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Thread: Jokes

  1. #361
    tWebber Christianbookworm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DesertBerean View Post
    I didn't get that one.
    He left off the rest of the joke...
    If it weren't for the Resurrection of Jesus, we'd all be in DEEP TROUBLE!

  2. #362
    40th Mojave Summer DesertBerean's Avatar
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    Apparently. ..

  3. #363
    Troll Magnet Sparko's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christianbookworm View Post
    He left off the rest of the joke...
    You're a Congressman and work for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, spent HUGE amounts of money at tax payer expense with no concern, and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

    Now give me back my dog.

  4. Amen Cerebrum123 amen'd this post.
  5. #364
    Theologyweb's Official Grandfather Jedidiah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DesertBerean View Post
    I didn't get that one.
    Sorry about that. I seem to have left off a whole bunch of it. Have to see if I can find it again.

    Try this one:

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amusedly as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. Then you tried to show me how much smarter you are than me. And you don't know a darn thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

    "Now give me back my dog."
    Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

  6. Amen mossrose amen'd this post.
  7. #365
    Professor Littlejoe's Avatar
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    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
    Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
    This is what transpired.
    Dr Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me??
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
    Dr Young: Aaagh !! “This is Gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
    Dr Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!
    Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — “Here’s your $1000 back.”
    Dr Young: “But this is only $500…”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
    Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!
    "What has the Church gained if it is popular, but there is no conviction, no repentance, no power?" - A.W. Tozer

    "... there are two parties in Washington, the stupid party and the evil party, who occasionally get together and do something both stupid and evil, and this is called bipartisanship." - Everett Dirksen

  8. #366
    Professor KingsGambit's Avatar
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    I once realized I was dating a Communist.

    I guess I should have seen the red flags earlier.
    I want something good to die for to make it beautiful to live.

  9. Amen Darth Executor amen'd this post.
  10. #367
    Evolution is God's ID rogue06's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingsGambit View Post
    I once realized I was dating a Communist.

    I guess I should have seen the red flags earlier.
    200.gif

    I'm always still in trouble again

  11. #368
    Professor The Melody Maker's Avatar
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    What does one call a retired soldier driving a fancy car?

    A Corps vet in a Corvette.
    ~ Russell ("MelMak")

    "[Sing] and [make] melody in your heart to the Lord." -- Ephesians 5:19b

    Fight_spam!

  12. #369
    Evolution is God's ID rogue06's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Melody Maker View Post
    What does one call a retired soldier marine driving a fancy car?

    A Corps vet in a Corvette.
    FIFY n/c


    I feel like I'm channeling a certain singular naughty swine today

    I'm always still in trouble again

  13. #370
    Professor KingsGambit's Avatar
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    My friend gave me his EpiPen when he was dying. It must have been very important to him that somebody take good care of it for him.
    I want something good to die for to make it beautiful to live.

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