little book will help you move from seeing God as Father (I trust He knows what’s best for me), to seeing God as Vending Machine (I get what I want if I have the correct change and punch the right buttons)—a truly life-changing paradigm shift in your thinking! I believe that if Jesus were asked again today, “Lord, how should we pray?” that He would direct us all to Genesis 4:22.”



The Prayer of Lamech contains such stirring chapters as:

“Hear me woman!”

Bottom line guys—life is sweet when it’s all about impressing the girls. Or as we post-Prayer of Lamech people like to call it—“Gettin’ some Chickage.” You’ll learn about how to project an air of power and authority that will never fail to entrap and attract the fairer sex. Note that by boasting of such violence to his wives, Lamech’s prayer actually contains a not-so-subtle threat that can only help to keep the women in your life in line—let’s face it, two wives can be a handful! And if you’re keeping a mistress on the side, then the Prayer of Lamech is for you!

“When it hurts, kill others!”

Killing may be wrong… but hey, Lamech got his name in the Bible! Without any commentary on his actions! The difference between the words “God” and “glory” is a mere three extra letters, the absence of another one and a dropping of the capital G! Lamech life is all about glory. If you kill a man every day, or threaten to, or even just boast to your wife (or wives—hey, let’s be open about this kind of thing) about wanting to, then you too can get your name up in lights. You too will prosper, and people will fear your influence.

The Bible declares, “An eye for an eye.” Today as Christians, we know that this is blatantly wrong—if some young pretender has struck you down, then an eye is never enough. As we learn from the prayer of Lamech, up the ante! If someone steps on your foot, then amputate his leg! If someone spills coffee on you, then set fire to her head! And who better to emulate than Lamech: if someone hurts you, then kill the young upstart, and be quick about it, lad, be quick!

“Destroying the Church of tomorrow, today!”

Nothing threatens your own power and perspective more than the next generation of young eager-eyed new wineskins. Lamech intercessors fear change, seek their own comfort at all costs, and learn to despise and destroy youth wherever it rears its viral head. Never raise up and release the next generation of young Christians—hold on to your own positions and preferences until your dying breath. After all, youth only want to destroy you, so get them before they get you.

“Boasting in your vengeance!”

For too long, Christian prosperity has been indicated by expensive Italian suits and $3,000 watches and big churches with worldwide CD sales. In the spirit of Lamech, it’s time for Christians everywhere to go to the next level and start boasting openly of their wealth and achievements. A catchphrase that you will learn to appreciate is that “Ministry is all about more fame and fortune, power and glory.” The more you see God as Santa Claus, the more blessings will come sailing down the snow-dusted chimney of your devotional life.

What people are saying about The Prayer of Lamech:


“I prayed The Prayer of Lamech just after starting my new job as floor manager in a busy department store, and the very next day, and every second Wednesday after that, I found $700 in my bank account! And people do what I say! Thank you, Lamech!”—Some Guy

“Since praying and writing The Prayer of Lamech, I’ve become very rich and am invited to speak at conferences all year round.”—The Author

“My good friend’s book will help you move up, push on, press through, go ahead, step beyond, look above, thrust aside, break in, shovel away, dig around, let go, and prosper, prosper, prosper, in all areas of your life. A Biblical, God-given tool, truly a life-changing little overpriced book, and a great coaster for your drinks.”—A well-known book-jacket quote-writer

“[Silent weeping.]”—God

See all the great new Prayer of Lamech Merchandise:

• Prayer of Lamech blue-calfskin mink-trimmed gold-embossed coffee table edition.

• Prayer of Lamech for Pre-Tribulationary Midgets

• Prayer of Lamech for Embryos

• Prayer of Lamech on video, CD, audio cassette, vinyl record, clay tablet and carrier pigeon

• Prayer of Lamech desk calendar, each day featuring a different word from the prayer of Lamech. Imagine how blessed you’ll be as each morning you turn over the calendar, and are inspired by such spiritually powerful words as “killed,” “sevenfold,” and “the”! Pre-order the 2012 calendar today!

• Prayer of Lamech lingerie

• Prayer of Lamech hooked disemboweling swords

• Prayer of Lamech blank cheques (book of 50), conveniently pre-printed with the authors’ name

• Prayer of Lamech bumper stickers—“Honk if you love Lamech”

Plus the usual fad-spawned plethora of t-shirts, keychains, coffee mugs, fridge magnets, bracelets, etc.

The Prayer of Lamech—start hoarding and hating today!

Also by the author:

The Power of Judas
Secrets of the Adulterous Woman
Avoiding the Garden of Gethsemane in Your Own Life

This is a fair warning to those sarcastically impaired the preceding text was written in jest.

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Reprinted with permission from TheDoorMagazine, the world's pretty much only religious satire magazine. Click here to visit their website
(www.TheDoorMagazine.com) or call 1-800-597-3667.

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[truthman]

Wath out Wilkinson, there's a new Bible fadfinder in town.

truthman

[studyhound]

[Xavier]

TheDoorMagazine, the world's pretty much only religious satire magazine.

Wouldn't it better to say "Pretty much the world's only religious satire magazine"?

[Dee Dee Warren]

they wrote it not I

[NormATive]

Wouldn't it better to say "Pretty much the world's only religious satire magazine"?

No, no, no!! It's funnier the other way. And watch out; I KNOW the prayer of Lamech!

Norm A. Tive

[Xavier]

No, no, no!! It's funnier the other way. And watch out; I KNOW the prayer of Lamech!

Norm A. Tive

The problem I see is that the "pretty much" is modifing "religious satire" rather than the "world's only magazine"...

[NormATive]

The problem I see is that the "pretty much" is modifing "religious satire" rather than the "world's only magazine"...

Yeah, well; funny trumps correct!

Norm A. Tive

[Xavier]

Yeah, well; funny trumps correct!

Norm A. Tive

[Rayado]

Just what I needed to lighten up my day.

[thebrainkid]

wow, so that's why I haven't been getting my prayers answered...

[Oliver Cromwell]

That is funny! Well done.

[Paulbarbee]

lol, that's great
Of course this means I now have to give negative reputations to everybody on the board and in turn must be banned from the board by either Dee Dee or Cirisme

[Jin-Roh]

[Sheepdog]

The problem I see is that the "pretty much" is modifing "religious satire" rather than the "world's only magazine"...

[attachment]

that pic is so getting yoinked.