How to bath a cat

[PhilA]

HOW TO BATH A CAT


Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. They somehow 'lick' themselves clean.
Well, contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Persil (with or without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odours…from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year, to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.)
Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not your dumb dog who can be led to the bathtub with lies and a trail of Bonio’s and Doggy Chocs. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you...you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

• First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

• A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

• Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. Blow drying the cat after the bath is not recommended.

• Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower so you can reach it, even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

• Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying it to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire…the cat barely notices you anyway.

• Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom...speed is essential. In one single fluid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of it is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that it now has soapy fur, it's state of shock has worn off and it's madder than a wet hornet.

• As best you can, wearing welders gloves, try to field the body as it catapults through the air towards the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with it's body now fully exposed.

• During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto it, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As it slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, it will fall back into the water, rinsing itself in the process.

• Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

• Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has semi-permanently affixed itself to your leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

• If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, it will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around it.

• Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel, before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor, and step back quickly. Into the tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

• In about 2 hours...it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

So there you have it. A few small steps to bathing a cat. Just one word of warning, do not attempt two cats at once. A lady in Northampton once tried it and suffered from shell shock.



Disclaimer: The author of this article cannot be held responsible for damage incurred to any item of property or clothing of the cat owner/bather.

[Solly]

That woman was my auntie.

Solly
Northampton resident

[Mimi]

Poor kittens

[mossrose]

Been there, done that, NOT doing it tomorrow.......