***Tweb's Funniest Home Improvement Contest***

[mossrose]

[QUOTE=flipper]

I once * edited by a moderator *

Moderated? I was going for surreal not literal. I suppose a literalist reading might not be seen as "fun". Oh well, such is life.

Well, these are also supposed to be true stories. So, if your story was true, I will have to report you to the Attorney General!!

:nanner:

[flipper]

Well, these are also supposed to be true stories. So, if your story was true, I will have to report you to the Attorney General!!

:nanner:

Um uh.. *looks around in a panicked way*

It was a work of complete fiction, with not an ounce of truth in it, so don't bother investigating it at all!

[mossrose]

Now, if you have a REAL home improvement story you would like to enter, feel free...

[Middle Aged C]

well, disaster has struck again, so the never-ending home improvement disaster is yet still, never-ending. I will try to write it all up this evening.....................................






stay tuned




still lost in the nightmarish land of home improvement

C

[Middle Aged C]

also, since i have until the 14th .................... i will post updates to the story, as we have many more days for more disasters to present themselves!



oh the joy!

[RumTumTugger]

BabyC it is ok to edit your story up to the Deadline. as we shall wait for deadline before judging. So you won't be in any danger of back to back posts.

Looking foward to your account.

[Tickle Me Goody]

I live in the Northeast and we have forced hot water heat. Each year or so, one must "bleed" the air from the pipes.

Several years ago, I bled the pipes and accidentally did not completely close the valve in my son's room. Several weeks after that, my wife and I were watching television on the family room below my son's room. Water began to drip from the ceiling and I immediately suspected a problem. I dashed upstairs and checked the valve. It was slowly leaking so I attempted to shut it off. I then accidentally turned it the wrong way and the screw came out. It rolled off somewhere and I could not find it. The slow leak was now a small gusher of water. In response to this situation, I panicked.

I ran into the basement and shut off the water and ran back upstairs. That did not slow the flow of water from the pipe. I then turned on the upstairs' sink faucets, shower, and flushed the toilets. Still no slow on the flow of water from the heating pipe. Maintaining the state of panic, I dashed downstairs, turned of the furnace, drained the pressure tank and opened every valve that I could find. The flow of water stopped.

Unfortunately we now had another problem in that we had no furnace to heat the water and it was bitterly cold. My wife's best friend's son is a plumber and was staying with his mother. A quick phone call got him down to our house. He got it all fixed by 3 AM amidst a lot of ridicule and cursing.

The home improvement? Two things:

1.) Automatic self-bleeding valves
2.) I get to do no more plumbing at all.

gg

[mossrose]

All right, goody! Now you have a shot at that new icon!!

[Middle Aged C]

This is my "home improvement horror" story. (I am alone and lost in this "power tool of an existance")

And the saga beings..............

Once upon a time, a family moved into a wonderful home, 30 years old, but cozy and definately a place where children had been raised and which begged for more children to occupy and grow up.

Problem 1: Decorations were "grannified" and not suitable for a hip family like us, ie: paint, wallpaper, wallpaper, wallpaper, yes, this home was filled with EVIL WALLPAPER! Not only was it prepasted wallpaper, they hung it with an extra coat of wallpaper glue. Once one managed to get the vinyl wallpaper off the wall, a thick, and I mean THICK residue of paper and glue remained. Several weeks of scrubbing, scraping, scrubbing, scraping, saw an end to most of the wallpaper and fresh paint in "jazzy" colors was applied.

Winter: flue in the fireplace............. BROKEN. It's still not fixed, because this requires a "redo" of the flue, chimney stack, brick, etc. So, the fireplace is plugged with now soggy cardboard. (After sounds of chirping were heard, we discovered that it also hosts an entire bird family!)

One reason we LOVED this house............... it sported a former garage, now converted into a huge room. WHAT POTENTIAL~ This project was put on hold as it was old dark paneled and sported a red, 70s patterned, worn out scary indoor/outdoor carpet job. Not to mention the beautiful 70s era stained glass chandeliers! welcome to the dream-game room for all 70s drug-using teenagers~, complete with dark paneled homemade bar!

Anyway, on with the story.

CRISIS: Father is in poor health and needs to come live with us for awhile.

SOLUTION: Jump on the fast track to remodeling the "big" room. Good-bye 70s drug haven, hello suitable bedroom for father.

Painting the paneling required several trips to Lowe's and Home Depot to decide what to prime with. Rented a HUGE sander, TOOOOO hard to handle, so sanded this HUGE room by hand with a SMALL handheld sander. LOTS o LOTS o sandpaper required, not to mention a mess that defies all messes.

Primer choices, one that works well, but when used in a large room such as this, will make you higher than a kite for days, ...................... NOT was the decision. Next move, call the "painter" brother. 1.2.3, use 1.2.3 he says (by the way, this stuff is awesome! I recommend it highly) PAINTING commences. This room is 20x30 by the way. Plus, it houses the back of the fireplace, so we had to paint bricks. Children were tasked with painting the fireplace brick. (job well done, too) Discovery! all four windows plus the door to outside, need replacing.............

Lord bless the hubby! He's the most awesome replacement window/door installer around. Only a couple little tifts on that project. But at this point, the stress level is mighty high.

Not only do we both hold full-time jobs, with long commutes both ways, we're on a time crunch, we're all alone because we can't get anyone except our teenaged children to help us, we're battling bouts of sickenss and illness.......... STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS......................

OK, where were we......... oh yes, the "big" room. Replacing windows, replacing doors, painting, new carpet is being installed.......... Oh wait, I forgot to mention, that "big" 20x30 foot room, before we started the remodel, housed all the "junk" that we weren't sure where we would put it, or what we'd do with it. SOOOOOOOOOOO, at this point, all that "stuff" is now INSIDE the main house, in the FRONT living room, staring at us as we enter and exit the house............. this, unfortunately, is a blatent, in-your-face-everyday reminder of the chaos which is our life! STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS

back to the room, when you replace windows, you have to completely REFRAME them. So, thanks to a previously aired Bob Villa Home Improvement show viewed when I was a teenager, I believe I can do this myself! (Let me say, it's doable. I have the finished product to prove it. HOWEVER, it's not the easiest thing to do when you're under so much stress, you and everyone around you want to strangle and kill each other )

Buy furniture, room is ready for father.
CRISIS: must go get Father NOW. PROBLEM: NOONE to watch children for the weekend we have to be away to drive and get Father. STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS because this need is discovered on a Thursday and we have to leave the next morning! Thankfully, a wonderful friend from work, pulls through (we're not even going to discuss the lack of support from the church which is STILL to this day a sore spot with me) Children will have supervision, but the rest of the house is NOT ready for the Father, because it's literally "littered" with "stuff" which has no home!

In transport with Father, we're stopped on a freeway, STOPPED. I look at a map, find a "number" to call, and find out that it will be STOPPED for many hours due to some horrific wreck which CLOSED the freeway. Poor Father is now antsy, uncomfortable, etc. SO, we get out of the car, start directing surrounding cars to move, so we can ILLEGALLY u-turn, drive the WRONG WAY down the freeway, back to a cross over point to try to get to our destination. Needless to say, that drive was STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS. On TOP of knowing that a COMPLETE DISASTER awaited us when we arrived with Father.

HOME: Children are alive. We're exhausted. Father is put to bed. House is a disaster. No plan. STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS. The next weeks were spent trying not to kill each other, working with Drs to get Father well (he's doing wonderfully now and back at home, happy and thriving. The Lord is good. Amen)

This is where everything becomes a blur, not sure what went on except to say that somehow, sometime, the "stuff" scattered around the house found a home, landscaping was started, etc................

We'll now pick up with the events that started several months back.........

PROBLEM: (seemingly insignificant problem. should be fixed in an hour or so.................. or so you'd think!) a toilet tank needed a new pump. After a trip to the oft-traversed Lowe's store, new pump is finally installed. LEAKING! After another trip to the oft-traversed Lowe's store, new hoses are purchased and installed. STILL LEAKING! Another trip to the oft-traversed Lowe's store and a consultation reveal that the tank is probably cracked. "OK" we say, not a "bad" thing, we hate that Golden-colored 70s toilet anyways. We'll get a new toilet! Upon removing the toilet, the 2 layers of floor tiling are WET! RIP OUT THE ENTIRE BATHROOM~ sink, cabinet, toilet, all flooring, lighting fixtures........ EVERYTHING is now GONE

We are NOW in the throws of a COMPLETE REMODEL OF THE BATHROOM! Two weekends of painting (to cover up some hideously colored PEAGREEN paint). Installation of a new light fixture is complete! (beautiful I might add).

I must interject that as this portion is occuring, children have decided that they too must have their bedrooms painted! So, we are also painting two bedrooms at the same time.

New Pergo flooring has been purchased, new toilet has been purchased, new sink/cabinet/fixtures have been purchased.

DECIDED, a one-weekend RACE TO THE FINISH is planned! (I must note here our first mistake, we had forgotten the rule of :What CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong: (You'd think we would have learned by now, considering the fact that replacing a "toilet pump" ended up a bathroom with nothing but a hole in the floor and some pipes sticking out of the wall!) However, optimizm is reigning SUPREME on this weekend.

Saturday............ Pergo installation is moving along. Mid-afternoon comes. CAT IS PEEING BLOOD. EMERGENCY TRIP TO THE VET!~

Almost $200 later........... cat will eventually be fine, has to eat "new fangled schwanky food, take antibiotics, and a "kittyprozac" shot is delivered because he's whacked! it never ends................................

Sunday! TODAY WILL be the RACE TO THE FINISH!

Pergo installation is finished with hardly any wrinkles in the plan. Of course, it takes a little longer than expected, but, nonetheless, it's beautiful!

Cabinet for the sink is installed, the pipes don't line up!

And so, off we go to ........................... yes, LOWE'S.

"Plumbing Dept. man" is NOT helpful, so, we buy 3 differenct things, foolishly thinking "one of these will work!"

Home.......................... NONE of the three will work. OFF TO LOWE'S AGAIN!

This time, we find a very helpful man, who hooks us up with needed pipes, washers, rubber things....... etc. Back home.

STILL WON'T WORK. One pipe is TOO short. LOWE'S IS NOW CLOSED. darn

That's OK. We'll install the toilet instead.

PIPING in the cement floor seems to have been rigged.............. (hence, the reason all TWO sets of flooring were WET and why this bathroom is gutted in the first place!)

WE GIVE UP FOR THE NIGHT! DEJECTED, DEFEATED, TIRED, SORE, FRUSTRATED, EXHAUSTED!

Then we send an emergency email to the man at church who is a .............

PLUMBER! Begging mercy and a "stop at our house" Monday night PLEEASE!(I believe he could see the tears on the keyboard)

YES, the bathroom has "kicked our butt."

I must now take inventory of ................ oh wait! I almost forgot, while installing Pergo, I attempted to CUT OFF MY WEDDING RING FINGER. Thankfully, that attempt was UNSUCCESSFUL.

So, I sit at work, grateful to be sitting, grateful to STILL have 10 working fingers. Grateful the house hasn't blown up or burnt down. Grateful that we have children who "grocery shopped, cleaned up construction messes, cooked meals provided laughs and generally helped out in an utmost AWESOME way" and helped their parents stay SEMI-SANE over the course of the weekend.

Hopefully, tonight, the plumber to tell us that this "hole in the floor potential toilet problem" is really no big deal and he can fix it ................

Dare I Say............

WITHOUT having to re-gut the bathroom, jack-hammer the concrete floor up, install all new sewer piping, repour new cement and START ALL OVER AGAIN...............

If this happens, I'm sure you will ALL know, as my husband and I will be in the news..................

BREAKING NEWS: Couple completely freaks out over Bathroom Remodeling Incident, runs naked, screaming in the streets........ News at 11!

an after-thought

BUY LOTS OF STOCK IN LOWES!~ BEFORE THIS IS OVER, WE MAY JUST OWN THE STORE! or at least everything in it!

Nervous breakdowns have been averted!

Plumber ( to the man who plays with toilets) comes to house............ disaster has not happened. He has a toilet installed before I arrive home!




C is doing the V-I-C-T-O-R-Y DANCE!




Sink installation............... painful, very painful, because of course, the pipes don't line up and need rigging, more parts, etc. After many many many trips to Lowes, many purchases and returns, we end up with the correct parts. We're now so exhausted from this saga, that we spend a day, in apathy, doing nothing. Barely able to even muster the energy for a shower. A weekend or two go by with piddling on the bathroom, OH YES, cat is again sick, requiring a $300 trip to the vet. This cat is on his last life BTW. No more $$$$$$ vet trips, it's "get better or pass on dude". School is starting, landscaping takes precedence. Nice break working in the yard was that weekend. Good hard, strenuous work. Kind of a bonus stress relief.

Labor day holiday weekend. 5PM on MONDAY NIGHT. Child goes upstairs to shower in UPSTAIRS bathroom. 10 minutes later, water is coming out of ceiling in foyer.................... LEAK LEAK LEAK, (scrambling). Upstairs bathroom needs regrouted, recaulked, repainted, re-evertying. Another late-night trip to Lowes and the bathroom is regrouted by 9:30 pm.

School started. I'm now freaking out because things again have "no home", downstairs bathroom has working facilities but still needs cabinet hung (not an easy project because it requires metal anchor bolts and is a heavy cabinet and workspace is limited) so, a day off work to reorganize a few things and finally finish the bathroom. Where there is a will there's a way. I hung that darned cabinet myself. Don't ask me how, I couldn't tell you. All I know is it's up and beautiful. Downstairs bathroom is done. Upstairs bathroom is out of commission and we're staggering showers to this day, until it becomes functional again. One shower for 4 teenagers and two working adults is WOW, I don't know how others do it.

This past weekend:

I recaulked bathroom. Tried with no luck to clean floor tile grout. Had yet another minor disaster happen. All the baseboard ceramic tiles fell off the wall and will now have to be replaced. So, what started out as a regrout/recaulk, is turning out to be another complete remodel of yet another bathroom.

Oh, BTW. The bathroom we're all currently sharing? Yes, it will also require a complete remodel because it's tiles are also in need of regrout/recaulk, redo, redo, redo, redo, redo.................

I'm sure I've missed something. If I think of it, I'll post sometime today. But in a nutshell, we're still dealing with illness, exhaustion, no help and "immediate-need" projects that just keep coming and coming and coming........

We DO still have some assemblance of our "sense of humor" as evidenced by our laughter at the "Aussie Rules Football" announcers last night. What a hoot!

Prayers for us are gladly accepted. For today, this is C. Signing off.

[Middle Aged C]

Oh yes, yesterday, in the shout box, I suggested that IF I win, having 5 or 6 large, strapping, home-improvement-savvy Twebbers show up on my doorstep offering to help me finish these "jobs" would be a nice prize...........

[RumTumTugger]

Oh yes, yesterday, in the shout box, I suggested that IF I win, having 5 or 6 large, strapping, home-improvement-savvy Twebbers show up on my doorstep offering to help me finish these "jobs" would be a nice prize...........

I don't know about that BabyC do you know how hard it was to get a male volunteer to help Judge theses stories.

BTW thanks for you entry. good luck.

[Gabby]

Hope this isn't too late. Anyhow, here is my story. It'll be a pictorial entry as I believe pictures speak louder than words. (or is it just laziness)

This is my parents home, and the home that I grew up in. It was built in 1907, the picture was taken about 1910 (I believe). It was a wonderful home and I am very attached to it. So when my parents suggested that they sell it because the up keep was becoming overwhelming, I balked. I convinced them that we were ready and willing to help. So, here is the account of redoing the leaky and crumbling basement.

The house was built on a creek bed so water naturally runs underground there. Because of this fact and the fact that the town had a leaking water pipe, and that numerous large trees had been cut down the water steadly grew to the point it was constantly seeping in. Something had to be done. So my hubby and I took 10 days of holidays and loaded the kids up and went to fix my parents basement. We rented a few nasty tools from an old family friend (not always the best idea) and proceeded with demolishing the old concret, digging out about 20 cubic yards of material. Soggy wet material. We had a nasty conveyor, rented from our friend, that wasn't meant for wet clay filled dirt. About every 15 minutes it would plug up and we'd have to stop to scrap off the muck. Not only that but the belt on the conveyor was 70% enclosed in sheet metal, making it nessecary for us to stick our arms and what not into the small openings to unplug it all. I'm amazed that nobody lost an arm or fingers.

After digging out the basement we found out that the sewer pipes were all rotted out and needed replacing. Hubby did a fine job of it and we all gagged at the sight of him crawling into the sewer hole where it would connect into main sewer line. :yikes:


more pics to follow

[Gabby]

Finally we got to the point of adding new gravel, weeping tile and was ready for the cement truck.

[Gabby]

Finally a new floor! Now, what to do with the crumbling walls.

chris

[RumTumTugger]

got it in with plenty of time to spare Gabbailey.

Thanks for the entry.