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Thread: Can YOU do this?

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    Thread Killer QuantaFille's Avatar
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    Can YOU do this?

    My mother and I have an ongoing dispute.
    One of us claims that a real woman is able to walk into another woman's kitchen while she is cooking, and will know right away what she needs to do to help out, without having to ask the cook.
    The other claims that things like that can't be known by anybody and that the helper should have to ask what needs to be done.

    Help settle this!
    Curiosity never hurt anyone. It was stupidity that killed the cat.

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    Oops....... mossrose's Avatar
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    I sure don't know what needs doing when I walk into somebody else's kitchen.



    Securely anchored to the Rock amid every storm of trial, testing or tribulation.

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    Professor Catholicity's Avatar
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    Well its not like you're walking into a restaurant where you are the sous chef. And rarely is it so obvious..... Unless there is plainly a bag of overflowing food trash or a sink of dirty dishes. However in my kitchen I do not have open recipe books, and the dishes and trash would be done before I started so yeah, your gonna need to ask "how can I help you?" It is neither fair nor appropriate for anyone to make any expectation for you to know what to do.
    A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
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    Thread Killer QuantaFille's Avatar
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    So, my mother is being unreasonable when she gets angry at me over this. That is what I thought. She could have at least taught me how to cook first!

    I need to get out of this house.
    Curiosity never hurt anyone. It was stupidity that killed the cat.

  5. Amen mossrose amen'd this post.
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    Professor Catholicity's Avatar
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    Basically, yeah your not psychic....
    A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
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    When I walk into another woman's kitchen while she's cooking, almost always I DO know helpful things I could do.
    However, I wouldn't do those things without first asking.
    Unless she were my mother.

    I'm a month after the OP, and have been gone from TWeb for many years, but I will venture to interpret QuantaFille's mother's statements into English. She would like you to help without being asked. She will feel more supported and appreciated when you do this. She may feel guilty or attacked if you say you can't cook, because if she cooks and you don't, she missed an opportunity to share that skill. Being able to pitch in without being asked, as well as graciously helping out when asked (and graciously declining when you can't or when it's appropriate to decline) is part of being an adult, with any of her projects, not just in the kitchen.

    Mom daughter relationships are HARD. And her communication skills will not improve.

    And, lovely to see you again.

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    Thread Killer QuantaFille's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by just Johnna View Post
    When I walk into another woman's kitchen while she's cooking, almost always I DO know helpful things I could do.
    However, I wouldn't do those things without first asking.
    Unless she were my mother.

    I'm a month after the OP, and have been gone from TWeb for many years, but I will venture to interpret QuantaFille's mother's statements into English. She would like you to help without being asked. She will feel more supported and appreciated when you do this. She may feel guilty or attacked if you say you can't cook, because if she cooks and you don't, she missed an opportunity to share that skill. Being able to pitch in without being asked, as well as graciously helping out when asked (and graciously declining when you can't or when it's appropriate to decline) is part of being an adult, with any of her projects, not just in the kitchen.

    Mom daughter relationships are HARD. And her communication skills will not improve.

    And, lovely to see you again.
    She doesn't have to ask me to help. I show up in the kitchen and ask her what I should do. THAT is what makes her angry, and that anger is what makes me not want to be in the kitchen with her.
    When I DO start doing something without asking her first what I should do, I always end up doing the wrong thing. And if I show up in the kitchen and say, "What can I do?" she becomes furious that I can't figure it out on my own and she starts on her "you aren't a real woman" rant. If she would just tell me what she wants me to do when I ask, and if she would be willing to explain to me how to do it, everything would be fine. Or, if she would finally teach me enough about cooking that I COULD figure it out. That would be helpful.
    And she is the one drilling it into me that I can't cook. It's all I hear from my family. And trust me, she doesn't feel guilty about not teaching me to cook, because in her mind I am the one at fault for needing to have cooking techniques explained as well as demonstrated. Needing to have cooking explained to me is a huge, inexcusable flaw that makes me a failure at being female.

    I am not attacking you, just explaining more of the situation. And welcome back to TWeb! It's been a long time since I saw you around here. How have you been?
    Curiosity never hurt anyone. It was stupidity that killed the cat.

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    I'm sorry, that's totally crazy making!

    I had to get through some hard things in the last few years, including divorce. I swear, I really had no idea how it is for people to get divorced. I didn't know and I didn't try. Yet there were people who were so compassionate to me, kindness was really amazing to experience at that time. And then for my kids.

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    Troll Magnet Sparko's Avatar
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    Sorry to interrupt (being a guy) but I don't think cooking is what makes a woman a woman. In fact, in both of my brother's families, my brothers do most of the cooking because they enjoy it so much. Really good cooks too. Sounds like your mom has other issues, Quanta, and is using this as an excuse. Nobody is a mind reader.

    (I won't post here again. but I had to say it)

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    I agree with Sparko, and I have faith in this sorority's ability to confirm to Quantafille that any such attack on her womanhood is ridiculous. Absurd.

    (And her dal recipe looks delish. We eat dal regularly around here, so I appreciate her taste. )

    I hate the old toxic not-qualified-to-be-a-woman criticisms. They belong to the fears of an older generation.
    Last edited by just Johnna; 01-14-2015 at 06:17 PM. Reason: add link

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