How not to yell?

[InspiredHome]

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here. I have a two and a half year old son. He doesn't talk yet (He had hydrocephalus and surgery lin Oct '03...he's receiving speech therapy) and I have such a hard time with yelling at him. He's getting to the point where he won't listen to me at all (this started about 2 weeks ago). He'll run away from me. He throws his food, throws his toys and gets into everything (like any normal two-year-old). It's a little frustrating to me that he cannot talk (he'll say words now and then but nothing constant). Sometimes I feel like I favor my 9-month-old more (who's had his share of probs with failure to thrive and 2 hospital stays but is very easy going) I don't know how to keep from getting frustrated. Why does his antics edge me so much?

[learning]

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here. I have a two and a half year old son. He doesn't talk yet (He had hydrocephalus and surgery lin Oct '03...he's receiving speech therapy) and I have such a hard time with yelling at him. He's getting to the point where he won't listen to me at all (this started about 2 weeks ago). He'll run away from me. He throws his food, throws his toys and gets into everything (like any normal two-year-old). It's a little frustrating to me that he cannot talk (he'll say words now and then but nothing constant). Sometimes I feel like I favor my 9-month-old more (who's had his share of probs with failure to thrive and 2 hospital stays but is very easy going) I don't know how to keep from getting frustrated. Why does his antics edge me so much?

Try whispering. I remember hearing a teacher did this, when the kids misbehaved, her voice actually got lower, and they started to behave.

I had a child that would ignore me when we had a baby I was looking after, and I would have to raise my voice two or three times to get that child's attention, then I saw this child turn and smile as they realized that they 'got' me, by ignoring me and making me raise my voice bit by bit. This was a two year old too, at the time. A smart kid. I think it's part of normal development with that age, so you can be thankful that this kid is developing normally, by doing all he's doing.

I found the best way to keep the kids in line wasn't raising my voice (though at times I still have problems with that, as sometimes CD's and t.v. are playing, and our home is large, so I raise my voice to try and find someone or get their attention) but counting to five or ten, and if they didn't obey, take away a priviledge, like a favorite t.v. show. That worked better than anything. Sometimes, too, they say, give them time to adjust to a change, for instance, if it's time to eat or get ready for bed, give them a ten minute, then five minute warning. It helps them adjust to finishing what they're doing.

[Middle Aged C]

Most important............ YOU are the parent, not the child. Be firm and consistant. Set the rules, set the punishment, and stick with it EVERY time. At this age, they "test" the boundaries. You must establish those boundaries and not waver. If this is something you've not done up to this point, it will be a little frustrating. But, well worth the effort.

[Solly]

Wait till he's 12...

[tiffanyh]

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here. I have a two and a half year old son. He doesn't talk yet (He had hydrocephalus and surgery lin Oct '03...he's receiving speech therapy) and I have such a hard time with yelling at him. He's getting to the point where he won't listen to me at all (this started about 2 weeks ago). He'll run away from me. He throws his food, throws his toys and gets into everything (like any normal two-year-old). It's a little frustrating to me that he cannot talk (he'll say words now and then but nothing constant). Sometimes I feel like I favor my 9-month-old more (who's had his share of probs with failure to thrive and 2 hospital stays but is very easy going) I don't know how to keep from getting frustrated. Why does his antics edge me so much?

Hi InspiredHome,

My son had hearing problems, that we were unaware of, until he was nearly 4 years old. This turned out to be the reason that his speech was progressing so slowly (he barely talked at all by that age). They put tubes in his ears, and we put him into speech therapy (he continues to this day through the school, and he's in first grade now). He has full hearing now and communicates more or less at a normal level ...

When he was in his 2's and 3's, he behaved much like you are describing here. I always attributed it to his extreme frustration at not being understood, and not being able to communicate his feelings and needs and thoughts. People were at times unknowingly insensitive around him, assumning that his understanding was equivalent to his ability to communicate - they'd talk right in front of him about him, etc. I can only just imagine how frustrated he must have been.

Be patient, try to understand the frustration your child has gone through with the speech, but above all remain the parent.

Hang in there, remember always the joy and blessings that our kids bring us. They are more than worth the frustrating periods =) Let us know how things go.

[Cello]

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here. I have a two and a half year old son. He doesn't talk yet (He had hydrocephalus and surgery lin Oct '03...he's receiving speech therapy) and I have such a hard time with yelling at him. He's getting to the point where he won't listen to me at all (this started about 2 weeks ago). He'll run away from me. He throws his food, throws his toys and gets into everything (like any normal two-year-old). It's a little frustrating to me that he cannot talk (he'll say words now and then but nothing constant). Sometimes I feel like I favor my 9-month-old more (who's had his share of probs with failure to thrive and 2 hospital stays but is very easy going) I don't know how to keep from getting frustrated. Why does his antics edge me so much?

Hi there, I haven't been on for a while but just popped in and ran across this. I feel for you. Why do his antics get to you? Probably because you're not in control .... it causes you work to pick up after him, you are probably a bit overwhelmed and stressed.....maybe?

With my first (who is now 16) I was on edge a lot, seemed to yell a lot, etc. With my second (who is now 3) I am very different. What made the change...*sigh*....time for one, but also the concept of gentle parenting.

When I had my first, I never thought about a parenting style really, I just got up each day and 'did my best'....after my second child, when I first heard about gentle parenting or grace based discipline I was skeptical. But then I realized that in a sense I had already adopted it with my son.

I never speak to his back...ever. I get down on his level...on my knees, I sometimes cup his chin and tilt his head to me, I make sure we have eye contact, and I speak softly and slowly to him. I never speak to him if he's crying and fussing - I hold him, calm him down, then address the concerns so he can understand me and I him. I try to realize what drives his behavior, his comprehension of the world, and that I am guiding and training him...its a team effort, the two of us, its NOT me against him.
Here is one excerpt:

When you are at a loss as to what to do, remember the golden rule and treat your child as you would want to be treated. You are the adult: but don't let that give you a power trip; instead let it help you learn humility for you can't expect your child to be more mature than you are. It's inevitable that you will make mistakes; after all, you are only human (as is your child). Apologize, and move on. And, perhaps most importantly, remember that when children are the least lovable, they need love the most.

When he runs from you - what do you do? Do you go get him, talk to him, help him with whatever it is you needed him for, then let him go once his task is complete? The grace based discipline has a strategy....5 steps I think. I am not sure I ever really did the 5 steps, but the concept is strong I think. Here is a link direct to the 5 steps. It seems like 'work' but it is so worth it I believe. I LOVE the part that says 'help is help', help is not punishment....LOL. And I though it was bunk when they say 'your child is unable to stop. maybe he's tired, etc etc" I thought yeah, right. But in essence, its true. Children are somewhat limited, if for no other reason that their maturity level and not comprehending the social construct of the family and Mom's needs and desires and wants. If he understood that, he'd probably stop!! I also like the way the concept stresses internal and external controls......sometimes we offer an external control to a child who lacks internal control.

ANYWAY....

Here are a couple of links, for the first you need to look around, find the articles etc - the second is right to an overall concept page.
Gentle Mothering and Concept of Grace Based Discipline

I should state too that I am NOT an AP parent (attachment parenting) - we don't co-sleep, I didn't nurse, I used disposables...I'm not cruncy -- but the I agree with the principles of discipline and how to view our children found on these websites for the most part. :)

Hope some of this helps. :)

[BeHereNow]

A quick piece of advice I'll give you from teaching young children is to redirect his attention. Provide educational games or something that he likes to do and reward him from time to time, even if with just a cheer or happy voice.

[Barry Desborough]

Hi everyone. I'm fairly new here. I have a two and a half year old son. He doesn't talk yet (He had hydrocephalus and surgery lin Oct '03...he's receiving speech therapy) and I have such a hard time with yelling at him. He's getting to the point where he won't listen to me at all (this started about 2 weeks ago). He'll run away from me. He throws his food, throws his toys and gets into everything (like any normal two-year-old). It's a little frustrating to me that he cannot talk (he'll say words now and then but nothing constant). Sometimes I feel like I favor my 9-month-old more (who's had his share of probs with failure to thrive and 2 hospital stays but is very easy going) I don't know how to keep from getting frustrated. Why does his antics edge me so much?

You might find some of the following links helpful. I found them while searching for help for a small boy who is a friend of the family. Don't be put off by seeing 'labels' of various kinds being discussed, which will not apply to your son. The main thing these links have in common is the 'child-led' approach to communication problems, which works!

http://www.stanleygreenspan.com/

http://icdl.com/ICDLguidelines/toc.htm

http://www.jamesdmacdonald.org/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group...alLateTalkers/

http://www.apraxia-kids.org/slps/BOW...st_outline.pdf

All the very best to you and the family,

Barry Desborough