Jokes

[Zymologist]

I can't think of any jokes, but I have pictures.

rebel base.jpg

[Jedidiah]

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

But he's 0K right now.

Arrg.

[fm93]

Why such a cold response?

[Teallaura]

Joke of the Month

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Truthseeker]

Why such a cold response?

Well, now after Teal's joke, maybe we will have a warm response.

[Truthseeker]

Errors like that make you want to swear. From a report that was partly about the history of trading wares:
". . . and then the new owners took the Chinese wears to a different town . . . "

[rogue06]

"Yeah, I pretty much never sit around a swimming pool anymore." --Marco Polo

[rogue06]

Whoever invented the "Knock Knock" joke ought to win a No-Bell Prize.

[Jedidiah]

Signs, (not new but)

Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Jedidiah]

This is an old one, but I still like it.

WARNING: If you are a liberal you might want to skip it.

BARACK OBAMA MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s David Cameron!”

[KingsGambit]

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

[Littlejoe]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

[fm93]

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park, man.

[rogue06]

I'm trying to pretend that I don't get it

[Littlejoe]

Mark Sanchez, RG3 and Eli Manning walk into a sports bar....









To WATCH the Cowboys in the Playoffs!!!!!