Bi-Polar Disorder

[Jade]

and here i thought we were hearing from jade again.

doh!

Good Grief, what happened to the last 6 months! Kids and hubby and "Monk" and Game of Thrones (books and show) and adjusting to Paul working from home and . . .and . . . uh, what was I saying. oh, and Facebook, but that's beside the point.

I am doing better though as far as Bipolar goes. It's been a good year and a half since I was last hospitalized, and it was lithium that leveled me out, not the ECTs.

2010 and part of 2011 is probably gone from my memory for good, but I've gotten some of the other stuff back. And I am determined I'm not going through ECT again!!

[Jedidiah]

I was once tentatively diagnosed as bi-polar, but the diagnosis was later changed to sleep deprivation. Now I am a lot better.

[Jade]

There is some similarity between the two. Glad sleep did the trick.

[Jade]

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Very angry right now, and there's no real reason for it. Chemical imbalances suck!

[lilpixieofterror]

Welcome back Jade (doubt you remember me though).

[One Bad Pig]

Welcome back Jade (doubt you remember me though).

She can tag you as "most-diagnosed as bi-polar by armchair psychologists on Tweb."

[Jade]

Welcome back Jade (doubt you remember me though).

Of course I remember . . . your screen-name. I'm afraid the file folder is empty though. Man, I'd sue those doctors if I thought I'd have a case. Apparently (and sadly) I signed a waiver.

[Jade]

She can tag you as "most-diagnosed as bi-polar by armchair psychologists on Tweb."

Maybe, just maybe, I remember something about a tag war in ancient Twebbia.

[One Bad Pig]

Maybe, just maybe, I remember something about a tag war in ancient Twebbia.

No, I was just referring to the fact that many of lilpixie's debate opponents conflate "aggressive" and "bi-polar."

[Jade]

No, I was just referring to the fact that many of lilpixie's debate opponents conflate "aggressive" and "bi-polar."

oh, okay, but I think I remember folks of color (i.e. orange and red) messing with the tagline of other posters (possibly also of color) to pick on them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[steps up to teaching podium) To any who might need clarification: Agressiveness doesn't automatically mean bipolar. However it may be one of many symptoms that present in a cyclic, alternating pattern of moods, energy, and thought processes, that interfere with normal living.

[Jade]

About a week ago while trying to get to sleep, sudden fear gripped me. Not the first time, but definitely the worst. At first it was just a feeling of panic, but then thoughts and imagination ran wild. (sorry this is so haltingly written, my mind isn't working that smoothly. but I wanted to share this.) Today I heard a song that I had forgotten. I think it would have helped that night. Perhaps it might help someone else, so I thought I'd post it.

Until next time. . . .

Jade

"Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind me
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine" --Chris Tomlin

YouTube Song

[Jade]

Found an article about a link between chronic mercury poisoning and bipolar. I'd heard about the controversy over mercury in vaccinations before, but this was news to me. Now, this isn't anywhere near proof that one causes the other, but there does seem to be a correlation, so don't rush out and re-fill your teeth without careful thought. But it gave me reason for pause. If given the choice, and mercury (amalgam) fillings and vaccinations were an actual risk factor for bipolar, would you get them anyway for the benefit's sake? As for me, I don't know. Here's the link to the article:

Bipolar-Dental Connection

[Bones]

I have not been officially diagnosed as a type of bipolar, but treating my mental disorder in the same way as bipolar disorder has helped. I display many of the symptoms, and my mentor--who has been diagnosed as bipolar--is certain that I have it. I lose credibility with some in saying that I have not been diagnosed, but I am intimately familiar with what bipolar disorder does to a person, due to my firsthand experience with it.

It's only been two or three years since I had my epiphany, but in that time, I have struggled to stay afloat and keep myself together. I'm not even close to receiving a treatment plan or a diagnosis, thanks to the mental health system in the United States being in shambles. I came to this particular subforum to learn, and to impart encouragement where I can. I am always open to answering any questions anyone has, to the best of my ability, and I'm not afraid to say "I don't know" when questions come up for which I don't have the answers.

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[Jade]

Thanks for posting and sharing your experiences. You do not loose credibility in my book; in fact, you may be better off--especially if the techniques you've learned have allowed you to hold it together. In the last 8 years since my diagnosis, I learned a lot; however, the last 2 years have taught me that all that knowledge didn't mean much. The U.S. mental health system, if embraced can lead to a life of dependency on them.

I'm about to head to the park with the family, but when I return, I will expound on this and my experiences and recent insights.

Oh, and welcome to TWeb!!

[Jade]

My biggest insight:
Bipolar is very real; psychiatrists are not.

My first experience with mental illness was when I was 15. Our family and I had just moved to a new state the year prior and I wasn't adjusting well. We moved from the Spiritual rain forest of Northeastern Oklahoma to the Spiritual barren desert of Central Kansas. On Sunday and Wednesday nights I went to the First Southern Baptist church. There, I found a good group of friends with whom I remain friends to this day. Those few friends and a couple of the youth leaders were my lifeline. Unfortunately those kids attended Roosevelt Jr High and only got to see them once or twice a week. Based on where I lived in town, however, I had to attend Harrison Jr High. And Jr High is tough enough as it is, but Harrison was "a whole-nother ballpark". The kids at church that attended that school ignored me during the week. But to be fair, I wasn't all that out-going. So add one 14 year old Christian that never thought to hide her faith to a Jr High school where the mascot was a blue demon (some of the kids loved to channel that image, and you have a recipe for misery. After nearly a year and a half, I was worn down, and had become totally depressed. The way I dealt with it was really not dealing with it. At home I closed up and clammed up. My parents had no clue what was going on (and really didn't until years later) on weeknights and sometimes on the weekend I hung out with an 19 year old and a 13 year old doing all sorts of stuff my parents didn't approve of and didn't know about until years later. It caused a serious strain in the relationship with my parents. I went to church to push all my problems under the carpet or sometimes I'd talk about them because I'd get some sympathy and that was kind of nice. But it wasn't enough. I was drowning or at least it mentally and emotionally felt like it. Then one day I hit the breaking point. I called out for help and a bottle of Aspirin answered.

It is said that suicide is the most selfish act possible. I'm sure that's true, but that's not the way it seems to someone that's depressed. Major Depression and depressive episodes in Bipolar messes with the brain. It really turns a person upside down. "Surely my family and friends would be better off without me. I'm always dragging them down and causing them problems" When a person embraces that thinking and can't stand the mental pain any more, they are then in a crisis and in the greatest danger of suicide. My crisis was the first real indication my dad had that something was amiss. But after getting me treated physically, he was hesitant to let me see a psychiatrist. Even though I wanted to see a psychiatrist and find an answer to the depression, I was embarrassed by the whole situation and back-pedaled, lied about my intent, and convinced the hospital to just let me go home. Also my dad said I could go back to Oklahoma, to my old school, and my old church. After I was back, it still took a good year for the depression to completely go away.

My dad's hesitancy:
My dad is very veiled person, even to those he's close to. However he is also quite practical and assertive. But in his core, he is a very tender, godly man. As an adult, I can see all the ways he was looking out for me. And sometimes, I can see that God was looking out for me through my dad in ways my dad didn't even realize. My dad didn't trust psychiatrists. I don't know why--I've never thought to ask him. But because he didn't, I was 20 years old before I seen one, and 29 before I went a second time (when I was diagnosed with Bipolar). This was probably a good thing.

My dependency on Psychiatrists:
In 2005 I had a particularly bad case of Restless Leg Syndrome that kept me awake for 2 nights straight and was exhausted so I went to the doctor and got a prescription for it. The medicine did work in that the crawly, prickly sensation in my legs went away. However I didn't sleep for two more night and didn't miss the sleep. My mind went into overdrive and everyone and everything around me seemed to slow down. Then I crashed. I spiraled very quickly into severe depression. Within 3 weeks I was suicidal. My husband and father-in-law both thought it would be a good idea to get me evaluated and admitted into a psych-hospital for my safety. I was put on Prozac for depression and sent home after about a week. I didn't know much about the meds then, but it caused me to rapid-cycle. I ended up back in the hospital 3 or 4 times in about 4 months (trying different med combinations) before I was put on Lithium. Lithium is really the only that has ever really worked, and even then I have to put qualifiers on it: It stops the rapid cycling, doesn't totally stop episodes, and there are side effects to deal with. But I put my trust in Psychiatrist, I just assumed they knew what they were doing. But what psychiatrists attempt to do is stabilize and then micromanage every little symptom until you're on half a dozen different medications. Then you need other medications to deal with the side effects the other medicines caused.

After 5 years of this, my doctor got the impression that lithium wasn't working. Can't remember why he thought that, but he took me off lithium and put me on something else in it's place. I got worse, I was depressed and was taking this boatload of medicine and it was doing nothing or at least nothing for the depression--which was all I cared about at that moment. So I quit everything. To my surprise the depression went away. There! See I didn't have bipolar after all! WRONG! I was busy going manic and wasn't really aware of it until I realized it had been 3 days since I slept and wasn't at all sleepy. But by this point I was too far gone to care. I felt invincible, nothing bad was going to happen. I don't think I'd ever felt so good in my whole life. Then as if a light was switched on, reality switched off. The colors, smells, and textures became more complicated as they developed new dimensions and I gained "new companions". But what goes up eventually comes back down--often in equal proportions. I was hospitalized once again for depression. I've been in the hospitalized so much, that they know me by name among all the other faces that float in and out. This hospitalization was different. The medicine changes wasn't working and I'd already been in for over a week. I was so desperate and desperation is not a good place to be.

ElectroConvulsive Therapy (ECT):
My doctor told me there were new advances in research had made ECTs safer and more effective. It is performed under general anesthesia with muscle relaxers, so it is as simple as going to sleep and when you wake up you'll feel better. I was told the only caveat was temporary memory loss that should return in about 6 weeks. You really can't do any research if you're already in the hospital. Hindsight 20/20. My husband was skeptical (oh, how I wish I'd listened!), but like I said, I was desperate to be rid of the suffocating depression.

I spent a total of 6 weeks in the hospital getting ECT treatment 3 times a week (12 acute sessions) then was allowed to go home and had about 6 more (one per month maintenance sessions). During my acute sessions the depression immediately went away and stayed away, I felt placid. After I was home, it became evident that this was a very temporary effect of the ECT. About a week after a treatment I would become manic for about a week, then I would be depressed for a couple weeks--just in time for my next treatment to restart the process. It obviously wasn't working so the ECTs were scraped and I went back on medication. I said maybe I should give lithium another go. I did end up in the hospital again after that but it wasn't as soon or as bad.

Memory loss vs. Memory erasure:
I lost about a year of memory before and a year afterward. There were bits and pieces that returned in the first few weeks, but the huge holes in my memory remain and it's been over 2 years since then. There has been cognitive difficulties as well. Earlier this year I began to get quite frustrated, Sometimes I feel like I'm 80 years old. One day I decided to see if I could find other people who'd lost memory that hadn't returned. Ended up finding lots of other cases. And I happened upon a book called "Doctors of Deception: What They Don't What You to Know About Shock Treatments" by Linda Andre. I learned that ECT causes brain damage. It has been proven by cat scans, nuerological testing, and even post-mortem autopsies. Aside from the sensationalism feel to the title, the content is well researched and documented. And what it boils down to is greed, professional delusion, and sweeping evidence under the carpet through PR campaigns over the last 40 years.

I'm sure that most, if not all, psychiatrists start out with good intentions and great expectations of what they want to accomplish in their career. And in the forefront of their minds, they want to help people. But somewhere along the way there is a disconnect. I'm not totally against psychiatry, but they rely more on guesswork than any real research, and too many care more about their career than how their treatments actually impact their patients.

My advice to anyone with mental illness:

• Learn as much as you possibly can about your illness and how it affects you. Try to determine what things trigger you. It's best to get plenty of sleep and good nutrition (avoid sugar/simple carbohydrate loading--upsetting your blood sugar, even if your pancreas can handle it, may upset your moods). When you can, avoid people that like to push your buttons and get you angry. Also pay attention to your moods and how much sleep you succeed in getting, chart them on graph paper or on an internet app if it helps. It may help you identify triggers and help you determine what helps. When you start to get manic, focus on relaxing activities (calming music, resting, quiet crafts or hobbies, dimmer lights, soothing aromatherapy, whatever you find that works), and avoid crowds. It could be that keeping a reign on your mania will keep you from falling as far in depression. When you're depressed, fight to avoid isolating. Avoid listening to music that you find sad, and when your mind dwells on the darkness, distract yourself with uplifting things and talk to people.
• If you can learn to adapt to your symptoms on your own, this is best.
• If your symptoms threaten your relationships and your day-to-day life, find a counselor who can help you find solutions to these difficulties.
• If your symptoms threaten your life or others, get help as soon as possible. At the very least "crisis proof your house and make sure you're not alone." Perhaps some medicine can help you through a crisis, but beware. Research each medicine (websites like http://www.rxlist.com so you know what to expect and avoid detriment from them.
• AND above all, when it comes to ECT, or any other invasive treatment, put your foot down, it isn't the "only hope" they might tell you it is.
• Oh, one last thing, appoint someone you trust to be your mental health advocate and make sure they know your wishes and write up a legal mental health directive in case you're not in a good frame of mind to make decisions as you normally would. If you're adverse to ECT, say so. If you want all decisions to go through a certain individual, then state that person. Also note that these legal documents may have an expiration date (I think I read somewhere it was 2 years), so keep them updated.

Well, know I went and done it. I talked your ear off. I told myself that I'd keep this short. Don't think I succeeded. But hopefully there's some wisdom here to be found, and perhaps someone reading will benefit. If anyone wants to share or would like to ask me questions (feel free), I will do my best to answer.

Take care and God bless