Allowing anger

[Soyeong]

Kind Debater, what do you think it means to forgive your mom? What would that look like?

[phat8594]

Grrr...

Recommending a Charismatic book...

This makes me angry.

Any particular reason why?

[Soyeong]

Any particular reason why?

He has repressed anger management issues.

[Kind Debater]

Sorry, didn't realize people were still posting on here.

I encourage anger when appropriate. Anger at grave injustice can be a reflection of God's character. The problem is that we are likely to go over the top when we get peeved. This is likely why James admonishes his audience to be slow to anger. Repression or suppression of anger cannot be good, however, and I believe the individual who started the thread recognizes this. It really is a matter of processing and dealing with anger, then, for when anger is left undealt with, it will only fester and grow worse.

What bothers me is how we we often add insult to injury by forcing the forgiveness issue almost immediately when someone has been wronged. Yes, yes, yes, of course we are to encourage and exhort each other to forgive the "injurer", but it is all the more difficult to forgive when the one who has inflicted the wounds is completely unrepentant. (Note: some of these persons are sociopaths.) There is no room for closure in such cases. The church (i.e., persons reconciled to God through Christ) can unwittingly work on the abuser's behalf by impatiently demanding instant forgiveness much like instant coffee. Humans are not automatons (though perhaps some would beg to differ). I believe it is helpful to view forgiveness as both a decision and a process. Unfortunately, we tend to focus on the decision to forgive more than the difficulty of processing our pains. Healing rarely occurs overnight. The consequences of another person's perverse behavior can leave an aftermath of pain. Genuine forgiveness for serious injuries incurred is never easy, especially when the other party simply doesn't care and is unconcerned with making reparations. We wonder if we even have the remotest desire to forgive. We may not. It is helpful for us to be honest with ourselves as well as with God. We can play little religious games with ourselves and try to take God along with us in the game, but it's all nonsense, my friend. There's nothing we can say that will surprise God. He already knows.

Thanks for understanding. In my relationship with my mother I had to instantly forgive and forget because all that mattered was keeping her happy. I've found that instant forgiveness isn't the same as true forgiveness. I think that in cases like this where the offender is unrepentant, forgiveness is a matter of trusting God to both heal the hurt and condemn/avenge the wrong. But trusting God to do those things means knowing exactly what the wrong was, the ways in which it injured and how much it hurt. We can't trust God to do something if we don't know what exactly we're entrusting to him, if that makes sense.

[Kind Debater]

Kind Debater, what do you think it means to forgive your mom? What would that look like?

Going along with what I said in reply to Remonstrant, I think it means trusting God to heal me and trusting that he will judge her justly. Doing that would allow me to let go of my anger and give it up to God, because I would not be as hurt and I would not need to hold on to the idea of her having wronged me in order for it to be remembered and dealt with. I think sometimes we hold onto anger because we're afraid that forgiving means it will be forgotten by everyone, including God, and the inherent wrongness won't be addressed, but of course that isn't true.

[Soyeong]

Going along with what I said in reply to Remonstrant, I think it means trusting God to heal me and trusting that he will judge her justly. Doing that would allow me to let go of my anger and give it up to God, because I would not be as hurt and I would not need to hold on to the idea of her having wronged me in order for it to be remembered and dealt with. I think sometimes we hold onto anger because we're afraid that forgiving means it will be forgotten by everyone, including God, and the inherent wrongness won't be addressed, but of course that isn't true.

When someone wrongs you, you have every right to be angry about it. Choosing to forgive them isn't somehow forgetting the memory that it happened, but is giving up your right to be angry that it did happen. When you do that, you are still allowed to seek justice for being wronged and you still need to rebuild trust that was broken, but you're no longer allowed to be angry over it. Holding on to that right is what prevents healing from coming.

[Christianbookworm]

It's weird that people say "forgive and forget". Don't think the Bible says to forget that fact that the event occurred. Unless they're referring to love keeps no record of wrongs.

[Kind Debater]

It's weird that people say "forgive and forget". Don't think the Bible says to forget that fact that the event occurred. Unless they're referring to love keeps no record of wrongs.

IMO "love keeps no record of wrongs" means not holding a grudge (i.e. holding onto the anger) and not bringing it up unless necessary (e.g. not making the person apologize or feel guilty over and over). If someone is a habitual offender and either isn't taking steps to correct the problem or is relapsing, then you may need to confront them on their pattern of behavior.

[The Remonstrant]

He has repressed anger management issues.

Not... funny.

[Soyeong]

Not... funny.

Sorry, I thought you were making a joke. If the book makes you angry, then please explain.

[Christianbookworm]

IMO "love keeps no record of wrongs" means not holding a grudge (i.e. holding onto the anger) and not bringing it up unless necessary (e.g. not making the person apologize or feel guilty over and over). If someone is a habitual offender and either isn't taking steps to correct the problem or is relapsing, then you may need to confront them on their pattern of behavior.

I agree. I was just trying to figure out why someone might claim you're supposed to wipe away any memory of a bad event.

[The Remonstrant]

Every post on this thread is making me angrier than the last!

[Christianbookworm]

Every post on this thread is making me angrier than the last!

Really???

[Soyeong]

Really???

I'm pretty sure he's not being serious, but with him there's always that lingering doubt.

[Abigail]

Our whole western culture today seems to involve a lot of emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail is really repressive and it is something like a modern-day slavery. That your mom had been abused is sad but that doesn't mean that you should have been brow-beaten into accepting any kind of behaviour she dished out or made to feel guilty when she was not happy (which I suspect was when anyone called her on her behaviour). We can be understanding of why others behave badly but that doesn't mean their behaviour is acceptable and part of the understanding is to try work out why they have behaved in such a way so that they themself can know where they are going wrong and improve. All the care and sympathy seems to have been given to your mom on account of her past and in the process another wrong was committed against you in that it seems you have just been expected to accept the behaviour and be forgiving or face the guilt of you causing her unhappiness. I think it is our duty as Christians to try live Godly lives. I don't think this excludes telling someone when their behaviour is out of line and excessively demanding and I don't think it means being responsible for making people happy at any cost (especially not condoning selfish behaviour). Ephesians 4:26 says 'Be angry but sin not, do not let the sun go down on your wrath' I guess this means that we should really nip anger in the bud and sort it out at the time it is caused so that it is not allowed to fester. Expecting one person to just suck it up is not really sorting out is it or surely Paul would have just said it is wrong to ever be angry as that would amount to sucking up everything that is thrown our way. In your case you were too young to sort these things out and the people around you and your mom didn't really help so it was allowed to fester. I think taking our anger to God in prayer is always a good route to go. He knows who is responsible for what and by how much so he can work on our hearts. We are all a work in progress.